Help
My story: I had an anxiety attack for the first time in my life on March 27th, 2009. I didn't know what the hell it was and thought my body was telling me it was turning in its notice and was quitting. I ended up in hospital where they told me all I was having was an anxiety attack. I told them that was bullshit. I am the classic "macho" business guy that takes care of things and works even when he's not working. Apparently that was my problem. I ended up hitting a brick wall I didn't see coming. I went to 7 doctors in 5 days searching for answers; all the while the severe anxiety would not subside. Aside from family members driving me to doctors, I stayed indoors shaking uncontrollably at the unknown for a week straight. I ended up with 1 therapist, two GP's and 1 psychiatrist all working from different angles but with the ultimate conclusion of me needing to be put on Cymbalta with a side of daily Klonapin. What a diet! I spent the next year rediscovering myself. My goal was to find out all the what, why and how's of me and my mind. The therapist turned out to be just someone to give me a hug every week and take my money. Pretty much useless. I lucked out with a really intelligent psychiatrist though and tapped him for everything I could. I saw him once a week but wanted more. The stimulating conversations about life and why I felt the way I felt about situations amazed me. So many metaphors were used during those sessions that I think we could write a book about them and be loaded! An hour a week wasn't enough but with all the money I was already spending, I took it upon myself to just expand on our discussions in-between. I figured out that after all these years, I never REALLY knew me. All the little things in my life that affected me and how I control myself, it was all alien to me until now. One day it was like a light bulb turned on: I understand why I was anxious/depressed in the first place and there was no need for it. Now cymbalta is my crutch and there is no need for that either. I asked to come off of it and he agreed I was ready. I guess this is where I must make the disclosure that I was “anti drugs†to start with and wanted off them as soon as I started them which prolonged my therapy. I had to accept being on them first, figure myself out, and then get the hell off them as quick as possible.
Juicy Stuff:
So here was the game plan: I was on 60mg daily dose for about a year, then went down to 40mg for 1 month, then 20mg for 1 month and now to 0. I was on, and still take, 0.5mg klonapin and topomax daily but that will be done in 3 weeks (per my plan we agreed to). I had to take my meds at night because I have an incredibly demanding job so my last dose was taken Monday night.
The Side Effects: I starting feeling the side effects by Wednesday morning (Day 1.5). It started out with a dizzy feeling. It was bearable for the day but I ran into a wall or two at the office. By the end of Wednesday I was having trouble concentrating on spreadsheets and the dizzy feeling was getting far worse. I should actually preface this with the fact that I had experienced occasional dizziness during the tapering down process but it wouldn't last long at all. I was becoming irritable and impatient with people at this point too.
Thursday (Day 3) I couldn't even drive to work (45 minutes away). The brain zaps had started. I can describe the whole dizziness and brain zaps as the feeling of having 3 drinks too many but being 100% aware of your loss in coordination and not enjoying it followed by a very low grade tazer gun being shot in the back of my head every 5-15 seconds. It worried me enough to go to my GP to get a full blood work up, quick heart check, blood pressure, etc. I figured better be safe than sorry. I knew I would experience withdrawals but didn't expect the complete lack of being able to walk straight. Everything checked out well with the exception of my cholesterol being a tad high for the first time in my life. No biggie there.
Friday (Day 4) I went to work but took the back roads and drove REALLY slow. I should have stayed at home but like I said, I have a demanding job and apparently I’m an idiot for risking my life on the road and everyone else. I am very disappointed that I didn’t work out an alternative to getting to work because I could have really hurt myself or worse, hurt someone else. In any case, coordination was off all day and I was highly and easily aggravated with people. My aggression was scaring even me. I reacted quick to tell someone they were wrong or an idiot and then by the end of the day I found myself crying in my office on my own for absolutely no reason. Ladies and gents, I don't cry! What the hell!
Saturday (Day 5), no change in the brain zaps or dizziness at all. Emotional state was still a little off. I probably could have cried if I saw a leaf drop off a tree and then turned around and put a guy’s head through a wall for not opening a car door for his wife. Yes, that much of an emotional swing. Fun times. It wore down through the day though. I made the discovery of the week though at this point: HAPPY THOUGHTS OR ACTIONS MADE THE SYMPTOMS SUBSIDE. I'm not joking about this guys. I looked at my lab puppy and he warmed my heart as he curled up next to me with a playful look on his face and everything cleared for a minute. I took that bit of enlightenment and expanded on it. I took him over to my friend’s house who also has a dog and socialized for the night and played with the dogs. I felt great. All symptoms subsided to near nothing!!
Sunday (Day 6) I woke up this morning back with the withdrawal symptoms but a little less than they have in previous days. Now I'm taking the time to plan my week out because I'm confident that I am going to be over this completely within a couple more days. Even if I'm not, then I will be telling myself it will only be a couple days more after that. It's not the end of the world and there are people with far bigger problems than what I am dealing with right now. I’m sticking with this whole “keeping positive thoughts and doing things I love†thing going on and it is really helping in coping with the withdrawal symptoms instead of sitting on the couch and feeling sorry for myself.
The light at the end of the tunnel for me right now is worth huge sacrifices so I keep reminding myself of that. I want to get back to being ME and get on with my life without drugs dictating how the chemicals in my brain should be working. The mind is incredibly powerful. I respect mine and learn from my experiences to keep growing as a person. I will continue to see my psych doc for a short time more just for what I'm gaining from the psychotherapy sessions (I hate that term-it makes it sound so bad).
In any case, I will post up a better summary once I'm done including weight issues and how they had changed pre and post cymbalta as well as social interactions and self esteem. More people need to do this because I went into this whole roller coaster ride blind and if someone would have been there to be a guiding light and let me know it's not the end of the world, I would have been back on my feet far quicker. It's hard to always trust and have faith in what is said coming from a doc who is in the business of having sick people around. They do have the medical knowledge of what is supposed to do what but we have the experience.
Great website!!!
