16 replies to this topic

[ittybittysmitty]

Please help!

I just started bead counting down two days ago, one additional bead a day...

tonight my mom said some things that were downright disrespectful and it triggered me to the point of intense rage...i threw water from my water bottle at her and then hit her after she mouthed off again.

I don't know what to do...maybe go back up to 1/8 twice a day..i am taking care of her from 5-7 a.m. And 5-9 most nights and have days free...
I am carrying a lot of anger because my world revolves around mt moms care...i get triggered by other caregiver questions..the other day I snapped at one of them..there are a lot of interruptions so I need to get out of the house

[FiveNotions]

Oh, IBS, I'm so sorry ... for you and for your mom ...

Did you hurt her physically? If so, this cannot continue, it's elder abuse ... and if one of her caregivers reports it, there will be harsh consequences. What's the situation now?

You've got to get yourself to a therapist, asap ... this anger at being a constant caregiver is something that's clearly there quite independent of the Cymbalta ... and getting off the drug is just exacerbating it ... maybe now isn't the time for you to get off it?

What can you do to get yourself a vacation away from your mother and this situation ... for at least a couple of weeks? Do you have anywhere you can go?

Or, can you get an additional caregiver to come in to take over your "shifts" so that you have some days free?

What about joining a support group for caregivers near where you live? Having others in the same situation to talk to might be a release for you ... and build up a support network for you to rely on...

Also, is your mom really able to remain in her home, or is it time to consider an assisted living or nursing home facility?

I went through the same thing with my mom ... only I was living here in DC, she was in northern NYS .. I flew up 2 or 3 weekends a month ... nearly killed me ... I nearly killed her ... I have a deep understanding of the anger you feel ... and how it bursts out like it did ...

I'm praying for you!

[ShadyLady]

IBS, I have read your posts and know that it has been difficult for you being the sole caregiver for your mom. Did you recently get help from an agency or organization for help with her care? I cannot imagine tapering off Cymbalta and caring for my mother 7 years ago. She lived with me and I had two sisters that did nothing to help me out, zip, nada! I would lose it about once a month as caring for a parent can be challenging under the best of circumstances. She passed away 5 years ago and I miss her so much and would do anything to have another day with her now, but when you are caring for them daily it can be so challenging. One day I was the mother and she the child and then she would reverse and turn "bossy pants" and my nerves were shot with the emotional ups and downs of her losing her independence and there were no support groups available where I could get help and understanding.

What dose of Cym are you down dosing with a bead at a time? I have to concur with FN that maybe it is not a good idea to continue with tapering unless you must for reasons of side effects or insurance issues, perhaps? Are you still living with her? I seem to remember that you had to move and don't know if that was moving together or if you lived alone.

I had three months of severe anger issues, that were totally out of character for me, after stopping the crap and would lose out over the smallest shit! This is your mother and I know you must feel horrible afterwards, yet when one feels disrespected we get hurt or angry without the added emotional turmoil of trying to get off the Cym. Words are hurtful enough and can't be taken back, but the physical actions, as I'm sure your aware are serious.

I can only echo FN's sound suggestions and I feel your pain. Caregiving is a thankless, tiresome duty some days, but add the side effects of down dosing off the poison, I'm sure it must be overwhelming for you and it will only lead to serious consequences I'm afraid.

Are things calmer now and have you spoken to mom since you lashed out? I am concerned for you and even though mom may have been disrespectful, you know this is hurtful and confusing to her as well, right?

Please tell us how you are and how mom is...my thoughts and prayers go out to you

[ittybittysmitty]

FN and Cymsik,

Thank you for your words of advice and support..

I know this is an extremely serious issue and thankfully i don't take care of her by myself...we hired an agency so a handful of caregivers take shifts...

Yes, FN, i did hit her and couldn't believe it..it was a huge wake up call that I'm overwhelmed with her needs and ignoring my own. we have a history of abuse between us and i've struggled with anger issues toward her my entire life...Certainly she meant nothing by her comments but somewhere inside me it hurt like hell and i automatically lashed out...the context was that i mentioned that i get out of the house during the day because it's too noisy and the caregivers interrtupt me with questions and it gets to be too much...she said thats 'abnormal' and when i told her she was being unfair, she told me i was too sensitive....DOUBLE WHAMMY of invalidation!!!

We immediately 'made up' and forgave each other which was amazing and I went back to being myself again...I realize the seriousness of this and need to come up with a game plan for when she 'triggers' me.

Cymsik, i can't imagine what you went through going solo like that along with issues you had with her....but hopefully you had no regrets;o))

Yes, i'm doing a bead at a time...I backed off today...
There is an online support group i posted on last night...It's called Agingcare.com
Going somewhere is an option but it would cost money...If only for a weekend, it would be beneficial!

Today i plan to just relax downstairs and be thankful i don't do this alone!

Thank you ladies for being here for me...Blessings on your day!!

[Carleeta]

IBS, I see the rage resulted into some physical events. Yes! Wakeup call! You do know right from wrong even through this cymbalta hell. Relieved you realized the wrongfullness.

