[neveragin]

Hi, I am new here and this site has been my lifeline for the past two to three weeks. Little history: Started Cymbalta a year ago this month, 60 mg/day 1st month, then upped to 120mg/day... After the effects of acclimating to the dosages subsided, the drug did what it was supposed to do for about a month. Then, I became an unfeeling zombie, numb to the world around me! Example: close friend was murdered last winter and I had to force myself to cry at the funeral... other than the "forced cry" I expressed NO emotion at all in response to this sudden loss of my friend!!! Scared the he** out of me. I decided that I would rather be depressed than be a numb automaton. In April of this year I took it upon myself, without first researching this at all, to cut my dose from 120mg/day down to 60. In halving my dose I spent the worst ten days to two weeks of my life plunged into a he** of rage, outbursts of anger, and general feelings of anger. aggression, and a marked inability to control my emotional tantrums at all. It felt like all of those emotions from the previous few months that I did not express in my zombie state were all there, right under the surface and they were all trying to come out at once!! The total lack of any control over my thoughts and emotions was terrifying and I lashed out at everyone, my kids, my Mom, my landlord (not a good idea!)my neighbor, strangers in traffic, in the store... nobody was immune or safe from my rampage. After about 3 weeks it went away... thank God. Small aside here: when on 120 mg/day I had no sex drive at all, so I dont know if performance would have been an issue; but at 60mg/day my sex drive has been extremely high and hard to contain, no problems with performance either!! I am thankful for that.
Now, I just did 2 weeks of the every other day taking 60mg, which as I am learning here, was not a wise choice and caused me all kinds of side effects, like a pendulum swinging back and forth between extremes. So, as of Friday last week (9/30) I am now cold turkey off the cymbalta. I have to say the nausea, although still there, is much less acute, and so is the chance of having a rage episode. Here is the weird new symptom since Friday - tense and tight muscles of head/neck/face with sinus pressure and pain...even my upper teeth feel odd.
Throughout all of this I have had no ambition, or drive, or energy to do anything... barely enough on some days to take a shower and fix my hair. ICK!
So, I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will be depressed for the rest of my life, because once this drug is out of me I will never agin ever take another psychoactive drug as long as I live!!
Dont know what my original point was here, but I think I've wandered around aimlessly enough for now..the lack of ability to focus is also very annoying and debilitating!! Any thoughts, suggestions, or words of encouragement will be taken to heart and greatly appreciated... so glad I found you guys! I will report back soon.
Thanks for listening,
Neveragin

[Imdone]

Dear Neveragin,

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, but as you'll see looking around this site, your story is not so unusual. I'm glad you have found this site where people who "know the score" are available to help you.

#1) Look on this site for directions on how to taper off Cymbalta very very slowly. The way you did it was guaranteed to send anyone to the nuthouse. It does NOT mean you are nuts!!!! If you can't find the direction, PM me and I will explain further.

#2) Even doing it very slowly will be somewhat painful....mainly fatigue as your brain re-wires. I have been doing a 90 day taper. I only have about 15 days to go now! I have been tired the entire time. But I have had NO depression.

#3) I agree with your never taking these evil ssri's again. Me either. That does NOT mean you have to have a life of depression. I highly recommend you read the book by Robert Whitaker: "Anatomy of an Epidemic." This book will show you that all these meds have not been proved to "work" at all, and that most depressions self-resolve over time. Furthermore, the book will make you so mad that it will energize you against the depression, once you find out the lies of Big Pharma and the psychiatric industry. I am a person who was depressed most of my life, but I have finally found freedom. One of the points of freedom is to get these evil drugs out of your body. But you HAVE to do it slowly, or depression will come back and you will think that you will be depressed without drugs, but what it really means is your body did not get a chance to adjust to not being on meds.

#4) Live a healthy life. Eat right, exercise, take vitamins, seek answers to health in books, classes and on the internet. Get therapy with a psychologist, but not a shrink, if you still need to, for depression. Refuse to take psych meds again

Good luck!

[neveragin]

Hi All,

Checking in. Tomorrow will make a week of NO Cymbalta...and until today I thought I might be one of the lucky ones to avoid the crying jags and other more severe withdrawals. But, I was wrong! Today the crying spells have begun, my "emotional skin" is thinner than tissue paper, and the volatile unpredictability of mood/rage/anger/agitation/irritability is markedly increased. I have also begun to experience these "Brain zaps" everyone talks about...but mine seem to originate in my sternum and jolt up through the front of me into my jaw and eyes and head! Very disconcerting and it's like when your wireless connection to the internet hiccups and whatever you were down/uploading quits and you have to start over. Also, having restless legs at night when I am being still and trying to relax. My inside of my nasal passages is all sore and raw, similar to when you have a bad sinus cold..nose constantly running with really thin secretions of mucus, sinus pain and tense face muscles...(In one of these threads someone compared the withdrawals they were experiencing to how people feel when on meth or speed. I would have to agree, and being a former long time abuser of meth I do know what that feels like through every stage of the addiction, withdrawal, recovery and clawing my way to sobriety.) An overall pervasive feeling of disconnection or dissociation from what is going on around me and in me, which seems to go against the unpredictable mood swings symptom...IDK. I am just holding on minute to minute! Scared, and angry too! Self medicating with illegal street drugs was more beneficial and less debilitating than these damn Rx demon pills.

