[CathyH]

I'm at day 24 with no Cymbalta. The physical symptoms seem to have mostly gone, except fatigue and the occasional zap.

What I'm experiencing is severe mood swings, intense anger, and some depression, low motivation, frustration, weepiness, emotions banging around inside me. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I mean, I'm so glad I've come this far, and the physical stuff is past. I'm grateful for no more major emotional meltdowns (mine lasted about 4 - 5 days, right when week two started). I'm very grateful to be where I am, hopefully coming to the end.

But I don't feel like I can handle all this emotional stuff. It isn't like the emotional meltdown stuff. I know I have a lot of stressors, and I'm trying like mad to deal with all of it. I do have a good day sometimes. I've been sleeping alot. I don't know if what I'm saying is making sense, just trying to get it out. I just need some damn relief. And I'm hoping like hell that this anger stuff either goes away, or at least calms down. I hope it isn't part of me, you know?

My stressors include: Withdrawal, husbands recent infidelity, loss of financial security due to husbands infidelity, dealing with my youngest son, loss of support of my best friend (don't know why), dealing with ex-husbands refusal to pay child support (that came via shit-mail yesterday), and trying to keep it together and put some "normalcy" together through it all.

I just don't feel like I can do it. I could just sit somewhere and cry fucking rivers.

Another question: At this point in the game (24 days out), could this be some of my illness coming back?

Please help me find some answers.........
CathyH

[Attorney_Victim]

Cathy,
There is nothing "normal" about your situation right now, so don't beat yourself up trying to feel "normal"!! You are dealing with physical problems (withdrawal) and other huge emotional/personal issues at the same time. The withdrawal issue alone was bad enough for me, I can't imagine trying to deal with all those other issues as well!!

Go easy on yourself right now. Sounds like you need to literally "escape" your situation for a while. if you can, go stay at a friend's or family member's house for a few days. If you can't leave, maybe you can send your son and husband to someone else's house for a few days. Or, just literally lock yourself away in your room for a couple of days. You have to put yourself first right now and take care of yourself.

The feelings/reactions you have described could still be from the withdrawal, or it could be a combination of withdrawal and your underlying illness. As I posted in another thread, I strongly encourage you to go to a new doctor immediately and explain your situation. Another type of anti-depressant, like Prozac, may be all you need to help you get over this "hump" in your life. There are several other good anti-depressants on the market that do not have these withdrawal effects. Once you have dealth with all of the personal issues, you can always reconsider going off anti-depressants all together.

I hope you find some peace soon!!

[CathyH]

Hi and thanks for your replies........I managed to make it to the beach last night with a friend, and we just sat and talked. I really needed that, to get away and be by the water. I vented, and I yelled and screamed, and no one could really hear because of the wind and the waves. Plus, it was night time, and hardly anyone was down there. It felt really good.

I know I need to give myself some credit for handling these things as best as i can. I could be doing a whole lot worse, right?

About the new doc: I'm not sure if that's what I want to do at this point. At my last appt with him, about three weeks ago, we had a discussion, and I felt like we worked out our differences. I came away from that appt feeling differently about things. I let him know how I felt about how he was being with me (not allowing any prozac for this withdrawal), and he explained that he, as my doctor, had to express to me what he thought, and that is all he did. At first, he did call me fool-hardy for asking for the prozac, and I stopped him right there and told him I wasn't going to take any insults. His attitude changed right away. Also, during the discussion, I didn't hold anything back, told him I had trust issues with him, and that I may be looking for another doc. He was calm and seemed caring about what I felt. So, I just don't know about that. I mean no disrespect for anyones opinions.

I'm trying not to beat myself up. Why was it easier to be kind to myself when the withdrawals were worse, and now what has changed? I don't know.

My gut tells me that some of what I'm experiencing are the symptoms of my illness. That's very depressing to me, but I will handle it. If I have to take some kind of antidepressant, than I just do.

About my son: I actually have two, ages 14 and 17. My 14 year old is the one giving me problems. He is so damned manipulative!!!!! Has an answer and an excuse for everything. It's hard for me to sort through. I'm trying, I'm just afraid I'm not so great at it right now.

Thanks for all the encouragement, I'm sorry if this reply is a dissapointment to anyone. I just feel so limited right now, as to what I can do and what I can muster the energy to do.

