hey there (gawd this is long),
i haven't had a chance to re-visit the forum since i started my new job. i have to admit the anxiety has been kicking in big time. the company is wonderful, great pay, great benefits, everyone is really nice, and an awesome product. this is an up and coming dot com that shows great promise - only 4 years old but we have a number of fortune 500 partnerships we've just formed. i also love my boss. all in all this is the best job i have ever had - really! at 56 years old its about time!
so whats with the anxiety ? its the training and learning all the new processes. i have to learn 14 different computer applications to do my job - sales and demos to businesses. i have been through 3 weeks of training so far and we have another two weeks. there are four of us new hires going through it together. i feel like i am having a harder time learning everything compared with the others. it is a lot to learn but i feel like its a longer learning curve for me. i am also 20-30 years older than the other hires. in this job market the older you are, the more they think you are not tech savvy and you get stereotyped. thing is i am very tech savvy - at my former jobs it was not uncommon for me to assist those much younger than me on our systems. however, this is a technology company and everyone here is smart. very smart. its refreshing but challenging.
i know that my anxiety has always been tied in part, to my perfectionism. i am very competitive and i know that i am beating myself up for not being at pace with, or beyond, my peers in the training group. there is absolutely no evidence that my boss is not happy with me. on the sales side, he is thrilled with my consultative style and used it as an example to others. i know i am being irrational in my thinking. i know that i will learn this stuff, even if it takes a little longer. i also have no idea just how much my peers are picking up on it, it just seems to me like they've got it down. its just that i love this company so much i do not want to lose this job! however there is no evidence whatsoever that they would fire me. its all in my head. but even knowing that, when i sit down at my computer and start working on some of the programs, if i get stuck on the least little thing my anxiety soars, my brain fogs up and i am a cognitive mess. of course that compounds the problem.
the anxiety is not as bad as when i first quit the C, but its close. what's noticeable is that with the anxiety comes all the familiar symptoms i felt in withdrawal: fear, brain fog, easily brought to tears, irritability, and the physical symptoms: heart palpitations, aches and pains, gastro issues, and interstitial cystitis - i have to pee all the time. i quit the C 22 months ago and all of a sudden it feels like yesterday.
what this means to me is that the anxiety that kicks in with rapid withdrawal or cold turkey is often the cause of the physical symptoms. if you research/google "anxiety physical symptoms", the lists will look familiar, there are an incredible number of symptoms that i read on this forum that are endured during withdrawal. back in the day when i would miss a dose and then when i first went into withdrawal i would first feel the physical symptoms - but i still think it was anxiety-induced. its not uncommon for those with anxiety to feel the physical first. my husband suffers from occasional bouts of anxiety and he first feels it as a physical symptom, palpitations, gut butterflies, uneasiness/weakness, gastro issues. what happened to me is that the initial anxiety i felt was due to withdrawal (brain chemistry seriously out of wack), but it became a learned behavior - fear of fear. i started catastrophizing about every little thing and before you know it i created a generalized anxiety disorder. for those just coming off the C, nip the anxiety in the bud with a good CBT therapist and you may be able to lick the worst of it a lot quicker.
re: the physical symptoms of anxiety - they will not kill you and anxiety won't make you go mad. but its always good to get checked out at first on-set just in case. once the doc gives you the all clear, treat the symptoms with care, but focus on the mental aspects with therapy, diet, exercise and good mental hygiene! clear that up and the physical will likely follow. well, unless you were taking the C for pain. that's another story. but if you developed anxiety in withdrawal, controlling it could help reduce some of the pain, and certainly the other symptoms as well.
if we take an active role in our recovery - especially the anxiety - we have a much greater prognosis for getting "normal" again. anxiety doesn't go away on its own. it does take time but regardless of the cause, the treatment is the same. recognize and challenge negative thinking, accept the anxiety and "float" with it - that helps to neutralize and de-sensitize the central nervous system. being engaged in our recovery is key. that's the only thing that's worked for me.