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#901 invalidusername

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Posted 01 November 2019 - 07:07 PM

Evening brother...

 

As you know, you have the PM already which has taken a majority of my word count this evening, and as you know, I am still need some space to alleviate some stress from this evening, but a post here to keep the flow is a must!!

 

Forgot to mention my day, which was a bit odd. I did take my remedy last night but had forgotten this morning and not sure if it is to blame for anything that occurred. No real anxiety, stress or depression when I woke, but like you earlier last week, a very flat feeling. I did not have any clients until 6pm, so I had over 5 hours to fill which may have worried me to some extent. I just didn't have the motivation to do anything, so it was a mix of a few emails, the forum and games on my phone. Made me feel like I was wasting my life which is never a good feeling.

 

Then when it came to going to clients I realised I had a bit of cabin fever... after only 5 and a bit hours! Very strange, but it was short lived. Was fine after I was with first client for a while. Then flatness went away and was fine for the evening until an hour or so ago, then as you know, stress had toppled me quite a bit... So, time for some relaxation I think. 

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless


#902 LDN

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Posted 02 November 2019 - 12:33 AM

PM tonight brother. Knackered here but doing better than yesterday. Will fill you in more tomorrow if that is ok!

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless


#903 invalidusername

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Posted 02 November 2019 - 05:54 PM

Good evening dear brother...

 

First and foremost, my sincere thanks for your brave act of last night - of which you are aware of what I speak. That took courage and it just shows how such things can really pay off. I am so grateful and so happy for this. Regardless of the pertaining outcome of this, I have maintained a presence on a rather busy forum today. Plenty of people to help, and I still feel my calling is there to do what I can. 

 

Also, what you mentioned about being moved to a new group in school is terrible. I had a friend who also was subject to the very same thing and knowing what he went through, you have my every sympathy. I went to quite a strict all boys school and the teachers really did not like me purely because I would often break the mould by wearing the wrong footwear and not cutting my hair. I specifically remember being told that "I would amount to nothing" on many occasions. Maybe this is why I have pursued a life of academia, I don't know. I think it would have happened regardless, and I do not wish to give such low-minded people the benefit of my success. This is also the very reason why I will not have my intellect insulted - least of all by people who do not consider all relevant facts, let alone people who do not know me. But I am happy to say that I have mellowed... a few years ago now someone called me "a stupid idiot" for explaining an issue that he had wrongly accused me of and I ended up hitting him and he ended up in the ER! I do feel bad, but that was the old me, but it just shows how these thing can take seed at a younger age.

 

Now you made the point of mentioning the book again! I really want to give you a push with this. I know there is not a great deal that you can do with regards to moving it forward, but there are plenty of very small things that you could do in the meantime. I honestly think you could write such an amazing book about your life and experiences. It is this sort of thing that people are looking for in this newer age. The means by which you have reached such an enlightened position in your life is truly amazing. I have no intention of pushing you, but my help is always here. I know my book was quite different, but there are lots of transferable skills between one author and another. I don't think your book needs to be quite the size of my own! I just had no idea how much information was going to come out of my research when I started!

 

As I already said, the weather was relentless down here. Wind, rain consistent all day! That said, I still braved the outside for 20 minutes for a walk. I got absolutely hammered by the weather and despite being right in the middle of the town, I only saw one other person! The weather was really THAT bad. But I just had to get outside to get some air - even for a few minutes. I didn't feel quite as bad as yesterday with the cabin fever, but the morning still took some getting used to. A lot of time to be doing nothing does that to you. However, this did lift and I was soon reading, and then moved onto my study, so all in all, not a bad day.

 

You didn't mention much in the way of your own day yesterday, so you have two days to catch up on! So will sign off and await your reply. My thanks again for all you helped with over the last 24 hours. So very grateful and proud of you man.

 

Love you!

