This has been the hardest 3 months of my life. (And that's saying something.) I have trusted doctors. I've lost count of how many times a doctor has said, "Don't worry, this will work, this will make it better," and then it does the opposite, it makes everything worse.
I did not want to increase my Cymbalta to 90 mg, but had no choice as my doctor wouldn't write for a lower amount. At first 90 seemed to be OK. Although not long after starting, I noticed I was waking up with my heart pounding and throughout the day, any standing up or doing any activity makes my heart race. I'm talking, like 3 beats per second. It's still doing this. I also have heart palpitations and sweating. But the worst is, as exhausted as I get, it is hard to get sleepy. When I do go to bed, I toss and turn for a long time, and then when I do fall asleep, I keep getting jerked back awake (hypnic jerks / sleep myoclonus). This started happening around 10 days on 90 mg. It happens for anywhere from 1 hour to several hours. Over and over, just as I fall asleep, some part of my body jerks and yanks me out of sleep. I also wake up too early in the morning, and feel tired and unwell all day.
I called my psychiatrist and she wants me to come down from 90 mg to 80 mg. She wanted to to drop straight down, but as I ran in to trouble doing that before, I am tapering.
I try to keep myself held together for the family, but every once in a while (like this morning) I just break down and sob. This has been the scariest thing. I just want good quality of life again. I try to look for hope. I feel little sparks of light within myself, and I try to remember them, and feel hopeful that this will eventually pass, that this is temporary, that I will get off this drug.
I don't want any of these scary drug effects to be permanent. Some days are harder than others to find hope.