How You Doin'?
Posted 14 April 2018 - 09:16 AM
recovery is tough and it is definitely a cyclic process... three steps forward , one step back. sometimes one step forward and ten steps back. but over the long haul you find that you are ultimately in a forward motion. its just really hard to see it in the moment until you hit an upswing. that's when the light appears. i hope you've managed to see it before - please know you will see it again.
Posted 14 April 2018 - 09:19 AM
How am I doing? Depressive phase, tears falling for no reason.
Existential thoughts. How the thinking is profound in those phases! That amazes me, like I was real smart! If we have many lives behind, which I doubt,I was a philosopher for sure.
And now, I wait. Time and patience, yes Sir!
wow Gail. even through the depression you can grasp onto the positive! you are an amazing woman who has taught me a lot about strength. by the way, you are real smart!
Posted 14 April 2018 - 01:47 PM
I am doing well overall. I should consider myself blessed, but i manage to grovel about things anyway. I have missed the forum but i have very full days that keep me away. the job is great, in spite of the major layoffs and transformation of the company's focus last fall we're actually doing better than expected. still a lot of challenges but i really love the people i work with. i am 58 and surrounded by millennials, but feel totally accepted and respected. the one manager that used to give me a hard time is now gone.
my husband and i are getting along very well - for the most part ;-)
the thing that really gets my anxiety cranking (catastrophic thinking) is hurricane season, which is fast approaching. every time it rains i get anxious. after irma's flooding i don't feel the same about this place. i mean, its almost logical that i worry over what could happen this year, but i let worry take my reality to the next level.
i was just thinking about when i first found this forum almost exactly 4 years ago in 2014. i had just done the cold turkey thing off cymbalta. its amazing that looking back - as horrible and excruciating as that experience was - i still have fond memories of that time because of YOU ALL! the care, support and camaraderie that i found here will remain with me always while the pain and agony of withdrawal fades into the background.
Posted 14 April 2018 - 11:17 PM
today was so horrible. got two jobs- both involve using my car to deliver things. both of these two weeks ago mind you. today my car breaks down. have to call my manager, he comes to get me. now my car is parked outside the store i work at waiting for monday so a tow truck can pick it up. so humiliating. then i go in after having been upset about it and the first thing this other boss says to me is MAKE SURE YOU FINISH YOUR DUTIES BEFORE YOU LEAVE. mind you i've been waiting an hour for the other manager to come and jump start my car.
don't get along with anyone at my work. i'm so lost. i just can't associate with other humans. such a loser. came home and cut my chest up pretty badly. then got on the exercise bike and cut my arms. i am in such psychological pain, but i'm so sensitive to medication that i literally can't take anything. i feel like one day i'll just snap and throw myself in front of a train or something. like every time i take a step forward or feel i'm doing a bit better i'm thrown, kicked, pushed violently 10 steps back. probably i'm too sensitive and weak for this world. oddly i took through multiple psychiatrists various psychological evaluations and always score very high on masochism, so in some distorted and disturbed way i enjoy this misery. i'm also extremely stubborn so somehow i think the odds of my ending my own life are very small. i just can't figure life out. even complaining about my situation makes me feel sick and pathetic. i saw a woman in a wheelchair walking with a young girl earlier. i thought to myself i had to live for her. if people in wheelchairs are strong enough to go on i should be able to. my body is racked with pain, yes, with the fibromyalgia, but i generally find it nothing compared to mental anguish. it's like instead of thoughts floating or shooting through my head it's a thunderstorm- dark clouds swarming and intense emotional responses in the form of lightning bolts.
i heard a motivational speaker say once that in life we are either coming out of a storm, in a storm, or getting ready to enter a storm, and we should take care to live our lives and prepare accordingly. i've been in a storm so long now. it's hard to stay very strong alone. if i just had one solid connection or reason to be here beyond myself. i fear owing to my issues connections with human beings is something which was over for me long ago.
i thought to myself, you must not want to die, for you continue to live. but i realized that many people are lonely and want a significant other, though this does not make them approach a potential partner and foster a relationship. they don't do it out of fear. so it is of course possible to want to die, but be unable to do so. funnily, sophocles thought just that the worst of evils.. "to die is not the worst of evils, but to want to die and be unable to do so." walking around as if you have no skin is a nightmare. everything stings. i made a nice tip today at work and it actually caused a tangible pang of pain. i saw the money, and immediately thought, why do i need this? i have no one to take out, no one to do anything with. no use for it. i keep hoping some day i'll wake up and be normal. i guess that's why i go on
Posted 15 April 2018 - 08:16 AM
I read your post whosthat, and was deeply moved. I wish I could help but your situation is way beyond me. Surely there is something the drs can do for you. I am sure this is a dumb question but have you ever had a good psychologist? Do you feel like this most of the time?
Posted 15 April 2018 - 08:35 AM
Posted 15 April 2018 - 01:29 PM
You've been in my mind also. I would like to ask you a few questions if I may.
Primo, when you were on cymbalta, how were you feeling then? Better or as worse.
Secondo, when did begin the state you are now?