To Imdone,
I do not have the luxury of slow tapering off. My RX for the drug is expired and the mental health coverage I had is also gone. I really want to just keep moving forward with the cold turkey quitting I have been doing for a week now. If I had access to more pills, I may have considered the bead counting technique, but I don't, so the point is moot. I would truly appreciate it if you could offer me a list of vitamins and supplements that have helped you through this, and/or anything at all that helped. I also am headed to the used book store tomorrow (my withdrawals permitting) to get the book you mentioned. I look forward to reading it. If because of my abrupt quitting I end up forever depressed and out of bodily balance, then so be it. I pretty much don't hope for happiness, I just hope for manageable levels of depression and emotional misery. Feeling bad is at least better than feeling like a numb zombie automaton.
Looking forward to more wisdom and advice from you on what helps to get one through all this. I will report back in soon...
Here is a quote I found:
"...the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." ~ Martha Washington, wife of George Washington
I am trying to be aware of my disposition now.

Thanx to all,
Neveragin

[RickWC]

neveragin,

I undertand that you are afraid and it is understandable. But if you withdrew from meth then you are in a position to understand that what you are feeling are symptoms of withdrawal and they will pass. It just takes time and pain to go through this. When I got off Cymbalta I was taking Methadone for back pain and the symptoms seemed managable. But I quit Methodone cold turkey and don't think my dependance on Cymbalta was over yet. It was another month of pure hell. Anxiety, stress, and depression were horrible. I took Cymbalta for years and although I have suffered from depression in the past, I was not taking it for depression. Let me tell you that quitting Cymbalta caused me a degree of depression that was worse then anything I had ever felt before.

Now that I have been clean from Cymbalta and Methadone for months, I can say that everything does pass. I still get depressed and anxious but I guess everybody does. Hang in there and all of this will pass even though it is going to be painful. You are absolutely right about abusing street drugs for self medication seems to be less harmful then anything our wonderful phar companies put into our bodies.

[neveragin]

Thanx RickWC for your words of support. Good to know that eventually...(in several months, not in year, right?) this wont be what dominates my whole life, I will feel better, maybe not truly good, but much better than now...I think I probably need to be reminded of this a lot over the next few weeks/months... New mantra, "This is not forever. This is not forever."

I logged back in tonight to say these zap thing are now jolting through my whole body, shooting down through my arms and legs and exploding in my hands and feet. They come in spurts, like a sprinkler that goes round and round... nothing,... nothing... nothing... OMG! Bombardment with what seems like hundreds of zaps coming like the rain from the sprinkler, all random and close together.,,,then nothing... nothing.. It happened while checking out at the convenience market about an hour ago! I was trying to pay with my card and couldnt slide it, or remember my PIN, felt so surreal.

I've had enough for today... taking half a xanax and gonna go mercifully into unconsciousness.......here's hoping tomorrow is better.

Night all,
Neveragin

[NParcher]

This is my first post.....I would list my withdrawl symptoms but you all nailed it on the head so why repeat what we all are feeling. My experience is slightly different. I went on Cymbalta for my fibro pain 2+ years ago. The first few months I was happy and feeling better than I had in years. Then slowly I became so withdrawn and anti-social. I kept spiraling until this summer my mom became sick with cancer and died within 3 weeks. I was a hot sloppy mess but unable to grieve. I just wanted to be left alone. Fortunately my husband, daughter and her 5 yr old was here so I had to go through the motions. When my daughter became emotionally sick (due to a faulty doctor and then watching gramma die) I started researching her meds only to stumble onto this website. A lightbulb finally went off in my head and I knew Cymbalta was slowly taking away my ability to be a caring person....I was becoming a zombie. I started withdrawing on my own because my monthly appt. with my doc was 3 weeks away. Even though I read almost every word typed to this website, I did the every other day (60mg.)dosing. Actually it went better than I expected so 2 weeks ago I stopped. All was fine for over a week then BAM! Back to my first sentence. I was certain I had kicked the withdrawls and had picked up the flu. Yesterday I spent the day in bed and then I was back here being realistic. Luckily my doctor gave me Prozac in case I needed it. I took 2 10mg. and curled back into bed but this time with my computer and hung out here. Thanx to Prozac I am out of bed today because my daughter is sick and I was able to get my grandson to school. The zaps have subsided and the human zombie I have become is at least stable. I will be realistic and use the Prozac for a few weeks and listen to those of you who have lived to tell the rest of us that life does go on after the evil Cymbalta....when done right. I thank each one of you for telling your story.

[RickWC]

Neveragin. The thing that I noticed when withdrawling was how much it amplifies everything. While I had suffered from depression in the past, Cymbalta withdrawal caused a depression greater then anything I had ever experienced before. While I have found myself to get angry in the past, Cymbalta withdrawal put me into a rage where I actually wanted to hurt people. I thank God that I'm over the withdrawal but I can't tell you that it will end for you in a certain time frame. I don't know how long it really took me because I started taking the pain medicine Methadone when I finally quit Cymbalta.

I had not taken any Cymbalta for about a month when I stopped Methadone cold turkey and the next month was pure hell for me. So how can I say what was causing what effect in that month. I know that the Methadone withdrawal is horrible and lasts longer then any other Narcotic. But it is highly possible that I was still feeling effects from the lack of Cymbalta as well. All I know is that I finally started to feel normal again. And that is just as scarey are the rest of this. Feeling normal after so many years in zombi land can be very frighening and I think some people confuse this feeling with withdrawal.

Either way, I hope and pray that you get over this soon.

NParcher. Good luck to you as well. Just keep in mind what I just said above. Going from being a non-feeling zombie to having feelings again is a hard transistion.

[neveragin]

hey everybody!

I figured I am overdue for a check in here with all of my fellow cymbalta refugees - as it were. Today marks day 24 cold turkey from 60mg/day dose. Since my last check in the weekend of the 7th, 8th and 9th was, I have to say, the worst of this ordeal and my turning point towards hope and I could finally see light at the end of my long dark tunnel... The zaps weren't just in my brain. They coursed through my whole body, exploding in my hands/feet/head with all the force of a whip when it cracks at faster than the speed of sound! Light, loud noises, swift movements, really anything caused the zaps to surge to unbearable levels... crying at the drop of a hat - seriously! I bawled over stupid tv commercials!! The tiniest irritant or obstacle elicited exaggerated, over the top reactions from me. I literally was holding on minute to minute.

