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Resentment Towards Parents


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#1 JellyRoy420

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 12:49 AM

Hi everyone. So I am going on 3 weeks Cymbalta free and while my side effects have been minimal, I have been struggling and have a good amount of resentment towards my parents for making me take SSRIs in the first place. They say I was a difficult child but I always remember feeling like my feeling and opinions didn't matter or weren't valued, especially if they were different from my parents. I will say that I love them very much and know they never wanted to'find me but I feel like they should help me now with the costs associated with healing from over 15 years of SSRI dependence they fostered. I was depressed in my early teens but my anger and lack of drive took effect after I was made to take medication. I also feel like they took an easy way out and relied on doctors to help when they cared about their profit, not their patients well being. Maybe it's hindsight but I don't see how pumping kids and teens full of mind altering drugs is a solutions parents think is acceptable. Since I started on these medications I was barely able to complete high school, I tried and flunked out of college 3 times and made very poor choices in regards to dating and friendship. I was lucky I married the man that I did because he is a good man who is supportive, as much as possible. My parents have always tried to be emotionally supportive but still feel they did nothing wrong by putting me on medication. But that's what makes me mad because how can it be right when it took so much from me, My hobbies, my health (I put on 100+ lbs), my drive and determination, my emotions and my libido. I feel like now that I'm off I'm still a shell of who I was supposed to become and because of these meds I am starting my life a decade behind. My parents have paid for a lot to help me get this far but don't want to help for much longer and that frustrates me to know I'll be on my own dealing with this and after their help stops I won't be able to afford the supplements, gym or homeopathic remedies, all of which are the reason I'm doing well to begin with. They say I need to take responsibily for my life but I'm struggling with it. Tonight was a bad night and we had a huge fight, which always trigger outbursts of rage and hostility. Tonight was no exception.


#2 equuswoman

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    In the future want 2B off Cymbalta! The physicians are no help. Looking for understanding, support & encouragement as I know this is a difficult process. Want 2 be of help 2 others who will find this site looking for same things as I.

Posted 25 July 2014 - 07:15 AM

Welcome to the Cymbalta support forum.
It's your life. You must live it. Forgive your parents. Prayers for you from TheEquusWoman♥

#3 fishinghat

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 08:59 AM

Hey JR. The good news is that within the next couple three weeks you should start to see breif periods of improvement. That will become more common with time. You and your family just has to hold on a little bit longer.


#4 gail

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    5 months on cymbalta, scary side effects, to get help and to return the favor if I can.

Posted 25 July 2014 - 10:26 AM

Hello JR,

 

The other good news is that your physical side effects are being minimal, that is a big plus.

 

They say cymbalta numbs the emotions and they come back full force when stopping it. Could be what is happening here, the immerging of what was allready there, anger.

 

I am sure that Fivenotions will have a good reply to this, as I have read about her issues coming back with discontinuation.

 

Stay with us, you will learn a lot, and by the way welcome to our refuge.


#5 air3333

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 11:24 AM

I too had a coming of age on SNRI's and SSRI's. I do believe they may have helped me cope with anxiety and depression at the beginning when I was in my teens. But after more than a decade on the drugs I believe a lot of the issues I face today are directly related to the drugs and not personality or genetics or some kind of life long disorder they invented. 

 

I don't know who I would be without the drugs. They helped me be more social but I believe more socially awkward. Do I blame my parents, no. I think most parents would react that way when their child is reacting a certain way and there is so much media and marketing towards parents to get the kids on the drugs. Suicide was big in my community and marketing for seeing psychiatrists was very heavy.

 

Unfortunately the worst part is getting the adults off the drugs.

 

Once a kid is on the drugs they may be a customer for life. Think about it. It is the same thing as smoking tobacco. Hooking kids up to be a customer for life. Psychiatrists will deny this but it is the reality that it is very difficult to get off these drugs and takes months or years. The reality is very different from the material that they read and sometimes you have to take your own life into your own hands. I feel it is better that way. I am going to life my life and stop taking advice from physicians - I know that they really have no idea what the drugs do to you. 

