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New To This Forum Thing And 5 Days In Quitting Cold Turkey.


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#31 thismoment

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Posted 12 August 2014 - 08:23 AM

MissAnn

 

"WTH is wrong with me?"  Cold turkey after 5 years on antidepressants is the issue, and it's going to take some time before things level off.

 

You acknowledge your history with rage, and you will undoubtedly be challenged with this in the coming weeks and months. I've read over your posts and it's clear that you are struggling with impulsive behaviour and rage, and that combination could lock you into a situation that will grossly compound your current challenges.

 

​Your demeanour is one of containment, which is just as it sounds-- accumulating pressure! If you don't have a therapist, I think you ought to consider getting one. Also find a way to release some of that frustration energy-- a sport, vigorous exercise. At work, wherever you can-- delegate, delegate, delegate; spread the power (and the frustration) around.

 

Take care.


#32 FiveNotions

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Posted 12 August 2014 - 08:56 AM

MAT, please listen to ThisMoment ... get a therapist and start talking ... and learning new coping and behavior skills ... then you won't have to stay up all night baking cupcakes for your crew to make up for losing your temper ;)

Your job is killing you. Why do you work this particular job, and such horrendously long hours? And with physical demands that just don't suit what your body can handle .... you've had back surgery, yet it sounds like you're lifting, climbing, etc non-stop...

Is it due to financial needs? Or to distract yourself from all that is going on inside of you? "Driving yourself to distraction" ?


#33 MissAnnThropic

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Posted 13 August 2014 - 12:18 PM

Thank you both yet again. So much of what you say makes perfect sense. Now to answer some questions and give you a tad bit more background.

 

To start...therapy isn't an option. I spent most of my childhood and a very large part of my adult life in therapy. I started therapy at age 6 when I started cutting myself with broken glass and any other sharp objects I could find at that age. Therapy never helped and in most cases only made me more angry. I was institutionalized several times as a teen and pre-teen because of violence and suicide attempts. Valid attempts. Not cries for help. While I still struggle I have come a VERY long way. I am close to 42 years old now and most people would never know what lurks beneath the surface. Anyone who has met me would never guess that I have a propensity for violence. I would love nothing more than to get rid of all the anger in me. I know where it comes from and I know what fuels it...but I can't get rid of it. As of now...I have much to be thankful for. And I am. However I feel that I shouldn't still be fighting these demons. I am truly happy. I live in a stunning home. I have a wonderful relationship with my best friend from Jr. High. I have my Daughter back after 9 long years of fighting for her. She was my salvation and when she was taken from me by my very vindictive ex, my world spiraled out of control again. I have never boasted of the things I've accomplished in life except for the fact that I was a very good Mother. She was my world. She IS my world. However...my past was used against me to fuel the already inflated ego of a horrible and tyrannical farce of a man. But I digress...I do not understand why at this stage in my life I am still so angry. I always considered myself strong enough to overcome anything. Success in this department still eludes me. 

 

To answer your question about my job. I love my job. I have a degree in law, a degree as a Vet Tech and a degree as a photographer. On top of that I am a baker, an artist, a writer and a musician. I also do various volunteer work for animal conservancies and shelters. That being said...I work for less than $10 an hour for a local Pet Store chain. Why? I enjoy it. I love being able to pass along my knowledge to other animal lovers. I have been with the company just a hair over a year and I have been promoted more times than any previous employee to date. I plan on going as high as I can and quite honestly...after doing so I will probably move on and find another job to conquer. It's just what I do and how I've accumulated knowledge in so many areas. I don't have to work. I chose to. I have to stay busy. I have to constantly be stimulated. I drive most people insane because I rarely stop moving. As I sit here typing and have both legs bouncing. I never stop moving. Not even in my sleep. My boyfriend has learned to adjust to it over time and is now able to shut it out unless I become to violent in my sleep. At which point he will wake me up gently as ask who I'm fighting with. I tell him briefly and fall back asleep with him hugging me. As I said...I am very lucky. It hasn't always been that way but now that it is I never take it for granted.

 

So...on to my progress report. Day...ummm...14? I've lost track.

