Posted 31 October 2010 - 11:43 PM
Crappy, crappy, crappy, stupidness.
Well. I could have been DONE with Cymbalta a month ago... but I just kept drawing out lowering my beads. I'm now down to 4 beads a day. I know I could go down and be done completely within the next few days, but with how I'm felt lately- I'm so scared to go off completely. The last two weeks have been AWFUL.
To start- I physically feel like hell. I'm tired, and exhausted, and I feel like one of those people in those damn depression drug commercials. I just want to lay in bed and sleep.
-I used to NEVER get cramps, but now- the week before and of having my period, my cramps sear through my body. I've never had a child (but have had kidney stones) and this is as bad as kidney stones, and what I imagine labor pains to be like. The pain goes into my lower back and up my spine, and into my chest. Even before Cymbalta, I never had cramps. Also- my chest during all this swells to more than one full cup size bigger. It's awful and makes my chest muscles and pecs hurt. I have to wear a bra when I sleep.
-My appetite has gone down a little bit I think though which is very good. I have always been thin, but as soon as I started weaning- I actually put ON weight, now since being on this tiny dose, I'm going down. Maybe I've jut gotten more conscious of what I'm eating and going back to being a bit more organic, but it's just one more thing to add to the good list.
-I'm nauseous almost constantly. I feel dizzy and woozy, and even start to salivate sometimes which makes me feel like I'm going to puke. I try to drink more water, and am keeping up on my vitamins, but my head still feels so awful. I think this might be one of my TOP MOST CRAPPY SYMPTOMS. It's like I just got off a roller-coaster and my head hasn't quite stopped spinning inside, but the ground and everything else has and is fine. I just want to shake it off, but I can't.. it WON'T go away.
-I cry a LOT. Almost once a day. I used to cry maybe once a year. It's awkward and weird, and while I like that I am feeling this emotion- I don't need to feel it this much. Every day things or public places can suddenly become a mess because I saw a mom and her child in the grocery store that moved me to tears, or a movie scene, etc.
-Panic attacks!!!!! I don't know if this goes under physical or mental- it's both, but at least once a week, I have a panic attack. My heart speeds up and it feels like there is a huge rock on it squishing it down and pushing my ribs and lungs and all my muscles to the breaking point. It is physically painful. And my mind starts to race and feel strange and moody. And even after I have talked myself out of it mentally.. the physically symptoms remain for at least a half an hour to an hour. So- an hour later I'm still in pain and gasping for breath over something that made my uptight- an HOUR before hand.
Ok- mentally:
-I feel miserable in my head and in my heart. I feel lost. I feel forsaken and that I have given up so much of my life to now suddenly be somewhere where I am alone and scared. I feel lonely. And sometimes.. I feel really hopeless. I haven't felt or had suicidal thoughts since a few times back in high school... and now.. it's just.. more often. The fact that those thoughts are even present is awful and scary. Is this from the Cymbalta not being there to 'block' the thoughts? That doesn't make sense.. but not enough has changed in the last 4 months of my life to suddenly warrant this new and SCARY feeling.
-Nightmares. SCARY, awful, nightmares. And most of them are about the things that made me get ON Cymbalta. So, let me get this straight- I go through all this work and pain to get off Cymbalta- and now I feel even more awful than all of that awfulness?!!!?!
-Mood swings. My middle name, NO- my FIRST name, right now is Teeter Totter. Happy, sad, lonely, giddy, tired, HYPER, agreeable, angry, hurt, satisfied, frustrated, sorry.
I'm trying. My guy is patient and loving, and 96% supportive. Sometimes it's too much and we bump heads, but we had a really awful week last week (to the point of a break up)- and since then, talked it out and are being nicer to our relationship. I mean that.. our relationship needs nurturing and patience and support and respect- and we talked about that, and it's working. I feel at least good about that. There is still an inner part of me that is scared to death that I will lose him.. and this instability also makes me feel like a crazy person. Once I get health insurance again- I'm definitely going to go see a therapist/counselor to keep working on things in my life. It can't hurt and I feel like the extra support would be good.
Actually- maybe that is a good question to ask here- is anyone here on their OWN insurance (not through a work provided ins.)?? Any recommendations?
And any help on getting rid of the dizzy/nausea/vertigo type feeling? I don't want to take another drug to get off Cymbalta- so, any vitamins or teas or ANYTHING that could help?
I also don't understand the physical pain of my panic attacks and why that pain lasts for so long.
Honestly- right at this very moment is the best, most sound, that I have felt in a while. Maybe just writing and knowing that hopefully someone will write me with support and answers to my questions is therapeutic.
That's all for now, I guess. I think my final thought is.. I don't know if this current state is worth it. How long do I wait before I decide I'll never be normal without Cymbalta and then just get back on it (at $6 per pill/day!!) for the rest of my life?? I don't like this person I am right now, and I don't want to lose what I have slowly been able to build over the past few years of my life. I will definitely go see someone (a psychiatrist or whomever) before going back on it.
Please help.