Posted 18 July 2010 - 01:29 AM
Hey K-
Listening to Enya, 'May it Be', right now.. trying to calm myself down. Just wrote on my page about my night. Things from my past- with my mom and from my ex. Feeling pretty crappy.
Also- my internet connection isn't that great, so that's why I only write every other day or so.. that's as often as I can get online.
First of all- the rabbit story made me BURST out laughing. I startled my sleeping dog. That is just great- and I know what you mean about sometimes wondering if something is real or crazy because sometimes I'm feeling like I AM crazy.
Next, about your night and suicidal thoughts... that really sucks. I'm sorry that you feel that way. Yes, I do think that people who have thought through different 'options', are better at combating those same thoughts they next time they come up.. but also, scarily, at perfecting those same thoughts too. I have much more to write about that.. but for right now, in my current state- I need to tell you, flat out: Don't do it. DON'T YOU EVER DO IT. I lost my mom, she was 50 years old, to a car accident. She will never see my future children, or know now that I got out of my marriage, and see my life that I have now. And from my side.. I will never get to say I love you, to her again. I will never get to say I'm sorry for things that I was told as a child and grew up believing, and then found out weren't true after she died. This could be you. You could be this person that is forever missed, that is thought of with sadness and longing and a broken heart. I know that as a mom, you give and give, and aren't always appreciated or thanked. I think the line between self and others becomes even more fuzzy when a person becomes a good parent. And really- suicide is like.. the ultimate selfishness. I was suicidal in high school. I look back and am so thankful for my close friends and their families that somehow helped me keep it together. And since I went to college, and then finished college, and got married, and then divorced.. I somehow lost 'suicide' as an option. I don't know how it happened and I never realized it until right now as I type this to you. It's not a religious reason... it's just.. nothing's worth it. I look at the people that I have met since high school, the friends, the pets, the travels, the love I've experienced.. and it's almost like I was given a death sentence back then that I was somehow pardoned from. Now, I just have to live the best life I can. Each day is like an extra day that I'm almost not supposed to have... and yes, I honestly waste about 5 out of 7 days a week with non-important things. But then one night I take a walk at sunset or help someone carry in a bag of groceries- and then that day has it's sparkle and it's reason that I'm here.
I'm not trying to get preachy. I guess I need to be more constructive towards you.. my thought is- when you start to feel or think that way.. you need to find something to give yourself an 'out'. For me when my mom passed, it was smoking a cigarette. If something got to be too much, I could go have a smoke- just step outside for 5 minutes or so, away from that thought or person/place, and just focus on the weather or birds or whatever. It was a break for my brain. Find that for yourself. What interests you? What can you do that wouldn't take too much time, but will just snap you out of it for a little bit? Go make a cup of tea..Force yourself to read a certain comic. Something you can do almost anywhere to focus on something else.
I'll stop now. I really hope you know that this all comes from a place of caring from me.. we've never met, and have only known each other for a week.. but there is a reason we found each other and are keeping in touch. I do care.
Your post inspired me to go make a cup of tea.. extra honey of course. I'll be thinking of you.
I posted pics of the bracelet I made on my page too. 
I'm about to go on a lower dose in 2 days.. so we'll see how I'm doing then, but for now- what a great Thursday!
