48 replies to this topic

[ItsNotRight]

MFC You've managed to give me so many emotions at once reading through this.. You sound like my S.O (significant other, lol) and you sound like me.. I've laughed and teared up reading you. Believe it or not you are not in that nightmare alone.. We all seem to use these same words. Nightmare! & HELL! 

 

My S.O is the one in withdrawal right now. 3 weeks Saturday. I came here right before he decided to go off cold turkey. Thank God I did. Even though I've been through this with a different anti-depressant myself, it is a whole other story watching the one you love go through it... I knew I was going to need help staying strong. This is definitely the place to be.!! You need understanding.. My S.O needs it.. I have rode the roller coaster since day one. . If it wasn't for the folks here I don't think I could have kept going back for another round of "what will today bring?".. Your husband should probably read up on all this so he knows what to expect and how to best get you through it. We have played an awful lot of "leave me alone, no you leave me alone games." lol.. Does he want my help? Does he want me to leave? What the hell does he want? He doesn't even know. I'll tell ya what you want now. You need a lot of space but never enough that you're alone.. =) You're going to need to express a lot of feelings that you don't have a clue where they came from.. You NEED sleep. We haven't figured that one out yet. Number one you need to never allow yourself to lose your confidence.  

 

He has done and still is doing exactly the things you wrote about. Wandering the store wondering what he came for, crying in the car in a parking lot, forgetting simple things, time disappearing on him.. Wanting to go off on perfect strangers.. He threw up for days.. Was so horrible. Just sad to watch.. Brain zaps, eye zaps/noise, shaking.. on and on.. When he was on cymbalta he started becoming angry. Even violent.. Especially if he forgot a pill. Mood swings that broke my record.. When he went off he got angry. I could not rationalize with him ever.. I mean ever.. We are living a nightmare.. Both of us are in a constant state of disbelief that a pill could destroy lives this way. I'm determined it wont destroy us.. Damn I'm determined.. I have eggshell wounds on my feet. (winks) I have to be very careful with my words.. Bottom line is we all love each other. You, your husband and your kids. Me and my S.O. Through this we are all getting hurt. This is not your fault. Its not my fault. We know who's it is though. (That little pill in that awfully purty bottle) I watched an Army man man turn into a sobby anxiety ridden mess.. A not depressed happy goofy guy never smile again. A protector turn into an abuser. This pill is evil. Not you. You have to keep fighting and its going to be hard. But fight that evil for your kids and your family unit.  We are living the same life right now. (Life?)

 

3 weeks Saturday cold turkey. He doesn't throw up nearly as much. He goes days now. Some nausea still though. He is not angry at me anymore. He's not taking it out on me. He is still angry though. Very angry at cymbalta & doctors. Just doesn't come out as yelling or physical. He actually talks about it. He is still very sensitive and remorseful. We hug a lot. (even though hugs hurt because we're both in physical pain.) He is managing to almost make it a full day at work. He's made maybe 2 full ones in the 3 weeks. But he is staying longer.. He is starting to eat a little more but not nearly enough.. He has to force himself to eat. He couldn't even do that before.. (what an improvement right?)  I notice change in him. Small and hopeful changes. I wish I had even more brighter improvements to share. Sadly this is a huge test of patients. Imagine the impatient reassuring the impatient to be patient.. That's us. 

 

When I went through this myself I had 3 young daughters. I didn't know at the time what was happening to me. You have that knowledge. Please don't do what I did and beat yourself up. When you have a bad day chalk it off as a bad day and not that you are a bad mother. 

 

((tons of hugs to you)) 

[Miseryfromcymbalta]

Seeing cubs lose hurts almost as much as cymbalta withdrawal.