 

God Bless


#904 LDN

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Posted 02 November 2019 - 11:06 PM

Hey man, yeah great to hear about your day being decent!! Delighted about that! It was a bit rainy and windy in London but not too bad, nothing like what you had. I love this weather though, so for me I actually enjoy getting out! Well done though for getting a walk in!! Really happy you could get some study and reading in!! 

 

So I have realised I am suffering from burn out. A severe case of being run down, so I am going to try and doing everything in my power to make the next few weeks as simple as possible. Cancel everything that is not essential. 

 

I have a skype tomorrow morning so this will have to be a bit short tonight, so sorry about that brother. I really really don't feel like it, but it is about my GI results so I have to do it. I say tomorrow morning but it is 2pm. That is just way too early for me right now!! So I need an early night! 

 

After the skype, then got therapist on Wednesday, but nothing for the rest of the week. 

 

So Friday was a bit better but just struggling with this severe exhaustion mentally. I feel so emotionally and mentally fatigued. Can barely think at the moment. Things are much better than earlier in the week, but I still not myself at all. I am really sorry about this. Just have to vitality, energy. Can barely string two thoughts together. LOL! 

 

Today again didn't feel great at all but it wasn't close to earlier in the week. Mon to Thurs has left me seriously traumatised if I am honest. That was just crazy levels of mental pain. Obviously I described as best I could in the PM the states of pain I was in. As I said when i get my severe depression it just transcends anything else I have ever experienced. The torment is just beyond any possible description. It is like a sort bad out of body experience. Truly and utterly terrifying. Appalling negative thoughts pushing your sanity to the very limit. But thankfully the last two days haven't seen such levels of horror. 

 

I did a another 7 minute walk outside but managed 30 minutes of garden mindfulness! That surprised me, as I thought I would only manage about 5 minutes. But I was enjoying it so I stayed out, I only knew how long I was when I came back in. I don't keep track of time when I'm out, just in the moment. Do your parents have a garden? I don't know if you would like it as much as me, but I was thinking of just how much it helps me. Just calms the brain so much. It's a double positive of fresh air and meditation/mindfulness. As I say we are all different and have different preferences, but i still thought I would mention it. 

 

Also I forget to tell you but my initial disappointment about not having anything show up that explains my chronic fatigue on the CT scan was soothed yesterday, when my mum told me that my nutritional therapist told her that one of the things the specialist was mentioning as a possibility was a tumor! He just didn't use that word to scare me, but what he was describing was a pancreatic tumor! So not having that put things in context a bit for me! 

 

Really sorry I can't be longer man, but need so much sleep right now, and have this early start!! Thanks for such kinds words about the book, we'll definitely discuss it more! I would love that and really appreciate your insights! All my reading I am doing at the moment with spiritual stuff I see in a way as research, but it obviously helps me in the present first and foremost! 

 

I look forward to talking tomorrow brother! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless


#905 gail

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Posted 03 November 2019 - 08:17 AM

Ive been thinking since the beginning that London should write a book. When the time is right.

Love you both, you put a lot of energy in living, bravo!

#906 invalidusername

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Posted 03 November 2019 - 10:03 AM

Hey Gail - good to see you up and about on the forum!

 

Agree, when the time is right for our LDN's book. I am sure he will get there.

 

Much lovage to you my dear...


#907 invalidusername

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Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:15 PM

Hey man...

 

A burnout sounds about right and it makes perfect sense. So yes, the cure is to remain as calm as possible and don't do anything unless you absolutely have to. Just what I had a while back after all those 9am meetings. The problem is that I get anxious when I have to rest more than normal. I worry that my anxiety will get worse if I don't go out. This is why I get cabin fever so quickly. 

