yes, i had a great moment last evening (in "listing the positive events") i keep trying to hold on to that but i am having a rough time.
i know, this is long. i don't blame you if it's too boring.
thursday was 15 weeks. i've hit a real down cycle.
I stopped the C for good may 15. it was rough for the first two months, all the physical stuff, gastro, lost 20 lbs , neuropathic pain, aching joints and muscles, paresthesia, but worst of all anxiety. not just fear but shear terror. things started getting better at around three months, although there had been a few good days here and there throughout. at about 6 weeks i started going back to my therapist for the first time in two years. it helped a ton. i'd also take a kava kava capsule every now and again, not more than once a week. it works very well. getting better by baby steps. at the13th week i was having a major break through. anxiety went down to near nothing, physically felt well, good spirits. my husband really noticed the change.
throughout i've used benadryl, 25-50 mgs, off and on to help me sleep - originally insomnia was due to anxiety. once the anxiety wasn't a problem, insomnia remained. benadryl evolved into a near nightly ritual. about a week ago i noticed that i was building up a tolerance. i decided to go without. that didn't go well. no sleep. i got up frustrated after laying awake for hours and downed a couple.
i checked into l tryptophan. after doing a lot of research i picked some up and took one 500 mg capsule tuesday night. within 20-30 min it kicked in. real mellow, i wasn't able to go to sleep right away, but was very comfortable for an hour before dozing off. slept all night the next day i felt great! wednesday night i took one 500 mg capsule. within 20-30 min i felt hyper, my heart rate went up and boom! anxiety! it was terrible. i was up for several hours and finally took a kava kava just to calm down. i laid awake for hours, but at least i wasn't freaking out. i got maybe 4 hours sleep. yesterday was not a very good day - irritability and anger some anxiety on and off, practicing my belly breathing, mindfulness, other cognitive "tricks". last night i was too scared to take the trypto. i took a kava kava, but that isn't a sleep aid, just subtly calming. i laid there awake. i finally grabbed the hard stuff, took 1/2 of one of my husband's ambien. of course it worked great. thought the decent sleep would help, but nope.
today i've been upset, frustrated, angry, irritable, anxious and just down right depressed! i haven't felt much of the black hole during this whole journey off the C. today my husband said i am reminding him of what i was like before i ever took meds… 18 years ago! that really shook me up. so is this it? is the grand experiment over? i mean, depression is what started this whole adventure in 1996. do i cry "uncle" to eli lilly?