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Anxiety: My "bloggy" Random Thoughts


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#61 brzghoff

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Posted 16 December 2014 - 12:33 PM

anxiety kicked in big sunday. usual strategy - talking (no, yelling) back and telling anxiety to go to hell, staring it down and trying to get involved in an activity - while staying in the present (mindful awareness). i gave in and have taken kava kava a couple times. it works great for me and is not addictive and is a readily available nutraceutical. if you ever choose to take it - make your own decision based on your own research. there are claims it can cause liver damage, but there was nothing more than anecdotal reports about it in europe about 20 years ago. its been banned there but not in the US. one potential mitigating factor in those cases was a question of how the active ingredient was synthesized (use of acetone and other solvents) which are not used in the US supplies. water is used primarily, and sometimes alcohol (similar to how vanilla extract and such are created - not a significant amount). there was also a question of concurrent alcohol abuse in the cases in europe - as they involved "recreational use/abuse" of the kava kava. additionally, nothing other than the root should ever be consumed - no other part of the plant.  hundreds of thousands of south pacific users over the centuries do not have a history of such problems. thats where kava kava plant is from. for what its worth dr oz recommends herb pharm brand of the root powder in a capsule or as a tincture. however, its best consumed as ground root steeped as a tea. i take the caps. the result is a very mild/subtle calming effect. does not make you drowsy. its best used to get you to a point where you can work on the cognitive skills. it is not total relief. there is still work to do!

 

again, do your own research, i am no expert, just expressing my personal experience. 

 

the anxiety has also jacked up my blood pressure so i've been taking the clonidine every night the past few nights. 

 

such is the life of recovery. two steps forward, one step back. i know this won't last. 


#62 brzghoff

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Posted 21 December 2014 - 04:13 PM

i've discussed the cyclic nature of my post cymbalta experience between the mental and the physical symptoms. i am now noticing a cycle within the cycle - the vacillations between anxiety and depression. i guess a computer programmer would call that a subroutine ;-) my anxiety is starting to wane, but the depression seems to be rising up to take its place. at least with depression i feel i have something to work with. anxiety makes focusing on a task difficult because concentration is gone. its all about finding a way to alleviate the distress. this is where mindfullness can work wonders - but it often requires sitting down in a quiet place and getting in touch with your senses. its an acitivity that is conducive to relaxation but not real helpful when you need to get off your butt and get some work done. when the anxiety starts to calm down the relief brings me a brief feeling of joy - like you feel when your headache is finally gone! that is soon replaced by a growing depression. the angst is gone but the darkness is pervasive. its a feeling of walking through water. the last thing i want to do is get off my butt. however, my head is clearer - i just don't care. but that's something i can really work on. it takes will power. i decide i'm just going to get up and do it. whatever "it" is. in this case, today it was weeding around our pond. i didn't feel like it at all, but its something that needed to be done. otherwise the weeds start taking over the whole place - this is the south, there is no winter. so i dragged myself out of my chair, changed into my work clothes and sauntered out there. once i got focused and started yanking those plants out by their roots - i didn't notice the depression. its hard work, these are huge bushy plants, with thick woody stems, actually small trunks. i also helped my husband haul off a bunch of tree limbs he sawed down. it only took about an hour - but this is the best i've felt all week. 

 

it may not last but i'm not going to worry about that. i am feeling good now and that's all that matters - its all i've got.


#63 FiveNotions

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Posted 21 December 2014 - 06:51 PM

Awesome post, Brz!  I think back to when you first arrived here at the forum, and my my my .... how hard you've worked at healing, and how far you've come ... truly inspiring!


