I´m on 20 beads currently. Have been reducing very slowly, almost a year now from 30mg.
I was fighting the withdrawal effects consuming a lot of coffee and cigarettes. Three cups a day and a pack. I know serotonin, adrenaline and dopamine are stimulated this way, so I was “cheating” to put it somehow.
Four weeks ago I stopped smoking and reduced coffee to one cup. I thought this would be impossible while on this withdrawal process… I guess anxiety does get better with time.
I feel very different now without smoking, the withdrawal form cigarette was a horrible experience (as I knew it was going be) for the first week.
Now, 4 weeks later I just feel numb. Don’t want to do anything that demands a little mind effort. Just writing this is so confusing and hard. I feel I can’t articulate what I intend. Can’t focus, can’t concentrate. Feel very unproductive, feel guilty because of this, time passes and I don’t want to do nothing.
During times smoking and having a lot of coffee I had productive mornings but most of the times followed by long naps and afternoons with a lot of anxiety. I was worse really.
I feel I´m doing what I should to end this process faster, to get healthy faster. I feel so weird while I write this. Everything I say it’s just not enough to express myself, I read it again and I think its nonsense, next I ask myself why I write this. Next I think I should take a walk and it feels like it will be such an unpleasant thing to do… Maybe this explains better how I feel.
I guess I was avoiding feeling like this, like on the edge of falling again into big depression, I know this won’t happen, still it’s scary.
I do feel like a lot of things have improved. I see myself in more equilibrium.
As If I was remembering things of my life before taking Cymb. As If I was remembering my past life.
So hard to describe this feelings and reality… but I do feel the storm is fading away slowly.
I feel now in a process of convalescence… just waiting.