 

Since reducing from 90 to 30 I have a reduction in severe side effects:

 

Anxiety

Depression

Sweating

Sleepiness

Fatigue

Confusion

suicidal thoughts

blanking out

 

Life is so much better without it for me. It is weird. 


#6 thismoment

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 12:34 PM

JR

 

There's a lot going on here. First, did you quit cold turkey or wean off? If you weaned off, describe your strategy (thanks).

 

I understand that children and young adults often clash with parents over 'what's right', 'what's the best policy', and 'what's safe'. That's pretty normal. Unless your parents are a couple of sociopaths we have to assume they wanted to help you feel better.

 

You declare that you resent your parents for what happened to you on these drugs over the years. I understand the sense of loss- that's real, and it's sad. But resentment presupposes guilt and guilt presupposes intention. But do you really believe your parents intended to screw you up? Your parents didn't prescribe the medication- they sought to help you, to make you feel better; they cared. Enter the doctors. Doctors treat symptoms with medications that often have no proven history, and this is the case with SSRI and SNRIs. And doctors prescribe these medications before psychotherapy, which is backwards.

 

And I agree with you, it's not acceptable to push these drugs on kids (that mechanism is controlled by pharmaceutical companies and their relationship with media and government) and it imbeds in the culture. Hopefully we will one day see this scheme exposed.

 

You can't get in a time machine and go back and start over; you can only go forward with what you have. Your parents took you to the doctor and that's when it started to unravel. ". . . that's what makes me mad because how can it be right when it took so much from me, My hobbies, my health (I put on 100+ lbs), my drive and determination, my emotions and my libido. I feel like now that I'm off I'm still a shell of who I was supposed to become and because of these meds I am starting my life a decade behind . . ." JR I get it. I know exactly what you are talking about, and I know how it feels!! But this was nobody's plan, it just happened and now you've got to move forward.

 

Parents do what they are compelled to do with the tools they have at the time. Would they behave exactly the same way today? Probably not.

 

What to do? At 3 weeks you should be well into withdrawal, and if it hits hard you might consider weaning back onto Cymbalta until you are stable and then wean off very slowly- that will level your emotions. We can help with that plan. How about a compromise on the financial aspect with your parents? Drop the supplements, the gym, and the homeopathic remedies and in return get a therapist (if you don't have one), and talk to a nutritionist to help you create a personalized, simple, and sane balanced diet. Then create your own physical exercise, like walking, hiking, cycling, swimming. During early discontinuation I walked miles.

 

JR, you foster support through compromise. Your parents aren't perfect, but they're not guilty either; punishing them further will only delay your own recovery. You can get through this, and the first step is to acknowledge that the past doesn't exist.

 

Life isn't linear, it's a multidimensional architecture and you can jump in anywhere; it's a cosmic game of Double Dutch that has an infinite number of entry points- when you're ready you jump in. There's no lost time because Time starts when you start. You can do this my dear but you will have to trade your resentment for compassion, your judgement for acceptance and forgiveness; find your heart and you will find your feet.

 

Take care.


#7 FiveNotions

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 01:39 PM

JR, what ThisMoment says is true wisdom ... read it, and re-read it, and then read it yet again ... that's what I've been doing for the past 15 minutes ...

I'm saying this because I identify deeply with what you wrote in your first post ... I don't have the issue with parents ... I do have the anger issue ... at docs/shrinks/pharma cos, etc...
 
Even though I'm almost 8 months off Cymbalta, my emotions still get all out of whack ... the past few days the anger has been trying to overwhelm me ...

What TM has written to you, also speaks directly to me ...

"I understand the sense of loss- that's real, and it's sad. But resentment presupposes guilt and guilt presupposes intention."
 
"You can do this my dear but you will have to trade your resentment for compassion, your conviction for forgiveness; find your heart and you will find your feet."
 
Early on in this process, on several occasions, I beat a pillow into abject submission ... and then I curled up in a fetal position and cried my heart out ... and then I realized I needed to embark on a process of forgiveness ... of each and every person who I felt had hurt me in any way ...