Went to Walmart (tip: NOT a good idea in this condition!) and bought prenatal vitamins, omega 3 fish oil, evening primrose oil, and vit B complex sub-lingual drops. I also bought epsom salts and lavender essential oil. Started taking the supplements on Saturday the 9th and, believe it or not, started to feel relief from the "on the edge, minute to minute" feeling on the second day! I am absolutely astounded by how much the supplements truly help, and so quickly too! The zaps are probably 75% gone now. I only get them mostly at night when i am still and resting. And when they come they are much less excruciating. Haven't cried in a week.... well, only once. Rage comes less often and is easier to bring under control once I become aware of it.

I've even caught myself having brief spells of actually feeling - well, feeling OK. Feeling like I am much more present in myself, in my life and obligations...
Damn it! this isnt coming out right! Words aren't the right ones...
I feel much more present in NOW, my now, me. When I have one of these spells I actually feel optimism and excitement about my future - about me!

I get real hopeful at the prospect of not being on any psych meds at all for first time in over a decade, and actually feeling ok - with myself - as just myself!

But,

as soon as I become conscious of what I'm feeling...POOF! It is gone and is replaced by feelings of anxiety, doubt and fear. I think I read somewhere that this is a common thing to feel, but it just feels wrong to be afraid to feel good, doesn't it? shouldn't it?

I am by no means out of the woods yet, but I do believe the other side of this hell is only a few clicks away, in the forward direction!

As proof, I start new job Monday morning (been unemployed for past 16 months)... and am all registered and financed to go to school in January!!

I couldn't have survived this far without all of you, your wisdom, expertise and generous hearts to courageously share your tribulations with the world. I am grateful for this site and all I have learned here.

You haven't heard the last from me...I'll check in again soon

Strength to everyone!

Neveragin

[RickWC]

So glad that you are doing better. It looks like today will be your 28th day off Cymbalta. I'm happy that you found advice on this forum about the supplements that have helped aleviate your symtpoms. Hang in there and hopefully this will be over soon.

[outamymind]

Here, here!! Congrats neveragin & good luck with new job 

[neveragin]

Good Evening Everyone,

I am touching base after my first week of working again. The job is below my skill level (can't afford to pick and choose at this point!) and is only part time. Even so, the week was difficult to get through. I had to really suppress extreme annoyance feelings for a few members of my training group, I just wanted to smack these miscreant idiot savants upside the head and tell the they shouldn't have eaten such a large bowl of "Der, I'm an Imbecile" for breakfast - the bowl they had yesterday is still working full tilt! But, somehow I managed to keep it inside, smile and be professional.

Symptoms update:
* the rage episodes are fewer and farther between, lessening in intensity with each one;
* the zaps are becoming milder and localized to my head, lower arms and hands, and occasionally the lower legs and feet, no longer jolting through my entire body;
* the crying/sadness episodes over nothing seem to have been replaced by episodes of experiencing real emotions I wasn't able to feel while in zombieland... this is disconcerting and encouraging at the same time. I cried today, grieving for my friend who was murdered last December -cried/grieved for the first time in almost a year for her loss, missing her terribly. All the emotions and caring I didn't feel and do for all those months is coming out now and it is overwhelming me. I can't sleep more than 3 to 4 hours at night, and when I do, it isn't good restful sleep;
* the dissociation and disconnected feeling has waned, and is almost nonexistent at this point...Good! It was scaring me!

As Dory of Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." (that and "the sea monkeys have my money!" LOL) This is what I'm doing now...I just keep swimming... sure hope I can tread water longer than this lasts!

Will report in again with another update soon. Again, my undying gratitude to you all and this wonderful site.

Strength to everyone,
Neveragin

[neveragin]

ONE MONTH TODAY OFF CYMBALTA!!!!
too tired to say anything more
Just YAY

[neveragin]

Checking in! How is everybody doing?

I was on last night, and wrote a fairly good sized update, and just when I was done proofreading and getting ready to hit Post - my laptop battery died, the thing went into hibernation, and I lost it all!!!!FML! So, I'm back with laptop plugged into charger and we're gonna try this again...

Not sure how long its been since I took my last Cymbalta, but I'm guessing I am close to 45 days clean. I have to say that now is the time for me to be very careful not to become overly optimistic or confident that I have beaten this. Just when I feel like this and have had 24 - 48 hours of centered-ness (is that a word?) - being in the Me that feels sure, calm, purposeful, confident and secure... regardless; I get kicked in the back of the knee and down I go! A withdrawal symptom or negative shift in perception brings me to my knees with fear and anger that I'm STILL Cymbalta's bitch... Have you ever thought you heard it laughing? I have - very faintly, and only for a second or two.