 

Yesterday I lost complete vision in my right eye. It came back after what seemed like an eternity. Throughout the day it dimmed and brightened sporadically. The brain zaps have either decreased in intensity of I have become used to them. The eating though...is out of control. While I am indulging now...I know it must end very soon or I will suffer with excessive weight gain. An eating disorder is not something I need on top of everything else.

 

I'm still taking my supplements. Only thing I've noticed is that my skin, hair and nails are fabulous. Other than that I don't know if there has been much benefit. My heart still does some strange things. It can be very frightening at times but when it happens I just try to stop moving and calm myself. 

 

That's all I can think of to report at this moment. I will keep you updated and again...I can not thank you enough for the support and understanding. 


#34 FiveNotions

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Posted 13 August 2014 - 12:39 PM

What a wonderful post, MAT, thank you for sharing all that about yourself! Wow, a law degree, vet tech ... so much intelligence and creativity ... and so much courage ... what you said about your daughter brought me to tears .. and your boyfriend and how he wakes you up gently and hugs/holds you while you fall back asleep .. oh my ... more tears here ... :hug:

Now I understand about your work ... totally ...it's not the money you get, it's the love you give and receive ...

The temporary vision loss is an effect others here have had, if I recall ... I didn't have that, instead had optic neuritis (red hot pokers behind the eyeballs) so bad I had to lie in bed with a blindfold and ice packs all over my head... (needless to say, I wasn't working like you are ... I was a wuss)..

I'll see if I can find the other posts about vision loss ...

Your interest in food is waaay different than I was ... I was on liquids for almost the whole first month ... with the occasional saltine cracker ...


#35 MissAnnThropic

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Posted 13 August 2014 - 01:42 PM

Yes...as I said...I am very lucky to have my boyfriend. He has seen the abuse I endured as a child first hand. He saw me arrive at school daily bruised and battered. A very shy, nervous, stick figure of a girl dressed in dyed black clothes who hid behind her hair and never smiled. He watched me struggle daily with the ridicule of being an outcast from other kids at school. I always distanced myself from other people. VERY few have been able to penetrate these walls. The name MissAnnThropic is not just a clever title. It's a fact.  He watched an 80lb little girl grow up hard and fight everyone or everything that got in her path. Although I never cried...he was always there to hold me when I should have been crying but was afraid to. We were in-separable. He joined the army in '89 and my parents threw me out of the house for the third and final time when I was 16. We lost touch. I looked for him for nearly 25 years. I finally found him in 2011. One of the happiest days of my life. The things fairy tales are made of. The bullshit I never bought into let alone believed would ever happen to me. I actually got my prince charming. The one who would save me from myself. The one person that still holds me when the frightened child inside emerges.


#36 FiveNotions

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Posted 13 August 2014 - 01:48 PM

MAT, now I'm weeping ... good tears ... joy for you and your boyfriend ... :wub:


#37 MissAnnThropic

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Posted 16 August 2014 - 09:26 AM

Dare I speak it and risk jinxing myself? Well...here goes. I wanted to share with you all that I haven't had any brain zaps in two days. I worked 14 hours yesterday and I felt great. Other than being tired from not sleeping the night prior. Sleeping is what's difficult. Not the actual act of sleeping but the fact that I wake up on the hour from pain. So I'm not getting any actual rest. I'm just so thrilled to report that I feel fantastic. I hope it's just one of those "eye of the storm" things. 

 

I am off to work but I will keep you updated. I can't thank you all enough for the support. If any of you ever need to talk I'm here for you. :)


#38 FiveNotions

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Posted 16 August 2014 - 10:28 AM

MAT, great news, and definitely big progress!

 

Enjoy every moment of feeling good ... feeling great ...

 

and don't let yourself be surprised or get down on yourself if after a good day (or two or three or even a week or a month) you suddenly have a bad "crapalta" day ... it's part of the pattern, at least it was for me and a lot of us here ...

 

Report back again soon, we love hearing from you!


#39 fishinghat

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Posted 16 August 2014 - 11:13 AM

Yes MAT, that is wonderful!! No don't freak out if it comes back, which it probably will. Each good spell will be longer and each bad spell shorter. Fantastic, you are turning the corner!!