Tertio, have you been on any other meds that made you feel better.
Thank you Whosthat for answering those questions if you do. Ok if not!
Posted 15 April 2018 - 09:19 PM
i am grateful for any concern shown. my parents don't understand, no one does in my estimation. i can't blame anyone i suppose. i feel i have such a strange combination of disorders coupled with an extremely high sensitivity and perception regarding relations with others that i'm living in an almost irremediable dilemma. i often feel i'm in some sort of video game in which a child has deliberately made every mistake and bad decision possible for a character rather than choosing those for optimization. they have told me: borderline personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder, derealization/depersonalization disorder, major depression, dysthymia, anxiety, paranoia, and of course fibromyalgia, which greatly affects my sleep and general cognitive ability (via brain fog/sleep deprivation). also i find i do not eat. i just can't make myself. i do fear becoming fat, but i sense in it also only another method of self-destruction and the intentional inflicting of discomfort on myself (as with cutting and strenuous exercise). i've lost 15 lbs in the last 3 months. now 5'9'' 153.
someone asked when this started and it was long ago. there was a time at university some 3-4 years ago that my only way to cope was to drink + take sleeping pills + get high on m******** nightly. i had to have all of them for the pain to go away. i was not cutting so much at this point, but throughout the day i was also drinking bottles of nyquil to numb myself (in conjunction with that which i was taking at night)
when i initially started taking cymbalta january of 2017 i felt nothing. then about 6 months in i started noticing that my thoughts became very violent. i felt like a caged animal (being stuck in a prison of isolation and loneliness). it was like hate was all i knew. i hated happy people. i hated people my age living life. i hated my parents i hated my situation i hated everything. hate was all i knew. i thought to buy daggers online in anticipation of the day i would snap and finally remove some of the "scum" i saw around me. i saw humanity as a disease. like a plague. all selfish, ugly creatures. of course i am the ugly creature. mind you this sensation and vista of sorts through which my eyes saw the world was only to some small extent alive prior to cymbalta. whatever trace or vestige of this pathology dwelled in my mind was enhanced multiple times over by cymbalta. now that i've stopped, the anger has become much more specific toward people i absolutely do not like. there is not some broad sense of wanting to destroy and ruin. of course my klonopin calms me- it seems to be the only medication i can take. but i feel it's affects waning. like there is some inexorable force of malignance and chaos in the depths of my mind which will only be quelled for so long. somehow it is temporarily appeased by the harm inflicted upon myself via various methods.
i have never had a good psychiatrist or psychologist and am a priori disgusted with them. the convoluted and contorted nature of my issues is hard for me to grasp and articulate even to myself, whom i live with in my head, all day every day. nothing can be done to explain my psychological state to another. more or less vague metaphors can shed light or evoke this or that in someone, but the foundation of my problems i know not, and i have not found a medicine or doctor who does.
the names i do not recall, but i have been on at least a dozen antidepressants since i was probably 14ish. i've been on mood stabilizers, anti psychotics, and anxiolytics. nothing has ever helped me but klonopin, and i have in fact had positively negative reactions to almost all of them. breathing difficulties while on some anti depressants comes to mind. i recall taking almost an entire bottle of zoloft when i was young. this was one of the first ones i was on. i did not seek to die but there was some compulsion to do it. a similar instance occurred at university when i was extremely intoxicated and took something like 20 sleeping pills. i remember waking up absolutely gasping for air. i'm convinced if i had had only a few more pills or drinks i would have went in my sleep.
after living 48 hours of an absolute hellish high from the previous antipsychotics they put me on i'm so skeptical of medication.of course not to mention the lingering effects of cymbalta. my therapist wants to try EMDR on me, which should start shortly.
my problem now is that in conjunction with these feelings im positively stuck between working and school which i abhor and am convinced will lead to an explosion of some sort and abdicating all responsibility which will leave me in this hopeless room where i've dwelt for years now- alone, scared, in despair. somehow i feel in either scenario i am not strong enough to endure. there was a younger time when i felt terribly, but everything was still in front of me- i had therapy, medication, i had growing up and finding myself, i had chances, avenues, ways, methods. it was bad, but it was not over and all resources were not exhausted. as i age everything seems dimmer and fewer possibilities remain. i want desperately for a connection with human beings, i want their customs and interactions. their friendships and social groups. how calm they are together. with such ease they interact. simultaneously i am violently opposed to it. i hate them for it. i don't want to be a part of it. i want to destroy anyone who thinks they're better than me for any reason whatever. the rude, the vicious, the arrogant. oh i want them to pay. i don't know why i am the way i am, but i don't suspect such angry, violent opposition of emotion can ever a content, stable person make. i often find i wish for ruin. maybe there is a general sense of it then. in any situation. let it all fall away. i grow so tired of it all. my moods so labile. where am i to go or to which place do i turn when i cant bear interaction with other humans anymore than i can bear the horrible isolation of my room. left destroyed with only my thoughts and a constant physical and emotional ache. thank you everyone. you are all very kind and i have not had much interaction with such people- due to my sensitivities or otherwise
Posted 16 April 2018 - 08:09 AM
Amazing how you can express your emotions and the way you feel.