 

Reading what you've written, and what TM just said, I realize that somewhere in the past month or so I completely forgot about my forgiveness project, and got back on the path of anger ... and I'm letting it hold me back from living ... from doing things I want/need to do (in my case, find a job ... perhaps for you it's returning to your hobbies, or taking a walk with your husband... )

 

So, you're not alone in what you're feeling, JR ... what do ya' say ... how 'bout we both pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start fresh from now ... from right where we are ... practicing forgiveness ...now ... and just being alive ... now ...

 

(Of course, you might first want/need to beat up a pillow and then, assume the fetal position and have a good cry ;)


#8 fishinghat

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 03:13 PM

True wisdom TM.  Words to live by for sure.


#9 JellyRoy420

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 05:44 PM

Thank you everyone very much for your words, they've helped more then anything. I will defiantly keep reading all of these posts and try to work through it. I have been so frustrated, angry and resentful and I'm exhausted. I sometimes feel like this life is linear and I get so depressed because I am not where I want to be in my life, with my goals. My husband is going to go to school but wants to go into Pharmacology (ironic I know) but his degree could take up to a decade to finish. I am already 30 and I dont know how we could start a family while struggling to support ourselves and pay for school. I have this dire fear that we won't make it or that I'll never have a family. And even if I do, I don't want to be 40 when it happens. There are so much emotions right now and its a struggle to stay positive, but I will keep trying. TM- thank you especially for your insightful words, I think I'm going to stop having them help me financially and do what you suggested on my own. I have a good diet in place already so once I'm done with my workout classes, I'll start doing workouts at home. Then I can see about possibly seeing a therapist a couple times a month to start. Oh and to answer your question about my weaning process- I counted out beads from generic 60 mg pills and took 3 out per day. It took me over 4 months to wean off completely, some days when symptoms were especially bad I stayed at the current dose for a few days then stated counting out again. I started seeing a new doctor after moving away from my previous doctor of 10 years, but for talking to me for 20 minutes the new Dr rediagnosed me from bi polar to ADHD and cut my dosage from 60 to 30. I told her I wasn't comfortable because of potential withdrawals but she dismissed my concerns and told me that there are no withdrawals... a psychiatrist said that! And she was rather annoyed that I had to order through a mail order pharmacy in Canada to reduce cost. She told me to call her when I got that order in but I never did. I took my 60 mgs and started counting out and then when I was at about half out I started counting out of the 30 mg pills. I haven't heard at all from my new doctor, and I don't care too. I am resolved to stay off of these medications and deal with my life and feelings myself. Someday soon I want to have babies and can't have it in my body poisoning them too. So as hard as it is to do each day I have to agree with

FiveNotions, I will join you in trying to stay positive and keep my self up instead of letting my negative thoughts bring me down. I know this road ahead of my husband and myself is going to be a struggle but I have to keep trying. Time to try to move forward and forgive because you're all right, my parents never intended to hurt me. But right now I think I need distance from them and some time to get my head healthy. Its just too easy to say harsh things right now and I don't want to do anymore damage to our relationships.


#10 FiveNotions

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 06:02 PM

JellyRoy, you do, indeed, have some important concerns ... all major ones in terms of where you are in your life ... and I understand even more clearly why/how you can feel so overwhelmed ... and yet, in the midst of all this, you are obviously developing a plan ... finding your way forward ... that's awesome and inspiring to me!
 
Perhaps it would help to tell your parents how much you love them and appreciate them ... as a "lead in" to what you're thinking of doing ... declining financial help... and taking a "time out" from them ...
 
I don't know if it would be of use/help to you, but way back when my mom was alive and I was about your age, my wonderful therapist at the time (only one I've ever had) recommended this book to me ... "The Dance of Anger" ... by Harriet Lerner .... http://www.amazon.co...s/dp/006074104X .... Amazon.com has the "look inside" feature for this, so you can read a bit without forking over the shekels ...

Hang in there! I'm rooting for you!

#11 thismoment

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Posted 25 July 2014 - 10:58 PM

JR

I agree with FN- you're working on a plan and finding your way forward.

