I'm restless.
I took a 15mg pill this morning, for my first antidepressant dose ever. I'm 24.
So, the first few hours were as expected... Minor dizziness, confusion, chills, muscular contractions, nothing major. A few hours in, and these symptons started fading. And by 8 PM, I went out to the movies with my girlfriend. And I start feeling just great.
I don't recall feeling this good since 2007, when all the depression problems were non existant. And I could think and see things clearer, too. Just as when I was "healthy", years ago. And I could "feel". Because when you're down, you hardly feel anything at all. And it all felt so natural! As if it was just me, getting back to my natural, healthy state, my real me. The night proceeded surprisingly great, I was feeling better than I had been in years. Me and my gf even start a long, deep conversation about how this year was rough on us and how I felt thankful for her standing by my all along, carrying me as a burden all this time. Tears roll down, and after lenghty conversations, we're both standing there, midnight, feeling as hopeful as a young, healthy couple in love can feel, about their future. It was so magical, and yet, so real, the whole meeting. We even went out to a bar, and celebrate! And tomorrow we're travelling to my parent's, for the first time, to spend the day together, and bring the good news to my folks.
Now, the plot twist: I have this friend, she's attempted suicide in the past, and I go out to tell her the good news, how I'm feeling great and it's all finally going to work out. However, I'm oblivious to the fact she might have taken some antidepressives in her time. So, she comes down pretty hard on me, begging me to quit them, feeling ultra sad for me, and I'm just unable to understand her point. She gives up on trying to change my mind, we end up having a fight and she says something like, "I've been living under its shadow for years", which startled me, so I set on to search the internet for more info.
And now I ran into this website. I cannot say how shocked I was to read some of these testimonials. I KNOW they are not lies. I've had antipsychotics before, I know how drugs can be. But my doctor had assured me those antidepressives were practically harmless. And now I find out not only are they addictive, but also the comedown is extremely harsh? That people have been taking them for over 5 years and are still sick, in fact, the drugs got them worse? I...
I'm feeling... I'm speechless. All hope, the insane, huge amount of hope, joy, satisfaction, relief I had deposit unto this, gone! And all the promises I've shared with my beloved girlfriend, who stood by much suffering by my side for such a long time, vanished. My parents, who have suffered for over 5 years seeing their only son fail repeatedly in life, who had just started to be hopeful about my recovery finally hapenning, now won't have any reasons to be cheerfully expecting changes in the horizon.
Am I overreacting on this one? Am I just a depressed kid who might need to try just a little harder to live his life?
Because the one reason that led me to write this post on these forums is how bad I could see I was, and how "myself" I felt when I took the drug.
I fear I might just have disappointed myself, strongly.
EDIT: After double-checking, the drug I'm taking is called "Duloxetine", but isn't that the same Cymbalta?