41 replies to this topic

[cocopah40]

Hi, so this is my first time writing on this forum.  I stopped Cymbalta 60 mg COLD TURKEY.  I was in a car accident, got a mild concuscion, totaled the vehicle and had to leave my job.  So, no insurance, can't afford the refills.  Anyway, it has been horrible since November, the emotions are out of control.  The crying, sadness, loneliness, down moods is just all over the place.  I am a mess!!! My poor husband is trying to help me but I am so angry, full of rage that he doesn't even stand a chance.  

I am not willing to go back on any antidepressants.  I was on Lexapro for 4-5 years then was having breakthroughs.  Switched to Cymbalta for a few years, I think 3 or so and that was ok, not still feeling great.  Then the car accident happened.  Now I am jobless, but finally got a car to replace the one that was totaled.  I live in Maine so when there isn't a vehicle you can't go far. 

 

I don't find any hope joy or happiness in anything.  I know going cold turkey was not the best way to do this but when there is not any money there wasn't a choice.  

 

So, here I am at just about three months and maybe every 3-4 days I will find a moment of peace.  My mind spins constantly with horrible sad thoughts.  When I do find that moment of peace it is soon vanished by my terrible feelings of doom and gloom. 

 

I hate feeling like this.  I just had to vent to see if "This too shall pass".................oh praying hasn't helped either.   

 

I know I sound pitiful, lost, lonely and confused.  That would be because I feel like that.................

[thismoment]

Hi Coco

 

Sorry to hear about your car accident. And cold-turkey is a bear; I can see that you are hurting.

 

Your exposure to these drugs would be considered long-term (Escitalopram [Lexapro] for 4-5 years and Duloxetine [Cymbalta] for 3 years), and that has an effect of recovery times. There is no real science on this, but this is what the anecdotal data seems to indicate; there is also some correlation with age-- older folks appear to have more protracted discontinuation than younger folks.

 

You are 3 months out and beginning to find some peace every few days-- that's great because if you recall your first 6 weeks there was likely no peace to be had! And yes, your moments of peace (distraction) will soon be overtaken by "doom and gloom" when your brain returns to worrying and criticizing itself.

 

I know you hate feeling the way you do-- I recall feeling like that too! That feeling of lost, lonely, and confused is real: just let it in-- you can't make it go away by thinking about it. But there is a way to create spaces in the anguish-- you must find some distractions that capture your attention: if your brain can focus on other things even for a short time-- that brief hiatus is peace.

 

Yes it will pass eventually, but don't assign a fixed time-line to your discontinuation-- it's done when it's done; it's like waiting for the sun to rise: the sky gradually gains light. If you focus on it, it seems endless. But if you set to work at something else, suddenly the sun is rising in the sky.

 

You will have many questions. Fire away; hopefully we can help.

 

Take care Coco.

[cocopah40]

Hi 

Thank you for understanding how I feel.  It is nice to know I am not really going crazy...............just slightly.  

I argue back and forth with myself to go another antidepressant but I don't want to.  I feel it could help but to go through this if I had to stop again would be a big mistake. 

 

I try and keep myself busy.  I have been doing all kinds of projects around the house.  As I don't have a job as of yet, we have had snow storm one after another and again today. So I am stuck inside.  Not a good thing for me. 

 

I am glad to know there is some hope.  I feel so hopeless at times I just cry. 

I will keep reading this as I know I am not alone.  

 

I am on the law suit list with Eli Lily and hope to hear from the lawyer soon.  What a shame Eli Lily never mentioned how destructive this medication is. 

 

Thank you again for helping me breathe a bit easier.  I will keep it in the front of my mind when all is spinning out of control.  

Coco

[TryinginFL]

Welcome, Coco!

 

We're happy that you have found our caring, supportive forum!

 

I, too, went cold turkey off of 60mg last Jan. and it has been a year that I sure don't want to repeat!  You received some wonderful information from ThisMoment - he is a wealth of knowledge on this forum!