 

So, today was a couple of hours with my friend again which was good. But I woke up with a real emotional heaviness. Not anxiety or depression exactly, just a need to stop the world and get off. Everything that I could see or do had some negative connotation. People outside, work, my health - anything I could think of had something negative attached. It wasn't a nice feeling. My thoughts were fine when I woke, nothing bothering me, not bad dreams, and my head was much better, so there was no real reason for it. I can only think that after 3 days on being back on the homeopathic remedy that it has caused this. I need to keep experimenting, but I really don't want to be in a situation where I can be less depressed but have my head issues, or take the remedy, feel more depressed by not have head issues. It is never simple is it... Just so tired of still trying to fix these physical problems caused by all the damn pills.

 

Anyway - you had the skype meet this morning? What was the news? Need to know what was found and what it all means!! Especially after this tumour you mentioned. I can well understand that 2pm is early. You sleep later than me, but 2pm is the earliest I consider a client. I cannot just jump out of bed, and neither can I eat breakfast so soon after I wake. My stomach cannot take it.

 

But good that you only have one appointment for the rest of the week. I think this will help a lot; both physically and mentally.

 

Sorry to hear that you had a rough day, but on the plus side, it was better than earlier in the week. I hope that you have seen the end of that part of it now. I think the shock factor had a lot to do with it, in which case, you will not go back that far again. That will be a huge achievement in itself, to have got over something like that in the space of a few days. I do remember some time in the early summer last year when the doctor had switched me to some other drug for 10 days before I found out it didn't work and went straight back to my citalopram. The 5 days which followed was the worse I have ever experienced. I was in bed for almost the whole time. It was so frightening. But it did help that I knew it was the drugs and that it would pass, but like you say, it transcends everything and how you went through that for years having only done 5 days is beyond me. I can't even bear to think about it. The strength you must have had to muster is nothing short of phenomenal.

 

Yes, parents have a wonderful garden as they live out in the countryside. The back onto a field with no houses in sight! It is the perfect place to unwind and whenever I get the chance, I am out there in the quiet and thinking to myself. I would like to try the medative walking too having read so much about it.

 

Right. Need to unwind before the week starts. Monday can be a real pain, but I am working on that too. It is only a day like any other, but there is always the pressure attached to it being the start of the week knowing that you have 5 straight days of responsibility. 

 

Much love and light brother

 

God Bless


#908 LDN

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Posted 03 November 2019 - 10:19 PM

Hey Gail!! 

 

Thank for such kind words! You have always been so kind to me and lifted me up and gave me confidence! I am so so blessed to have met you! You are truly SPECIAL!!!

 

Thank you dear Lord for Gail! Thank you so much dear Lord!! 

 

I hope you are well my love! 

 

You are so inspiring and so brave! 

 

God Bless!! 

 

I love you so much!

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE


#909 LDN

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Posted 03 November 2019 - 11:41 PM

Hey man so i found so the expert thought I might have an Insulinoma. This requires surgery but then almost always is fine, mostly they are not cancerous. So it could have explained my fatigue. Obviously surgery isn't ideal, but I wouldn't have minded if it meant relieving the fatigue!! So even though my nutritional therapist said it was a good I didn't have it, I would really like anything that can explain this non ending fatigue. But it is what it is, got my hopes up again for them to get crushed! It is obviously not in God's plan for me to get better yet and I totally accept that. He knows what best for me, much better than I do in this earthly form I am currently in. But obviously it is still disappointing when you hear of a possible way out of my condition and then it is a false hope. 

 

The plan for the faecal overload is to have dates as a natural laxative, plus get a special massage treatment to improve my autonomic nervous system. Also I have been suggested a book on self help for the vagus nerve and the Polyvagal theory. Plus some pancreatic enzymes and MCT oil. So apart from the massage, not of the other stuff I need to go out for.

 

The session was actually enjoyable but since then been feeling just very exhausted and lethargic. Plus still struggling with the trauma that I went through. I can feel a lot of tension in me. A lot of fear and apprehension. Almost like PTSD. I had this before. Because my depression is so so aggressive, you come out of it like you have been abused. It is very hard to relax. Plus add in the obsessive negative thoughts, which are so intense. Feeling like losing your identity is very disturbing experience. I was basically in a torture chamber for those 4 days and people who have been tortured need a lot of support to get over it, you know? So I feel like that. Also feel a bit like a scared animal, like my lovely cat who was abused. At first when we got her she would be constantly flinching and running away. It was so sad to see how traumatised she was. I feel like I constantly almost mentally flinching. I was crying a lot those 4 days, but that has dried up. 

