[CathyH]

I know aggression is a classic symptom of withdrawal, but what if it isn't the withdrawal? What if it is part of my personality? I posted about this on another thread, too.

I have always been one to struggle with anger, as I have many abuse issues. I've worked hard to get past most of this shit, but as some know, it's still always there. Never completely goes away, no matter how much forgiving you've done.

I don't want to be an angry person. I am on day 19, and walk around pissy and snapping at people. Will this stop? I want to be a happy person with a sunny disposition. Not that I expect roses and rainbows everyday, but.......

I don't want to be miserable and make those around me miserable.

[shprintze]

Since I went of cymbalta I have have short bursts of extreme rage - not something that is at all normal for me. This is in addition to the intense bursts of emotion (crying, tearing up over nothing specific) that has been going on with the withdrawal. Some times things will set me off - but ridiculous things like not being able to find the remote - and then going from a 1-10 and (in the first week when I did not know what the heck was going on with me) throwing objects against the wall, even yelling at my dogs. I'm in my third week and the rages still come, less frequently, less intensely and I am not destructive - and I now know what it going on. I do find that I need to take something to calm myself down or else it has the potential for getting more intense. I am having a particularly difficuly time with this withdrawal - maybe because I am flushing out 14 years of antidepressants and mood stabilizers. I think it may help to realize that the anger is part of the withdrawal,

[Attorney_Victim]

Cathy,
My agitation and rage were really bad in the few weeks (maybe a month) before I figured out I was in withdrawal, but when I started on the Prozac, those symptoms lessened quite a bit. I do get pretty agitated and angry every now and then, but not near as bad. My anger flares also seem to occur in the evening when I am probably getting tired anyway.

Obviously, I'm no doctor, but I think you should give yourself more time before you worry about the anger/aggression being permanent. In your case, you are dealnig with the physical symptoms of withdrawal, AND you are dealing with a completely separate emotional crisis with your husband. From reading all the stories on here, it takes some people months just to get over the physical symptoms of withdrawal. Just get through each day as best you can for now. Avoid anything that you realize is a "trigger." Be good to yourself for now and re-evaluate the anger/aggression feelings down the road.

Unfortunately, my worst trigger is the obnoxious barking of my pitiful 12 yr old Golden Retriever when she barks at the 1 yr old GR pup who plays non stop...so she has to spend a lot of the time outside or in the other room so I don't "loose it" with her.

[CathyH]

Hi all......I HATE being aggitated and angry. It feels so rotten. I hope this is not part of me, that it is just the withdrawal and will go away with time.

I posted this on another thread also, but I had a disturbing thing happen tonight. I was feeling very emotional and pent up, and got out my drawing stuff. I just let the pencil go, and started drawing some awful things. Like hearts being ripped apart, knives tearing at hearts, eyes crying, and even wrote a couple hateful poems. I'm realizing how damn HURT I am, due to a number of things. My husbands recent shit, obviously, but also the fact that a lot of my life has been stolen away by these damn drugs, and by my illness itself. Just thinking about the pain this has caused my loved ones tears me up. It all makes me so SAD. Not to feel sorry for myself, but with how the rest of my life has gone, when is it gonna let up? When do I get to have some peace?

I want to say that I, in no way, want to hurt myself or anyone else. It's just so obvious to me now how much pain I am really in. And what am I supposed to do with it? So much stuff has already ruined alot of my life. Not that it's been all bad, it hasn't. There have been a lot of good things, a lot of blessings. But SO MUCH STRUGGLE, AND I'M SICK TO DEATH OF IT. I know I'm no different, that everyone struggles. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

CathyH

[CathyH]

Hi GB.......You have hit on some very important things I need to remember. It's so easy to get "off track" going through all of this. Life is very confusing right now, and just getting through, well, you know.....

I totally believe what you said about if i wasn't feeling some of these things, that would be reason for even more concern. I have been handed a basket of shit, on top of withdrawals. I hope I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but it does feel heavy.

I'm going to choose to try not to worry about the anger, and wait to see if it lifts when the majority of this is past. I just have to try to control it in the meantime. It feels rotten to walk around with that anger just below the surface, seemingly just waiting for an opportunity to lash out. I have another trigger in my life, too. It is my 14 year old son, whom I love with all my heart, but he seems to love to get under my skin, and it drives me batty. I can't get away from him. It's summer, and all he wants to do is sit around the house, fight over the computer, and tease everyone. I can't say anything to him, as I get accused of "flipping out". I don't even have to raise my voice, and I get accused of flipping out. I've had to lock myself in my bedroom just to get away from him. I've tried to encourage him to get out more, to do stuff, but I'm afraid he has burned a lot of bridges and doesn't have many friends to do things with. I hate feeling this way about my own child, but I need a break from him for sure.

I don't feel so disturbed today about last nights drawing. I'm seeing it in a different light. Just the fact that I thought to pick up that pencil and sketch pad is another ground breaker for me (there have been quite a few ground breakers for me this summer, in spite of everything). My illness, ECT, and being over-medicated has stolen alot from me, and maybe this is just one more thing I'm getting back again.

I really like the idea of two journals. One for good, and one for bad. I never thought of that.

GB, thank you for all of your wonderful insight. It helps put things in perspective. Perspective is very fleeting right now. Reality checks are much needed.

One more thing, and I'll stop the ramble. I really don't want to feel sorry for myself over this. I mean, problems happen to everyone, and i am not any different than anyone. Shit happens, you know? We just have to roll on, doing the best we can with what we have. That's how I want to look at things. I don't want to live my life as a victim.

