[mokincaid]

I thank all of you for your concern. Especially you Houdi. you are right, it is hard for anyone else to understand what its like. cheer up, things could be worse yeah right. they could always be worse and my experience tells me that they probably will get worse. I honestly dont know what I am going to do. I would be lying if I said that suicide isnt constantly an option on the table. I have planned it in so many different ways that it feels like second nature to me now. I think that part of the problem is that I have always been a very strong physical specimen. 6'3" of solid muscle for most of my life. football, mx racing, skydiving, scuba diving, military commando etc. etc. now at age 52 I am maybe 20% the man I used to be and it is soooo hard. I have lived a life full of travel, adventure, danger and excitement and I just dont know how to take getting old and weak. My dog of many years died a few months ago from cancer. She was a german wirehaired pointer named Ayla (after the character in clan of the cave bear. good book shitty movie). we traveled all over the country bird hunting. we spent six weeks in a cabin on the kutenai river in Montana. She was my very best friend in the world. I mourned and am still mourning her loss. Recently I found out that there was a litter of pups from her full sister from a later litter than hers so I bought one. She looks just like my Ayla. I named her Annie. I couldnt get out of bed to take her outside and house train her. I had to send her back to the breeder. So I think maybe you can see why I feel like my life isnt worth living. My wife is great but she is such a pollyanna. she is always trying to look on the bright side. she doesnt understand that there is no bright side to the bottom of a coal mine with no flashlight. And the quacks that have been treating me for depression have just about driven the final nail in the coffin. So, I really do appreciate your concern but it is probably misplaced. I dont deserve it. hey who knows i come off of all these fucking meds coreg, digoxin, lipitor, flomax, benicar, CYMBALTA OF COURSE, xanax and whatever else im taking that i cant remember right now, maybe i dont live as long but i LIVE. MOK

[mokincaid]

PS I am not being completely irresponsible with the meds. My heart has improved considerably and my doctor told me that I would feel better if I could quit the meds but he was uncomfortable recomending that I do so. He says I have a 50 50 chance of maintaining my gains and if i dont, i have a 50 50 of responding to the meds a second time. the way I see it . that gives me a 75% chance of being ok. i.e. only a one in four chance of dying. I have survived much worse odds. Plus i have an implanted cardiac defribulator (ICD). I will keep all posted on the progress. MOK

[mokincaid]

No we shouldnt throw it in yet my friend. Thanks. MOK

[Attorney_Victim]

Please don't give up!! Here are the numbers for a couple of suicide hotlines I found...please call one of them if things get too bad!!

1-800-Suicide (2433)
1-800-273-Talk (8255)

Or, talk with someone live at an online suicide help site:
http://www.newhopeon...ivate_chat.html