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23 Month Update. Warning: Don't Open If You're Having A Tough Time.


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#1 albergo11

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 11:35 PM

Hello,

 

Part 1, Intro.

I would like to start by sincerly thanking websites such as cymbaltawithdrawal.com for essentially helping me to understand my plight more accurately.  I have found the success story sections to be particularly helpful, and have turned to these wonderful stories to help raise my spirits in times of utter hopelesssness.  I once posted some topics here in the beginning of all this, but switched to a different forum.  

 

After lurking around on these websites, often too incapacitated to do much in the way of meaninful writing, I decided that it might be helpful to someone out there if I shared a little bit about myself.  This is going to be a long post, and I understand that some folks going through the ringer will not be able to read this post in its entirety due to eye issues, or just information processing issues.  I've been there, I couldn't read for probably a year in total.  Nevertheless, I hope that you can eventually read this and garner some useful information, or at least some knowledge that you are not alone out there going through this unjust, cruel, and totally unecessary hell that we've been subjected and in my opinion, decived into undertaking.

 

I've decided to post this in multiple seperate messages to make the whole thing more digestable.

 

 

2 Background.

To give a brief background, in January of 2013 I was prescribed 50mg of pristiq, had a bad reaction to it, then switched to effexor 75mg for ~2 months, and then after requesting a medication that doesn't give me sexual dysfunction, prescribed 30mg of cymbalta.  All said, I spent about 6 months on medication and I must say that it definitely relieved my moderate depression and my above average anxiety.  Simultaneously, I was taking ~10-15 mg of adderall nearly daily for over 7 years to relieve "ADHD".

 

Unfortunately, after going on cymbalta, I had a severe manic and borderline psycotic reaction to all of this stimulating medication, and proceeded to spend a tremendous amount of money over a short period of time because I became convinced that the economy was going to crash and that I needed to prepare NOW.  At the time, I had a sneaking suspicion that something was wrong, but I always trusted my brain's intuition, and my ideas just seemed "right".  So I basically bought 400 pounds of non-perishable food, and nearly 4 grand worth of prep supplies and equipment.  Seeing that I was employed as a graduate student, earning my PhD, my funding was very small, so this basically bankrupted me and I had to borrow money from my family just to stay out of debt.  I also opted for a very invasive, and not entirely necessary shoulder survery to correct a torn labrum that had been annoying me for years.  I went ahead and had the proceedur finished, and was excited at the prospect of having a fully functional shoulder again.  As it turns out, my intentions were pure, but life had other plans for me (if you'll read on and bear with me).

 

At the end of my 6 month stint on this medication, I started to have severe memory issues.  I would be trying to explain something to someone, and all of a sudden I would hit a "road block" and couldn't figure out the correct word to say.  Obviously, as a PhD student, this would not do, so I told my doctor I wanted off of this stuff and I wanted my old brain back.  Well, I tapered from 30mg to 10mg somewhat quickly (as I have now learned), over about 1 month and from there, based on my doctors advice, I "bit the bullet" as he said, and went from 10mg to 0mg.

 

What proceeded to happen was that I went through very similar symptoms over a 1 week period as people often describe for benzodiazapine withdrawal.  Indeed, I had been prescribed clonopin for 5 years, and withdrew from thsi medication back in 2012, and for 3 whole months I was basically bedridden and completely incapactated before being able to function in the world again.  At that time, I swore I would NEVER EVER take a benzo again for the rest of my life.  Unfortuantely, I was unaware of the fact that SSRI/SNRI's could produce similar symptoms.  I was even moreso unaware of the fact that SSRI's could produce symtpoms that were even worse and even more debilitating.

 

To make a long and disappointing story short, I went on an epic vacation just 30 days after I quit taking the medication.  I had planned this trip very meticulously during my medication induced mania, and spent a tremendous amount of money on this trip - it was essentially meant to be the trip of a lifetime.  Instead, it became one of the more awful experiences of my life.  Try navigating 5 countries and managing an expliciting budget just 30 days after coming off SNRIs and having awful symptoms.  It was just really hellish, but by the halway point I was hoping that my symptoms would abate within 60 days and I would be able to resume normal functioning at the unviersity.  I was hoping to put all of this behind me.

 

Upon returning, I discovered to my horror that I was not much improved after 2 months.  My symptoms included, but are not limited to:  severe memory loss, burning sensations, problems with my eyes (blurry vision, floaters, etc), difficulty concentrating, difficulty thinking, hot flashes, vertigo, and depersonalization/derealization, fatigue, etc.  You guys and gals know the deal, it was GRIM, GRIM, GRIM.  Looking back however, I actually had it pretty good.


