167 replies to this topic

[gail]

Two more hours to go Fishing Brain, you might have your hands full!
Surprisingly, I'm calm as clam!!!! Yes my dear!

[Raven72]

Hey All,

Hope all is well. We got the IEP for my son set up. Still dealing with issues regarding depression and anxiety. Trying to get back surgery approved for the hubby. Prayers are welcome. Also, my daughter is for some reason dealing with the fear that someone is going to take me away from her.

[fishinghat]

Good news on the IEP. You could sure use some blessings to come your way. Prayers it is.

[fishinghat]

A big "hello and I miss you all" from TFL. She is still in laptop misery but hopes to be back with us soon.

[whosthat]

think i've narrowed my confusion down to antacid drugs.. ppis. h2 blockers, even calcium carbonate.. to my surprise they have induced confusion and disorientation in others as well. trying to go completely clean of anything but food and water but the klonopin is difficult to go without. can't sleep and almost lose my jobs every time i don't take them

[fishinghat]

Proton Pump inhibitors should not be used with most antidepressants as they effect the absorption rate. The exception is Zantac which is not a ppi but an H2 histamine blocker.

Did you wean off the Klonopin? Last I remember you had been off Cymbalta around 3 months. What dose were you on with the Klonopin?
 

[whosthat]

i didn't wean necessarily. i take it as needed, so there is a natural variability of dosing. i suppose it could be that as well. i'd thought why it was not but have now forgot. probably i feel less confused after having stopped all forms of antacid drugs. klonopin might be a factor as well

[Raven72]

Hello everyone,

Hope all is well. Bit of a funk here in the South. Lots of rain to deal with.

Love you all.

[fishinghat]

We haven't heard from you in a while Raven. I hope that means that things are less stressful for you lately.

It is tropical storm/hurricane season so keep the umbrella handy. lol

[whosthat]

has anyone heard of antidepressants causing a sort of degradation of morals, inhibitions, compassion ,etc?

 

i experienced the same thing while on cymbalta as i am now on prozac- a general internal anger- not explosive, but a steady energy of sorts. like water heated just prior to boiling. somehow disinhibited with regards to tolerating things i normally would- very impulsive, or at least the sensation of such and that i cannot control myself. like i am seeing the world of my person from the outside. i am watching in 3rd person as my body has interactions with people and lives. my mind feels blank, my cognition i suppose. like i'm only operating under the dictates of my simpler brain regions and i'm liable to do anything to protect myself. i feel somehow traumatized, like a scared child whose defense is aggression and general hostility toward people. self mutilation. general desire or compulsion toward ruin and destruction- relationally with others, with myself, even inanimate objects. a desire to destroy, to decay. for revenge. and nothing to speak of on the end of actually feeling less depressed or better generally.

maybe i should say my mind, emotional state, and general disposition does tend to oscillate quite frequently. i cannot precisely pin it to the commencement of prozac, but there is at least correlation, and i noticed this before on the duloxetine, though as the duration of use was long, it's hard to know if the feelings were brought about by the medicine or if they were induced by something else and simply coincided with usage

[fishinghat]

That would be a common sign of Cymbalta withdrawal but a side effect of taking the medicine...I can't say I have heard of that. Matter of fact many complain of being numb, no feelings at all when on a ssri/snri. But considering how and where these meds work I can't say it is impossible.

[gail]

Hello Whosthat,

It's been awhile. Good to hear from you even though you are not feeling too hot.

Your writing always amazes me, the way you explain how you feel, I find this interesting.
You are so bright and surely must have endured a traumatized childhood.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? I can't remember. I've read about depersonalization, nothing wrong with this. I just think, not sure here, that maybe there are special meds for that.

Well bottom line, Prozac doesn't seem to be helping much. Keep updating please. Love, Gail

[whosthat]

there is so much pain in this life. what do you guys do when it is too much? cutting does almost nothing for me now. i can't drink with my fibromyalgia. can't use anything. too sensitive for it. klonopin doesn't even seem to work anymore. i just want one friend or person to feel connected with. i can't feel anything but pain. the few pleasurable things in this world seem to me the trellis overtaken by my vines of suffering. even the good things come at a price for me that i'm not sure is worth the agony. it's such hell. but here i am a person in the first world with food and a bed and the necessities of life while people starve and are raped and murdered and tortured every day. look at poor me. somehow i imagine my loneliness and misery would spread across the universe if there were a sufficiently large paint brush to make the stroke. i am certain i had similar sentiments when i was 18. i'll be 28 soon. i feel i have done my time but then there are millions of others just like me or even worse off- it's all so hopeless. i remember the first girl i seriously dated from 16-18. she or i would come home after work or being out, and i would collapse my head into her lap as she sat and put my arms around her waist and lower back. just sit there, silent. like a small child largely blind to the world and looking for nothing more than blind emotional relief and contentedness- to feel loved and wanted. no cognition, no rationale or reasoning. just to feel another person and it to mean something. it felt so comforting and i was content, if just for that moment. i see now that i must have always been desperate for some sort of attachment and love that i didn't experience when i was very young- but owing to this destitution of love and nurturing my sense of both have become so pathological and such a caricature of what anyone could reasonably provide that i'm inexorably alone, left with nothing but such high standards that someone dying for me probably wouldn't be sufficient proof of their love. i feel like my emotions have been pent up and not adequately expressed in so many years. like i could just collapse and drown in a puddle of my own infinite tears- too defeated to lift myself up. too afraid and alone. i feel so broken

[gail]

My sweet Whosthat,

Such undescribable pain that you can describe in such a perfect way.
I can relate to all that suffering, believe me.