 

I'm happy to hear that you are occasionally experiencing some good moments - they will continue sometimes for hours, then a day at a time and then several days in a row.  It will continually get better, but as TM mentioned, age is a factor it seems.  Those of us over 50 seem to have a longer and more difficult time.

 

I'm sorry about your accident - good that you are working through this.

 

Please let us know how we can help you - we are always here for you!

[cocopah40]

Hi Tryinin Fl, 

 

Thanks for the words of hope.  I am working on trying to keep my mind off of the crap that is running rampart in my head.  I have to say out loud to SHUT UP!!!  Sometimes it last a millisecond, sometimes a second.  

 

Yes my age, I am 58, and that I am 15 pounds overweight doesn't help.  I can work on the weight to get it out of the fat cells but the age is out of my control.  Too bad!!!

 

I am trying to get a job, not many in Maine.................as that will get me out of the house.  Not a good time of year to  go through this as winters are LONG and can be miserable for my mind. 

 

Yes the accident was awful, I had to leave my job as no way to get there.  Maybe this was my message from God to get my life in a different direction?  Not sure but things don't happen "just because"

 

I appreciate the look of hope there is as time goes on.   

 

Thank you for caring when no one else gets it.

 

Coco 

[fishinghat]

Sometimes I think the Lord gives use these challenges to remind us we need Him and 'No' we are not in control. Keep praying and being patient.

[TryinginFL]

Coco,

 

Don't worry about the weight!  I gained 30 lbs and almost all of it is gone now.  I found out that the longer the discontinuation went on, the less I ate - just no appetite!  I eat good things, but just not very much now. 

 

I understand about the job - maybe when you are feeling a bit better (and the snow is almost gone!) you might like to try some volunteer work.  It will at least get you out of the house, as this will help.  Just focusing on something - anything - except this horrid withdrawal will be beneficial.  I hope that your husband is supportive - I live alone and going through this was hell!

 

I wish you well and please come back to let us know how you are doing - or ask questions or rant - whatever you need to do!

 

Liz

[cocopah40]

Hi again, 

 

I am praying, then I don't, as I give up, then I do, and back and forth.  I feel like I pray so much that I am overwhelmed.  If not anything I am learning to be patient.  Not so good today at being patient.................

 

TryininFL, yes my husband is trying to be supportive but I am not very good at being nice.  My mouth never says anything nice and all I seem to do is complain about everything.  I am not sure how or why he does what he does.  

 

I have thought of volunteering as it will get me out.  Until the snow has slowed down even that is not possible.  I have cleaned every room in my house, shampooed carpets, washed windows, blinds, you name it I cleaned it.  I am trying to watch a movie, read a book or something to keep my mind still but that is a challenge also. 

 

I just sit and cry over nothing and everything.  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  My days drag on, I have a hard time sleeping and when I do the slightest sound wakes me up and then my mind starts all over again.  I force myself to go back to sleep.  I fight to sleep until 8am.  The day is too long to wake up any earlier. 

 

As far as the weight, it is hard to stay focused when I can't even get out to walk around the block.  It seems like for anything I could do there is a reason I can't do it.  The worst season to live in Maine...............what was I thinking leaving California to move here????

 

Ok, enough of my belly aching, I appreciate the strength you are all giving me to carry on.  I will get through this, one second at a time, kicking and screaming if need be but I will survive this.  God Willing!!

 

Coco

[fishinghat]

"I will get through this, one second at a time, kicking and screaming if need be but I will survive this."

 

I think we all felt like that at the beginning of our withdrawal. Do try and realize that this is the withdrawal making you this way. It is not you. You are not that kind of person. Don't let the withdrawal put pressure on you. The more you let it get to you the worse the withdrawal will be. Go easy on yourself Coco. It will pass.

 

And, oh yea, the 'belly aching' is part of this madness. It helps to get things out of your system. People on this forum were here to help us when we needed to complain and now we are here to help others. We don't mind at all.