3.  From bad to worse

This is where the story goes from bad to worse.  As a PhD student, I had worked exremely hard to make a good career for myself once I graduated.  One way of doing this way to teach a college level class.  So upon returning from my trip, I was meant to teach a laboratory class in an advanced course in Biological Sciences in the summer for 1 month.  I was so severely depersonalized/derealized, and with all the other symptoms I listed above, that I could barely remember any of my students names, and I certainly couldn't remember any of the subject matter that I was supposed to be an expert in and deticated the last 6 years of my life to memorizing.  Ouch.  Nevertheless, I pressed on because the course had to be taught.  So I did, and the student's didn't seem to mind, although I was acutely aware of the fact that I had lost a tremendous amount of intelectual ability and could no longer "speak off the cuff" and go on intelectual tangents.

 

I recall one student asking me about a relatively simple mathematical formula, and my inability to easily answer this question that drove me to the point of calling my ex-psyciatrist back and demanding a meeting.  In this meeting, he indicated that a quick fix for my problems would be a prescription of prozac which has a long half-life, and reinstating this medciation for about a month or two, and then going off of it again.  I thought "well, this better work" and went ahead and tried.  As I had mentioned earlier, I had shoulder surgery, and as a consequence I needed to take some pain meds to help me through the immensly painful physical therapy sessions.  So I was prescribed tramadol, which is an SNRI (UH OH!).  One day I will never forget, I took this tramadol, about 1 week after being on prozac, and I had an adverse reaction to this combination that has haunted me for about 1.5 years now.  My entire body went numb, particularly my sensory neurons, and I felt like an strange tickling and itching sensation over all of my skin.  

 

I never took tramadol again, but as I continued to take prozac over the next couple of weeks, I began to have an odd sensation over all of my skin:  it felt as if I had wet paper bags over my entire body, and my face was becoming anesthetized.  I returned to the doctor, and told him about this a couple of times and he basically told me "how could that possibly happen, you're probably just anxious".  At the 1 month mark, things were not improving, and all of the original cymbalta withdrawal symptoms were still there.  Instead of taking me off the medication, like any reasonable human being would have done, this doctor UPPED my dose to 20mg (from 10mg) after I told him about these adverse effects.  After just 2-3 days of this, I started having insomia, and I said "**** it" and tapered off quickly in a 4 day period.  It was around September 1st, 2013 when I had my last SSRI/SNRI.

 

I should note here that I was miraculously able to finish teaching the course in anatomy and physiology with decent reviews - the prozac did help in the sense that it produced a mild mania again, which allowed me to sort of interact with the students better.  What also helped me was the fact that it was around this time that I got together with my then girlfriend who saw me through the worst of the issues, so I was not completely alone thorugh this hell.  It was really this wonderfully patient and kind woman who, amongst others, I attribute to saving my degree and possibly my life.

 

 

 

4.  Recovery begins

Afer coming to the realization that reinstatement was not an option for my body, I had to deal with the fact that my reinstatment attempt was not only a failure, but it made my symptoms like 40% worse.  Now I also had tingling and numbness in all of my limbs, profound sinous headaches, and trigeminal nerve problems, and more serious eye problems than before.  I was seeing a psyciatrist through all of this, because I was still taking adderall and had developed quite a habit for this pill (later on, I did successfully quit), which was the only way I was going to write my dissertation and complete my degree.  This doctor told me that many of these symptoms may disappear after 3 months, so I waited patiently and tried my best to be physcially active and write my dissertation.

 

Unfortunatley, releif came VERY slowly, and it wasn't until the 6 month point that I began to feel substantially better (Feburary-March 2014).  At this point, with the help of my wonderful girlfriend, and a moderate dose of adderall, I began to be able to write my dissertation, and in the next ~2 months I wrote a massive chunk of this work.  The symptoms sort of started to melt away, and I began to be able to read and function again - although I was still severely damaged and had not recovered.  In anticipation of the fact that this might take a very long time, I scheduled my PhD defense for Summer of 2014, so that I could be at my very best.  I also began applying for jobs, and succeeded in securing an interview.

 

One unfortunate event that I should mention is that I reinjured my shoulder, so that now it was worse than it was before I got surgery in the first place.  I attribute my reinjury of the shoulder to the SSRI withdrawals, and the adderall - the level of fatigue and the lack of awareness of my body due to sensory nerve damage (or what ever the heck it is - I'm still not entirely sure I understand what precise physiological mechanism is responsible for all of the symptoms I experienced) caused me to just not work on my shoulder exercises like I should have, and to play with it the wrong ways while in bed one morning.

