[PIckle]

Well I am new here...didn't think I would ever post anything but have been reading a lot and Thank EVERYONE who takes the time and shares their 'ups & downs' with all of us...on our own prescribed journey.

Life is an enigma for me and...probably much like many...I tend to grab at the chance to beat myself when already down. 2 months ago I could no longer get my Adderal due to prescription shortages around the US...so I went cold turkey, then my husband came home one day and started talking about how he and a Friend were discussing how addictive Xanax was...and impossible to not misuse...so to prove them wrong I went cold turkey and aside form weight gain (which for someone recovering from an eating disorder is not easy) I did it...not problem. That left my nightly dose of 60mg of Cymbalta and 10 mg of Ambien..my crutch into a dreamless world of sound sleep and a morning rise with energy and a smile.

So now fast forward to a couple days before Christmas and I come down with the Flu and somehow the notion that I want to start the new year off with no meds and re-evaluate how I ended up here in the first place. I flushed everything with my husband, after telling him on day 3, and I am here on day 5...squeezing every ounce of strength I have to not track the pills down the pipes 'Finding Nemo' style and start up again. How could I have not known that the plastic striped pill was going to take me 10 rounds without gloves? Why does no one tell you this? Granted...switching up you prescriptions on your own and going cold turkey solo is not advised but when yu terminate your relationship with your Dr after 7 years...at least I was left with much choice. Wasn't going to start up with a new 'paid listener and pill pusher' just so i could wean myself over months and months and pay someone to control the impending doom's day...where I am right now...

It has to get better than this right? I mean..the nausea, the headaches, the sweats...I can't fall asleep but then I cannot wake up once I do...the dreams that leave me not knowing what really happened...I am even feeling responsible for the night terrors my 8 year old has had the last 3 nights - I think she doesn't understand why Mommy is so sick and now screams for me in the night. How can trying to fight the sadness make you so sad - it just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that those of us who need help suffer the consequences of mis-information and those around me who abuse these pills for fun...seem to have no issues. Not that I would EVER wish this pain on anyone...I just want my life back...no more bandaids...I don't want to be in a happy fog over being in a real storm...but with this pain...in my head...and in my stomach...this storm has me reeling like I am sea sick in the perfect storm. So nauseous right now...when I started writing this I felt good and thought...Wow..I am through it...but I guess not.

Don't know if I am looking for responses or feedback...just felt good to write something and hope for everyone out there...struggling in their own way that you find PEACE!!!

[Belphoebe]

I'm on day 7, and it is definitely better today than yesterday. The brain buzzing and vertigo have been much less evident today. I haven't had any nausea or diarrhea but rather the reverse...I can't seem to get enough to eat. That seems a bit better so far today as well. The withdrawal symptoms have been coming and going. Today it feels like they're going! YAY!

I've posted several replies about the importance of finding out the underlying cause of your depression. Turns out mine is physical. I've lost about 98% of the curve in my "arc of life," the curve that's supposed to be in the neck. For 30 years I've had bones and disks pressing on the nerves that are supposed to control mood (as well as blood pressure, hormone function, etc.). I'm working with a chiropractor to fix that. Please have an exam by a healing chiropractor, one who focuses on correcting the arc of life (rather than just where you're having pain) like the ones at Maximized Living. (They have offices all over the US. If there's not one near you, it's worth the drive!)

You WILL get through this. It's probably going to get a bit worse before it gets better, but you WILL get through it. And then you will never have to do it again!

[PIckle]

Wow...last night when I wrote this I guess I wasn't doing as well as I thought based on all the typos!

One more day down and I have to say today at least I seems to have my sea legs until I tried to work a bit on the computer..seems any type of screen work totally throws my equilibrium off. Couldn't eat all day but had a voracious appetite for dinner and then totally regretted it after. Doing ok now but I just want to SLEEP!!! Just sprayed some 'Goodnight' aromatherapy that a Friend makes and I am hoping the lavender will lull me into sound sleep. The dreams, if that is what they can be called, are crazy real still...it is a 'dream' of mine to achieve some REM cycle tonight and just shut it all down.

Of course it doesn't help that my daughter is still sick and we didn't even get outside today...here is hoping tomorrow will be a welcome improvement...there is hope! I just want to play in the snow and make some great memories with my Family!

I will def look into seeing a holistic Dr...thanks for the advice!!! - we have some really amazing ones here...I ran from one years ago when his readings got too personal and he seemed to 'see' too much...I guess at the time I just wanted a neck adjustment and wasn't ready to go back in time and work on my life with someone who could read so much from the architecture of my bone structure...perhaps now it is time to walk back to all of that so that I can finally move forward! That is the problem with all the 'bandaids' of these meds...they don't help us heal...they just stop the wounds from festering!

Peace to everyone and G'night!