[Miseryfromcymbalta]

Dear It's not right...you sound amazing. To give so much support to so leone ELSE who is going through this. My husband is not "compassionate" by nature. He is a pilot ... With a pilots personality. Everything and I mean everything has a check list and a place. I could use his pen on his desk. Write a quick phone message, put the pen BACK on his desk ....he will come home from a ten day flight pass briefly by his desk and say, "who used my pen." No REALLY that happened. So needless to say this kind of non-tangible undefinable thing is very frustrating to him. He is angry I'm sure because he has never approved of my tsing meds....despite the condescending speech EVERY psychiatrist gives me and tells me to explain to him as if it might matter to him....you know the speech..."depression is an illness. No different than cancer. You wouldn't disapprove of me taking medication for that would you? I need this drug to function and feel happy". If lame speeches like that would work on my husband I would be driving a new car, wearing huge diamonds and tossing cash out the windows for fun. Duh.
Anyway, he is doing his best. I can tell he hates seeing me suffer like this and he is afraid to leave me alone with or without the kids. This puts an extra pressure on his already stressful job of flying an airplane and keeping a hundred people alive. So needless to say I am trying to "protect" him from seeing how bad his really is. If I hadn't had my daughter in the car today improbably would have just sat there for an hour until I thought I could drive so he wouldn't find out that this was happening. Poor guy, is is just NOT in his repertoire. He has loved me through so much crap that he didn't sign on for. I am now completely out of all the marriage Kharma points I had built up from the year his mother came to live with us from Greece and I didn't kill her.....year one of Cymbalta actually. Haha. Coincidence I'm sure. Thanks for taking time to respond and offer support it means so much right now because although I am not alone I feel so lonely because I don't have people I can trust to tell and the ones I can trust - don't deserve or can't be burdened with knowing how bad this actually is. I am going to take a .5 mg of Xanax tonight and see if I can sleep. Please God let the nightmare for tonight not be so bad. I hope soon I can pull my self up enough to have anything to offer someone else like all of you have given me...right now I'm still feeling so hopeless. But then again I felt hopeless when I turned thirty with no boyfriend or kids and I stumbled across my husband six months later. Look how great that worked out for me....maybe not his best day... But good for me. Haha. I just told him that all this cymbalta misery was earning him a really big "gimme" on his next f'up. You know...as in "gimme a other chance." Problem is...he rarely messes up. I am the Lucy of this Lucy and Ricky couple.

[brzghoff]

Brzghff did I make you mad? Or offend you with my swearing? If so sorry.

 

 

make me mad? heavens no! just sharing with you that i am on lamictal because you asked if anyone else took lamictal. i suggested you ask your new psych when you see him if thats a good option for you. i take it as a mood stabilizer and have since the same time i went on cymbalta in 2004. i quit cymbalta in may of this year. while withdrawal from the C has been tough, i think in many ways the lamictal has helped me during the process - i never got brain zaps. the worst of the physical symptoms lasted no more than 4 weeks, at most. the anxiety is what lasts. it comes and goes in  cyclic pattern. just when i think i'm about to go over the edge, it subsides and i feel lamost normal for a few days, then it kicks in again and i wonder if i should have ever quit. then it goes away. right now its gone... but i get a little agitated at nightm but there is no anxious feeling, just real figidty. we're all different. i am starting to wonder if some of my issues may actually be side effects of lamictal that i didn't feel when i took cymblata along with it. like the restlessness. i defeintely can't tolerate alcohol since quitting the C, when on it i drank a lot! 

 

your language does not offend me. i swear like a sailor, just not on line. 

 

i'm not able to be on line here for any great length of time so sometime my responses are going to be very short and to the point. husband and i are at our 2nd home for the next month and have to share a computer between us - we also have a lot to do around here - as a result, limited time to devote to the forum

[fishinghat]

Seeing cubs lose hurts almost as much as cymbalta withdrawal.

 

Uh oh!! Here goes the site downhill!   I am a Cardinals fan. Will the site survive?  lol

[TryinginFL]

FH

 

Oh, my - unfortunately (for us die-hard life Cubbie fans), you have had much to cheer for!!  With all the new and talented additions, we may actually have a team in a year or 2!

 

I sure would like to see something in my lifetime!

[fishinghat]

You guys sure have had a lot of bad luck as well. You have a fine bunch of young players coming up. 2 or 3 years from now should be different.

[TryinginFL]

I'm out of "likes" again, FH, but I hope that will be the case !

 

[Miseryfromcymbalta]

Uh oh!! Here goes the site downhill!   I am a Cardinals fan. Will the site survive?  lol

I went to college at SIU in Carbondale so we would go over to see Card's games all the time. If you live in the are and go to live games you may be familiar with one of my friends...he is the guy who does all the crowd events and ore-game warm up stuff.

