10 replies to this topic

[gail]

Can anyone relate?

I am not talking about anxiety related to circumstances, but the one that comes and goes. The one that prevents you of planning things because you don't know if that Bear will be walking along your side.

The one that you can hardly describe, just like a mystical experience, which is really hard to put into words...

That feeling of doom, fear of...life, perhaps?

The one that no amount of therapy or meds can erase? In the middle of it, you can't think of anything to brighten your thoughts, and wish that the day be over real fast so sleep can bring you respite.

And suddenly, it's gone after days and days of suffering, you wake up and it's gone. Only to be back in the following days or with chance, perhaps a week.

You rack your brain, what did I do wrong? Ate? Drank? Traumas? Temperature? Meds? Prayers not enough? Bad experiences? Child trauma? What and what and what?

You think that you may have found the answer, the cure at last, Eureka! No!

It is an illness, just like uncontrolled diabetes, epilepsy, you never know when it will hit.

This is sad, real sad to live with this. And I pray that my children never "catch this". No one deserves this, no one!

And when the good days come, let me tell you that I enjoy every minute of it. I am in a state of gratitude for the tiniest things.

I needed to put all that into words this morning, and see if anyone can relate to this kind of anxiety. We have a French word that has not been translated to describe it better, it is called "Angoisse". Solen Kierkegaard suffered from this, existential anxiety, I would say.

[FiveNotions]

Yes, Gail, I can relate ... that "Bear" has walked with me ... stalked me ... he's "hibernating" now, but for how long I have no idea ... and, like you, I savor every instant of the good times ... and "self-monitor" for the symptoms, the clues that he might be waking ... for the most part now with me, the Bear rumbles around a bit late at night as I drift off to sleep, and wakes me in the morning ... then he goes back to hibernation ...

 

I must "read up" on "Angoisse" ... you are right, english has no word to describe this sensation ...

 

I never felt this until getting off the crapalta, so I count it as one of the poison's "parting gifts" ... I've come to be grateful to God for the anxiety ... because it brings me so much closer to Him ... I know myself well enuf after all these years to know that when I feel "perfect" and "strong" I wander too far from Him ... it's when I'm broken and fragile that I am the most open to prayer and Grace ...

 

The only "trick" I have is that I realize this is a feeling, a sensation, and is not real doom or danger to me... and so I just keep going and doing and living ... and praying ... 

 

[apologies to forum members who aren't into the "God-thing" ... I mean no offense, it's just my own experience and what heals and helps me   ]

[fishinghat]

Wonderfully expressed Gail. For many of us it is not just anxiety it is a way of life.

[lady2882Nancy]

I can relate!

It is that insidious creature that lurks constantly on the fringes of my mind waiting to overwhelm my emotions and thoughts.

 

When it recedes I am able to go out and do all the things I long to do and go about as an almost normal person.

I go out as much as possible, thanking God for these days to enjoy and live life fully.

 

Then one morning I awake to find that it is back and the thought of having to go anywhere can bring me to tears.

I hide at home in an attempt to appease the beast and pray that no one asks me to do something that I cannot say no to.

 

I have learned that some days I just cannot do certain things even though I could the day before and accepting that has made a huge difference in how strong the beast is.

 

I have learned not to push myself on those days and to find some peace at home which further weakens the beast.

 

I have learned that there is no predicting when the beast will come out and that other than sometimes being short on sleep I have not done anything wrong to cause it to reappear.

 

Maybe some day I will be able to control the beast but for now I accept that it is lurking there which for me makes it easier to deal with. 

[TryinginFL]

Wow, how right on you all are!

 

I also have those same feelings and the most horrible appear when I think about traveling.  I did not go to Seattle last summer because just checking flights was way too much for me.

 

I was thinking of going next month, but my son is really busy so we are going to postpone - until when, I don't know but at least I don't have to think of it now.

 

I, too, have spent days in the house unable to go out - it can go on for 4-5 days, and then all of a sudden, I go out.  No explanation...