 

So sorry for that darkness man, but the positive is that while it is tough I am can tell you for sure it would way way worse right now, if it wasn't for my mindfulness and mental work. I haven't been panicking too much and have get pretty calm. 

 

Also on my cat, did I tell I have been dreaming of her a lot? I don't think i have. I wrote a note to remind me to tell you! Apparently she has been doing so well since the summer I was with her. My parents said she has been so calm. It makes me so happy to think that the time we had together was obviously very therapeutic for her, as well as for me. I miss her a lot right now!! I am so happy that the love we shared might have healed something from her abused past. I can't believe what a bond we have. Amazing what relationships can be forged between humans and animals. Thinking of her running to me, every time I kneel down. She came with me all the way to the bottom of the garden like that! Getting me emotional right now LOL!!! Sometimes you just have a chemistry with an animal I think. Just like with humans. Normally with cats I think they come to you when they want affection, but with her it was both. I could seek her out and then she would cuddle. 

 

I saw a cat on my walk today, a I gave a few strokes but it didn't seem bothered LOL!! When I stroke and cuddle my cat in the country she is so affectionate. She'll be rubbing against me, stretching her claws, purring so much. Sometimes she will lay her head on my chest and just stare into my eyes! To be honest not to sound too weird but it's almost romantic LOL!! Still it was nice to see a cat today. 

 

Sorry about that emotional heaviness man, but happy that you saw your friend! That must have been nice! I'm pleased to hear that! Sorry for being a bit self absorbed right now but I just don't feel myself. But as I explained above there is a reason for feeling like this. At least I enjoyed the skype session which was an hour and half and I was sharp throughout it. It was also very informative and I felt really satisfied with how it went. I was expecting it to be horrible, knowing how mentally exhausted I am. 

 

Keep your great work going man! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless


#910 invalidusername

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Posted 04 November 2019 - 06:11 PM

Hey brother...

 

Shame that the answer to your fatigue was not found this time around, but don't discount the fact that you should still feel the benefit of getting all the rest of this stuff sorted out. Like you say, this isn't part of your plan at the moment, but the time will come. But I can still empathise with the disappointment from the news. Will just have to see what the odds and sods that they are getting you to take do for your overall health, and good that there isn't anything that will overload your schedule. This is really important as you said yesterday. As I only know too well, stress can be a really nasty one to tackle.

 

Interesting that the vagus nerve has been mentioned as I was looking into this only the other day. It was the stimulator that caught my eye first and there are a few mixed reviews about the effectiveness, but there is plenty of scientific method behind it. I would be very interested in what you find out about this.

 

Today wasn't too good for me. I woke with this horrible stress/anxiety thing again. I realised this time that it happens just as I am drifting back to sleep. It is like a hypnic jerk, but instead of the jerk, it is a stab of anxiety. It is horrible as I can't quite keep myself awake, so I am at the mercy of this horrible thing going on. I will admit that the last two days I didn't do my meditation until too late and I ended up sleeping within minutes of starting. So I have made a new plan to meditate at three points during the day - if my mood allows. That way missing one will not be quite so bad, but I do think this is the way forward. 

 

I also had a MASSIVE exposure today that I didn't mention. The doctor called me it to "have a word" about my mental health. I didn't realise it was a new doc that had joined the surgery until later, so that worried me. I was OK until I got to the surgery and the waiting room was full of people and sweaty. I was 5 minutes early, but soon realised just how far behind the doctor was running. It was horrible not knowing quite how far, but I had to sit there on my own looking at the clock for half an hour! It was a real test for my anxiety. It reached a point and never went passed that. No panic, just fairly uncomfortable anxiety. Then I had 20 minutes with this new doctor asking all these questions. He then offered me another pill - a tricyclic of all things. Naturally I refused. No way am I going on another pill. I just can't risk being ill yet again. I want answers to the mess that the current one has me on at the moment. The answer is not in throwing more pills at it...