It's difficult to care for someone. I cared for my mom during her Dementia suffering. Had many workers in her home also. Yes the workers can ask questions all through the day. It does get uncontrollably overwhelming. I needed to remove myself when workers were there. What I did do was keep a binder notebook there. Had each worker write down notes of their time spent with my mom....This included the fact that each worker came in and read the notes from the previous caretaker (or nurse, family member, etc.). This included what meds she received, the time she received them, what she ate, the time she ate, baths, communication, bowel movements, bowel accidents, and what they observed my mother's behavior to be when they were caring for her. I myself wrote in all necessary info when I was with her. They are called progress notes. This will help each worker avoid unnecessary questions. They will know what went on prior to their care. This was done each day by everyone. It's a great technique for you and the caregivers. In the front of the progress notes, I had instructions on all her meds, and any dietary changes which I updated regularly and placed it in front of the book, where each worker would see when they went over to the book. This helped me a great deal and the workers enjoyed knowing what to expect that day from reading other notes. This may help ease up a bit of your precious time away from caring for your mom.

Take care IBS, you need as much rest as possible so you can handle these strong physical urges, if they should arise again..

[FiveNotions]

Good news, IBS, thanks for letting us know!

 

And awesome that you found that online group and signed up. You definitely need that kind of support. I pray that it's as good a forum for that issue as this forum is for our crapalta withdrawal issues.

 

I know I've asked, and you've answered this question before ... but, I forgot ... please remind me ... do you have a therapist? Sounds like you'd benefit from working on those long-standing issues between you and your mom.

 

How advanced is her condition? Is she at the point where residential care would be better for her ... and you ...?

 

Also, bravo for slowing down on the bead counting!!

[FiveNotions]

IttyBitty,

I woke up this morning thinking about you ... I remembered back to when I was caring for my mother. She'd finally had to go into a nursing home. I was flying from DC to northern NYS twice a month on weekends, driving another hour north to get to the nursing home. I was beyond exhausted, much as you are.

Late one Friday night when I arrived, one of the nurses took me aside and said "we need to talk."

She took me into a little sitting room, and talked to me. She was one of the wise old-time nurses ... and I really really liked her ... she sat me down, looked me straight in the eyes, and asked me this question: "When was the last time you had any fun?"

I was stunned. I couldn't answer, because it had been so long, I couldn't remember. She then handed me a little metal button, with the words on it ... "It's time to get a life" ....

She said, "It's time for you to get a life. Because if you don't, you are no help to your mother, because you have nothing left to give to her."

I just broke down and wept. And she put her arms around me, let me cry and said ... when you leave here on Sunday, go back home. Do at least two fun things before your next visit. I want a full "fun report." I followed her advice, and the change / improvement / relief I felt was incredible. I remember what I did ... one week, I went to a movie. Then next week, I ate at an Indian restaurant.

I gave my "report" to her the next time I went up to visit. She hugged me, and handed me another button. This one said, "Congratulations, you have a life!"

To this day, I wonder where in the hell she found those buttons!

IBS, when is the last time you had any fun?

 

Plan and do something fun. As soon as possible. An ice cream cone, a movie, anything small and simple that will remind you that you do, indeed, have a life.

 

And come back here with a full report!! (Actually, report in over at Carleeta's "positive events" thread  )

[ittybittysmitty]

Hello ladies...

Carleeta, you were very wise to prepare the other caregivers and to leave the house...

Take care IBS, you need as much rest as possible so you can handle these strong physical urges, if they should arise again.

This is true of me..on my days off i want to get outta here so I 'run' around shopping or whatever until i am exhausted...I do'nt know how to rest...a type A I guess...well, time to try a B lifestyle.

FN,

Thank you!

I know I've asked, and you've answered this question before ... but, I forgot ... please remind me ... do you have a therapist? Sounds like you'd benefit from working on those long-standing issues between you and your mom.

Yes, I just had my first session...my church has a counseling clinic...my homework is to get back to doing my art...i think greeting cards are a good start!

How advanced is her condition?
She is needing more liters of O2 so we'll see what her pulmonologist determines at her appt next week.

WOW, FN, you really needed a wakeup call and I'm happy you received one..that nurse wasn't there by accident! Did you ever realize on your own that you didn't 'have a life"? It's a good reminder for me...today I"m going on a riverboat sightseeing cruise so let the fun begin...!

I guess that's all I can think of for now...but i think that the more fun that's in my life, I'll have the reserves to resist the urges i have...

Take good care ladies and have a blessed weekend!

[Carleeta]

IBS, sounds like a great idea to get on that riverboat today. This could be exactly what you do need to find the stabilized calming feeling. A few excitements on the boat should send your built up anxiety in the right direction.

Oh please do tell us all about this riverboat ride. It sounds so exciting and I'm so very happy for you.....

[FiveNotions]

IttyBitty ... awesome step forward, therapy and some fun!
 
Love it ... "assigned" to get back to your art ... now that's what I call therapy! And greeting cards ... neat ... have you ever made them to sell? I'd love to see some of your work ... if you feel comfortable sharing (and can figure out that damned "how to post a .jpg thing), please do post a pic or two.
 
