I haven't been around much the last month. I was feeling okay...reducing beads very slowly.....feeling (dare I say it....) good.
Went to my last doctor visit and just was left feeling disappointed. She insists that withdrawal is all in my head. She said that the small number of beads I am taking have no affect on my body and wouldn't refill the prescription to allow me to taper off. My trouble sleeping that suddenly popped up when I began tapering? Sleep Apnea and she referred me to a sleep clinic (which I refused). Gastro issues that popped up when I began tapering? My diet (which hasn't changed!)
Her only solution was to offer me another anti-depressant. I'm pleased that I'm not feeling depressed. Yes...there are "down days" but not the grunge that I struggled with before. My anxiety on the other hand? Awful. Horrible. It wasn't a big issue for me before and it is just horrible. That? Nope. No prescription - instead I'm supposed to try meditating. I get the value in that, but when I cannot function it's hard to find a way up to meditate my way through it.
So following that appointment a few weeks ago - I said forget it. I said I knew my body and I knew what was real. I continued the taper as I was and did okay. Then I realized I didn't have enough beads left to finish it out and started tapering faster.
Today I am back three months ago. I am crying as I write this. So nauseated. Bone tired but can't sleep. My entire body hurts. And the anxiety! Today I have survived on the couch with some benzos to take the edge off (not quite back alley obtained, but not prescribed to me which in turn gives me anxiety!) So frustrated. Scared. Feeling alone.
The last two days I took 4 beads. FOUR STUPID LITTLE BEADS! Is this all in my head?