2 replies to this topic

[jmconner]

I just thought I'd give an update on what I'm experiencing, and welcome others to chime in and let me know what you think might be next for me.

 

At the end of March I took my last 20 mg pill. (This was after a quick taper from 60 to 40 to 20, following my doctor's orders.) I had been on 60 mg. for about 5 years.

 

Things have definitely gotten better 2 and 1/2 months later. I no longer experience crippling periods of anxiety. Taking their place are these periods of uncomfortable unease. But as each week passes I can see a modicum of progress there. I"m assuming that over the next several months that will go away entirely.

 

The worst symptom for me now is the fatigue. I'm fine until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Then I can hardly sit up anymore. The good news is that this fatigue went from being all day, to starting at around 10 am, to starting at around noon, and then to where it is now. So I'm seeing progress there, too.

 

I still feel like I have a ways to go before I feel "good." My brain is strangely sore much of the time. It doesn't hurt exactly -- not at all like it did. But I just always have this dull soreness.

 

I also feel like I'm still in shock -- but coming out of it. For 6 to 8 weeks after taking my last pill I lived in a painful, surreal hell. I actually wonder if I'm experiencing some symptoms of PTSD right now. For example, there are places around my home (mostly stores) where I have horrible memories associated with those weeks, and it's difficult for me to go to those places now because they remind me of those darkest and darkest weeks. There are also songs that I listened to during those weeks that overwhelm me to listen to right now. I feel like I've been severely traumatized and that I'm just going to have to be very gentle with myself as I continue to get beyond both the physical symptoms and the emotional upheaval. Wow. What a nightmare.

[gail]

JM,

Your last paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks.

I, indeed felt the same and still am experiencing it. I don't like going places I went during that time, reminds me of the horror I went through.

Of all the times I forced myself going, lets say to the woods for mushrooms, I still feel the anguish I felt then. Not 100% but a lot.

I also feel that this is like PTSD. Traumatized, yes. And it will take time for me to forget the anguish I felt then.

You are not alone here, be gentle, and let time pass. I'm almost ready to go back to that beautiful wood, the thought of it brings it all back, but i will do it. I so understand you.

[thismoment]

jm

 

Thank you for that fabulous post-- it's insightful, vivid, and bang-on!

 

I quite agree with you and Gail-- this experience creates deep memory that-- when re-visited-- unfolds like the wings of a large, strange moth. PTSD is a good term for this, and in general I feel like PTSD is a living force within the human condition-- we endure a lot of trauma throughout our lives.

 

I'd say you're doing well at 3 months out, and you can look forward to much more improvement and better times ahead!!

 

I'm sure you'll agree that the recuperation we endure from this event is convalescence in the truest sense-- we've been in a crash of sorts, a kind of broad-scale train-wreck at the cellular level. 

 

Healing seems metered out by eye-dropper onto a vast trauma where everything hurts.