CAthyH

[CathyH]

Hi Houdi and everyone.......Have really hit a wall today. Had to have an ER appt with doctor today. Am slipping into depression again, and I can't allow that. I did not, and will not, go back on Cymbalta, but he did up my Lamictal and Seroquel. I'm having a terrible time. Need to get stabilized before I can take any more steps.

The wall happened today, but has been coming. My main goal is to get stabilized and right with my world. I have to get to a point where I'm ABLE to do things to help myself. I'm not there. So, my intention at this point is to get through whatever comes my way, and let things calm down, and then re-assess things.

Thanks for everyone's support. I don't want to be a failure story, and I guess i'm not, because I accomplished my goal: Getting off Cymbalta. My illness has reared its' distructive head, and I know this, because I know this beast well.

One final thought: The destruction and pain that mental illness causes to the afflicted and to those around them is almost unbearable. It is a terrible destructive demon. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this, and so I have to do what I have to do to change that. Sometimes it's confusing as to what to do next. I'm groping around blindly, but hoping that the path I am now on will lead to some peace, clarity, and calmness within me.

Regards,
CathyH

[schmb01]

Cathy, hugs across the miles to you my dear. You do NOT owe anyone here an apology or explanation anything that you are feeling or for whatever steps you must take to get right and feel balanced. Many of us were placed on Cymbalta for things other than depression, or for mild depression, and can go forward without taking meds. That is one group. Many people were placed on that shit for depression, and it only made it worse, yet those people still need help with other meds, because depression is real, and it can't always be managed with healthy eating and supplements. That is another group. What we have in common is Cymbalta and needing to get off of it, and doing that is a success. Never, never think you are a failure, or that you aren't living up to anyone else's expectations. You know yourself better than anyone, and you have to do what is right for you.

In addition to having dealt with depression in the past, life has taken a big old crap on your head, and you are dealing with a lot of things that aren't "normal" right now. Please, do what you need to do to get yourself back in balance.

As for your teen, well, I've always said that my daughters teen years felt to me like being in a dark and lonely tunnel, and at times, I didn't think I would ever see light again. But, they grow, and they mature, and you will see that light. He is just at that age where he needs to test his limits, and part of it at times is manipulation. Remember what it felt like at that age to be so "me" centered. It is hard, but just reassure him that you will always love him and be there for him, even if you don't like what he is doing. It will get better.

I pray that you are able to get centered again, and know you can vent here when you need to.

Babby

[CathyH]

Houdi and Babby.......Thank you so much for your caring and validation. I really appreciate the validation, it seems to be crucial to me right now, as I feel so unbalanced and uncentered and screwed up.

I once heard that raising a teenager is like trying to nail jell-o to a tree. That would be about right.

I am off cymbalta, day 26, and that is a success. The rest is just doing what I feel necessary to get stabilized again, so I can get on with things.

Like I said before, I know this beast, have stared it in the face way too many times in my life, and I know it well. I recognize it for what it is. Yes, there are other things mixed up in it right now, but I cannot risk getting sick again. Spiraling depression, hopelessness, sadness, anger, isolation, crying all the time. Can't let that go on. It only leads to the doors of the psych ward.

After my doc appt yesterday, I am totally convinced that I need to seek out a new doc. No question about it. I won't go into the gory details, as it would go on too long. We are just not on the same page, hell, we are in totally different books. I will take what he says for now, and modify it as I see fit. I know me better than he ever will, and have been sick for a long time. I know what works and what doesn't. Example: He wants to put me back up to 600mg of Seroquel, and when I went down to 300mg about 2 months ago, I saw a huge improvement. He doesn't hear that. So, I will up the dose to 400mg, and see how it goes. If I seem to need a little more, I will do that. If I become overmedicated, I will go back down to the 300mg dosage. Yes, I am being my own physician to a point, but I don't feel I have much of a choice, as this doc just wants to medicate, medicate, medicate.

I have to wait at least a month to look for another doc, as our insurance runs out on the 31st, due to my husband losing his job because of his fuck up. The new job seems to be in jeopardy right now, too, probably because of this incident. If it falls through, we are screwed. At least for the time being.

Just a note of info: I found out yesterday from my doc that Lamictal is the only approved "anti-depressant" for bipolar. It has mood stabilizing properties, and also anti-depressant properties. He upped my dose to 100mg, instead of 50mg. I think that is okay, as Lamictal seems to be a good drug for me. He did admit that all other anti-depressants actually hinder bipolar disorder, and can make symptoms worse.