 

Overall, however by the 10-11 month mark I was doing quite well.  I even posted a comment on here a while back that illustrates my success:

 

http://www.cymbaltaw...go11#entry39207


5.  Hypersensitivity

This is a very important part of my story because it explains my great downfall and what happened next most precisely.  Basically, as I've read on this website, and others (particularly paxilprogress.com, which was my very favorite and brings me great disappointment to see it taken offline), many people experience an inexplicable hypersensitivity to various substances when going through an adverse reaction or an ssri withdrawal.  I too had this experience, most profoundly after my issues with prozac and tramadol.  For example, I would drink 1 beer and be totally incapacitated and brain dead for 3 days, and if I got drunk, I would be seriously messed up for no less than 14 days.  This was also true for niccotine, or any central nervous sytem agent - and it severely limited what I could do and how I could enjoy my life.  Thankfully, I was still able to escape my horrible existance by watching movies and playing videogames.  Indeed, videogames very effectively passed time for me in the early stages of withdrawal.


Anyways, I also noticed this in regards to other medication - I took one, ONE .5 mg clonopin pill to help releive the "rebound anxiety", if you can really call it that, during my recovery process in the spring of 2014, and it completely incapacitated me for like 2 weeks.  I then took a valarin root to try to see if that might help calm my nerves, and another 2 weeks of my life were gone.  It's very scary to realize that small doses of commonly taken medication can completely incapacitate oneself, and I seriously had no answer for any of this other than to very cautiously avoid any and all substances if it could be helped.


I should have taken this as a warning for things to come, but unfortunately I did not.  One night, with my girlfirend, I had ingested a m******** brownie in an attempt to have a good time and to escape from my unimaginable horror of losing my intellectual ability, my career, and everythign that was important to me (especially losing my emotions, the anhedonia was SEVERE and pathlogoically bad - instead of feeling emotions, I would just feel a vague burning sensation in the frontal part of my brain).  This pot brownie was suprisingly effective and I had a good night with her and her friends.  The only reason I mention this is because that pot browning made me believe that I could handle a small dose of m******** without any ill effect - maybe I could find a way to medicinally deal with the agony of my condition.





6.  True hell:

Boy was I wrong.  One night I shall never forget, my friend and college invited me to a party where people were smoking some pot  in a casual way.  I was just coming down from a daily dose of adderall, so I was a bit anxious and thought I would now have an opportunity to relax and enjoy myself with these folks and have a nice weekend.  I smoked the pot, and what happened next was that I went from euphoria stright to utter terror.  It's still very difficult for me to write this, and I'm having some emotional issues with articulating what happened, but I basically had a terror (panic) attack for like 12 straight hours, and proceeded not to sleep for the next 2 months.  Yes, you read that correctly, I did not sleep for 2 months.  The hell of SNRI withdrawals and an adverse reaction PALED in comparison to what I experienced when I smoked pot.


ALL of the original symtpoms came back in full force, simultaneously.  After 11 months of patience and waiting for all this hell to pass me by, and to try to get back some sort of life that had meaning, I flushed that all down the toilet because I miscalculated the amount of m******** that I was inhaling.  It was paradoxical, awful, and an utter nightmare.  I went from being partially recovered to fully incapacitated again, and this time I had the awful experience of constant panic attacks that could be set off from any little thing, and PROFOUND bodily anesthesia, in addition to profound derealization and depersonalization.  I had esentially lost all progress I had made over the previous 11 months, and became WORSE than I was before any of this started.


As I am still recovering from this experience, I can say with some confidence that what happened was that I overdosed on weed.  The weed in California is NOT the weed I remember back in NY - it's VERY strong and one can overdose on just a couple of hits.  I personally took 4 hits I think.  I know this is not a forum for drugs, but I must be explicit in my story and explian this because I do not EVER want ANYONE to go through what I went through.  Please, if you're on the fence about doing drugs to help edicinally allieviate your SSRI withdrawal symptoms, do not do it.  Please, I beg of you, with all of my heart, please do not risk it.


7.  Partial Recovery

I'm not going to go into all the fallout from my terrible mistake of overdosing on that pot, perhaps I will once it's all over.  I should just say that I just BARELY clung onto reality well enough to finish.  Just barely.  I look back and can't really comprehend what happened.  I thank God every day that I lived alone, and that I was in contact with a very understanding Aunt who had gone through similarly difficult situations.  She basically saved both my career and probably my life in the 6 months or so that I endured absolutel hell as a result of smoking that stuff.  At this time, I also started attending 12 step meetings of AA, and these kind and amazing people helped me out so very much.  I will forever be grateful to these wondeful people for their kindness during this time - these meetings esentially kept me out of the psych ward and off of medication.


I want to point out and focus on the positive:  I successfully completed my Phd in Biological sciences from a prestigous institution, and defended my PhD in front of the entire department and no one suspected a thing.  I also stayed with some friends after I lost the lease in my appartment due to graduation, and then found an appartment in the state of California nearby my old university that I was able to hang out in until I was well enough to make the drive across the country back to my father's house in Pensilvania.  I survived, barely.  Just barely.


