This weekend was really bad. All I seemed to have was set back after set back.
We argued more over the weekend. Well, I guess you could call it that. He talked, I talked, some voices were raised and I cried. I just don't know what happened. Neither of us used to be the people we are now. He isn't as bad of a person as it may seem like I'm making him out to be. I know people change, but goodness gracious.
He even admitted Saturday night that he knew what I was going through was hard. He even agreed there would be set backs. He thinks that I'm giving up without barely being into the withdrawal syndrome. I tried telling him it's been 5 or 6 months since I quit this sinful drug. I'm not sure if he realized it or if in the grand scheme of things it really hasn't been that long.
I know you guys here are not in the habit of judging, but I do think that some have gotten the wrong impression of him. He has been a recovering alcoholic since before we met, so I know he knows what it's like to suffer. Even thought I know that the way each person handles recovery is different and that there are some things that I feel that he can't possibly understand; that doesn't mean that I have the right to discount his sobriety that he lost a whole circle of friends over. During all this Sinbalta and depression hell I have lost my father who is now in Heaven and we were not on good terms when he passed. It was of his own doings that we were estranged but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I have also become estranged for my brother and my mother. So, he and his family are all I have. We both have been though so much hell it's unreal.
We each have our own personal horror stories that we have lived and now we are living one together. It's been a anti depressant horror story for going on 6 years and a Sinbalta nightmare for almost 1 1/2 years now. I know I'm stronger than this and he knows I'm stronger that this.
Have bad things happened? Yes
Have things been said and done that can't be taken back? Yes
Do we both still love each other? Yes
Sometimes I thinks it's all just a nightmare and that I'm going to wake up and everything will be okay. We will have our semi-quazi happy existence and live happily. Then reality hits and my alarm goes off and I realize it's not a dream. It's real and I have to be strong, put on my big girl panties and not sweat the small stuff. Use my faith and family as my foundations to kick this drugs butt and get on with my life.
I hope I haven't upset any of you.
Sincerely,
Raven
PS
This doesn't mean I'm leaving the forum. Just wanted to clear some things up.