Symptoms update:
**Rage is pretty much gone...no more tirades or rants...now when I feel one building, I give myself just a moment to feel it, and if I start to gripe and yell, I am able, within a minute or two, to give myself a time out. I go into my room, shut the door. I stay there until the feeling dissipates, reason returns. I am even able to then reappear offering my apology to anyone who heard it.
** Irritability/Patience is somewhat more consistent with the low level, but there are still frequent bursts of instant and strong irritable impatience snapping angrily back at someone...usually feeling extremely annoyed because they are distracting me from focusing on something - computer, writing, tv... But prior to their distracting me, I was thinking to myself, 'you're pretty steady today...in control.' PPFFFTT!! yea, right.
**Jolts/Zaps are still diminishing with time. Now they appear only when extremely tired, or mentally over taxed. They are more of an aching or tension deep in the big muscles in back, arms and legs close to the bone...similar to that prickly feeling you get when your adrenaline rushes... I guess. I can't describe this one right...sorry!
**Crying jags are gone (knock wood!). Now, the emotions are less extreme..evolving to a pervasive undercurrent of loneliness that is hard to stave off all the time. This terrifies me. I can see them, Depression and Need For Meds Again, lurking just inside the shadows beyond the street lights - pacing, watching, waiting for their opening to reclaim their hold on me.
**Sleep/Lack Of It is more like it...no more than 3 to 4 hours at any time. It is either dead unconscious sleep, or restless, shallow sleep. If I dose out in front of the tv and sleep for 15 or 30 minutes, I then wake and cant go back to sleep for several hours...ruins the few hours I would have gotten w/o the cat nap. Pretty tired!
**Libido/Drive is way off the charts, is there ALL the time, very elevated level of imaginings, dwelling on fantasy - a lot of the day everyday, masturbation does nothing to alleviate, seems to agitate actually! So far I have not taken action because I have someone who
explores this with me with words and dialogue ... is bittersweet, but better than acting out and regretting having done so. This is truly becoming a big issue! I have other things to be focusing on like my new job, and 20 other things. If I don't get this fixed its only a matter of time until acting out won't be an if anymore it will be a did.
**Confusion/Focusing is still an issue, a little less disabling, but still noticeable and I have to consciously make myself focus, get the thing done.

It may not seem like from these updates, but overall, things continue to improve. I have longer periods of 'good spells' and less of the bad ones...I can get it in check much better now than I could before. The only negative thing seeming to increase is the feeling lonely. I think this is because I am now feeling better about me, feeling more worthy and acceptable, and have stronger faith that I am likeable, etc. Therefore, is ok for me to want company. I am reaching out to friends to get together, spend time, get out of house in social endeavors...It is hard, but working, I think.

Now my laptop is about to burst into flames!! lol. This is long enough. Have lots of stuff to do...Let me know how some of you are now? Rickwc? Nparker? Everybody?...I'll be back to give more history soon.

Be well. My closing quote this time is:
"When I go to bed, I leave my troubles in my clothes." ~ Dutch Proverb

til then,
neveragin

[spedjames]

It is so good to know I am not the only one. I thought I was losing my mind and told my hubby to put me away. He won't, says it will get better.
I just growl at him and yell at the kids. How terrible it is to find 3 pieces of cereal on the floor? Pretty terrible if you live with me, one part going off the chart while another part is telling me to shut up and chill.

[neveragin]

spedjames,
I am still struggling to repair some of my relationship with my eldest daughter, she is 20, youngest is 14...I just keep reminding them that a lot of my negative feelings and words are not how I really feel, I tell them as often as the cymbalta haze allows me to that they are the best girls ever, and this will not be forever. I tell them that in the end I will be a better, more genuine Mom to them...etc...I try to create moments of silly laughter and joy whenever possible. Laughing with them is good measure for counteracting those awful ragings they endure...I write them little notes telling them how much I appreciate their understanding and patience with me as I go thru this hell, how truly awesome they are, and even tell them some things they can do to help me avoid the rages...be sure to pick up after themselves, be a little more aware of what they are doing, and be mindful of what sets off the episodes... I have been very open with them about what's happening inside me, and why I am going thru all this hell, there is a positive destination...

But, by far, the best medicine for repairing your bond with the kiddos, is laughter, lots and lots of silly laughter, and telling them what great awesome kids they are, even an apology or two has worked wonders, especially with my youngest..Kids are resilient, and ever forgiving. They will forget, and they will love you more for being human. and for overcoming this evil Rx drug.

It absolutely 100% gets better, easier, and less debilitating for you, and those on the sidelines, with time, supplements, and time, more time

All the best to you and family...Husband is right, no putting you away!! You are stronger than those pills!!

Neversgin

[neveragin]

hey!! I just noticed that I am no longer a "Newbie"!! I'm a "Member" now.... very cool!
thanx guys!

[Thally]

Hi, this is my first post. I'm so glad I found you guys... Thought I could quit Cymbalta easily....according to my Doctor. I've been running into walls because I'm so dizzy. Thought is was an ear infection or something. Except, you don't get intense bouts of crying with those. I was reading Neversgin post...instead of feeling like a zombie...I was crying like a 2 year old for nothing. Stopped work for awhile, couldn't concentrate and I felt like I was in La-La Land I was the funeral home for my deceased uncle (I wasn't even that close)and I had to leave beacause I just lost it...

I've been dealing with depression for a few years...tried a variety of meds. Started Cymbalta to ease the aches and pains, it quit working this summer. My doctor increased it, but I was sleeping all the time, headaches, nausea etc.
Tried another med from hell last week...yead didn't appreciate the slurred speach that went with it (at half the dose)and other symptoms.. Took one, decided that I don't want to poison myself with these disgusting drugs anymore.

Down the road, I know I can beat this depression crappola with exercise, nutrition...but thinking and doing are 2 things

To sum up, I took 30mg of Cymbalta this afternoon, I couldn't take the withdrawal symptoms anymore. I need advise though. My doc told me to take 60mg for a week and quit...I quit last thursday, but it's been rough. I was thinking of maybe taking 30 mg for a week instead ?

Thanks for your time !!!

[RickWC]

neveragin. I'm so happy that you are consistently improving. Like you, I have started a new job but unlike you, it is not part time. I've been working 55 hours a week and haven't got on here much.

Thally. Very few people quit cold turkey. Neveragin is a rare and special exception to us. I would try cutting back to 30mg for a week or two and then start spacing out the days between doses. That worked for me but not for everybody.