 

God bless

[thismoment]

Coco

 

There's an easier way than 'kicking and screaming', and that is to just accept it. It is what it is and you can't stop it-- you can only make it worse. Just accept it and it will pass sooner than creating the additional stress associated with fighting it.

 

It's good that you are busy in the house because a lot of us couldn't move and we flopped on the couch for a couple of months! And doing nothing to contribute to the home makes us all feel worse. You are fostering your dignity which is the foundation of your spirit: keep working at stuff; stay clean; dress nice to suit your good taste; do your makeup as you would to please yourself; keep standing up for yourself; and let your thoughts run because you can't control the content or the volume. Accept it.

 

Crying. Accept it too, and let it flow right down to the ground; just let it go! Don't fight it. It may exhaust you, but it is the ultimate emotional cleansing.

 

Are you taking a benzodiazepine? If so-- which one; what dosage; how long have you been taking it?

 

Take care.

[cocopah40]

Hi to This Moment and Fishinghat,

 

Thank you for writing to me, I feel much better knowing I am not in this alone.  

 

TM no, I am taking anything.  I don't want to as I want to get this out of my system to never to return to such a nightmare.  Your words are so enlighting.  I will do it easier as I know I make it harder>  The more I resist the more it persists.  I know this somehow forgot those words.  As far as crying well I can just think of one thing and the tears flow, good to know it is ok as a cleansing.  You have no idea how much this helps me.  Thank you 

 

Fishinghat I love how you make me feel that the belly aching is part of it. I am going to be aware of not having the pressure of "having to get past this at this moment".  I will be easier on myself and just knowing this forum has given me friends to express this to has made it a bit more acceptable.  

 

Thank you both so much for the caring and words of wisdom.

 

God Bless you also, 

Coco

 

 

[Clara]

Hi coco! Just arrived at this conversation, sorry for not being here with my support. Hang in there dear one, it does get better and don't give up praying. Our wonderful heavenly Father wants to hear from us! Prayer, my forum friends 1and my husband has gotten me this far, and I continue to press forward after one year + being off C. God bless you! Hugs and prayers

[cocopah40]

Hi, 

 

 I am happy to say today has been a good day so far.  I went and got my hair cut (Thank You "This Moment" for the reminder), did some shopping for new little stuff for the house.  It was good to be out, felt different as if I was in a distant place.  But good none the less.  

 

I am so glad to feel this today.  It gives me hope that there is a good chance for more days like this.  

 

I FINALLY have a job interview tomorrow, it is only part time, but that is ok as I need to start off slow.  This is all a new experience for me, doing a job, being around people without anything in my system.  I feel unsure but excited just the same. 

 

Clara, it is always great to read support no matter when I read it.  I am slowly getting back to my prayers.  At first it was all too much, I was choking on it.  Felt like nothing was happening.  I backed off, and now I feel "less is more".  So, I do have my faith, that I never lost, I pushed it away, but never completely.  I also have a great husband who God has blessed with patients, a perfect love for me, and kindness beyond words.  I am so blessed to have him to go through this with me.  I don't know how he does it but I am glad he does.  Even if I can't stand him at times............  

Thank you I will take your hugs and prayers with open arms.  

 

I would like everyone to know I am ok today...................one moment at a time, learning to be ok with this moment and not look ahead.  

 

Thank you all for your help, support, words of hope, encouragement, and most importantly the love you share to someone who started out as a stranger and now feels like a best friend.  Thank you!!!!

 

Coco

[thismoment]

Coco

 

Wonderful post!! I am so happy for you! 

 

"I feel unsure but excited at the same time." This is a perfect description of how it feels to be on a blind date with oneself. How cool is that? 

 

It's good to know you are in a compassionate, loving relationship; that's half the battle.