*In the very unlikely, by theoretically possible chance that someone else in this wide world is experiencing something similar to that which I have just described (that is, smoking weed after going through SNRI withdrawal adverse reaction hell), I would like to describe my timeline of recovery.  First 3 months, absolute hell - but by the end of the 3rd month, I was able to be somewhat peaceful and calm from time to time.  At the end of 6 months I was still having panic attacks from time to time,  but I was getting pretty good sleep 75% of the time time and I was able to enjoy myself sometimes.  At the end of 9 months is when the panic attacks stopped, and I just had bad migranes most of the time.  This is when I began to be able to read and write fairly well, and enjoy life even more from time to time.  I'm currently at 11 months, and still feeling pretty bad, but I'm much much better and get good sleep nearly every single night.


*If someone else is also trying to quit a stimulant while going through SSRI withdrawal hell like I did, I can outline my timeline for recovery if it might help you.  By the 3 month mark, I had all of my phiscal stamia back, and just lacked motivation.  By the 6-7 month mark, I have begun to recover intellectual motivation, but I'm still beset by migraine headaches most of the time.  I tapered from 10mg to 2.5mg and then off completely over a 6-7 week period.

8.  Closing statements

 

Now, I'm currently on the mend.  I quit taking adderall immediately after completing my degree, and have been off that toxic and dangerous drug for about 7 months to date.  I am also 20 months free from SSRIS, and certainly will never go back that route again for the rest of my life.  I'm not employed, and really am not employable at all.  I will probably have to find a job at some point, but I'll most likely not be able to go back into academia until my brain fully recovers.  I don't know when that will be.  For now, I'm grateful to A) be alive, and cool.png be able to enjoy some things again.  I'm grateful for the fact that I have my health coming back, that I'm able to write somewhat articulately again, and that most of my symptoms are slowly improving.  I thought I had done irreparable damage and that I had triggered some sort of psycotic underlying disorder that would never go away when I smoked that weed, and that I was screwed for life.  It took about 9 months for the worst of that to pass, but amazingly it did get better.  If I can recover from this, many of you on this website can recover from your cymbalta withdrawal symptoms.  It's just going to take time.

 

I apologize for this massive essay - I know first hand how difficult it is to focus on things like this when you're going through withdrawal, but I just felt inspired this evening enough to write this post.  I hope that this helped someone in some way, and please let me know if you have any questions.  There is A LOT that I've left out from my story, especially in regards to the hell I experienced after smoking the m********.  I learned a tremendous amount about life that I really never wanted to learn, and I've learned a great deal about recovering from ssris, what works, and what doesn't.

 

There's a lot that I don't really know yet, and I could use some advice from the community on a few things:

 

1) how the heck does one make money and support themselves through this?  I'm not entirely sure how to proceed from here.

 

2)  I've attempted to figure out if there's another medical condition that I'm experiencing that is unrelated to ssri withdrawals - got an MRI (totally normal, from what the doctors at the ER said).  One doctor said it's possibly a neuropathy, or a metabolic disorder - but nothing concrete.  I'm scheduled to go see another doctor in an attempt to get an actual diagnosis so that I could possibly apply for disability, but I'm not too sure what to do.  I'm not so sure if going back to western medicine is a great idea, but I did get a lot of releif from knowing that there's nothing highly abnormal with my MRI, so I figure it might be good to rule out common disorders that can cause the symtpoms I'm still experiencing.

 

If there's one thing I've learned from all of this it's that the worst thing I can do to help myself is to introduce new chemicals in my body in order to fix the problem.  I've read countless recovery stories on this website and on paxilprogress, and I've been able to determine that if what I'm going through is SSRI withdrawal/adverse reaction, the only real cure for all of this is:  time.  From what I've read, it takes between 6 months and 5 years for people to recover completely.

 

That's a long time, and I'm not sure how to survive for that long.  I've just barely made it through 2 years.  Just BARELY.  I've thought about taking my life so many countless numbers of times over the past 2 years, but never did it - I don't think I will either.  I just think about it, because the pain is so severe and unending.  Although things have improved a LOT, and I mean A LOT from last may when I smoked that pot, I'm still FAR from recovered.  I have hope that I'll recover in the future, but I think this process will take a long time.  

 

It's difficult to imagine that all of this hell was because I was put on Cymbalta, and then attempted to get off.  If I had known how much utter hell I would go through because of getting off of cymbalta back in the very beginning, it would have made things a lot more complicated, but to be honest it would also have permitted me to plan accordingly.  I sort of wish I hadn't been in denial about the whole thing, and that I had accepted the fact that my life was ruined, as was my career, and that I needed to plan for the worst.

 

I should be extremely grateful, and I really am extremely grateful that I managed to avoid some of the more life threatening complications associated with cymbalta and all the other stuff:  such as renal failure, liver damage, GI tract problems, severe joint pain, fibromyaga, heart problems, lung problems, severe allergic reactions etc.  Most of my problems (I think) are related to sensory nerve damage and to intellectual, emotional nerve damage.