[neveragin]

RickWC,
Thank you for your kind words... I think you give me too much credit, tho... I am not that special. Just extremely desperate and determined to get this evil, mind and emotion numbing drug's influence out of my life. When my 19 year old daughter said to me last spring, "you don't care about anything anymore, do you, Mom?" That truly hit home with me.
Some way too personal history will help you understand better:
In 2007 I battled and won my personal war with a 20 plus year meth addiction...My motivation? My daughters! My first born was 15 then, and I saw that time was running away from me while I concentrated on getting high...I didn't know who she was, or wanted to become and in a few short years she would be moved out, off to college and living her dreams... I refused to allow that to happen and have me still not know who she is. So, I went to my mother, and $15,000 (and tearful confession/heart to heart with her) later I was receiving treatment. If I can beat meth, I can beat anything!
Well, when she said that to me last spring I realized time was running again, while I stood looking the other way... zombified on cymbalta this time!! I knew that time was shorter than ever... And time is all gone now, she moves away to California after this semester is over, and we have one last (for the time being) Christmas as a family together. She is off to get married, and go to school on the coast. This and the fact that my youngest daughter was beginning her high school career and I know she needs me 100% there, present in the moment, for every moment possible to guide her thru it.
These reasons and past experiences are what MADE me just bite down hard, swallow and just do it. My responsibility to those two kids is way more important than any personal hell I may be wanting to wallow in! I have plenty of time for that coming in a few more years when they are both grown and gone... By no means is it easy, and I felt like I wanted to die, or was dying slowly and would never ever feel good again..still do - ALOT. In fact, when I am on here now, it is when those seldom good spells are in effect, and things are lit with optimism...

But, as I said in my post on 11/12, the loneliness is crippling. Most of the time I feel like if I didn't have my girls, I would have probably found a way to die long before now.. I have been slowly trying to kill myself since I began using meth in my late teens...guess I'm too much of a coward to do it the quick and decisive way. "Git "er Done!" lol Seriously though, I am off the drug, and the physically painful symptoms have lessened enough to not handicap me in the physical sense...that took just under two months to come about.... but felt like a decade! But, even so, I am not rare, or special...quite the contrary... I am a run of the mill addictive personality and I know it. I was in an especially bad emotional hell when I started the drug, held out such high hopes for it to work, which it did - for about a nano-second, then it but me in a waking coma of sorts..zombie, auto pilot, lights on but hamster died on the wheel, ummm.. couple of bubbles off plumb?! After my kid's comment smacked me awake, I halved my doses from 120 down to 60...(almost got evicted because of my rages I directed at landlord and neighbors)... that was two to three weeks of murderous rages and inability to control myself at all..then went for about 4 or 5 months on 60. So, when my pills ran low and no RX for more, or coverage to pay I steeled my mind for the coming roller coaster ride, started the every other day thing for 3 weeks (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS!!) and then, threw the last two or three pills away and went cold turkey... I struggle not to hate myself, have terrible self esteem, if any at all... and am most of the time, if not lonely sad and depressed, then I am angry irritable and short tempered. Sprinkle this with the occasional brief episode of optimism and ...well, I don't want to say happiness, but feeling happy for a time?...and there you have me!

I figure it is better to feel - anything, even bad - than to feel nothing at all. and I have resigned myself to a lifetime of varying levels of misery..I go thru the motions, and make like everything is great... it's not, not really, not deep inside when you're alone and all you can hear is the constant barrage of negative self talk and overwhelming loneliness... I don't feel worthy of love and companionship, very rarely have I felt that like I was in my whole life. But, despite all this, I have a responsibility to two souls I created and brought into this effed up world. A responsibility to do everything I can to help them be more, do better, achieve more ability to find peace in themselves, and succeed in this world, to be happy just as themselves, to not have a black hole of need in their core that colors their whole life black... if I can send them into the world better equipped and more whole than I ever was, well then, I will consider my life to not have been a waste.

Really super scared that in another 4 or 5 years, when both girls are gone that I will just completely give up, fall apart and self destruct somehow. SO, I am trying now to busy myself with things to add to me..I too have a full time job now, found it just after the p/t job started - working four 10 hr days. That occupies half the week.. The other half I write- alot. I journal, blog, and am looking at school to learn writing skills and get better at it.. I like writing, so, why not... I just want to have something to look forward to that is separate from "Mom Me" so I don't call it quits when they're gone

Wow! this is a lot longer than I intended.. I do tend to ramble! Tiredness does not help either...Most nights I only sleep 3 to 4 hours if lucky.. and its been sevral nights since I got even that much..
Thanks again for your words, I just want the picture people get of me to show both sides of the coin. This is the side that predominates right here.

My closing quote this time is especially appropriate:
"I'm nobody, who are you?"
Emily Dickinson

I am still working through all of this crap, just like the rest here. Not special, honest.

Good Night All,
Sleep well,
Neveragin

[RickWC]

Neveragin, I hope things are better with you now. You are special in the way that you have beaten several addictions. That doesn't mean that you are some super person but just have the courage and will power to do what many others have failed at. That in itself makes you special and you should give yourself more credit.

I've been working a lot of hours and seldom find time to get on this forum anymore. You can probably tell that by the amount of time it took me to respond. Doesn't mean I'm not wishing you well, though. Take care and good luck with everything life has to offer.

[neveragin]

Hey RickWC,

Good to hear from you, thought my last post might have offended! I seem to find less time to get on here as well... I am also working more hours and have been involved in other things holding my attention... Some of these things good for me, some - not so much! However, feeling pretty good with myself in that I just "kicked to the curb" one of the "not so much" things...all on my own, too!! Stood up for myself and what I deserve and am worthy of... Even though still very much alone, somehow this has a different flavor to it! Less bitter, or put upon by it all, I guess.

Definite improvements are being seen and felt in many aspects of my life. Still marred with loneliness, but somehow, less alone, if that makes sense. Been reading some self help/relationship success types of books that have given me insight into some of my own thoughts and actions that are essentially self sabotage! And yet, as I've learned before, knowledge of a problem does not magically solve it! If only it were that easy, right?