[cocopah40]

Good Morning my friends, 

 

Last night I had three nightmares, the first one woke me right up with  my heart pounding some crazy wolf was chasing me in my yard, my neighbor screaming for me to run..............the second two were lots and lots of people at my house, which I spent the past months cleaning, and were making a huge mess everywhere.  I woke up so upset..............

 

But now that I but the pieces together I know they had to do with things that happened in the day time.  The wolf was from a dog that was in the auto shop I was in earlier in the day.  He was sniffing and nipping at me..............the dog became the wolf.  The clean house and the mess was just a reminder of how much work I put into keeping myself busy being home.  All the people were from a movie I watched where there were lots and lots of people in it.  See what happens when I watch a movie then go right to bed the movie keeps playing.  

 

Today is going to be good as I am going to meet my husband for lunch, then my interview at 3.  More reasons to be out and about.  

 

We survived the freezing cold of last night (here in Maine), now we are to have a huge snow storm Sun, Mon until Tues...................Great just what we need MORE snow..................

 

I hope and pray to keep these good feels happening.  If it makes sense to me then I can do anything. Knowing what to expect of the symptoms I can do something about it.  The NOT knowing is what is the worst and kept me down and out.  Reading this forum has explained to me what is going on so now I can get on with my life.................  

 

As always, so grateful for the kindness I feel from hearing from everyone.   

Thank you!!!

Coco

[cocopah40]

Hello to everyone! 

 

I want to say I have been ok lately.  I am somewhat sad today.  It is still frickin cold here in Maine...............another blizzard coming Sunday.  Enough to make the world seem even further away.  

 

I have been staying stable for the past week and then two days ago started to get sad again.  I have some job possibilites that could happen in the next month or so...............but in the mean time it is hard to be home climbing the walls. 

 

I feel like I have run out of things to keep myself busy, cleaned the house, read, watched movies, even drew a mural for my great niece.  I feel like what else can I do????  

 

I walk from room to room and can't come up with anything to do.................I can't sleep to even pass the time. 

 

I just wanted to say this and how much I am working on keeping my head out of the blackness and tears.  

 

I hope at least Valentine's Day is a good one for some of us..................I did get flowers from my husband.  Sadly I bitched about spending money we don't have.  Then I felt horrible and guilty about being ungrateful.  Thank God he understands where I am coming from.  I just get crazy with somethings and shoot off my mouth before I think of the reaction.  Sometimes I make myself crazy when I need to just BE!

 

Thanks for listening,

Coco

[fishinghat]

You pretty much said it all Coco. The mind knows what it is all about but can't control it. You just need to ride it out and be patient.

 

God Bless

[Clara]

Hang in there coco! We've been there and it's tough, but it DOES get better!

[cocopah40]

Thank you Fishin Hat and Clara I am working on this.......................just can't control the tears today.  I just sit and cry over everything and nothing...............

At least it is the weekend coming up and my husband will be here for company.  Being alone is NOT good for me at all..................This Too Shall Pass!!!!

[TryinginFL]

coco,

 

So sorry for where you are today.  I know, that crying stuff was miserable.  You are fortunate to have your husband for support.  My 2 dogs did their best, staying right at my side when I did that crying crap - it really sucked!

 

I know it seems hard to believe, but it WILL get better!!

 

Hang in there and stay right here with us.

[cocopah40]

I would like to know if anyone at anytime feels like their mind is split in two?? I battle my thoughts all the time, I am going from wanting to do all kinds of good things for myself to get out of this down ward spiral then the other part of me just wants nothing I have no desire for anything, nothing sounds good, there is no reason to do anything and on and on and on.  I am in such a crying phase I can't stop.  

 

Has anyone felt like there are two separate minds at the time same time.  Am I playing games with myself?   I talk to myself like I want to do this on purpose then I beat myself up for being so stupid.   I talk about wanting to help myself and know I have the strength to do that then I cave in and do nothing.............. I feel like I am totally out of control.  I know I battled myself which is why I went on antidepressants before. This is such crazymaking.  