 

I'm still livid at my doctor for all of this, and regret not getting on the cymablta withdrawal lawsuit - I had a call from one of the lawyers back in 2013, but I was just too incapacitated to answer the phone or do much of anything.

 

One final disclaimer, because I feel like it should be here:  Please note that none of this is medical advice and shouldn't be taken as medical advice.  I'm not an MD.  I'm just another sufferer giving you my story and hope that you can live a well and meaningful life and garner some useful information from all of this crazyness that I've been through.  Please take everything I say with a grain of salt, I'm NOT an expert on this subject.

 

If anything, I could use some advice, because my life is far from great right now.   I've only become able to write in any fashion in the past 2 months, before that I was a jumbled mess.  Even still, I don't think I write very well and tend to just spill words all over the page (at least that's how my brain interprets it).  I need to figure out how to pick up the peices and move on with my life and try to forge a new existence.   It's currently very scary for me to venture outside, the world is still a difficult place for me to navigate.  It's ALWAYS been difficult for me to leave the house and compete, but now it's like 20X more difficult.

 

I can and obviously have left the house (I drove across the entire country, 5000 mile trip), sometimes with ease, but it's quite difficult.  Because of this, getting a job in any place that has too much stimulation seems like a near impossibility.  I also have a difficult time negotiating anything, even things that are good for me.  Because of this suggestability, I find it difficult to make good choices and generally opt towards staying home, playing it safe, eating very healthily, helping my dad around the house, and just hanging out with the dog. Obviously going back on medication is just NOT an option, and therpy seems to be ineffective (I've tried).  The only thing that seems to be somewhat effective is a good diet, withdrawal from the world, and physical exercise.  Low stress is key, and I actively avoid any and all high stress situations because it's literally bad for my recovery.

 

Thank you for reading.
 


#2 lady2882Nancy

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Posted 17 April 2015 - 12:32 AM

All I can say is welcome and WOW

I will need to read this a few more times before I can think of a more appropriate response, just know that you are not the only one with rather dangerous reactions to SS/SNRI's both taking and withdrawing from.

More later.


#3 albergo11

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Posted 17 April 2015 - 12:47 AM

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#4 albergo11

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Posted 17 April 2015 - 12:49 AM

.


#5 albergo11

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Posted 17 April 2015 - 12:51 AM

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#6 thismoment

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Posted 17 April 2015 - 10:00 AM

albergo11

 

Thank you so much for your excellent and thoughtful post. Your experience illustrates to me that the world of psychiatric medications is a unique and identifiable sub-culture of which I am a member; we're on the inside-- is there an outside? I wonder.

 

I am off all meds 31 months now and I have arrived at a place from where I can function successfully; it's not perfect and I feel different, but it's okay and I can work with it. I still have residual symptoms from Cymbalta withdrawal and a few of them may be permanent, but at 31 months I still detect ongoing subtle improvements. Therefore I remain hopeful; I am able to sense, however, that I am still on the inside of this world.

 

You said the spectre of taking your life was a constant thought-thread, and I understand that: I don't view the suicide thoughts as negative, but rather as a potential that is in my hands, a thought that is normal from time to time. Up to this point I've been able to put the future suffering of loved ones ahead of my own desire to stop my immediate pain; therefore, I don't see taking my own life as part of my immediate future. I hold no negative thoughts on the act itself, and I have no supernatural beliefs that might relate to taking one's own life-- like many other routes, it's just another optional path.

 

I agree that low stress is crucial to continued improvement. And I too have mostly withdrawn from the world-- do you think that's common within this sub-group? It puts a whole new meaning on withdrawal!

 

I wish you all the best in this, our brave new world!


#7 lady2882Nancy

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Posted 17 April 2015 - 04:13 PM

I agree with you this moment that Low stress is indeed crucial to healing. I have withdrawn from the world as much as possible and find that the occasions where I must venture out into the world can result in set backs to my healing.

 

Unfortunately for me, in order to function even at home I am on mood stabilizing meds. Sometimes I wonder if they are slowing the healing of my brain now that I am relatively stable.

 

It has been 25 months since I finished with Cymbalta and 20 months since I had any SS/SNRI's and it has been tough going all around.

I truly did not know what depression was until taking Cymbalta as it caused the worst depression and suicidal thoughts while taking it and  now it is a constant battle. Too often I want to quit fighting to stay alive, it would be much less painful and more peaceful to just slip away but the suffering of others is the reason I am still here. That and the thought that someday I may get better (heal?).

 

Today I struggle to do simple tasks that I used to do without thought. Things that others used to compliment my talent and ability to do are often completely beyond my capabilities. Frustrating, maddening, limiting in ways that drive me to the edge of rage but at least now I do have control over the rage and it doesn't take over. An improvement for sure.