#40 MissAnnThropic

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Posted 18 August 2014 - 12:15 PM

I am still going strong. It seems as though I have beaten this thing. I feel fantastic. Never been happier. I am still craving food and alcohol really bad. I gained close to 10 lbs the first week or so but it is now starting to drop back down. I am hungry all the time. Like ravenous. Very strange combinations. If one didn't know better they would think I was pregnant. Especially as I sit here now eating olive and vanilla ice cream with Corona's and lime. LoL

 

Other than a few minor aggravations...I feel pretty normal. All I can think is that between my determination, the recommended supplements and the support I got here and from my family that I actually beat this thing. I hope that my experience can give others hope. Although I realize that I'm not the norm. I never have been normal. My doctors have always marveled at the things I've accomplished. Three hours after having back surgery I unhooked myself from my monitors and IV pain meds to get up and walk around the hospital because I was bored. "You can't do that." or "That's not possible." are terms that don't exist to me.

 

So...here's my update. Hope you all are well and I will report any changes. :)


#41 fishinghat

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Posted 18 August 2014 - 01:17 PM

Great MAT. Well done.


#42 gail

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Posted 18 August 2014 - 02:52 PM

Mat, real rare to read such a good update after only a few weeks
Off.

You could be an exception here!

About the ice cream, olives and corona, I would also wonder if
I were pregnant. Why not a test?

Looking forward to read your updates.

#43 FiveNotions

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Posted 18 August 2014 - 08:49 PM

MAT, olives, vanilla, white sugar and alcohol all increase serotonin blood levels ... my bet is your body is craving them because it's losing the Cymbalta serotonin boost ... I had major food cravings in the first month of withdrawal ... primarily raw horseradish, red pepper, black pepper, chili powder and v-8 juice ... I made nuclear powered "virgin marys" and drank them by the gallon  .... if I tried to drink that combo now, my head would explode .... oh, and that's when I also got the craving for vinegar, and discovered the benefits of apple cider vinegar ... I drank that straight out of the bottle, too .... :P :blink:


#44 MissAnnThropic

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Posted 18 August 2014 - 09:28 PM

Mat, real rare to read such a good update after only a few weeks
Off.

You could be an exception here!

About the ice cream, olives and corona, I would also wonder if
I were pregnant. Why not a test?

Looking forward to read your updates.

I can't get pregnant. I had my tubes tied at 23 the day following the birth of my Daughter. No more oooops for me. LoL


#45 Carleeta

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Posted 18 August 2014 - 09:43 PM

MissAnnTropic. Please keep up the positive attitude and keep up posting your positive progress. There are many viewers and quests on this forum who will be reading your posts and this just might give them the answers they are looking for. It's hard to make the decision to quite Cymbalta and no one knows how they will react to doing so. You have just helped someone out with their decisions.

Please keep us posted to your progress.....Keep the good work and keep going forward....

#46 thismoment

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Posted 18 August 2014 - 10:48 PM

MissAnn

 

You are a warrior! I'm cheering for you.


#47 MissAnnThropic

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 04:28 PM

The last few days have been bad. My temper is off the charts. I have actually been seeking confrontations and looking for trouble anywhere I can find it. That includes driving at excessive speeds in hopes of a run in with police. I am scared I may hurt someone and I don't know what to do. I don't want to take any pills. I've come so far. But I am considering going back to Prozac. It helped with my anger. I just hoped I could do it on my own. I am currently looking for some kind of outlet for this rage. Any suggestions? I'm really very concerned.

#48 thismoment

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 04:40 PM

Hi MissAnn

 

You can't do it on your own-- you need to learn appropriate strategies to defuse the playing-out of these emotions. This is a normal part of your emotions returning-- it levels out after a while, but you need something to keep it from getting out of hand. The best thing I can recommend is Mindfullness-based therapy. And yes, there is the option of being re-medicated.

 

What you are describing is rage, and there is no "off" button until there is a "payoff" where something gets broken or somebody gets hurt-- even you.

 

Please be careful as you could create a situation that will yield unbearable pain for the rest of your life.


#49 brzghoff

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 04:53 PM

The last few days have been bad. My temper is off the charts. I have actually been seeking confrontations and looking for trouble anywhere I can find it. That includes driving at excessive speeds in hopes of a run in with police. I am scared I may hurt someone and I don't know what to do. I don't want to take any pills. I've come so far. But I am considering going back to Prozac. It helped with my anger. I just hoped I could do it on my own. I am currently looking for some kind of outlet for this rage. Any suggestions? I'm really very concerned.

