3 replies to this topic

[brzghoff]

i quit cymbalta on 5/15/2014

 

its been a year. so what is different?

 

the fibro-like aches and pains are gone

the out and out terror is gone

sleep is not great, but much better

my husband and i are getting along much better - but there is still work to do

 

when under stress, anxiety is still a huge challenge. otherwise its a pesky thorn in my side. it is the anxiety that is at the root of all other "symptoms" that i still feel:

 

confusion

lack of mental clarity

inability to concentrate

frustration

cannot multi-task

poor memory

lack of awareness

cry easily

anger easily

intense behavior

loud/shouting

stiff neck

headaches

 

 

do i blame cymbalta or cold turkey withdrawal for all this? not directly. the stress/anxiety/inability to cope cycle is behavior i learned growing up in my family but did not recognize it for what it was. prior to taking anti-d's anxiety did not cause the heart palpitations, shallow breathing, gastro distress and other physical manifestations. i didn't feel like something bad was imminent or on the verge of a panic attack or losing my mind. i just got depressed. very depressed. unable-to-function depressed. i started therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist put me on various meds: which is how i eventually ended up on cymbalta and lamictal - the latter i still take

 

the meds, including cymbalta, masked it all - which is really all an antidepressant can do. it took yeaaas to find the right therapist so i didn't develop good coping skills at the outset. i wasn't prepared for what i would encounter when i finally quit. when i did, the anxiety returned, but after 18 years of being on anti-d's, it manifested differently - fear, physical symptoms that describe the more classic variety of anxiety. however, it was all new to me.

 

i have had a job in corporate tech sales since february and its very difficult to cope. i am under a tremendous amount of stress - i put myself there - its my anxiety. i have never felt so much stress in my life. funny thing is, in reality i am in a much better situation then i was with my last job.  difference is… no anti-d. 

 

my choice: be numb and fat, but be better able to manage life… or eliminate the mental pain killer, lose the weight and live at the edge of freaking out. i have done tons of therapy and after finding the right therp it helps, it really does. if i hadn't i'd be dead. i am coming to accept that for the rest of my life i will likely live with the physical and mental symptoms of anxiety to some degree. that is my "normal". relaxing and having the ability to "just be" is no more a reality than steven hawking getting up from his wheelchair and walking. of course its a "choice" of sorts. this IS my "creation" it is a learned behavior - but will take a life time to "unlearn"

 

so meds or no meds? i wrestle with that possibility every day. however i do not blame cymbalta or any other drug for my current condition. i am simply feeling anxiety differently than prior to being on anti-d's. after 18 years of being on one drug or another, the underlying symptoms of anxiety change - but don't manifest until the drugs are out of the system. they were masked. i started taking clonidine last fall to help me sleep. stopped a couple months ago but recently started taking it again, at night only, and not every night. i can't take it during the day, knocks me out

 

will you end up the same way? not likely - we are all different. if you weren't depressed or suffered other mental disorders prior to cymbalta, then you'll be okay in the long run. if you did, good chance you'll feel the anxiety and/or depression again. but it may "feel" very different than before.

 

 that is what i have learned a year after being off cymbalta.

 

 

oh yeah,

 

anti-depressants allowed me to drink to great excess - can't feel it when you're already numb. i also smoked a lot of pot. since quitting, i can barely tolerate more than a half a beer and pot cranks my anxiety into high gear with a single toke. so i guess anti-depressants are a "gateway" drug

[thismoment]

brz

 

Thank you for the update. I was approximately where you are at a year out, and I have to tell you that things continue to improve; I'm at 33 months now and many things have improved since the 12 month-mark.

 

At 12 months your list was pretty much my list-- but since then, my mood has levelled off and there are no more excursions; I can concentrate; my mind is clear . . . the only things on the list that remain are headache and stiff neck. Massage therapy works well for those!

 

You said,  "of course its a "choice" of sorts. this IS my "creation" it is a learned behavior - but will take a life time to "unlearn""

I have to disagree: You didn't set out to create the mind-state you have-- there was no 'intent', therefore there can be no guilt. Also, if it's a 'learned' behaviour, you acquired it most likely through emulation and embedded it through practice-- again you're not responsible for having mulled over a list of choices and then picked a troubled mind-state off that list-- also no guilt.

 

But I do agree you can "unlearn' or re-train some behaviours/practices/beliefs that lead to outcomes in the world. Sam Harris said, "We are all agents of change." It would be impossible to remain who you are even for an hour; you're changing, and you can influence the rate and direction.

 

But the reality is, here you are-- and the spectre of "unlearning" anything looms large and formidable and is most easily done by children-- but you CAN make changes. As you know, the way we learn things is through practice, repetition, and ultimately the altering of belief. This is the process of building new history, upon which your mind is built to make it what is.

 

It's impossible to wholesale become someone else, but in tiny steps we do this changing naturally, every day-- but it's possible to speed it up some.

 

I wish you continued success! As an anxiety-sufferer I can relate to what you are saying. 

 

Take care.

[brzghoff]

thanks thismoment, you always seem to say the right thing. 

 

as for my reference to anxiety being a choice, i don't feel any guilt about it. its a reference to how it is a learned behavior - i let it happen through what i tell myself. yes, circumstances in life exposed me to the anxiety that i ended up developing - much of it by example from parents and other adult family members. li was taught lots of "concepts" that i must challenge on a daily basis

[thismoment]

brz

 

I posted something you might like under a new topic called Primacy.