 

I am grateful that I have a psychiatrist who seems to understand the effects these meds can have on a person and all changes of meds are done in very small doses, one med at a time and for each change adequate time is allowed to see what effects they have on me.

 

The road seems long before me and I hope I can keep just putting one foot in front of the other.


#8 fishinghat

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Posted 17 April 2015 - 07:34 PM

Albergo it is so good to hear from you again. I read every word of your story and found it fascinating, sad, hopeful and yet I can clearly believe everything. Like those before me have said. The statement about avoiding stress is paramount. I must be nice to themselves. With all my best wishes and prayers for a continuing recovery. God Bless


#9 albergo11

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Posted 18 April 2015 - 05:35 PM

Thank you everyone for you well thought out and meaningful responses. 


#10 equuswoman

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Posted 19 April 2015 - 06:47 PM

Hello,

 

Part 1, Intro.

I would like to start by sincerly thanking websites such as cymbaltawithdrawal.com for essentially helping me to understand my plight more accurately.  I have found the success story sections to be particularly helpful, and have turned to these wonderful stories to help raise my spirits in times of utter hopelesssness.  I once posted some topics here in the beginning of all this, but switched to a different forum.  

 

After lurking around on these websites, often too incapacitated to do much in the way of meaninful writing, I decided that it might be helpful to someone out there if I shared a little bit about myself.  This is going to be a long post, and I understand that some folks going through the ringer will not be able to read this post in its entirety due to eye issues, or just information processing issues.  I've been there, I couldn't read for probably a year in total.  Nevertheless, I hope that you can eventually read this and garner some useful information, or at least some knowledge that you are not alone out there going through this unjust, cruel, and totally unecessary hell that we've been subjected and in my opinion, decived into undertaking. 

 

I've decided to post this in multiple seperate messages to make the whole thing more digestable.

 

 

2 Background. 

To give a brief background, in January of 2013 I was prescribed 50mg of pristiq, had a bad reaction to it, then switched to effexor 75mg for ~2 months, and then after requesting a medication that doesn't give me sexual dysfunction, prescribed 30mg of cymbalta.  All said, I spent about 6 months on medication and I must say that it definitely relieved my moderate depression and my above average anxiety.  Simultaneously, I was taking ~10-15 mg of adderall nearly daily for over 7 years to relieve "ADHD". 

 

Unfortunately, after going on cymbalta, I had a severe manic and borderline psycotic reaction to all of this stimulating medication, and proceeded to spend a tremendous amount of money over a short period of time because I became convinced that the economy was going to crash and that I needed to prepare NOW.  At the time, I had a sneaking suspicion that something was wrong, but I always trusted my brain's intuition, and my ideas just seemed "right".  So I basically bought 400 pounds of non-perishable food, and nearly 4 grand worth of prep supplies and equipment.  Seeing that I was employed as a graduate student, earning my PhD, my funding was very small, so this basically bankrupted me and I had to borrow money from my family just to stay out of debt.  I also opted for a very invasive, and not entirely necessary shoulder survery to correct a torn labrum that had been annoying me for years.  I went ahead and had the proceedur finished, and was excited at the prospect of having a fully functional shoulder again.  As it turns out, my intentions were pure, but life had other plans for me (if you'll read on and bear with me).

 

At the end of my 6 month stint on this medication, I started to have severe memory issues.  I would be trying to explain something to someone, and all of a sudden I would hit a "road block" and couldn't figure out the correct word to say.  Obviously, as a PhD student, this would not do, so I told my doctor I wanted off of this stuff and I wanted my old brain back.  Well, I tapered from 30mg to 10mg somewhat quickly (as I have now learned), over about 1 month and from there, based on my doctors advice, I "bit the bullet" as he said, and went from 10mg to 0mg.

 

What proceeded to happen was that I went through very similar symptoms over a 1 week period as people often describe for benzodiazapine withdrawal.  Indeed, I had been prescribed clonopin for 5 years, and withdrew from thsi medication back in 2012, and for 3 whole months I was basically bedridden and completely incapactated before being able to function in the world again.  At that time, I swore I would NEVER EVER take a benzo again for the rest of my life.  Unfortuantely, I was unaware of the fact that SSRI/SNRI's could produce similar symptoms.  I was even moreso unaware of the fact that SSRI's could produce symtpoms that were even worse and even more debilitating.

 

To make a long and disappointing story short, I went on an epic vacation just 30 days after I quit taking the medication.  I had planned this trip very meticulously during my medication induced mania, and spent a tremendous amount of money on this trip - it was essentially meant to be the trip of a lifetime.  Instead, it became one of the more awful experiences of my life.  Try navigating 5 countries and managing an expliciting budget just 30 days after coming off SNRIs and having awful symptoms.  It was just really hellish, but by the halway point I was hoping that my symptoms would abate within 60 days and I would be able to resume normal functioning at the unviersity.  I was hoping to put all of this behind me.