Mental illness does not mean that we are not intelligent, au contraire.
And never imagine that I am better than you. I suffer from mental illness myself. I take pills, to calm myself. I'm really afraid at times. Borderline, dystimia, anxiety disorder.
Unlike you, they work for me, but I do have my downs.
I'm saying this to you so that you don't think that with 4000 or so posts, that it doesn't mean that I'm dancing all around or better than you.
We are here for you Whosthat, we listen and we feel. Best of luck with the new technique you will soon be trying, with love Gail.
- TryinginFL likes this
Posted 16 April 2018 - 09:19 AM
Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Posted 17 April 2018 - 02:41 PM
Posted 17 April 2018 - 04:46 PM
That is strange. Sounds almost like an adrenaline rush. It is sort of like when you suddenly get in a car accident and you get shook up. If you set in the vehicle a few minutes and you start to realize you are Ok you will decide to get out and look at the car BUT, surprise, your knees are weak and it is hard to stand. Your head may spin as well.
Posted 18 April 2018 - 06:43 PM
feeling pretty shitty. don't want to do anything. all motivation gone. very tired. in the process of going back to school and starting to work again i was taking klonopin. up to 2 mg a day. some days none some days 1 mg. for 2 weeks or so. didn't take it yesterday or today. wonder if withdrawal can happen so quickly? hard to tell sometimes if it's fibro or something else. very tired, headachy, confusion, depressed mood, don't want to talk to anyone. feels so awkward at work when everyone talks to each other and i don't say anything
Posted 18 April 2018 - 07:49 PM
i am very moved by your posts here in this thread. my heart breaks that you feel the pain that you do - but through your expression you've offered us a glimpse into something we otherwise might not be able to grasp. what you've written is a gift so we can understand.
thank you for trusting us enough to share such personal emotion please know we are here. i don't know if we can "help" but we can start by continuing to listen.
Posted 19 April 2018 - 12:25 AM
Your sadness and pain touches me. It takes me back to when this all started for me. I was always so angry at everyone, even my husband who wanted to help me. He found this site for me. I am grateful he did and I am grateful you have found us. We are here for you.
Posted 19 April 2018 - 08:05 AM
You are in withdrawal. All seems worse, cold turkey is the worse and many end up in ER.
Plus holding a job and going to school at the same time is a pretty hard thing to do.
Many take time off during the first month or so as emotions are running wild, the body needs lots of time to adjust. Have you someone close by that can understand you?
Well Whosthat, you have us for sure and prayers are flying up and down for you.
Time, patience and good psychiatrist will help you through this.
By the way, how is it going with your breathing?
Posted 19 April 2018 - 11:08 AM
I do want to tell you that as skeptical as we all are about doctors; Don't be afraid to go the ER. If you are scared you are going to hurt yourself but don't want to, they can help you not do that. I know sounds weird, but it might help some. It all comes down what you want and what makes you comfortable.
We love you.
Posted 19 April 2018 - 11:46 PM
my ER trips are over. i don't care much anymore for it. whatever. the breathing problems seem to have waned in both intensity and frequency. not waking up with sensations of my heart exploding anymore. i'm not sure if i'm only 3 weeks "clean" or 9. i had been off for 1.5 months and then taken 30mg for 3 days at the very end of march. not sure if three days are enough to bring me back to step 1, so to speak.
i've noticed a lot of brain fog and confusion the last few days. again, not sure if this can be a sort of progressive withdrawal symptom from cymbalta, if it's fibro fog, or if it's due to "messing" with my klonopin doses( though technically i'm allowed 0-2mg per day, as needed). probably that i cannot sleep at all isn't helping matters. i go from certain i cannot do another day of school and work, of being around people, of doing anything but lying in bed waiting to die, to not thinking it's a big deal- being fine with it- to suicidal to totally numb and thoughtless. very strange state. somehow it's like breaking a bone and through some sophisticated technology being administered morphine in a way that for half a second the effects are appreciated and not for the other half. on and off. feel things so intensely but almost immediately, or upon investigation, there's nothing there. like an intense dream from which you wake to understand the danger or threat has passed. feelings and sensations so transient it's hard to pin down if they're real. it's an add phenomenon. i believe it can be a product of BPD
i don't think i'll be hurting myself for a while. last time was nasty. ended up with 4 or 5 5-6 inch long gashes on chest and arm. still haven't closed up after however many days. keep neosporin applied. no infection.
took some melatonin. hope to sleep tonight. brain fog is the worst.
night everyone, thanks for kind words and thoughts. hope everyone is doing well
Posted 20 April 2018 - 07:59 AM
Could be, I feel the same. Jacking up a feeling to it's maximum? The mind goes crazy with thoughts rolling and rolling. Takes me at least 24 hours to see that it's not as bad as I thought. The 24 hours are real painful. Just been through this, I see it from another perceptive today.
Thanks for writing to us Whosthat, I appreciate it, your description of how you feel is so tangible. Love xxx
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