Posted 16 February 2020 - 03:24 AM
The two years have passed, and I'm still here. Barely any symptoms, losing my hair like crazy, losing weight, I look anorexic. The cancer is responsible for hair loss, so the pharmacist told me today.
If I make it to summer, people will see a squeleton walk by, thinking that it's Halloween.lol
I no longer care about the hair and the body. I have company many times a month, like the nurse, the social worker, the dietician, physiotherapist starting Tuesday. I'm happy that they come to my home.
Like the hair due to cancer, the same with tears mostly due to the cancer. I don't feel sick, but I find hard stuck in the apartment. With all the snow, the cold, going outside will have to wait.
I had a two month episode of ballooned legs, could hardly walk. All back to normal. The day it cleared, I looked at my legs, my God, they are so small. it cleAred when I started eating lots of protein. I fell in love with eggs that I rarely ate and yogurt. Far from perfect, but it'll do.
I don't feel that I'm dying at all( for the moment). Lots of time to reflect, think of my life. God and Jesus are always in the portrait. I get very scared at time,
That's Cymbalta in the news!
Posted 16 February 2020 - 03:18 PM
Thanks for the update Gail.
This is an inspiration to us all. A lot of information of what has come and gone over the last 2 years, and I am so grateful to have been with you for almost all of them. I can't believe it has been that long already.
You know... when I was reading your stories of the Summerland, I was saying to myself "there is just one reason why she is still needed here". Those posts will be there forever for many many more members to see, and all those that find it will feel the same way. They will be lifted by your words and inspired by your courage. With every day you leave more of that here with us - and there are no words that can even begin to say how this makes me feel.
Much lovage from your Scrat.
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Posted 16 February 2020 - 11:17 PM
What a journey for you!! BRAVERY! COURAGE! NEVER GIVING UP! KINDNESS! WARMTH! ALWAYS HUMOUR! COMPASSION!
You light up this forum with your beautiful soul!!
All of us are very very blessed to have you as one of us!!
I can't say how much you inspire me!! Too much for words!
You really are my HERO!
I feel I learn so much from you and you give me so much strength!
YOU TRULY ARE SOMETHING SPECIAL!
God loves you dearly and SO MUCH JOY IS COMING!!!
GOD BLESS AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Posted 05 March 2020 - 03:41 PM
Posted 05 March 2020 - 04:23 PM
Ooooh - poor Gailage. This word in English is "gums". I thought it might be your wings getting confused, but they seem to be growing in the right place.
Maybe you are related to Dracula?!
Joking aside, I will keep you in my thoughts as always. I know how painful it can be.... take care... Lovage.
Posted 10 April 2020 - 09:44 AM
So, I went to the hospital yesterday so they could get me ready for Radiotherapy. I was to meet Dr Wang, who was not there. I asked to see another radio oncologist. She looked at the fucking big mass in front and in back on my incisive. Not too sympathetic.
Off to radiotherapy to prepare a mask for future radiotherapy on Friday the 24 the. I'm to have at least five sessions in a row. They may not be able to make it all disappear, but a good part. It is not a primal cancer, it's from the kidney cancer four years ago. They call it metastatic cancer. It can appear anytime and anywhere. In the bones, which I had three times from the beginning.
The spinal cord, the right arm, the two sides of the head, the back and now my gums. I respond well to radiotherapy. But this mass is quite a mass, so glad that the kids can't see it, they would be scared as I am. As I said in a post, it's as big as a red raisin, sliced in two. One slice in the front and the other in the back. It's gross and ugly.
All this should start to diminish after 10 days that the treatment is over, if I understood right. I deplore the fact that the doctor was not sympathetic, not reassuring.
I was like a kid waiting for reassurance. Always a kid!
Thanks for reading, next update will be when it's over. With love, Gail or Gailage or Princess!
Posted 10 April 2020 - 10:01 AM
You are my hero Gail. What an inspiration you are.
The lack of compassion is normal for oncologists. Drs learn a lot about listening to patients in medical school and showing empathy (although some forget that training after graduating). Oncologists are a different story. The survival rate for oncology patients are much lower than any other field in medicine. If they allowed themselves to become close to a patient or be empathetic they could not handle the suffering and loss they see. Several oncologists have told me that they simply must view the patient as a "hunk of meat" or they could not survive at their job. A sad but true reality of their profession. Away from work many oncologists will not discuss their job and I have heard that divorces are higher in this group than any other medical profession.
