I've been really meaning to post this sooner but I've been having trouble with getting my thoughts together. Throughout this journey it has helped me immensely to be able to read through others feelings as they progressed. I still continue with having some of the same issues as my last post at 6 weeks off. Some things have gotten better incrementally. I don't seem to get irritable when I sit down to do something that requires full attention and concentration like I was before. That has allowed me to finally get back to doing some of the things I use to. Still nowhere near what I once was not even a year ago. I also have no idea how I'm going to work which riding this roller coaster. I have an interview next week so I suppose I'll have to figure it out. Ready or not. I still experience vision issues (silhouettes, light sensitivity, trouble focusing etc). It does seem like there are times where it is better or I've just adjusted enough to ignore it. The breathing issues seem to come and go and it mainly just feels as though I need to clear my throat a lot. At times I still have excess mucus and drainage but Singular seems to be helping with that. I'm happy to report that I don't seem to have much of any smell or taste issues at this point so hopefully that has finally subsided for good. Also positive, I have been able to sleep through the night without waking up feeling as though I'm choking and also the limb burning/numbness has all but gone away. The vision, coordination, numbness and burning actually precipitated me going in for an MRI a couple weeks ago. Thankfully, that came back clear with no signs of any issues.
So this brings me to where I am now. There are so many times I feel as though things may be getting unmanageable in certain aspects. Even though I've been living this since last fall, I still find myself questioning how this could possibly still be withdrawal. At this point though there isn't much left but psychological problems. I've been through so many tests, full blood workup, autoimmune tests, chest xray, MRI, etc all came back clear. Low vitamin D which I am addressing. I should by all accounts be happy however, here have been days of very deep depression. I do my very best to fight them off and I have a wonderful support system of family around me. The depression, as you all know, makes it very difficult to see the forest for the trees. I recognize that the feelings of hopelessness and despair are temporary but it is so hard to fight off sometimes! I also deal with some sort of hyper mind activity that I suppose you could categorize as anxiety. I describe it as the jitters which feels similar to the fight / flight response, drinking too much caffeine or as if I've gone too long without eating. (I cut out 99% of caffeine and I eat healthy) This causes some of the old symptoms to return more prominently such as loss of words, confusion, clumsiness, more trouble focusing/light sensitivity with constricted pupils. Last night for the first time in over a month, I woke up in a mild panic attack. This of course is why I started taking medication nearly 15 years ago. This of course is different than what I'm use to in a textbook panic attack. I had gotten pretty good at working through those. I hold some hope that this is "normal" for this stage and that I may just be going through some heightened anxiety on the road to better times. I really hope that continuing cognitive behavioral therapy mixed with time will get me through this without the use of medications. It seems so hopeless at times.