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[LadyNina81]

Hello,
I am new to this forum. I thought writing daily will help me through my weaning process. I have been on Cymbalta 60mg for about a year now. I have been antidepressants, anti-anxiety, and mood stabilizer meds. I have longed to be off all my meds and be able to feel everything inside again. I am scared that I may not being able to pull myself back from this coma. Not a literal coma but it feels as though the "real" me hasn't been in charge of itself in a long time. It has had a crutch to rely on with the meds. An assistant to get through daily life. I need to unravel myself from the cobweb. I know the "real" me is still able to be in charge of my life. I know who I am. I just hope the meds haven't damaged me.

[LadyNina81]

I have to say this past weekend of "half-ing" my dosage was the worst. Luckily, my boyfriend is my bestfriend is in complete support of me:( I don't know how I would have made it through without him this weekend. Actually, I believe it all started the end of last week. I began feeling weird inside. I started feeling that I was acting so weird that everyone else could tell. My anxiety shot through the roof and trying so hard to mask it made me paranoid the worst continuous panic attacking ever. I haven't had the brain "zaps" yet. I have experienced those when missing a couple of doses completely. The last weekend almost felt surreal. It's as if the events were all blurred together. My anxiety hit me the worst on Sunday. It was bad enough I actually did fill my klonopin prescription and took my half dosing of that. I felt detached from reality and acting so weird that I didn't want to be around anyone. Even my voice sounded different to me. As if it were a higher pitch and struggle to talk leaving me breathless with each sentence and feeling like my breaths were so shallow and heart shallow yet beating so fast and fluttering. My words felt like this: Yes. I. Am. ready. to go out. eat one being its one sentence struggling to come out. I felt so self concious in everthing. My hair was horrible in my eyes, my body felt so stiff and my view of myself was that I was so ugly. My energy level was nothing. I felt so tired all day. An hour felt like 6 hours. The only time I actually felt awake and motivated was after taking a shower late saturday night. I started just freaking out over how dirty everything was. I felt I needed to clean everything now and everyting was sooo dirty and so much to do I didn't want to sleep. Somehow, I was able to fall asleep. My boyfriend has been wonderful. I know that was hard for him to go through toO! All my insecurites magnified and coming out of my mouth. Questioning him constantly of if I was acting weird. That was my weekend.

Then Monday came(Yesterday). We had floods all over OKC. I was so tired I could hardly get out of bed. My night sweats started sunday night. The were so bad it felt as though I peed all over myself. I had intense dreams. I was talking in my sleep. I slept in full fetal positioning. I felt a little out of place yesterday. I felt a little insecure as to not acting like myself but not as bad as the weekend. I was at my bf's work waiting out the flooding. I met new people and they all seemed to like me I guess. I just felt so fake inside and that I was wearing all my insecurities on my shoulder as a patch. I begged inside they couldn't see. I did finally end up going to work but got very easily angered by the wording of my boss. How HE made it in now and I should come in. HOW we arn't closed even though everyone else was. How would have to take a vacation day if I didn't come in. I felt so angry it was hard to hold back my snippy comments. My job has been difficult for me lately. I feel I don't get credit for what I do. I feel I am NOT good enough even though I know I am. I am getting irritated that I moved three positions with a promise of a raise that never happened. I feel people view me differently the last few months from me sharing my personal situations too much. I feel the only way out is to get out and start someplace new. But, doing that now would be a challenge while tapering off my meds. I want to conquer through this and wish it were a quick process. I wish I wouldn't deal with the emotions to extemes or feel so sensitive but I know these are all emotions my body should naturally deal with. Everything just feel amplified. I have no reason to feel anxious, depressed, or hate who I am. I need to stop feeling "poor me". I need to stop vocalizing everything I feel. I need to process this myself inside before directing everything out. I can do this. I can be the real me and not feel like I am clouded through the day. I can feel I am competant to deserve more and go for more. I am trying really hard to be positive right now. Today is tuesday and I feel out of the "cloud". I feel more alert. I think I forgot to take my half dose of cymbalta but know I only took half of everything else. I hope I can keep like this all day and night. I don't wanna take a half dose if not sure. I want to wait til the morning. Last night was another night of sweats...cold sweats. Vivid dreams! More intense dreams and I must be clenching or grinding teeth again. I am reliving things yet different sinerios. I feel everything in my past that was masked with meds are coming to me in my dreams. I hope this is a good thing for coping and dealing with everything inside. Today is a good day. I need to keep my head up. One day at a time is what I will now say.