 

Upon returning, I discovered to my horror that I was not much improved after 2 months.  My symptoms included, but are not limited to:  severe memory loss, burning sensations, problems with my eyes (blurry vision, floaters, etc), difficulty concentrating, difficulty thinking, hot flashes, vertigo, and depersonalization/derealization, fatigue, etc.  You guys and gals know the deal, it was GRIM, GRIM, GRIM.  Looking back however, I actually had it pretty good.

Hi

Nice to meet you. Yes grim,grim to say the least. Mine was a journey through hell and back. Thanks to the ppl here on this forum I did make it back. Was on the poison for 18 months for pain of my lower back due to osteoarthritis. However it was here that I learned to "bead count" and with encouragement from the ones who had been there and done that was able to regain a large part of my life. Been off the crap drug for 13 months and wondering if some of the stuff I've started to experience is not possibly related to this Cymbalta??

I have withdrawn from MS under physician supervision and it was NOTHING like coming off this s#it for which most times there is NO physician supervision!

Glad you're here,

TheEquusWoman :hug:


#11 albergo11

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Posted 19 April 2015 - 10:44 PM

Cymbalta isn't the only medication out there that can cause these sort of symptoms upon cessation.  Most of the stronger antidepressants and benzos can be equally life shattering.  The whole situation with adverse reactions to SSRIs and SNRIs, mood stabilizers, antipsycotics, etc is a fairly massive public health situation, especially now that there are a tremendous number of people who are being prescribed this medication who have no mental health problems whatsoever.  Even if people aren't reporting horrendous withdrawal symptoms, I'd be willing to be $1000 that there are some subactue effects that last for a very long time in most people but aren't noticable enough to affect daily life, and therefore go undetected and eventually resolve themselves.     

 

The part that really gets me is that there's not much anyone can do other than to wait it out, and in the meantime there's very little acknowlegement by society that these sorts of experiences are even possible.  In the US, I look at the public's trust of doctors and medication like a religion, and it would take a life shattering event, or just a very intelligent and open minded person in order to acknowledge the fact that these people have no clue how to treat mental health problems. 

 

Another thing that gets me is the fact that most of the people prescribed psycotrophic medications are already among the most volnerable demographics in the united states and other countries.  Now not only do they have to deal with the original underlying condition, but a whole litany of new side effects and health problems.  Because of the stigma of mental health in this country, no one really wants to carefully examine the situation, and determine whether or not the treatment may have exacerbated an already existing problem. 

 

Ultimately, I feel like a certain amount of responsibility lies in my own desire for a quick fix for something that obviously cannot be fixed in a quick way: depression and anxiety and some pain.  These things are just part of life, and there's never going to be a mircale pill that is invented that will make them go away without producing side effects.  People lived for tens of thousands of years without ever taking an antidepressant pill, and I thought that I'd be able to cheat them through the "miracles" of modern medicine. 

 

Obviously I'm much less at fault than the psyciatrists and the pharmaceutical companies that actively decieve the public into thinking they're being given a treatment that is not very harmful, but I can't put ALL the blame on them.  Deep down I KNEW that I was trying to cheat my own biology and just didn't think I'd ever have an adverse reaction or a bad side effect.  


#12 TryinginFL

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 09:16 AM

albergo,

 

I so agree with you and your eloquent dissertation - if only I had known!

 

I am so sorry for all the horrendous things you have been through and can only imagine how your entire life has been altered. 

 

You will remain in my thoughts as I hope for improvement for you - you apparently are quite young and what a miserable outcome from these so-called "miracle drugs".

 

I joined this forum in Feb. of 2014 and had not met you until now.  I'm so happy that you have told your story - it is so helpful to others, myself included. 

 

Wishing you all the best and much improvement as time goes on,

 

Liz


#13 albergo11

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Posted 22 April 2015 - 07:52 PM

I agree with you this moment that Low stress is indeed crucial to healing. I have withdrawn from the world as much as possible and find that the occasions where I must venture out into the world can result in set backs to my healing.

 

Unfortunately for me, in order to function even at home I am on mood stabilizing meds. Sometimes I wonder if they are slowing the healing of my brain now that I am relatively stable.

 

It has been 25 months since I finished with Cymbalta and 20 months since I had any SS/SNRI's and it has been tough going all around.

I truly did not know what depression was until taking Cymbalta as it caused the worst depression and suicidal thoughts while taking it and  now it is a constant battle. Too often I want to quit fighting to stay alive, it would be much less painful and more peaceful to just slip away but the suffering of others is the reason I am still here. That and the thought that someday I may get better (heal?).