 

Lovely that you can think of you cat during these times of hardship. I remember that photo you sent in the garden where you are crouching down and the cat has run to you on the grass... you can see the delight and love in your face! Strangely enough, my weekend friend's cat does exactly the same with me. As soon as I get there and sit down, he comes straight for me and sits on my lap. And according the to the family, he always runs away from anyone who isn't family. I am the only one that he will tolerate, so to be making a fuss of me is very strange according to them. I just think cats can pick up a lot. Their cat also had been through a bit having got run over by a car about 4 years ago. He had a fractured pelvis and had to go through a fair bit, but he made a full recovery! He has a funny wiggle at the back when he walks, but is fine!!

 

So, a bit congrats from me on that 90 minute Skype session. That must have taken a fair bit out of you. I know from my skype meetings with my supervisor just how much that takes it out of me, so to be talking about medical stuff but double the pressure. I do hope you were able to get a good rest in today. The start of many. I was really lucky that the client booked right after my doctors appointment cancelled just as I was walking back to the car after seeing the doc. Was a relief as I then was able to go home for about 45 minutes to relax a bit. We both need to look back on these with compassion now. This is so important. What we have done would be stressful for anyone - even healthy people, so we really must learn to recognise that. You were told this for your homework, and I was then told by you - so we have no excuse!! LOL...

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless


#911 LDN

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Posted 05 November 2019 - 12:06 AM

Hey man I just had to write a massive email to my therapist about the last 4 weeks she has been away and my head is just not in a good place right now. So sorry this might a bit of a rubbish message from me. I'm not capable at the moment of writing more than one long message a night. I used to be but since the breakdown last week, I am not the same person. It's annoying, I feel very limited right now. When I realised I had to email my therapist my heart just sank!! But it had to be done, she needs to know what has gone on last 4 weeks. I'm worried about how low my mental resources are right now. I feel so bad compared to before last week! 

 

I'm sorry for your difficult day and these mornings. I think your analysis sounds spot on and once the overall levels of stress are reduced, then hopefully it will improve. Have looked up ways to reduce cortisol? I think osteopath and acupuncture may help. But definitely meditation and mindfulness help. So that sounds a good idea to increase your amount. I really find taking a mindful approach to everything I do helps a lot. That is the ultimate goal of meditation for some people, to be in a state of being present 24/7. Some of the top meditators, who have done it for years, they lucid dream so they are literally present even in their dreams. Obviously that is an elite level though. But I do find it's good to not think about meditation as something you just do at set times but gradual process of reaching a new planes of consciousness. I'm not saying don't do designated meditation, absolutely not, but more apply what you learn in the sitting meditation into your non meditation time. I mentioned before it is like touch typing and the Dalai Lama said in the book I am reading it is like swimming or learning to ride a bike - really tough at first but then becomes something you can do without thinking. Really great you are motivated to do it, obviously from my experience it has been an incredible discovery and as I mentioned my state right now would be a lot worse without it for sure. 

 

Also massive congrats for that exposure today man! Wow! That must have been intense! I felt in the room with you reading that! Massive congrats for coming through that! Another big achievement! Damn that was so stressful to just read that!! Again massive well done for coming through that!! 

 

My day was not great, just not myself at all. Tired, weak, fragile, exhausted, run down. I just feel on the edge a lot. But as I say I'm dealing with it as best I can. 

 

In terms of the vegas nerve the book is called - Activate Your Vegas Nerve by Navaz Habib. It was meant to come today but amazon must have misplaced it. It mentions breathing exercises and mindfulness. 