CathyH

[Cymbalta Survivor]

The past two days have been terrible as far as anger and aggression go. I am going to stay away from people this weekend, as it has got really bad. I have been this angry before, but never for no apparent reason. The flashes of rage come out of nowhere and engulf me. I begin tearing up because somewhere in my mind, there is still a calm, good center, but the rest is hot, hot fire that is looking for something to lash out at. I sometimes feel like the last threads of sanity are being pulled apart by a maniacal, evil force. The fire is insatiable. "This will be over soon", says the wholesome center. I hope it is.

[Attorney_Victim]

Cathy, I agree with GB. The mere fact that you can recognize your feelings is important!! And the fact that you channeled those feelings into a creative outlet is a HUGE positive step!! Just a few weeks ago when you were on Cymbalta, you probably didn't have the mental ability to be creative at all (I know I didn't). Just because your creativity seems "dark" right now doesn't matter. At least your getting those feelings out in a healthy way!!

I think anybody going through the stresses you are dealing with would create similiar images. And, I think you have every right to feel sorry for yourself right now. You've been hurt by someone you love at a vulnerable time in your life. You are entitled to all of your feelings, regardless of what they are. As long as you continue to find an outlet for your feelings, I think you will be fine in the long term.

What is sad (and scary) is that some people can't recognize these emotions in themselves (because of the drugs or a mental illness), and therefore, they never find any outlet for the negative feelings. Those are the people who end up harming themselves, or even worse, harming others. Unfortunately, I think we will end up discovering that there are many people in these types of situations because of the side effects and withdrawal caused by Cymbalta.

Keep surviving each day, one day at a time...that is all any of us can do!

[CathyH]

Hi all.......It's day 21!!!!! Three whole weeks. I'm very happy about that. I'm finally having one of those "carrot" good days, as I've heard someone else describe. The past couple of days have been kind of rough, but today seems pretty good.

I'm getting a brand new sketch pad today, and maybe some new pencils, too. I'm still feeling the urge to draw and write, so I'm going to go with it. I really think this is going to be a good outlet, and thank God I'm even able to pick up a pencil now. I couldn't before. I'm not going to worry about what comes out. It is what it is, right? And I don't want to be, refuse to be, one of those people who stuff everything, and then it blows up in their face.

Yeah, the feelings and emotions stuff. Emotions seem to be flying around inside me like confetti thrown into the wind. I suppose that's perfectly normal for now. I guess what I mean about not wanting to feel sorry for myself is that I don't want to live like a victim. Maybe feeling sorry for myself at this early stage is normal, maybe even necessary, but long term, it has to go. Just another game of wait and see.

Thanks so much for the encouragement.

Cymbalta Survivor: Man, I wish I knew what to say to help you with your feelings. That rotten anger sucks, and I also am dealing with bunches of it. It's a very positive thing that your "center" is relatively intact, and hopefully that will eventually prevail. All I can tell you is what I do, and that is hang on. Safe hugs to you.

[CathyH]

Had a huge blow up last night. Am feeling really crappy about it. My ex has found yet another way to avoid paying child support. I got a letter from Friend of the Court, stating his elusiveness once again. I flipped. Totally flipped out. Screaming and cussing (actually didn't throw or destroy anything), and threatening great bodily harm to him. Of course, I would never hurt him, not physically at least.

Afterwards, I felt like a total shit. Not fit to roam the earth. Then came the crying. Feel like I have an emotional hang over this morning.

I talked to my mom, and she pointed out all the stressors I have in my life right now. It helped to put it in perspective a little. Not that there is any excuse to act like that, but it is difficult to deal with all this shit at one time.

The withdrawals (day 24), my husbands infidelity, the financial stress of his losing his job over it (I'm disabled, on SSDI), trying to deal with my youngest son (big trigger for me), trying so hard to act "normal" when I don't feel it, and now this child support thing. No wonder I have a twitch in my left eye.

At day 24, things are so much better than they were, but the MOOD SWINGS are horrible. And the anger and aggression. I'm no longer having many physical symptoms, just a few zaps and fatigue. But the mood swings and anger are killing me, and everyone around me is suffering.

[CathyH]

GB......I just want some peace so badly. I want calmness, and I can't find it. Also, I feel like I'm constantly having to explain myself to those around me, about where I'm at and what I'm going through. I hate it. I don't want to explain anymore. And I don't want to feel guilty about it either, but I do. I hate this so much.

I know I have come a long ways, and thank you for recognizing it. It's a good thing to have that pointed out. I need to hear it. It's just so hard to be easy on myself right now. I think it was easier to be kind to myself when the withdrawals were worse. Now things have changed for some reason. Don't know why. Don't even know how to sort this all out.

CathyH

[Attorney_Victim]

Cathy, I'm so sorry to hear that you received more bad news!! I strongly encourage you to go to a new doctor and try to get on Prozac or something similar to help you through this. My withdrawal symptoms improved within 36 hours of my first Prozac dose. You are trying to cope with withdrawal AND some pretty huge personal issues.

I don't mean to sound like a "drug pusher" regarding the Prozac, but I just hate to hear about someone suffering when there might be an easy fix. Another anti-depressant might help with your withdrawal symptoms and help you gain a better perspective on your other problems.

[CathyH]

I just don't understand why my doc wouldn't give me some prozac. I really think that he doesn't know about it. Not trying to make excuses for him, but I really think he doesn't know.

Yeah, that perspective thing is very fleeting right now. I seem to need a lot of reassurance and validation. I hate that, too. I hate being needy. But, in reality, what is going on in my brain is just not good. I get so caught up in my feelings, they just run me right over, and I don't seem to have any control over them, and therefore, my moods.