Sorry this is so lengthy. I seem to have alot to say this morning.

Safe hugs to everyone,
CathyH

[Attorney_Victim]

Cathy,
Don't ever feel like you need to apologize on here...we're all in the same boat, just trying to help each other the best way we know how. Sorry to hear you had another bad experience with your doctor, but at least now you know that you will be better off finding a new dr (eventually).

Take care of yourself!

[CathyH]

((((((((Cyber hugs to AV and Houdi and everyone)))))))))......Thanks so much for the vote of confidence.

I guess I am a warrior!! Putting the whole picture together, I have survived so many things in my life, as so many people have. And I'm not down for the count, or done, yet. I may be taking lumps, again, like everyone else, but I'm doing what is necessary to stay on top and not get sick again.

That is my goal: To get on the other side of this. I want to lead a good life. I want to stand tall and firm, be centered and clear, and be a good mom and wife, a good friend, and LIVE. I want to experience life, and laugh alot, and have some joy. I want to be able to handle things that come along, with hopefully a clear head and focus. When I'm not doing so hot, as I know and realize will happen at times due to my illness, I want to know in my heart and soul that things will be all right and will work out and eventually change, as everything always does. I know I paint a pretty picture, but I believe these things can happen for me.

I'm doing some other things to help myself, too, like getting involved in support groups here in my area. I'm in the beginning stages, but at least I'm starting. It's a group called WRAP--Wellness Recovery Action Plan, and I've heard it's a great program. Self-empowering. It's a program offered throughout the country, if anyone is interested. The website is www.info@copelandcenter.com, and the phone number is 1-866-436-9727. They can hook you up with people in your area involved with this group.

Day 27--No cymbalta. THAT is a success :!: ......CathyH

[JamiNeesie]

I wasn't sure where else to post this on the forum...so here I am. I am on day 12 and I think it's been my worst day yet. I'm not even sure if this will make sense but I will try...
I can't think straight, I'm extremely irritable, I'm twitching/ticking like I have torrette's or something, I am having to really try hard to not yell at everyone who speaks to me, I feel like I want to cry at the drop of a dime, and am having to force myself to keep my cool. I work in a doctor's office as a triage nurse, so of course I have to be on top of my game and be able to make quick decision...this isn't working so much. Also, I don't have my own office. If even one other person in the office is whispering, I can't concentrate on what I'm doing. I have spent most of the day holding my ears plugged with my fingers and trying not to yell and patients. (I am normally the nice nurse who spoils the patients and am nice no matter what) Physically, I feel like I got ran over by a truck. My entire body aches, especially my neck. My vision is blurry and I am all over the place. I feel like I am sketched out on meth or cocaine or something. It seems that instead of getting a bit better, all of these symptoms are getting worse. I tried benadryl yesterday and it seemed to only make me worse at first, the body shocks/twitches were worse at first then I got really sleepy and kept going back and forth with that for awhile. Today all I am taking is an all natural stress relief tincture called Rescue Rememdy. I got it from an herbalist. Supposed to be yoga in a bottle. I think it would make me feel better if I just threw the bottle and hit someone in the head with it. It isn't working much. Is anyone else at this stage, or has gotten past it? As I said, it's day 12 and it's like a guessing game as to what the next day will bring. I keep holding off from calling my doctor thinking it may just get better and I don't want to bother him about all this if I will just feel better next week. Any suggestions on anyone who may be in the 2nd or 3rd week??? Help!!???!? :cry:

[CathyH]

Hi Jami.......I know you are past day 12 now, and hope you are feeling better. Day 12 sucks. It's a really hard place to be in the withdrawal process.

I'm on day 32, and I made it. You can, too. The symptoms are temporary, although it is hard to focus on that when you are in the thick of things. The withdrawals are horrible. Physically and emotionally. I found the emotional part to be the toughest. I had a span of about 5 days where I was totally off the wall and so miserable, I felt like I needed to be in the hospital. This started somewhere in week two. I didn't go to the hospital, though, I just hung on, and hung on this computer alot, asking for help, and it came. The people came through for me here. They will do the same for you if you ask, and let people know that you're suffering.

This post is a few days old, and I hope by now you have gotten some of what you need. You can also start a new thread here, and people are more likely to see it and respond.

Take care, be gentle and kind to yourself, and hang in there......

CathyH