 

Remind me tomorrow to tell you about my experience with a cat today! It was an amazing! Man I need a pet here in London!! 

 

Sorry for being so brain dead!! I don't have to write an essay length email tomorrow night hopefully!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless


#912 invalidusername

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Posted 05 November 2019 - 06:49 PM

Evening brother...

 

Sounds like we are both having a busy one at the moment. I am behind getting some of my thesis over to my supervisor, so I have been racking up the hours and really in need of a rest. I need to get my meditation in as have only done 15 minutes today. Yesterday I got almost 2 hours in, and it paid off this morning as the stress wasn't there. Very pleased. So might be a short one with a PM to follow tomorrow. Really got to balance these things out... work, shopping, study and health. Damn - just shows you.. I put health last and work first!! What does that say about me!! LOL...

 

Glad you got that email off and hope you were able to rest as a result. Thing is that it brings all the thoughts to front of your mind. It never just magically disappears once you have written it and sent it off. I can well understand that you feel bad by comparison to a couple of weeks ago, but after what happened, it is to be expected. It is not your fault, it is just the fortune that was dealt to you at the time. The part to focus on is that you did everything that was expected of you. You could have easily called stuff off, turned around at re-arranged, but no, you pressed on and got the job done. Huge strength of character man. Just make sure you care for yourself.

 

Funny thing happened this evening. One of my clients mentioned Avril Lavigne and "poor her" for a couple of years following Lymes disease. You can guess where I went next! My dear friend in London.... 7 years.... Germany.... ketamine... the whole 9 yards. You should have seen the look on her face. And she has been through a fair bit herself in her time. I don't think there is anything that life can throw at you now that you cannot deal with, and THAT is a truly impressive place to be.

 

Regarding the cortisol, I need to get more sunshine, get involved in exercise and continue the meditation and mindfulness. But the exercise and more walking will need to wait as I am still quite weak from the physical stuff that continues to ail me. I can't think about it too much as it really sets me off. However, during another client this afternoon, she was off doing something that I knew would take a good 5 minutes, so I sat in her chair and had myself a mini-meditation session. Thinking about what you said last night. You can do this stuff anywhere. So what if it just 5 minutes. It is good practise. It is like Jon Kabat-Zinn (is it?!) who says you take it everywhere with you. This is how I want to be. I can always sit in the car between commitments and get a few minutes in just to give me a booster!

 

The exposure didn't affect me too much today, although I did have some anxious thinking whilst out and about, but just got on with it, and it soon passed. I am not letting myself get caught up in how I was 18 months ago. I am stronger than that....

 

I looked up the book you mentioned, and there are a whole load of books on the vagus nerve out there. I didn't realise how big it all was. They have obviously recommended that one for a reason, so again, I will be interested to hear what you find. Did I say about the little electric devices that you stick to you neck that stimulate the nerve? Not sure about them... but I think I will wait to see what you find out. I can't think that a little £30 device is going to be the answer to all our prayers!! LOL.

 

You asked me to remind you about the cat? Your experience with it yesterday... do tell!! Along with lot of relaxing I hope you also did today!

 

Love you very much brother

 

God Bless


#913 LDN

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Posted 05 November 2019 - 11:01 PM

Hey brother! Man those are such kind words and trust me right now to read that was just so uplifting and actually quite emotional for me! Your encouraging and really believe in me and that means so much! You get bogged down with the negativity of your situation and your thoughts and then to read such nice things is so healing. That really touched me deeply what you wrote and I must say given me a transmission of such good energy! With everything you have on, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love brother!! 

 

I am so pleased and excited you fitted in a little meditation session!! Brilliant! That is exactly what I was talking about! 5 minutes here and there I think will really help! Also even 5 minutes I find is so refreshing! I really come out of meditation feeling so much more vibrant! It feels almost like i have detoxified!! The more the do scientific studies on the brain's of meditation masters, the more fascinating things they discover!