 

 

wow, sorry to hear about this. i know you have had a lot of therapy in the past and don't feel that it is helpful, however, how long has it been since you last tried? talking to someone about this can help you uncover what it is you are telling yourself that leads to the rage. no doubt  withdrawal makes it all that much worse. i have had to struggle with rage since i was a child and for me it boiled down to having expectations about things out of my control - like someone else's behavior. meds helped get me to the point where i could do the cognitive work. my therapist wouldn't hold back. he calls me out when he hears me making irrational statements - like how something must be a certain way or someone has to act in a certain manner. i had 3 therapists over 8 years before i met # 4 who i worked with for another 8 years. i took 2 years off but went back a few times recently due to the anxiety i was suffering as a result of C withdrawal. its made all the difference, for me. 

 

just a thought, we're all very concerned and want to make sure you're okay so keep us posted


#50 Carleeta

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 05:07 PM

MissAnnTropic, My opinion on your post is very sensitive and I'm going to try and to explain, as delicately as I can, why you need to get help with what you are experiencing. As others have mentioned, you truthfully cannot do this alone, and it's perfectly ok to get on another medication with help over this raging emotion, and possibly seek a therapist to help with 'anger management' behavior. Your feeling of rage, is definitely not healthy for you and definitely putting yourself and others in 'harms way'. This is just not an acceptable behavior. I'm sure you may not have even realized how this behavior is so harmful to yourself and to others. When feeling rage, it's all you can feel at that moment. Just shooting out a post to the members here describing your behavior and venting it, assures me you are looking for someway to get help for this. Help is what you need, whether it be a medication and/or therapy. Most of the members here are taking other medications and or therapy to help with any type of withdrawal symptom they are feeling. From your post, I'm sure you are in need of some help. Please keep us posted as we are all concerned on your well being and progress....

#51 ShadyLady

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 07:09 PM

Hi MissAT, I have not posted in awhile as I am also experiencing rage (along with dark, thick depression) that is most unusual & like nothing I have ever felt before. I did see a therapist but after the second visit when he asked "What is it you expect from me when you have backed up and unloaded a dump truck full of various issues?" WHAT??!! I was stunned & then unleashed an all out verbal attack questioning him about his background, experience (32 years!) & credibility as not only a therapist but as a human being...not pretty!! I was escorted out of my primary doctor's office by the male nurse and threatened that if I didn't leave quietly, they would call security! Today, I had trigger point injections & an occipital nerve block procedure from the pain management doctor I have seen for 7 yrs & his actions & attitude were extremely indignant, egocentric & condescending that it took every fiber of my being not to physically & verbally attack him in retaliation!
I have no idea what is happening, whether this behavior & treatment I have experienced with these "professionals" was the same, with the exception of the new therapist, when I was on the C & was too numb emotionally to notice or if stopping the crap has left me with emotions I am unable to filter or control rationally after being so humiliated by these idiots! I hate confrontation & have pretty much made nice to avoid it...now, I am baffled & perplexed at the anger I am experiencing still some 10 weeks off the C.

Are you still taking the Norco, morphine & Nuvigil? I read in one of your earlier posts that you had stopped the morphine cold turkey as well. That is worrisome to me as I stopped 120mg MS Contin last August & that withdrawal was very disturbing but not nearly as devastatingly awful as this CYM experience!! I wonder if that could be an aggravating factor in the rage you are experiencing as well?

Hang in there, this is a roller coaster ride of immeasurable & wicked withdrawal effects!! Peace to you, girlfriend...we're in it together and here for you, some doing better than others, but still sharing our ups & downs to encourage one another;)

#52 Carleeta

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 07:34 PM

CymSik, wow you've been having a terrible time lately. These high emotions are so very difficult to handle and especially this rage. Truthfully, I've never experienced the rage therefore this is new to me, with the exception of feeling as though everything was everyone else's fault (for about a week)and having anger and bad judgment towards others. I wouldn't consider that rage though, because I still did care enough not to be reckless.. I'm thinking the same as you with MissAnnTropic. I do agree, upon her stoppage of pain meds and Cymbalta all at the same time. Although coming off pain meds are having different physical withdrawal symptoms, the psychological ones could be all mixed in together.