I can only suggest that you share your writing on something like Facebook where they have a special place for people suffering from mental health, it would be beneficial for so many people. You would feel less alone, seeing how many people suffer as you do.

Your writing is excellent and exceptional. Do us and yourself a big favor by telling the world what it's like. If you decide to do this, pm me so I can follow you.

Thanks for sharing this with us, come back as often as you wish. Love, Gail

[fishinghat]

It is a special kind of suffering for sure. It stretches the brain and its tolerances for sure and in addition you have fibro. Those who have been on here in the past related the same type of pain. All I can say is that most of them recover with time. It is so hard to be patient.

God Bless.

[Cjmansf]

Whosthat, you have an incredible gift to be able to articulate your feelings like you do. I think those of us that have/are going through this can certainly relate to the things you feel. Fishing hat is right, this will test your will and patience to an excruciating level. Day in and day out. You mentioned feeling the uneasiness and energy like water that was about to boil. This is the best explanation of what most of my days feel like. Chasing that elusive feeling of just being content and at ease with anything. I'm with you. Thank you for sharing and please don't give up. We are all broken in some fashion.

[gail]

Lovely post Cjman, I'm with all of you suffering that pain. I've walked the walk and still am.

Thanks for sharing Cjman.

[whosthat]

ok so being very drunk d oes not help mental health issues- note to self. i realized that there is some perception of suicide where, for the sake of illustration, it is assumed people must be at say, a level 9 or 10 out of 10 on a scale of agony and destitution to commit the act. i've come to understand that it is not in fact the intensity or degree to which one is suffering, but the sort of buffering effect (or lack thereof)  their inhibition struggles with against suicide. this is to say that a person may only be at an agony "level" of 5 or 6 but if their resistance and abhorration toward the suicidal act is only a 1 or a 2, this level 5 or 6 may prove fatal. it is all about our inclination against the terminal act. you can be in a state of extreme suffering while simultaneously very determined, stubborn ,etc, against such dispositions, so that you do not act. the salient point, in my estimation, is not whether one wishes to die, but whether or not one's remaining urge to go on predominates. i am terribly drunk lol. anyway thaks for the kind words over the last few days and months everyone. somehow i feel the chasm which has manifested between myself, the world, reality, and my potential participation in such has reached a distance from which i cannot return.      i think i have the perfect constituion of masochism, stubborness, and resolve to see this pain to the end. that is perhaps all that will save me.

hope everyone is well                                                  

[fishinghat]

Be kind to yourself whosthat.to try and do things you enjoy, don't over do any jobs you need to do, they can wait, and rest as much as possible. And, Oh yea, many members have found out that alcohol is definitely not the answer. lol

[gail]

My sweet Whosthat,

Drunk or not, you have touched real good point with the scaling thing. Bright even when drunk!

Stubbornness can be a strong point, you have this. I need to leave shortly, but know that I am so happy to have met you through your writing. Yep, I am in awe! To the pleasure of reading you again, love, Gail

[whosthat]

i like when you say "my sweet."

comforting phrase.

i think you offer too much credit. i always thought of my writing like something akin ( at least to the extent it seems the words of someone out of touch with reality) to cowper's 'notes written during a period of insanity'

incidentally, my therapist of oh, 3 months now- the first therapist whose office i have ever cried in, mind you- has informed me i'm "too connected" to her and not only is the dissolution of our relationship warranted, it's in fact occurring without my assent. this was related to me via email. she was kind enough to recommend a few doctors outside her practice. if there's anything that has served me well in this life it's clinical and medical institutions, in all their forms

[gail]

Well, sweet Whosthat, I must be insane also as I understand every words you say!

So many people know as "insane" created such beauty in their arts, their writings.

As for your therapist, via email !!!! She might not have been strong enough or knowledgeable enough to deal with your "insanity", this being said lovingly. Got to laugh at times!

Do you intend to follow up on her suggestions? I do hope so. And don't forget what we talked about, The Mighties. You will see and read about so many people sharing their "insane" stories! Note to myself, stop saying that word!

[fishinghat]

You know what they say...

Insanity is the only way to keep a stable mind.

[whosthat]

forgot to mention.. thursday was first date in like three years. today (last night) was second. pretty good. signed up for school again.. switched from biochemistry to psychology. so much less pressure not having to worry about multiple three hour labs a week.

not sure i can do anything with it.. i'd like to help people in some regard. figure i have to keep moving forward, in any case.