Posted 10 April 2020 - 04:33 PM
I think Hat and Liz said pretty much what I would, insomuch that you are a huge inspiration to be going through this.
It is such a shame that some of these doctors lack a bedside manner - for sure they cannot guarantee that "everything will be fine", but the least they could do is empathise. I found that a lot with the NHS mental health. They tried to empathise, but it was so transparent. They probably said the exact same words every day to at least 20 other people. I am sorry you were treated like this. You at least have all of us here for support!!
God Bless you my sweet Gailage
Posted 11 April 2020 - 09:33 AM
Fishinghat, you made my day. So happy about the explanation. Though, it is sad. We so need encouragement. We are so vulnerable. Again my friend, thank you so much.
But I have all of you to cheer me up. Liz, I don't see you often, thank you for your words.
Scrat and London, thank you for your encouragement. A hero? Really? Thanks for that.
Love and lovage.
Posted 30 April 2020 - 04:33 AM
I ended my five days of radiotherapy last Thursday.
The interior of my mouth has many ulcers or sores and they hurt.
Special mouthwash was prescribed.
My teeth are cleaned with water only, toothpaste burns like crazy.
Depression is getting to a never seen point. The fear, the non acceptance are responsible in part. I had a 3 hour normalcy yesterday where there was no fear and there was total acceptance of the situation. Acceptance is liberating, this is my work to do in the following times. Accept the situation. And have faith in God for him to help me achieve that.
The bubbles stopped growing, are they shrinking? 10 more days and we'll see.
A part from yogurt and cooked fruits, I barely eat, my mouth is too sore. My poor brownies will go to the freezer.
Any tips on acceptance are welcomed. And so are prayers. I hope one day to be able to look back and laugh at this. As London says, this is our ultimate exposure.
Thanks for reading, love, Gail
Posted 30 April 2020 - 07:44 AM
Thanks for the update Gailage....
I can imagine that it is really tough now having gone through so much. But this is what depression does. Even after 3 days of overdoing it, my depression has taken the opportunity to attack me. It will get you any way it can, and you are very vulnerable, so acceptance is very much the key. But never easy.
You have painted a very clear picture here of what your day-to-day life is like and I will pray for more of these moments that you had for 3 hours. Just having that time, even 3 minutes rather than 3 hours, shows you that you are capable of having this time, and that God is there with you and prayers are answered. When we are in this state it is very difficult to quieten ourselves to listen to Him.
Whenever I have been like this I try to clear my mind of everything I can. Empty my head. Not easy again, but letting thoughts drift by like leaves floating down a river. I feel better for this...
Much lovage my sweet.
Posted 30 April 2020 - 10:05 PM
Coucou my hero!
I am so sorry to read of your depression and the ulcers! What a journey you are on! You will be rewarded so much in heaven for all these trials you have had to face! I know I repeat myself a lot when I write to you but you really are SOMETHING SPECIAL!!!! You have had one thing after another in these recent years! It hurts my heart to see someone I love so dearly hurt like this! But I know in my heart you are safe in God's hands. I know Jesus is with you! And I know JOY IS COMING!!!
My love YOU WILL look back and laugh at this time! You will look back and it will all make sense!! God works in mysterious ways!! But I see God in you and I FEEL GOD IN YOU!!!
Remember you give all of us on the forum so much joy and happiness!!! Your soul lights up our lives!!
I always am in so much awe of your bravery and courage and never give up attitude and your fighting spirit!!! You are just extraordinary!!! Please know this!!!
God's plan is greater than our pain!! Everything happens for a reason! What is meant to be is meant to be!
One day all will be clear to us and all will make sense! All the suffering with make sense! For now we trust God to guide us through!
Everything we could wish for and more is waiting for us - JOY, PEACE, LOVE, BEAUTY, LAUGHTER, JESUS, SMILES, TEARS OF JOY!!!!!!
For know we must follow the footsteps of Jesus - suffer on earth before we join Jesus in heaven! In our suffering we are joined with Jesus in a unique bond!
Remember my love - WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE!!!
TOMORROW IS NOT YOUR TODAY!!!
God knows best my love and he loves you so so so much!!!
I have been praying and will continue to pray - for acceptance, for HOPE and for the bubbles!!!
BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO!!!!
I am so so proud of you!!
Thank you will all my heart for your light and love!!!
God will keep us safe and guide us home!!
I love you so much Princess!
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