I am finding that other than the loneliness and a slight increase in my confusion level, a persistent sense of befuddlement and fuzzy focus, that all other symptoms are still on a steady decline...No more zaps, except once a week or so, and always when I am very tired, and less extreme mood swings, rages are almost nonexistent, and I am in control more of the time. Loud noises and sudden movements still startle me, make me jump and I am irritated and annoyed by them, starting to wonder if this may be unrelated, but I doubt it....

Oh! Here's something new and weird... I said before my eye sight was worsening rapidly, and it is, but I went to the doctor complaining of what I assumed to be an eye infection caused by contaminated eye make up...was sent ot specialist, who told me that my tear ducts have stopped producing tears and are "plugged" - hence the constant dryness in the eye lead the the infection... So, a round of antibiotic eye drops with rewetting drops and goopy gel at night until resolved, or we move on the Restasis. Infection is gone, but tear ducts still plugged...This is a symptom of an auto-immune problem called Sjogren's Syndrome, but I tested negative for that earlier this year ... So, I don't know if this is completely unrelated to the Cymbalta or not...??

Gotta go cook some dinner, now,. Everyone!! Stay strong, take care, and remember, we are all stronger than some stupid little "miracle pill" pushed upon us by an ignorant medical community manipulated by the all powerful and omniscient Pharma industry's insatiable greed for possession of our very souls!

Ending quote:
“Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” (Unknown)

Health and healing to all,
Neveragin

[neveragin]

Wow, it's been about 6 weeks or more since I've been on here to give an update. Too long.

So, I am just about exactly at 4 months completely off the cymbalta - having gone cold turkey from 60mg/day...

Withdrawal symptoms that still linger are
the insomnia - no matter the exhaustion level, never more than 4 hours/night now;
the blurry unfocused DRY eyes and mouth - so annoying!
the zaps at night have evolved into what seems like a mild version of RLS - the more tired I am, the more pronounced and noticeable this one is;
the brain fog is intermittent and unpredictable, but not half as debilitating as it was while on the drug or in the first weeks coming off it;
The rages have calmed into a pervasive state of irritability with rare spikes of little rages that pass pretty quickly.

And, of course, despite all my efforts to stave it off, the depression and loneliness are back. I had really really hoped that they would not return. Well, at least that the depression wouldn't come back...the loneliness never left, to be honest. It has come back in spite of my efforts to keep it away...I am online, attempting to date, or at least communicate and socialize with men, I am working full time back in an industry that I love and have not been in since 2004, taking an online writing class - keeping the promise I made to myself that I would go back to school this month, and even keeping a blog and writing erotica stories...

Oh! that's another symptom that has NOT gone away, or lessened at all! My libido in overdrive! "All riled up and no one to f**k"...Sigh....

Things that may be contributing to the depression that are new in my life are
my appearance - will be 45 next month and the "11's" between my eyes and lines around my nose and mouth getting very deep, hair skipped gray altogether and went straight to pure white (about 85 to 90% completely white under the coloring jobs) and is thinning rapidly, lost a couple more teeth in the back and smile is pretty yellow... (still maintaining my thinness, though!!! Very happy bout that!)
job pays too little and being forced to work Tuesday thru Saturday, swing shift beginning in mid February
eldest daughter has moved to California, and gotten married at the justice of the peace!! (Really?)
wondering what's wrong with me that any of the men I meet - online or otherwise - seem so interested and then out of the blue, poof, it evaporates into nothing in an instant... what am I doing? or what is it about me that makes them do such an abrupt about face? (really don't like believing I will be alone forever, I mean, hell if my ex can find someone to love his stinky jerk self, I should be able to as well, right?)
realizing that I spent more than a decade with a man who never loved me doesn't do anything for my confidence level at all!


No counseling, no meds........not gonna do it! I will just have to learn how to deal. That's all.

Well, I think that's it for now....gotta get up early tomorrow...

G'night everybody.

Parting quote:
"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." -Longfellow

Neveragin

[RickWC]

Hey Neveragin,

I haven't really been getting on this forum lately but saw that you had posted and remembered that I still owed you a reply. I'm so happy that you have hit the 4 month mark but am surprised that you are still getting symptoms. I had heard that some suffer after this much time but with me, the symptoms never lasted that long.

Some of the other things you are going through are what we call life and growing older. That's one thing I struggled with the most. I had been on Cymbalta and other anti-depressants for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to feel normal. Unfortunately, for most of us, lonliness and depression can be a normal condition.

I guess the point is that when I was on Cymbalta I was lonely and depressed and without Cymbalta I'm still lonely and depressed. The only difference is that on Cymbalta it wasn't so intense but still there. Of course Cymbalta dulled more then just the bad things but also the good things. Including my sex drive, just like it did to you.

I understand the feeling of getting older too. I just turned 50 last November and it feels like my life has passed me by. I've never been married and have no kids. I wasted 15 years on a bad relationship that ended about 3 years ago and have not been able to move on. I don't regret the relationship being over but at the same time can't seem to motivate myself to start over. And just like you I notice the physical signs of getting older and don't like what I see.

I'm not trying to whine but just letting you know that you are not alone in this. We all go through the aging process and some of us like you and me just can't seem to fine that special someone to share our lives with. I also thought that I would grow old with a wife and family but it just hasn't happened. I've tried the online dating which just hasn't worked out. I don't meet any woman where I work and I hate my job. And I don't go to bars or clubs anymore.

Anyway, hang in there. I'm sorry if I don't reply often but as I said, I don't get on here much. If you still want to talk then maybe send me a message instead of posting. Take care and hope things continue to improve for you.