 

Today I struggle to do simple tasks that I used to do without thought. Things that others used to compliment my talent and ability to do are often completely beyond my capabilities. Frustrating, maddening, limiting in ways that drive me to the edge of rage but at least now I do have control over the rage and it doesn't take over. An improvement for sure.

 

I am grateful that I have a psychiatrist who seems to understand the effects these meds can have on a person and all changes of meds are done in very small doses, one med at a time and for each change adequate time is allowed to see what effects they have on me.

 

The road seems long before me and I hope I can keep just putting one foot in front of the other.

 

That's the reason that I don't just end it all either, because of the family members around me.  In regards to the mood stabilizers slowing down recovery, I'm not sure about slowing it down as much as it might be causing symptoms of its own. 

 

I was on a mood stabilizer for a long time and found that it made me very depressed and lonely, and limited my intellectual capacity to solve problems.  I was on lamictal from 2008-2012 and when I eventually did taper off over a month or so, I didn't experience any withdrawal effects.  If you feel like it's inhibiting your brain from acheiving its highest level of functioning under the circumstances of cymbalta withdrawal/damage, you may want to just taper down your meds until you reach an "anger threshold" that is tolerable.  You may very well find that your emotions are under control now that your brain has healed more from cymbalta.  The doctor's don't really understand how any of these drugs work, so it might be difficult to convince your doctor of this strategy, but that's what I would do if I were in your situation (knowing what I do about medication and having been on and off a number of medications from various classes).  This is just my opinion, obviously you'd want to pass anything by your doctor before doing anything.

 

I always found it fairly difficult to convince a doctor to do what I wanted to do with medication.  I found it best to realize that none of them have any clue what medication does to the human brain, and sort of talk to them like victims of a religious cult rather than experts on the human mind (because they really have no clue when it comes to medication).  Doctors are useful for helping a patient with doses for tapering, and getting prescriptions for this purpose, but when it comes to understanding the long term effects and understanding odd side effects, they are not too helpful.

 

IMO, doctors don't really understand the long term effects mood stabilizers have on the brain, but I'd be willing to be 1000 dollars its not good (e.g., I've read that they affect your hypothalamus-pituatary axis, and therefore affect hormone levels in your body, and may have impacts on your memory and cognitive function, leading to early onset dimensia and all sorts of other wonderful things).

 

Good luck and I'm confident that you'll be just fine in the long run now that you are working with an understanding doctor.


#14 lady2882Nancy

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Posted 22 April 2015 - 10:50 PM

Actually albergo Cymbalta cause depression and mixed episodes in me as I did not know I had mild bipolar. There is nothing mild about my bipolar now. BUT my pdoc is very conscientious about the meds she has given me and she never starts more than one med at a time and always starts at a low dose No loading doses in her practise

AND I have already asked her if I would be on these drugs forever and her answer is no. I do need to be stable for a few years and then she plans to slowly taper me down to see if we can minimize the amount I take or even go off them entirely.

Considering the state I was in for my first appointment with her I was thrilled to hear that I won't be drugged forever but I also know that it takes time as it has taken 2 years to get me relatively stable.

I also have PTSD which an incident caused to reemerge big time and she immediately got me a psychologist who was perfect for me.

I have been lucky with my pdoc and psychologist but I know there are other equally good ones out there.

The only thing I wish was that I had been lucky with my regular doctor as he was the jackbutt that started the horrendous journey for me and wouldn't listen when I first was trying to tell him how weird I felt on the devil drug.


#15 albergo11

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Posted 23 April 2015 - 12:28 AM

Actually albergo Cymbalta cause depression and mixed episodes in me as I did not know I had mild bipolar. There is nothing mild about my bipolar now. BUT my pdoc is very conscientious about the meds she has given me and she never starts more than one med at a time and always starts at a low dose No loading doses in her practise

AND I have already asked her if I would be on these drugs forever and her answer is no. I do need to be stable for a few years and then she plans to slowly taper me down to see if we can minimize the amount I take or even go off them entirely.

Considering the state I was in for my first appointment with her I was thrilled to hear that I won't be drugged forever but I also know that it takes time as it has taken 2 years to get me relatively stable.

I also have PTSD which an incident caused to reemerge big time and she immediately got me a psychologist who was perfect for me.

I have been lucky with my pdoc and psychologist but I know there are other equally good ones out there.

The only thing I wish was that I had been lucky with my regular doctor as he was the jackbutt that started the horrendous journey for me and wouldn't listen when I first was trying to tell him how weird I felt on the devil drug.

 

It sounds like you have your situation more or less stabilized from your post.  Glad to hear that your pdoc isn't interested in keeping you on the pills indefinitely, I'm sure when you get off of the mood stabilizers you will find that your moods aren't as out of whack as they were when duloxetine was thrown into the mix, as time will have healed your brain sufficiently for it to return to its baseline state. 





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