 

i do try to see the funny side gail. i think that helps. aristotle tells us "the ridiculous side of things is not far to seek."

hope you are well gail and fishing

[gail]

Beautiful post Whosthat!

Dates? Good omen here! Not one but two!

Studying pshycology sounds so great, finally a psychologist that has walked the walk. I had one like this, no diplomas on his wall but he had been there. He understood with his heart.

See you later love!

[Bkc26]

I’m feeling better today. Not so dizzy and I am awake for the first significant amount of time in two days. My body just shuts down and I have to sleep. Thankfully I’m up and functioning (slowly) today. My cat and my partner are both great supports.

[gail]

Sweet Whosthat, how are you? You are missed!

[whosthat]

i do think to post here more often - but i hate to be a burden, a source of negativity and discomfort. if only my mind offered some stability amid all this chaos i feel i think i could cope. i have looked at your website recommendation. but i feel rather like the sentiment expressed in one of the matrix movies. the sensations of a human eating a delicious cake are systematically described by a programmer. the woman cuts the cake. she lifts the fork to her mouth. the soft texture hits her taste buds and stimulates her in "other" areas- it has been programmed to do this. ecstasy. delicious satisfaction. the character describes how she is wondering, puzzled - how, why do i feel this pleasure? what is it? endorphins? some other drug? why is it such that a cake should make such intense pleasure possible? and then what happens is interesting and i think characteristic of the human species. soon after the pleasure maintains and even intensifies, she digs into the cake with boundless fury. eventually, the "why" and "how" dont matter. we can brood and muse over our difficulties and tribulations all day looking for the answers. we can meditate and pray and look for solace. we can find techniques to stabilize and do our best to extricate ourselves from our despair and misery. but at the end of the day, particularly for me when i sit in my room or bed at night, the world asleep, my loneliness amplified, all its cold and unconcerned cruelty racking my brain- just a moment's relief its all i need, just a positive feeling, some hope. someone to hold my hand and tell me i will be ok ;the only traces of cognition, all else supplanted by pain- at the end of the day only feelings matter. and the depth to which i sink seems a terrible pit im destined to inhabit, at least intermittently, until my last breath.

i used to often ask myself if i could press a button and be transported back to a very young age and redo the whole thing, requiring the removal and complete obliviousness of and to everything ive known, learned, experienced, laughed about, cried over, nearly died over- if i could, would i? for some time the answer was always something in the vein of, ''it's bad, but somehow i can make it work. i can figure it out. i've endured a great deal, let's use it. it could be worse" recently im at once hit powerfully with the notion that yes, in an instant i would give it all up, everything i've known, to go back and rerun the tape, with the possibility of my growing up and developing a psychological state even a miniscule amount closer to normal, with the understanding of ''normal'' being the existence of an emotional place not perpetually inhabited by the worst of pains. i can almost feel myself playing with the wooden blocks in kindergarten, building some structure. other kids spread out around on the large rug used for play time. so ignorant. so unmindful. tribulation awaiting me years ahead. no idea what was in store for me, to where i'd sink.

in the batman movie a former prisoner relays why that prison is the worst hell on earth- hope. freedom awaits, requiring only one's ability to surmount the rock wall. simply climb out. hope poisons men's souls, they say. there can be no true despair without hope. every day i see and am reminded of normality and relatively happy and successful people- relationships, significant others, friends, general joy and passion for life and hobbies, simply existing. i long so much for some relief. should this world be put on pause and wait for me i would walk a hundred years through hell, in only knowing to a certainty that some normal life with even a modicum of happiness was anticipating my arrival at the end. i would give anything for this crushing sorrow to be lifted from my heart and mind

[gail]

My sweet love,

I've read you and understand where you're coming from. But such suffering necessates drugs to cover those pains with a veil, don't you think Whosthat?

You are not a burden for the least. I remember CJman replying to one of your post recently, feeling so desperate. In a recent post CJman replied that he was seeing the light since he had started a new antidepressant. I'm not saying that it's the med for you, but CJ found relief.

I say that you can also find relief. Going back and redo it again, for that you would need two loving parents that demonstrated their love for you, you would have needed to feel in all your mind and body that love. If that doesn't happen, we are marked by that till we die. Believe me that I have suffered greatly from this, that fundamental need to feel loved, well that screwed most of my relationship as we are unstable people looking for mom and dad, even at 55.

I know a woman, 93, alzeimer, and when she speaks,it always comes up. Even with all her mind she had before, it followed her.

30 years of therapy didn't help me either, just temporarily. I kept screwing up, anxiety would swell to awful proportions.

Finally sweet love, a veil must be put on your sufferings. With love, Gail xxxxx

[fishinghat]

Gail pretty much said it all. All I can tell you is to keep trying even though it is so exhausting. There is something that will help. You just have to find it and I can assure you that you are never a burden. We all remember the hopelessness and despair we felt during withdrawal but all we can say is ...It does get better.