[Jenni]

There are some really good self-help books out there (amongst the nonsense) and I am wondering if they might be of help to you - especially since Neveragin is a person who loves writing. Here in the UK, it can be hard to get counselling and so one health provider asked family doctors to "prescribe" a list of self-help books while patients were on a waiting list for counselling. It turned out that the self-help books were really helpful to the patients. You might have to dip in to a few before you find something that resonates with you. Worth a try. Might also help you find some other ways of meeting someone lovely to share your life with.

Dry mouth is really bad for your teeth. Sugar-free gum when nobody is looking?

Best of luck with your journeys

[neveragin]

Jenni, on 31 January 2012 - 03:46 PM, said:

There are some really good self-help books out there (amongst the nonsense) and I am wondering if they might be of help to you - especially since Neveragin is a person who loves writing. Here in the UK, it can be hard to get counselling and so one health provider asked family doctors to "prescribe" a list of self-help books while patients were on a waiting list for counselling. It turned out that the self-help books were really helpful to the patients. You might have to dip in to a few before you find something that resonates with you. Worth a try. Might also help you find some other ways of meeting someone lovely to share your life with.

Dry mouth is really bad for your teeth. Sugar-free gum when nobody is looking?

Best of luck with your journeys

Jenni,

Thanks for the suggestions, and yes, I have read many many so called "self help" books...some offered good sound reasoning and advice to improve my general outlook, others were just fodder for the trash heap. Do you have this list of books? or maybe a link to a site somewhere online that lists them? I would be interested to look the list over and see if there are some I haven't read, or by authors I am not familiar with...always open to relevant reads...

As far as the teeth, yea...tell me about it. Two weeks ago I was eating a piece of soft chocolate and broke a molar into several pieces! Ended up in the dentists chair and having two teeth pulled. Most of my back teeth are now gone on the bottom, still have all my top teeth though! Haha...I think I may have an auto immune disorder called Sjogren's disease, but tested negative for that last year. I don't know..

Please, try to find me the list of books you mentioned.

Thanx again for the suggestions!

Came across a super quote today...


“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely”. ~Unknown

Neveragin.

[Jenni]

Love the quote. I think I will put it on my facebook page. Here is a link giving some info on the books they recommended to patients.

http://www.nhs.uk/Li...elptherapy.aspx

If you just google self help books on nhs you will get quite a few results.

A couple of books my psychologist recommended and which I found helpful enough to hang on to are:
50 self help classics by Tom Butler-Bowdwon - basically an overview of 50 books so you could see if any appeal to you
What Happy People Know by Dan Baker - shame he feels the need to include so many anecdotes about his rich/famous patients but actually some helpful advice
Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns - this was the first one I was ever "prescribed" and it was very helpful to me. He is actually a highly qualified/experienced physician so not just mumbo-jumbo.

Take care

[Amber0401]

Holy crap 120/day?!?!?!? i am dying trying to get off 60/day.....i cant even imagine how u feel poor thing

[jlb]

I'm just reading here what people are writing, and I'm wondering if after all these physical symptoms stop, does that mean I'm still going to be uber-depressed for the rest of my life? Right now, the only depression I'm feeling is because of these physical symptoms I'm going through. The sinus headaches, nausea, stomach cramps, loss of interest in food, brain "zaps"...they're enough to make anyone hide in bed all day! But before I went off of the Cymbalta, I stepped back and looked at everything that was wrong with my life, and what I could do to fix it. I dwell a lot on what happened in the past (I also have OCD, so that may be contributing to the worrying), but I realized that no medication can cure me from that, because the past is the past, and isn't going to change. I decided that I had to look ahead to the future, and cast out things/people in my life that reminded me of the past. I realized that I have to really work at this, because a medication will not change the past. Also, since I had been on Cymbalta, I had the usual side effects: no sex drive (which I think has caused some demise in my marriage), weight gain (and I was already overweight as it was), blurry vision, and the other side effects that are so common. I didn't realize it until I found this website, but I also had a flattened affect, and didn't smile or feel empathy as much as I should. Now I notice that I probably wasn't a particularly "exciting" person to be around. I did not want to have to depend on anti-depressants anymore (ESPECIALLY this one), so I talked to my psychiatrist, and we are going "holistic" for my depression. Vitamin D, folic acid, Omega-3, Vit B complex, and whatever else I can take, I'm taking. I was determined to be off Cymbalta, and all other anti-depressants. I thought it would be difficult emotionally, and other than some nausea that my psychiatrist said I may have, I thought it would be easy to get off these meds.

Until 2 days after I stopped it....

I thought it was just a sinus infection, which I get often, so I got a script for an antibiotic, and started taking Benadryl at night to help kick the infection. You know, Vicks Vapor Rub, the whole deal. My stomach also felt nauseous, but I thought it was probably due to sinuses, having been through it many times.

Around days 5/6, I wasn't getting any better, and at day 8, I started to suspect it might be the Cymbalta, instead of the flu/sinus infection I thought I had. I was on Paxil many many years ago, and was taken off of that cold turkey, and felt horrible for 2 months. I would kill for the way I felt for those 2 months compared to how I feel now....

I talked to my psychiatrist, and they told me that if I was still feeling this way after a week off the meds, it was probably the flu bug. But something still didn't seem right...I would get extremely hot, and need to lay in front of a fan with shorts and a tank top on (even though it's only about 20 degrees outside!), and after awhile I would get very cold, where even my warmest clothes and bundling under the covers wouldn't warm me up. I think someone on here described it very well-shaking that is so bad that it involves your chest and abdominal muscles, and actually makes your back hurt so much that you can hardly stand it. I also started having these dizzy spells, and a "funny feeling" in my head-which was described so accurately by many here as "brain zaps". I finally decided to look up online what the withdrawal symptoms were, expecting to find several poorly written websites, each with different withdrawal symptoms than no one has. What I didn't expect to find was this website, and how many people have been through this! I cried with relief that I had found an answer to my symptoms, but also became quite concerned that this is happening to so many people. I could identify with pretty much everyone on here, and learned that my "rage" and crying were not abnormal. I have gotten into several arguments with my husband, and even felt violent at times. That violent feeling has passed, luckily, but I still find reasons to get upset, even over little things. I also cry-A LOT. I can be crying one minute (over something stupid, like the saying on a greeting card or a TV show where people are talking about getting married), and the next minute I will be laughing over something equally as stupid and not at all funny. I do hope this will pass-I feel bipolar at times, although I'm not.