 

I don't know what to do besides cry. My husband has come up with all kinds of ideas for me to do but I can't get out of my own way.  I was feeling ok for about three days then hit bottom.  I am a total mess................

 

I know LOTS of tears are over our son who told us two years ago to stay away from him.  I am still devasted from that message he sent.  He was my world.  I am totally at a loss as to why he won't have anything to do with us.  I can and do cry constantly over this.  I did find out from a family member, they saw on facebook, that he is two years sober.  He got married, has a new home, and a dog.  All of which I am not a part of.  The heartache I feel over this is beyond my control my heart is shattered and feels like it will never be whole again.  Which does not help with going through the withdrawal effects. 

 

I was feeling the sadness of our son even on Cymbalta.  My husband and I have tried to make every attempt to figure out what happened.  But no anwers were ever made clear.  I tried to be ok with it then like a volcano the emotions from losing him are exploding.  

 

I am hoping this is all part of the withdrawal and clearing the emotions are a good thing.  But these past few days have been so sad, lost, lonely and my head is spinning.  All I do is lay on the couch and cry.  I didn't feel like this the first couple months but it is hitting me hard now.  I am just about three months out and want to totally give up.  I am so exhausted of feeling like nothing, worthless, sad, and any and all negative emotions I can come up with to say about myself. 

 

I am trying to get a job, which is so hard this time of year.  There aren't even minimum wage jobs I am getting a respond from.  This doesn't help with my self esteem.  Then I think maybe this is a good thing as how could I deal with working if I can't even face myself in the mirror.  Just another issue to add to the pile of crap swirling in my mind.

 

I just wanted to vent this out.  I hope the next time I am writing it will be from a clear spot in my head.  Like the blizzard in Maine, my head is just whirling around but black instead of white..............................

 

Bummer day!!!

[TryinginFL]

coco,

 

I am so sorry for the terrible time you are having.  I truly understand - the crying gets worse as we think of things that would make us cry even when not in this hell of withdrawal.  I get your feelings regarding your son - that is a sad thing in and of itself.  My heart goes out to you.  I lost my daughter 5 1/2 years ago and when in the throes of this hideous withdrawal, of course the thoughts all surfaced again since I was no longer being numbed by the crap drug. I know it sounds repetitive, but you are only 2 weeks into this, right?  It seems as if it will go on forever, but it really won't.

 

Everything that you're feeling we have been through and managed to make it and you will get there too.  Patience is so difficult at this point.  I remember thinking that I was dying at different times due to these negative effects - at the very least, I thought that I was losing my mind.

 

I came on this forum to vent often and the wonderful people here talked to me and helped me through it.  I know that we can help you.  Please give this more time - definitely a hard thing to do, and I hope that your husband remains supportive and realizes that this is the drug, not you, causing all of these nasty things.  Have you asked him to read some of the posts here?  It might help him to read about the problems of others.  You are definitely not alone here.

 

Please stay with us and if you need to just come here to vent, it's OK.  This is a safe place and we have all done it.

 

Hugs and prayers for you, coco

 

Liz

[cocopah40]

Hi Liz, 

thanks for the words to encourage me that I am not losing my mind...............

 

No, I have been off Cymbalta since November, when the car accident happened, lost my job and no insurance.  Cold Turkey!!!!  I have only been on this site for two weeks.  It feels like an eternity..........................I was surprised when I saw it was only two weeks ago I started to write/vent here. 

 

I hope things have resolved with your daughter.  Maybe there is hope in this for me with our son.  Yes, my husband knows of the forum, not sure if he has read anyones posts.  I will have to ask him if he would want to......  in between the tears!!!!

 

I am trying to be patient, funny how hard it is to find when I need it the most.  

 

Thank you for your kindness, I do know this will pass but boy is it brutal in the meantime. 

 

Hugs and prayers back to you for your kindness and support.  