#64 brzghoff

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Posted 23 December 2014 - 08:02 PM

as is the cyclic nature, yesterday and today have been a bear. i have to think much of it is the holidays. somewhere else around here i mentioned in a post how i dislike the holdidays, not the idea of christmas itself, that i love, its the freakin' commercialism and materialism. i realize that's been going on 4-ever, but i get more cynical every year. its not that i have some concept that i must feel joy this time of year - i don't cop to that. however, i know that is a big issue for many during hannukah, christmas and new year's. it is tough for a variety of reasons. regardless, its my own faulty thinking that is "disturbing" me - why in the heck should i let the crassness of the media and madison avenue get to me? <sigh> 

 

its also other stuff as well, money is tight. the big story today is how the economy is booming but i don't feel it. however, that's pretty petty of me to allow that to get me down. its not that there is no hope. however, it is scary to feel this way and think about gettinga job. anxety isn't the best quality in a prospective employee. i see my husband start to think wistfully of his past and express in non direct ways regrets about his achievements in his career. i can see that he's being irrational, he's has accomplished a great deal and is very well respected in his field - but seeing him get down on himself brings me down too. as a result of these things its easy for me to allow every small thing to blow up into an anxious experience. 

 

well, i'm working on it. all that really matters is that my loved ones and myself are safe and loved. thats what i am trying to focus on now.

 

merry christmas everyone, i really do feel passionate about the idea of peace - within each human being. that's the only way we'll have peace on earth.


#65 fishinghat

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Posted 23 December 2014 - 08:35 PM

Merry Christmas to you as well brzghoff. May the new year bring out a new and better you.

 

Merry Christmas to all.


#66 gail

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Posted 23 December 2014 - 08:59 PM

Brz,

Just love the last paragraph, Peace within each human being.

It resonates with something deep inside me. Bad translation.

Have a good Christmas everyone!

#67 TryinginFL

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Posted 23 December 2014 - 09:11 PM

Wishing hope, peace and love to everyone...

 

Merry Christmas!!


#68 Laurahokie

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Posted 24 December 2014 - 09:10 PM

Brz-
I agree that anxiety and depression are very cyclical. Once you are so wound up with anxiety then your body crashes into depression.
I hate them both as I am sure you do, but I agree that depression may be better.

To me anxiety is feeling everything all at once where you cannot turn it off with sensory overload and depression is feeling nothing or dark and sad.

Besides imagery issues, social anxiety and OCD, anxiety causes me to overanalyze, feel indecisive abour everything and then to feel guilty about whatever I decided.

What has helped me a lot which I was relctant to try is yoga. I also meditate. My anxiety is a lot worse when I do not exercise. I also have found that being outdoors or taking on a project helps too. I think having a younger child forces me into exposure all the time.

Also- with looking for jobs, I am sure others do not notice your anxiety nearly as much as you do.

I know money may be an issue but have you ever had your neurotransmitters tested?

#69 Laurahokie

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Posted 24 December 2014 - 09:12 PM

Sorry about typos I am playing santa (putting together a mini trampoline) and multi- tasking. Okay Merry Christmas to all who celebrate.

#70 brzghoff

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 11:54 AM

thanks LH,

 

my husband and i do want to get into regular yoga practice. he is experienced, i am not. we walk about 2 miles at least 3 x a week, but would like to get off our butts and do it daily. i do meditate and practice minfullness. yes, it is truly helpful.

 

i know nothing about testing neurotransmitters. what does that involve? i know that blood levels do not have any significance to levels in the brain and how they impact our brain receptors since they don't cross the blood/brain barrier. 


#71 fishinghat

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 12:06 PM

A lot is being done with fMRIs. They measure blood flow in areas of the brain and that coorelates to neuroactivity. It provides a general feeling for the functioning and not so functioning of the brain neurons. I have attached a reference from wikipedia that gives a good discription of the procedure.

 

You are correct abouot the blood tests brzghoff.

 

 

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FMRI


#72 Laurahokie

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 02:13 PM

I had my neurotramsitters tested. Insurance doesn't cover it but since I see an integrative doctor he highly recommended it. Also since he is not profiting off of it and charged me exactly what the test cost, I felt good about it from the beginning. I originally was put on Cymbalta for obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety. Unlike some others, I had no pain issues but developed fibromyalgia at 30 after being on Cymbalta. The tested cost me $200 but it was extremely informative. My seratonin levels were off the charts.
When I told my psychiatrist about it she dismissed it like I was a hippie freak. I know there are good psychiatrists out there but this one was not a good fit for me and she agreed since I was interested in trying a more natural approach.