I'm wanting to move on with my life, to lose weight, to make new friends and put my past behind me, but these physical symptoms are slowing me down. How long is this going to last? I don't know how much more of work I can miss. I want to be a real person again, instead of this robot I've become.

To anyone who is still reading this (I know I've rambled on and on, I probably would've stopped reading long ago, too!), thanks for listening. I needed an outlet for the way I was feeling, and family and friends just don't understand unless they've been through it. Which, luckily for them, none of them have. Any comments on when I'll start feeling better?

[neveragin]

JLB,

Welcome to the fray! I read all the way through your post, and no you did not ramble. Thoughts are hard to put into a cohesive thread when in the height of withdrawals... The foggy head was one of the worst "non-physical" symptoms for me. I am a highly intelligent person and to not be able to form thoughts and express them with any fluidity was very very disconcerting. The day I took my last cymbalta was September 30, 2011. So, it's been almost 4 1/2 months for me.
The physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms are 97% completely gone. I say this because at night, or when at rest...like now, sitting in my bed, using my laptop, shoes off, relaxed...I have a vague feeling in my legs that I think is pretty close to what restless leg syndrome must feel like. An antsy, uneasy sensation, almost like when you're up too high and your knees turn all rubbery from the fear of heights...hard to describe accurately. But the only thing that alleviates this unpleasant feeling is to move my legs around.

But, you don't want to hear my minutiae...Your question of when will you feel better, I cannot give you a firm answer...everyone is different. But, I can tell you what helped make my symptoms bearable. That was a combination of a couple things:
1. supplements that they recommend on this site...specifically the fish oil omega 3, and the vitamins, I took a prenatal, and 2000 units vit D everyday..and evening primrose to help with the hot flashes.
2. I used aroma therapy with lavender oil sprinkled on my sheets and pillows, and took Epsom salt and lavender oil baths with candles, and low light...long soaking baths.
3. I took short walks, building up to longer ones, outside...mostly by myself at first..then later sometimes with my daughter(s).
4. I was on this site a lot, and read as much as I could on here and also began posting periodic updates in this thread...the other peoples' answers and responses were encouraging and a good reminder that I wasn't alone in going thru this - even thought the reality is the you are indeed ALONE in this...but I wasn't the only one going thru it and that made me feel better.

The supplements began to work almost immediately when I started taking them, mostly with the electrical zaps, and I think the rages too. I started to feel much better by early November...so, approximately 4 to 5 weeks into my withdrawal I began to feel better than worse most of the time. It no longer dominated my every thought and action.

If you have to, take FMLA time from work to get thru the next few weeks. I was unemployed for 16 months until the last week of October, so I didn't have work to contend within those early weeks. And, to lose the weight, well.. I had been on weight watchers with my Mom for months before, and was losing weight, but when I quit the cymbalta, I also basically quit the diet plan,etc....and yet...amazingly, I kept losing the weight.... hope your metabolism restarts like mine did!! But,regardless, weight watchers did work for me, and it worked the way the doctors want it to....1/2 to 1 or 2 pounds a week (only twice did I lose more than 2 pounds in one week)...slow and steady...no crash losses to regain... and I have stayed within 10 pounds of my ideal weight since! Mainly it is portion control and increasing fiber (SLOWLY!).

I have always had depression issues since my teen years, so I cannot say that cymbalta has left me with life long depression.... I just know that I would rather feel bad, than feel nothing at all, or the falseness of what you feel when on these psycho active drugs. At least what I am feeling is me, really me...not a polluted, or watered down me, and not an altered me,...just the real me. And, like one of my favorite quotes goes, ‎"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things that you do not want feel." ~ Anonymous


I guess my point in this long round about way to get there is that it does get better, and cymbalta can be past tense in your life. Whether the depression can or not is dependent on your individual situation...give it a month and you will feel much different than today.

Good luck! I will send you strength and good thoughts!

Neveragin

[jlb]

Thanks Neveragin. It was so helpful to hear from you, and it sounds like you have made a lot of progress. I read a lot of your posts on here, and although the progress was slow, it did get better. I am also on Weight Watchers, but haven't been able to do anything with it, as I just started recently before I got off this evil med, and I haven't been able to exercise, plus I stopped tracking during this time because it's lucky if I even meet half my points for the day, since I'm not eating much, and it's not all staying down. I started to realize that this is a more severe version of what I went through last summer while weaning off a different SSRI to be put on Cymbalta. I felt crappy too then, with many of the same symptoms, but at least I was able to make it to work more frequently than I am now.

So, we are trying a different approach. Since my Cymbalta wean was too fast, I am going back on 20 mg every other day for 2 weeks, then every third day for 2 weeks, then stop. This was discussed wih my psychiatrist. Surprisingly, she has never had this happen to anyone, and she weans people off this drug all the time! I told her to look at this website and see how many people are really dealing with this...I'm sure she would be shocked. I also am receiving something better for nausea, and small doses of Xanax to help get me over this. I'm not thrilled with going back on the Cymbalta (I don't look forward to going through this again, and I want weight to start coming off!), but maybe it will help. I can't afford to miss much more work. I will definitely try some of the things you mentioned though...thanks!

I will let you know how it goes....