Anyway, my brother and I would go to games and sit between cubs and cards fans and listen to the trash talk .....we got in on BOTH sides. Haha

[TryinginFL]

MFC

 

So you were a "split fan"

 

Yikes, we're creating a sports page here!

[Miseryfromcymbalta]

Brzghoff, I think the cymbalta was making me feel over sensitive and paranoid. That is not something I would have read so much into prior to all this. But for some reason I have just assumed that right now I annoy everyone as much as I annoy myself so maybe you didn't feel like writing a long response- but you felt OBLIGATED to comment on the lamictal since you knew about it. Anyway, thanks for responding and explaining....you shouldn't have had to...I think I'm just feeling a little....a lot babyish right now.

"Everyone is out to get me because they think I'm paranoid!" That sums up my thoughts lately. I had to walk my girls into school this morning because of course we were late. I took the Xanax to sleep last night but I feel soooo tired and groggy this morning. I did my best to avoid seeing or speaking to anyone but of course I couldn't. I think I said "good morning" fairly clearly. One woman did ask if I was ok because I looked "out of it". I blamed it on the new dog keeping me up at night. But all the rest feels like I sounded like Charlie Brown's parents. Remember the "wha, wha, wha" sound they would make when adults spoke on those cartoons. That is how I feel that I sounded and it is for sure what everyone sounds like to me right now.

As for lamictal...I can't remember why I got off it. I have been on it for a few years and it does a great job at keeping me level and even keeled. It also helps with impulse control. It did however give me acne. I know it sounds weird but there is a thing for that. There are a few people put there who experienced it. Then I went back on it because I missed it so much and I didn't care how I looked. But then I went back off it...I think it was part of a plan I had to get "med free" and start over from scratch to see who I really was. A plan that seems kind of dumb now. Honestly though, my mind is so cloudy right now that I can't remember exactly why I wanted off of it. I recall going off it once a few years ago with a previous dr. And coming back to him and saying, "if I ever tell you to take me off of lamictal again, don't listen to me". But then ....my insurance changed and I had to change docs. So the new one hadn't heard my warning...,I think the fact that the new dr. made me feel so pushed to take drugs (he is the evil genius who gave me cymbalta) that I wanted off of it just to spite him. Now that I'm off and I'm otherwise occupied with cymbalta hell I think I'll wait it out and start fresh with a new doctor and a new "happiness cocktail" as I use to refer to my lamictal, cymbalta adderall trifecta.

[Miseryfromcymbalta]

Is that a joke that I have "reached my quota for positive" thoughts for the day? Did I really just see that pop up on the screen or am I losing it even more today. This f'ing ear ringing is eating my brain alive. I feel like if a pin dropped on the carpet in my bedroom I would hear it echo. But really did I read it right. You can't react too positively to too many people's posts? I dot get it.

In general I don't feel positive toward very many things anyway but how funny to be accused of it by my own ipad. Hahaha

PS I ducking HATE auto correct! I may have to take a break from typing on here jus to calm myself down. Hellooooo! Stupid ipad! RINGING IS a word! Stop changing it and making me go back to re type it later! ....unless you want to find yourself face down in my driveway under the back tire of my car! This is directed at my ipad of course...not any of you. I'm not homocidal.....yet. Oh give me an f'ing break. This thing has something to say about everything I type but it can't auto correct the word homocidal? I can't remember how to spell homocidal? Give me a freaking break! Now you choose not to auto correct!

[thismoment]

Hi MFC

You are perfectly lucid and justifiably indignant-- the programmer seems to have imposed a judgement regarding what number of "Likes" is appropriate. Surely it's not a data volume issue, so it must fall under the bus of "too much of a good thing" or "having too much fun", "being too generous, or too kind", or "having too much ammunition in a fire fight". It's a kind of trivial cyber-protestant-ethic.

I'm with you-- crack open that barrel of "Likes" and give everybody a straw!!

[Miseryfromcymbalta]

I suppose if we just toss our "likes" out there all willy nilly they will lose their meaning. This is what I tell my husband about sex anyway so I suppose it could apply to "likes" as well. I don't like to be a hypocrite. Sometimes cheery, happy people who "like" everything piss me off so ......I won't toss stones or likes from my glass house over here.