Anyways it does not make sense to pump me with an SSRI if my levels are off the charts. I take glutamine and that helped, because at the time my glutamine levels were very low. I will try to scan my results and post them somewhere so you all can see if that would be helpful.

I have now made it almost through the week of 35 mg. I start 30 mg of Cymbalta on Monday and I feel way less anxious. However, I am also under the integrative doctor's care and taking supplements that I think are helping.

For reference just if you were interested my doctors website to look at his opinion on diet etc. is www.alwayspeaceofmind.com

#73 Laurahokie

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 02:25 PM

Ps I should say, mine was a saliva test. I will ask for info to post.

#74 fishinghat

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 02:38 PM

LH

Interesting. The saliva test is accurate for seratonin levels in the GI tract but does not reflect seratonin levels in the brain. That does not mean it is of no value. Seratonin in the GI tract has a lot to do with the many GI problems we develop during anxiety. In addition, an ssri initially during the first two months elevates seratonin but after that it causes a decrease in both the body and the brain. This helps account for the fact that most ssri and snri take 4 to 8 weeks to have an effect.

 

Hang in htere with your weaning. We are pulling for you!!


#75 Laurahokie

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 04:55 PM

Hmm. Interesting thank you!

#76 brzghoff

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 01:56 AM

when nothing else works, try sheer will. sometimes it does the trick.

 

i set the alarm to go off at 4:40 am sat morn. wanted to watch the launch of the space-x rocket set for a 4:47 liftoff. an after-dark launch looks spectacular against the central florida night sky. alarm went off, i sat up, pulled up the nasa web site on my phone, watched the countdown and looked out the window by my bed - beautiful! i was tired, but it was worth getting jarred awake in the middle of the night to see that glowing ember fly out of sight. a few moments later i hear the roar of the rocket - the time delay the result of the slower speed of sound from 40 miles away. i always feel like a kid when i watch a launch. it was all over in a matter of minutes and i was beat having slept only a couple hours. only, now... as tired as i was, i couldn't get back to sleep. i lay there for over two hours. i finally got up, went downstairs and let the cats in (and out and in and out and in...) and flaked out on the couch hoping a change in environment might help. two more hours, no luck. 

 

at 9am my husband came downstairs and we started discussing our plans for the day, which were to help his brother paint his beach house for his birthday. i was irritable, frustrated, anxious and depressed because of how i felt from the lack of sleep. i was feeling miserable and piling it on thick - i was preparing myself for a totally terrible day and was getting ready to trash my plans to "protect" myself from the "stress". i was about to talk my husband out of us driving out to the coast. but i didn't. i realized i had a choice. i could isolate myself at home wrapped up in my doubt, negative concepts and insecurities - or - i could get up, put on my painting clothes, hop in the car and drive to the beach, with my doubt, negative concepts and insecurities, but also ready to paint.

 

i chose the latter. i knew that staying home might seem easier and "safe" but it would not reduce my mood and my anxiety - i would be surrendering to it. i decided that going to my brother in law's house might not help either, but at least it was something to do - and there was the possibility i could feel better. its my anxiety, its my depression.... and its MY LIFE! who's driving this bus anyway? i get to make the rules! besides, what have i got to lose? 

 

well, the three of us got the top coat done (was already primed) in four hours. the house looks great. it was an absolutely gorgeous sunny, breezy, 65° day! i forgot all about the anxiety and the depression was gone. i even enjoyed kicking back with a brew afterwards while enjoying our handy work. 

 

it was a great day.


