11 replies to this topic

[emoothart]

I'm scared.  I can't stop thinking of ways to die.  I'm so exhausted with the continuous battle in my mind.  I can't leave my kids but I can't be what they need either.

 

I'm afraid to drive because I just want to crash the car.

 

I want to check into a hospital because I'm just so exhausted with trying to hold myself together.  I want someone else to be responsible for me for awhile. But I'm afraid of the repercussions of checking in.  I'm afraid of what meds they'd put me on, and who would take care of my kids, I'm just so afraid of everything.  

 

Living hurts.  I'm so tired.

 

Emily

 

[zivcha]

Emily dear,

 

we all have times when we need someone alse to take care of us and it is totally OK. In your case, i think it is important that you will find a way to go to the hospital (maybe a friend can drive you or a family member). you are a wonderful and caring mother. please try to find help.

as for the medications: you could ask the doctors what medications do they plan to put you on. maybe a close friend or family member can get all the information from you and make sure the medical care feets your goals and needs.

 

Living hurts - but just for now. things WILL get better.

[gail]

Dear Emily,

Yes, living hurts. But as Zivcha said so eloquently, FOR NOW. Thank you for saying this.

Emily, this could be a passing phase and be assured that a lot of us had or have the same thoughts. I think that when someone reaches the point of trying to find ways of doing it, the suffering must be excruciating and if those thoughts linger on that perhaps that person must reach for help. You seem lucid, intelligent and caring. You may want to listen to your angel.

Emily, as Zivcha mentioned, you enquire on the medication that would suit you best in this situation if medication is needed.

And please, do not think that even though we might have 2000 or more posts here that we are all singing happy songs. Prayers for you sweet pea to find peace. Lovexx

[TryinginFL]

Dear Emily,

 

I echo everything that has already been said here.  Please seek help if you have not already done so.  There is no shame in it and remember that your kids need you.

 

This seems to be a time where you definitely need others to take care of you - and it's OK. 

 

This too, will pass and I wish I could say when, but please...do this

[fishinghat]

Emily, as long as you have been dealing with this situation it concerns me that suicidal thoughts are present. Like everyone has said....get help. Your children and family need you and we care about you. Don't worry about the meds. Get help.

[Raven72]

Emily,

Everyone is right. We have all felt this way. Hang in there we are all here for you if you need us.

[emoothart]

Thanks everyone for the responses.  I am still here, still hanging on.  I decided not to go to the hospital because I'm terrified of giving up that much agency.  I went home, put my toddler in front a movie, went to bed, and waited for it to pass.  

 

It does pass.  It is hard to remember that, but it does.  

 

I've been seriously suicidal before, so this felt horribly familiar - but it was 7 years ago before I was medicated for depression.  I have an appointment with my psych in 3 weeks and I'm going to have to talk with her about getting onto something new to replace the cymbalta. I wanted to get all the way off first but now I'm thinking I can't wait.  I'm thinking of asking for Wellbutrin.  Thoughts?

[fishinghat]

I agree. Lexapro, Zoloft and Prozac are other good choices but I would go with the Wellbutrin first.

[gail]

Hi Emily,

Good to see you back. Comes a time when something has to be done to have a certain quality of life.
Wellbutrin is a good choice. Zoloft and Prozac also, less side effects. Keep us informed, and yes, it does pass. The trick is to remember that, not easy in hard times.

[CNA]

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[fishinghat]

No criticism here Cliff. What you say is very true. It is also dependent on what you find acceptable in your quality of life. I believe for most of those on the site the one reason we complain so much about it is that there are drs who are clueless and said no withdrawal, and never mentioned the seizures, suicides and total and permanent loss of sexual function that can occur due to the withdrawal. Like you say, all drugs have side effects but the drs should know that these exist and should educate the patient before they go on the drug. In defense of the drs, most were trained when the drug first came available and the side effects and withdrawal were greatly understated. Due to lawsuits and investigation by the FDA it was found that Eli Lilley hid that information from the FDA during the approval process. The court order from the lawsuit was for the FDA to issue a black box warning to be placed on the drugs BUT no requirement to retrain the drs. Eli Lilley was fined (if I remember right) 30 million on a drug which brought in 9 billion in PROFITS a year during its patent protective period.

[CNA]

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