[Miseryfromcymbalta]

Hey thanks TM for using one of your precious likes on me! Save the rest for later...I'm on a roll today!

[ItsNotRight]

Now how am I suppose to be serious when you are so good at making jokes? lol You hang on to that, It'll help get you through this. My S.O had the best sense of humor. That was the thing I loved most about him from the very beginning. Cymbalta sorta stole that from us. For now anyway. I certainly don't blame him for not wasting valuable energy on smile muscles right now. God I miss his smile.. Sighs.. 

 

Your husband sound a tiny bit like me. lol. I'd notice that pen moved too.. Just a tad wee tiny bit OcD.. 

 

I wouldn't worry too much about those Karma points.. That's what marriage is all about. The good with the bad.. I figure if we make it through this, our bond is only going to be that much stronger.. We went through hell together.. How many can say that? lol...  

 

Sorry this will be short tonight.. I'm not in the best of health myself right now. Take the best care of yourself.. If you have weak moments you come here for support. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to either. This forum has been my support.. (and his but he just doesn't know it) lol.. 

 

Lots of hugs 

[Miseryfromcymbalta]

INR, so if my husband doesn't divorce me over this cymbalta rage then we can make it through anything? I guess that's true but really? Is the new standard for a good marriage? Haha. I do I worry that rather than the bond being stronger the bond will be just stretched farther. Things can't be stretched indefinitely. I would t even want that for him. I try to think of it as a mother. If I had a son and he grew up and married someone who would put him through this I would be so devastated for him! If my daughters date a man when they get older one of the first things I am going to ask the guy when I meet him is, "does depression run in your family? Mental illness?" If the answer is no -go have a good time. If it's yes then sorry she is grounded. Haha. Truly I want so much better than this for my daughters. I don't want them to be the victim or he spouse of someone who goes through this kind of crap. It's not what my husband signed on for. If you guys knew him you would know what a testament it is to his character that he is putting up with it at all much less actually trying to show compassion for me. It is just NOT in his nature. This is a man who once told me that the reason he doesn't spend more time with our daughters is because "they don't have anything in common." Duh!! I laughed so hard at that one. But I mean it really bothered him that they didn't want to sit and watch soccer on TV with him. He is just not an adaptable kind of guy. So what he is doing now having to help me through this and listening to phone calls from our little girls crying because they see scared of me or getting insane angry texts from me where I tell him I hate HIS dog and I'm taking it to a shelter so he has or call and beg me not to. You just half to know that our lives were NEVER like this. I have always been the supportive one who tried to keep him from hearing or worrying about what was going on at home while he was flying because I didn't want him to be distracted. His job has a lot of stress with a lot of people at his work always stabbing each other in the back and trying to get his job. He doesn't need a viscous lunatic interrupting him -LITERALLY while he is in the cockpit with texts about hating a dog. I feel awful. I don't know how I will ever make it up to him. I would say with great sex but cymbalta has killed that for me too. Blah blah....this too shall pass....but what will be left behind when it does?

[ShadyLady]

Hey, Miseryfromcymbalta (I ain't typin' MFC after what you thought that meant,teehee!). Thinking about you and wondering how you are doing?

I know it's tough and hope you are hanging in there!

[Distraught]

Oh wow, INR, your post could be mine, word-for-word. I can't tell you how many times I've used the phrase "walking on eggshells" because one word will bring a fight or silence for a week. But through it all, the intense love is a common thread and what makes us miserable all the same. And MFC, how are you? Your husband actually did sign up for this, as did INR and I. It's what we do when we commit to one another - I know that's super corny, but true. We are all realists and know that life brings ups and downs. This particular Crackbalta down is actually all over the freaking place and as unpredictable as hell, but it's all part of what we signed up for. I only hope my husband is through the worst of his withdrawals by the time my now peri menopausal self turns into full blown hormonal lunar psychosis (which could happen any day now) for obvious reasons.

I really need sleep, but this is only my second night on here and I'm feeling so much better than this time last night. It's sucky to know so many people are dealing with this crisis, and it is a crisis. If it were a tsunami (not to minimize the devastation of a tsunami in the least), the Red Cross would be out in force and Brad and Angie would be tweeting about it. It's at this point that my husband usually says, "that's not helping," so I guess I'll go to bed.