Coco 

[Clara]

coco, Please hang in there and try hard to be patient with yourself. The emotional ups and downs are all apart of the w/d process. I do realize how hard it is trying to be patient, but you will get through this. I am so sorry about the distance with your son. I have gone through some of that myself. I wish I had some great wise words to offer. I can say that lots of prayer and trusting God to help me with all my "stuff" has gotten me through the hardest of times. My heart certainly goes out to you! I will be praying for you and your family!

[TryinginFL]

coco,

 

My apologies for not going back to see that you started all of this in November.  I just went back and re-read your initial post. 

 

At this approximately 3 1/2 month point, you are close to feeling a few hours of good mixed in with the bad.  The hours will turn into a day here and there and it should get better from then on. It will be followed by a few days at a time and then when you are least expecting it, the good days will outnumber the bad.  It will happen!

 

Prayers for you,

 

Liz

[DoneWithCrap]

Hi Coco

I have been off for around 3 months too. I did do the bead counting so I didn't have to deal with the horrors of cold turkey.

I have been very tearry this past week. I think it is the three month bump. I understand that there will also be a 4 month bump so I know what to expect. I can't wait till I hit the 6 month off mark as that is commonly the "over the hill" for many but everyone is different and I'm not really counting days, I'm just taking them one at a time. I feel so guilty when I'm crying in front of my kids. I try to stay away from them so they don't see my tears. Then I feel guilty that I'm avoiding my kids.

I have been reading this forum for several months now but I still didn't know about all the crying that we do after a few months off.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Now I know I'm not the only one

[TryinginFL]

I just want to share that I still have occasional crying spells - they are short, but uncontrollable just the same.  I find myself crying easily as my feelings seem so much more intense now.   I have been off for 13 months and yes, it still happens.

 

No, you are not alone...

[cocopah40]

Good Morning, 

So another lousy weekend.  I feel bad I ruined it for my husband, I was in such a funk. I sit on the couch and it takes all my strength to just breathe.  I still feel sad.  I wake at the slightest sound and can't go back to sleep.  I wonder what am I going to do for the next 12 hours...................

 

I go in circles, I cry as I feel bad for my guilt of ruining time.  My husband tries to come up with ideas I just push away.  Then I feel bad I was mean, or not interested.  Then I cry for doing this..............what a stupid cycle.  Not even sure if this is from the withdrawal or was I like this and that is why I went on the meds to begin with. I feel so lost and confused......................

 

I do appreciate the words I read here, yet, I still dread the day.  I am looking into volunteering at the local hospital.  Maybe it will get me out more and around people will help.  Not even sure I want to do that, I am not good company. 

 

I feel so negative!  BLAH!!!!

It is 6am a long day ahead and I am already done for the day............................

[DoneWithCrap]

Cocopah40, you just described my weekend.

At least you clean your house. I look around, get overwhelmed and go back into the mom cave.
My "mom cave", as my children call it, is a chair in the corner of the family room. There is a sofa table against the wall. I have my chair right in front of the sofa table, and the piano is on the other side of my chair. The sofa table is piled high with unfinished "ideas" that I started making but never finished like croched slippers for my daughter. They are done but I decided to line them with fuzzy yarn on the inside. I got half of one done. This was a gift for Christmas of 2013. She doesn't even live at home anymore lol.

I spend a lot of time in my office, aka: the bathroom. Usually sitting on the pot doing Sudoko or Kakuro or any other numer puzzle I can get my hands on. I spent hours at a time in there. Good thing we have 4 toilets in our house. I do these puzzles because they are the only thing I feel that I can do right. It builds my self esteeme to know that I can solve an extremely difficult game....how lame is that?! If I have a hard time solving a puzzle, I know I'm not thinking clearly and will have a bad day.

[Clara]

coco, My heart aches for you! I wish I could make it all better, but this is something you must endure, but you will see brighter days!! Keep coming here for whatever you need, I certainly did! It helps just to get all the negativity out and we get it! Hugs and prayers!