And that riverboat cruise ... full report please, over in Carleeta's "positive events" thread!
 
Therapy, ah yes ...I have a therapist now, but she's a Medicaid asshat, useless. Keeps pushing me to go back on the drugs. So she doesn't count. And, the "issues" I have now are directly related to crapalta withdrawal ... ain't no professional out there who's gonna' be able to help me, just this wonderful forum.
 
However, I sure can attest to therapy's benefits, especially for the parent issues ...and anger .. Years ago, I spent about 10 years (and a zillion dollars) in therapy. (I like to say that instead of buying a condo, I bought my mental health...What's the point of living in a glamorous home, if inside yourself you're trapped in a mental/emotional slum? )

I worked through every molecule of the shit... the lesson I learned, at least for me, is that forgiveness is the key to healing.
 
And you are well on your way, IttyBitty!

[ittybittysmitty]

Carleeta/FN,

Sigh,

My fibromyalgia reared it's ugly head yesterday and i was unable to go on the cruise until a few hours after it started. I did get some 'me' time in by going winter coat shopping so not all was lost. lol.

Thank you both for cheering me on..It meant a lot...!

When I was married, I worked on getting some cards published..After several rejection letters, i let myself give up..Poor decision, but now I feel confident that my church bookstore would eventually be interested in buying them...Yes, even though i'm tehnically challenged I will try to post some images at some point...I created a few cartoon characters...one looks like Ziggy (remember him?) . He has a fuzzy head of hair and then a weiner dog.

BTW...ladies..do you have hobbies you enjoy, that make you happy? Please share!!

Happy day to you lovely friends...

[FiveNotions]

IttyBitty ... coat shopping is a fine substitute for the river boat cruise ... gotta' listen to our bodies, and if the fibro said "no go," that's okay ... you moved to "Plan B"

 

My beloved hobby is quilting ... I also used to do a lot of dressmaking... I hadn't done anything with the quilting for about 7-8 years, since I got on crapalta ... but have now gotten my quilting bag out of the cedar chest, been looking at fabrics again, and even bought graph paper and huge gorgeous set of colored pencils to start making designs again ... I've always done it pretty much totally by hand... both the piecing and the actual quilting ... with a bit of machine piecing when in a rush to finish something ...

 

I don't currently have a sewing machine, but want to replace the "vintage" 1968 Singer model I had years ago and that I loved ... found the exact same model, and will buy it as soon as I get my finances into a bit better shape. Would like to see if I can remember / reclaim my dressmaking skills.I've also always dreamed of having a treadle machine, and would like to use that for the quilt piecing ... ReneeRJ posted elsewhere that she buys and restores them ... would love to buy one from her !

 

Another "hobby" is reading ... which I've done huge amounts of consistently over the years, even while on the crapalta... but have been unable to do since withdrawal started last December. My cognitive skills and eyesight took such a hit that I just lost all ability and interest ... I had a brief "spurt" in late spring, and re-read "The Hobbit," but then ran out of energy. Hoping to be able to pick that up again soon.

 

This is a great topic! How 'bout you start a thread just for "Hobbies" or some such title? It would go well with Carleeta's "Positive Events" thread ....

[Carleeta]

IBS, fantastic! Winter coat shopping...great productive day. You made the best of your day....yipeeeeee

crafts are wonderful, keep up the good work with the cards.

yes, I love crafts, all of them. I indulge in many crafts, just to keep my sanity....crochet, centerpieces, cards, frames, scrapbooking, and definitely photography and cooking. ..I never know what to do next...lol lol...always doing something creative. I do make homemade birthday and Holiday cards, usually work with Martha Stewards tools in doing so...

you keep up a your card making....would love to view one of them.....

[ittybittysmitty]

Five Notions,

You'll have to post some pics of your quilts and your designs. I would love to see them...;o)) Aren't colored pencils the best? I use them with my cards. Before you know it you'll be on your way to making a quilt...Keep believing that!

You mentioned you enjoy reading...what genres do you like? I know how difficult it is to focus because of the crapalta. Was the movie or the book better in your opinion?

Sewing never appealed to me...how did your interest begin?

Yes, i will start a new topic...looking forward to seeing the responses.

[FiveNotions]

IttyBitty ... I'll wait to answer your questions in the new thread when you start it ..keep you in suspense

[ittybittysmitty]

Carleeta,

Thank you dear...I found a lovely coat but not in my size so I called Macys and they're going to hold it...With the discounts and coupons i will save a bundle.

Way to go on your creative endeavors! I would love to see some of your cards...i would imagine you can spend hours in a crafts store? lol. I love photography and cooking too...but haven't taken any photography classes...my mom says i have a natural talent...

Do you enjoy baking?

[Carleeta]

IBS, oh yes, I enjoy baking....last week I made pumpkin cookies and pumpkin breads which have all disappeared...lol lol lol....

Go with your talent in photography, it's quite relaxing and invigorating at the same time. The cards I make are geared to each individual. There isn't two I make the same.

Glad you found your coat and they will hold it for you.

I sort of like craft stores, although only for specific items. Just run in an out of them, usually have a list with me...lol lol lol