Here I'm hoping your emotions settle a bit and better days will be on the way....

#53 thismoment

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 07:45 PM

CS

 

Wow!

 

At 10 weeks off the C you are right on schedule for the rage! Say hi to the homecoming! Don't worry; it will become intermittent and then rare. When it struck me, all my Mindfulness training was flung out the window as I flew off the handle and launched into a rage!

 

Hang in there kiddo. You're going to be okay.


#54 ShadyLady

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 08:39 PM

Thanks for the encouragement Carleeta & TM... I need to do that more for others here as it helps me step out of the shadows of my own sadness. "The Homecoming"...spot on, TM;) I've been practicing "tapping" or EMT, now that's a sight to behold:/ teehee

#55 ZappAlta

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Posted 22 August 2014 - 03:20 AM

Miss Ann and Cym sorry to read of the Rage Emotions-just like faulty wiring we spark and crackle intermittendly(sp) while our Neuro -transmissions are in repair. A basic mind impulse when the feeling ignite might be to wear a wrist rubber band -snap it -deep breathe -count to ten as in 1:1   2:2-repeat over and over guess what it will give you time to re-think and bring awareness to what could be consequental.  Many c/d /tapes to listen to on controlling anger impulses. Keep us posted as we all here support you :hug:


#56 DoneWithCrap

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Posted 22 August 2014 - 06:15 AM

Thank you for reminding me of these coping strategies. I have a toolbox full of them but I forget to go to the tools when I need them most. The tapping works very well for me and I wish I had remembered it while trying to camp with my family a few days ago. Instead of coping, I fled. I packed up my things (and puppy) at 11:30 pm Tuesday and drove the 3 hours back home just to get away from them. Luckily before I lashed out hurtful words at them. I kept that loud chatter in my head and which is what kept me awake for the drive. I'm glad nobody can read my mind ;)
I wound up missing my morning meds on Wednesday which made yesterday pretty aweful.
I'm down to less than 20mg of C and I'm not looking forward to the after effects lasting once I'm off.
I'm back to being angry at the world for causing me to need meds in the first place and angry that these meds are compounding my suffering.
You have your own reasons for being angry and I wish you the best in your journey to survive!

#57 ShadyLady

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Posted 22 August 2014 - 03:45 PM

Heehee, Renee;). Loved your comment about "wishing you remembered tapping while camping!" My brain rage erases in a flash any coping skills I am learning! Uurrrggh! I have so enjoyed your posts about your new puppy, too;) The only comfort I have is my 2 dogkids, a 7lb papillon & 14lb special needs (mental issues like me!) terrier mix I rescued at 6wks. They are the sandbags that keep my mental madness balloon from soaring too high;). Keep up the good work, you are a dear soul.

Thanks, ZappA;). I really like the rubber band idea! That gives me a physical visual rather than trying to 'remember' other techniques, at this point anyway, something to distract the "Crage" (new word combining Cym & rage, teehee) before unleashing my vitriolic nonsense & kicking my butt afterwards:/ at my shameful behaviour! Be well, Sisterfriend;)

#58 DoneWithCrap

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Posted 22 August 2014 - 06:02 PM

Thank you CymSik. I took my pup, Benzo, to the vet today. He is 17.8 lbs at 12 weeks. I know I shouldn't but I let him sleep with me otherwise I don't sleep. He and the sleep I have been getting since he arrived have made this withdrawal much easier.


#59 ShadyLady

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Posted 22 August 2014 - 06:53 PM

Sweetie, if Benzo helps you sleep he is 'Wonder Dog' as sleep evaded me for a solid 8 weeks off this dope!! Forget the 'I know I shouldn't' and bask in the gratitude you are experiencing with your heaven sent angel, Benzo;). Your story is just so cool about getting a puppy to help you through this withdrawal braintrain wreck! Muuaah, hugs to you & Benzo, Reba

#60 TryinginFL

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Posted 22 August 2014 - 07:54 PM

So happy to now see Benzo - thanks for making him your avatar! :D





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