#77 TryinginFL

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 09:18 AM

brz,

 

Have no more "likes" but loved your post!  Bravo!  Happy you had a great day after all!! :D


#78 Laurahokie

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 10:16 PM

I had a similar experience almost canceling my birthday dinner with family. I was feeling overwhelmed irritable and anxious from lack of sleep too. I started saying maybe I am not strong enough, maybe cymbalta is good for my anxiety, maybe I should just up my dosage or call my doctor.

My husband said to me, you have a plan to go out with family. You have a plan to get off this drug. you felt this anxious before while on Cymbalta. You can push through and I promise it will het better, so I did and it got somewhat better.

I am jealous of the weather there. However, I am at peace with the snow covered grass.

I told my family if I start to cancel plans and miss work here or there, I will feel guilty, lonely, isolated, like I am setting a bad example for my son, so that keeps me going. As bad as my anxiety has been since I was a teenager, only rarely do mental health days work for me unless I physically had to have one or feel I have met my responsibilities.
Anyways- I am happy you fought through it and inspired by your determination.

#79 Laurahokie

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 10:19 PM

Dont get me wrong, I am a fan of rest and relaxation and vacation and lazy days. However, I don't do well when I am tired and stressed about being tired and want to just freeze time and hide away. I have done that before and feel worse. I realized what i wrote made it sound like it was bad to take it easy.

#80 brzghoff

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 11:25 PM

The weather is great a lot right now but for eight months of the year it's over 90 most days and real humid ugh

Tomorrow is the biggest day yet for me...drumroll... Jury duty!

We'll see what adventure that brings!

#81 Laurahokie

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 05:32 AM

Good luck! Humidity stinks no pun intended :)

#82 gail

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 07:34 AM

Brz,

90 degrees with humidity for eight months!!! I would go nuts, can't stand the hot and humid days.

May I ask in what part of the world you live?

Laura, sounds as though you have a wonderful partner. Real not easy to make a move when feeling this anxiety, and you pushed through. Good move.

I often find myself in this situation, and have to kick myself to move. Once I get in motion, I feel better most of the time.

#83 brzghoff

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 12:13 PM

jury duty a big snoozer. never got called, sent me home after three hours. good!

 

gail, i live in central florida. however, one of the hottest times i ever spent was back in 2011 in iroquois, ontario - close to 35°C/96°F. mosquitos were the size of birds. montreal wasn't much better ;-). the worst part is nobody has air conditioning up there! however, i know your summers are very short. 


#84 fishinghat

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 12:21 PM

Hey B, didn't you know? The mosquito is Ontario's state bird!!  lol

 

I occasionally watch one of the fishing shows from Canada. In the summer the mosquitos and black flies are so thick it can be hard to see what the fisherman are doing. Really.


#85 TryinginFL

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 12:24 PM

Blechhhh...... :o


#86 gail

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 12:28 PM

Thanks Brz, was wondering if you were living in the jungle somewhere.

Given the location on your avatar!!!

Summers are short, the best time is may and June here. Well you know the place, hilly and mountainy.

Good for you, no jury duty. Again, love your blog.

#87 TryinginFL

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 01:08 PM

Gail...

 

I am not too far from brz - same jungle!  Hot and Humid!! :(


#88 gail

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 04:14 PM

Liz, I would definitely lose it.

I guess that I will stop complaining about our winters here and the days that I have to remove the f****g snow off the car 4 or five times.

A snowy jungle, a jungle is a jungle...♥

#89 FiveNotions

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Posted 13 January 2015 - 07:45 AM

I grew up in the Adirondack mountain area, and my dad was a major fly fishing addict, used to take me out with him ... he and his fishing buddies used to say that there were really 5 seasons .... spring, summer, winter, fall and ... black fly ... that's when they tended to do their "fishing" indoors ... in their favorite beer joint ... ah, the good ol' days, hanging out with dad, fishing and in beer joints ... the things I learned ... :P


#90 thismoment

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Posted 13 January 2015 - 07:59 PM

Lake Placid, the American Garden of Eden.





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