After reading your last post it's clear that you've just emerged into a wall of emotion at 3 weeks out. You did a nice tapering off over 4 months (good work!) so you still have a few months to watch the B movies in the Discontinuation Film Festival. It's not surprising the pdoc came up with ADHD and Bi-Polar- it could have been Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue or a few others that wave in and out in phantom fashion during discontinuation. It all hurts, but there's no source that can be readily found- that's when the physician reaches for a SSRI. Don't worry, it all slowly improves without the SSRI.

You will likely encounter the cleansing Wall of Tears soon; don't be frightened by the depth to which you may descend- don't resist it, just take the ride to the bottom. There's a peaceful exit in that melancholy exhaustion.

You say you may stop having your parents help you financially. There's no need to do that simply for the desire to struggle; that makes no sense. If your parents are well-off, and helping you is not jeopardizing their own future- it's not a problem. This is not a descent into the macabre, but the "Will" always appeared to me to be a "Will Not". Financial aid needs to go to the children when they need it, not when it's too late to follow dreams. And they need it when they need it, there is no other criteria like age, time, or death. Learning the value of a dollar certainly is a worthwhile endeavour, but there are other values on that list including compassion, kindness, volunteering, respect, honour, the value of an education, trust, and charity and many others that come well before the value of a dollar.

If one thinks in terms of being financially stable before having a baby- there would simply be no babies. People have babies when they are living on student loans, and when mom and dad alternate between who's caring for Baby and who's at the part-time-job and who's studying. This is where a good relationship with the grandparents helps a lot- without, of course, abusing their good nature. And JR if being "out of debt" is and all-consuming must-have, forget it; it's like wearing shoes on the beach- you'll miss it all. Plan, yes plan. But debt is a fact of life and like everything else it needs to be managed.

A family's dream is abstract and surprisingly fickle: suddenly he doesn't want what she wants, or he wants some other she. Keep your dreams separate like two nightingale chicks in a nest, and let each dream fly its own flightpath. Sure, do it together, but let each spirit fly alone. It's like going on a wilderness canoe trip with your partner, but in solo canoes- much more fun!! Safeguarding each other's dreams will encourage your child to depart the nest confidently, knowing Home is always there, always safe, always secure. Otherwise the chick will hesitantly sit on a nearby branch and bicker, fearing to glide to the next tree.

Take care.

#12 JellyRoy420

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Posted 26 July 2014 - 05:24 PM

All of your advice has been so helpful during this emotional and stressful week. I am still taking a time out from my parents and haven't talked to them since our fight. I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger to lead them to take me to the doctors and I realize that its the same problem then that I have been trying to express to this day, the feeling of not being accepted and valued for my own beliefs and values. Ive always had the most anger and frustration with my dad and I have a feeling this will be something that isn't going to change. I need to accept that and make my best effort to support and provide for myself fully. Not for the sake of being broke but for the boundaries I need to build to allow me to let go of my anger at him and his judgment over my life and the way I want to live it. He's always felt that his financial support means I have to do what he wants and that has always infuriated me, even as a child. I was planning on attending on taking a veterinary assistant program this fall and I'm still torn about letting him pay for it. I doubt I would be able to afford it on my own but I also want to be able to achieve it soul on my own and put an end to the obligations his help comes with... its a cycle I feel needs to be broken so that I can move forward and start to feel better about myself and my life.

FiveNotioms- I downloaded the book that you suggest and I started reading it yesterday. It makes some very good points and I'm hoping it will help me as much as it did for you. thanks for the recommendation and support!!!


#13 thismoment

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Posted 26 July 2014 - 07:29 PM

JR

Wonderfully healthy tone!

You bear no guilt or responsibility for things you did as a child, or out of innocence. There are always consequences, however, and whenever there is lack of intent, consequences always feels unfair.

Your father won't change, so it's up to you to change the dynamic of the relationship. I totally understand your need to be free. To get along with your father you will have to accept him as he is- but NOT follow his wishes- just accept that this is the way it is. I mean acceptance in a Mindfulness way. Any support that comes with expectations is not support- it's like love with a price.

You'll have to advise him that while you appreciate support, it cannot come with a price- that's the cycle you wish to break and you can do it and maintain a relationship with your father, and especially your mother. Don't lose it- be calm, be cool; be the dignified adult you are.





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