 

I sincerely feel that this is one of the gifts left to us by that poison drug.  I never felt like this before taking it either. 

[gail]

And, I am not alone here with this beast, so glad that you can all relate. I say glad, well, you know what I mean by this.

FN, will trade my bear for yours. Mine does not seem to want to hibernate lately. And right you are when you mention that this keeps us on tracks. I often thought that if it was not there, that I could do things without thinking and regret afterwards. It does keep the relation with God going, but at times, I do yell after Him...

LadyNancy, described to a perfect T. Exactly how it is. You brought me to tears. I used to respond to it that way, accepting that tomorrow I may not be able to do the simplest things. You brought me back to sense, thank you.

Fisherman, a man of few words, relating to this in a Time and Patience manner. A way of life. That only people suffering from it can understand. Few words that says it all.

Liz, this is a surprise for me, when you say no going out for five days then out you go, no
Explanation. You and FN say that this is a gift from the crap, but I can not say this. It's been ramping for a good ten years at least, and not getting any milder...started around menopause, so who knows...

Thank you all for sharing on the subject!

[FiveNotions]

Like you, Liz, I never had this kind of anxiety -- lingering, malingering -- before crapalta ... I think it's one of the permanent "gifts" left in the wake of my cold turkey withdrawal ... it's left me permanently watchful ... vigilant, hypervigilant .. I wake up in the morning, and the first thing I do is take an inventory of how I feel ... scanning my interior self for signs of the "worms" in the stomach sensation that's my form of anxiety ... ... and I do so almost subconsciously throughout the day ... and as I drift off to sleep at night ... 

 

Talking about it helps ... a lot ... and is, in large part, why I need to stay connected here to the forum ... no one else can ever understand, empathize, encourage me ... this is the only place I feel totally safe and at home in sharing this aspect of my life ...

[gail]

FiveNotions, yes, talking about it does help a lot.

A lot of people are ashamed of this and don't dare talk about it. So hard to explain to someone not familiar with this. I asked my son yesterday to read these posts so he could understand better and he did. Glad that I did so.

As for the inventory done, same here, on the watch. Got my own personal watch dog inside.
The ears the size of an elephant but not pending, straight up!

[brzghoff]

gail, what you've written is so poignant and brilliant. i have been learning a lot lately about how many more people than we can imagine struggle with anxiety. people we know and love. its heartbreaking.

[FiveNotions]

I was wondering yesterday, in the midst of all the news about the terror attack in Orlando, if a large part of this "anxiety epidemic" is due to the world we live in ... there is so little peace in the world, even in the "small worlds" in which we live (cities, towns, communities, families) ... our souls find no respite anywhere ... anxiety thus becomes part of our basic human existence ...

 

... so, we end up on all these drugs, in an effort to "induce peace"... and then we become victims of drug-induced terror / anxiety when we try to get off the stuff ...

 

sorry, not enuf caffeine yet this morning, not making much sense here ...

[FiveNotions]

I had a bad episode of the GERD (acid reflux on steroids) two nights ago ... and sure enuf, right along with it, the Worms in the Stomach (my version of Gail's Bear) hit me hard the next morning ... so, I've put myself back on a dose of Zantac (ranitidine) 75 mg 3 x a day ... I'd cut myself back on the stuff (it's been linked to kidney/liver damage) ... takes a day or so for it to take effect in me ... but the reduction in "Worms" today is very noticeable ...

 

Gail, have you ever tried Zantac for your Bear? Is there any chance that you've got acid reflux, not true anxiety?

 

Way back, when I had genuine anxiety (panic attacks), my symptoms were: heart palpitations, a bizarre "tingling" sensation in my shoulder muscles, sweaty palms, and shallow breathing, and a complete inability to think / function due to a sense of impending doom ...

 

My "Worms" are nothing like that ... it's a sensation like you get on a roller coaster, when reaching the crest and then starting to "fall" ... enuf to make me feel horrible, and not want to do anything, but quite unlike the onset of a genuine panic attack ...