 

Check out this link below! 

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm...les/PMC2944261/

 

As you will see it says meditation literally changes the structure and function of our brains!! That is incredible right? Also I know this study is of extreme meditators, but I would personally I have felt a pretty considerable change in my habitual brain patterns and I am by no means experienced. I have also found a drastic change in how I react to stress. I only started reading about Buddhism in January this year!! I must admit I have been pretty shocked at how quickly these changes have come on, all the books say this stuff takes ages!! Genuinely taken aback at what a drastic change I have encountered in such a short space of time! Obviously my life situation is suited to it. So if you really embrace this stuff it really does pay off. I expect in the future they will find more and more scientific results backing up how it alters our minds! Personally meditation has helped my anxiety 10 times more than any drug! But then you can't really sell meditation LOL!! It's free that's the problem!! It took me 7 years of being ill to finally find this! Why wasn't it suggested earlier? That is what really interests me is getting the word out there. I have very extreme mental health, so think how much it would help people with mild mental health conditions? My sister has anxiety but doesn't take drugs and is starting to get into mindfulness. I didn't want to push it, but if she mentions it I will obviously be really enthusiastic. My brother has also gotten quite into mindful living as well! Plus my dad is now doing retreats at a Catholic monastery, which is obviously a lot of silence and contemplation! So I thinks it's rubbing off LOL!! Pity mindfulness is free in this context otherwise I could get a nice little commission LOL!! 

 

Also in regards to that link Richard Davidson has done a lot of testing I think and I see he has a few books out, so might have to have a look! There is just too much to read right now man!! 

 

Also I really excited to hear the stress wasn't there when you put in those 2 hours! That just shows you man!! A massively congrats for putting in the hard yards and having such a positive and proactive approach! Really excited where this could lead for you brother!! Really really proud of you brother!

 

You can probably tell my mood is a bit better tonight. Today was a solid day. Just sleeping basically and resting but between sleeps my mood was a bit more vibrant and I felt more myself. I won't go into it tonight but I have realised that there was actually a lot going on under the surface in the last few months but because I have been so busy with exposures i haven't really noticed it. Basically I have had a massive year of change and my whole outlook on life has changed and I haven't really had time to take in the massive steps made since March this year. The amount of things I have ticked off is just crazy as well, in terms of exposures. 

 

So the cat yesterday! I was just walking down the street and I saw these two cats running along on the other side of the road following an elderly couple. Then they stopped and the elderly couple walked on. So I crossed the road and these two grey cats were identical. I tried to stroke them but they didn't seem too interested at all. I waited a while just watching them but I thought ok I won't bother them. Then after walking on for quite a while, one of them starting running after me. It got to me and I stroked it a bit and then I turned the corner and it followed me again. It followed me all the way down the street, it would sniff around peoples front doors and then if I was a bit ahead, come running after me. I then crossed the road and it crossed with me. Then it ran off into a garden. I waited for ages but it didn't come back. It was jumping of leaves as if they were mice, so cute! Maybe that was it's home? After a long time waiting I just walked home. But it still followed me for a street and a half which was so cool! It left it's identical mate as well, no idea what happened to him/her! I said to my mum after I have to get a pet soon in London soon! Just become obsessed with animals at the moment! 

 

Keep up the great work man! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless


#914 invalidusername

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Posted 06 November 2019 - 06:30 PM

Hey brother...

 

Feel very relaxed to be here writing to you this evening. Been feeling somewhat lonely in this big old world. Even though you are not here, it still feels good knowing that you are there reading. Felt really disconnected this morning when I woke up and as if nothing was worth doing... life in general was not worth doing. Not an overall nice feeling. But no stress and no anxiety at all. I was fine once I got up and about and this evening I am back to my usual positive self. I am thinking it could be the remedy I don't know, but the depression I usually get is never this passive. Really getting tired of all this experimenting with stuff. I just want soe uniformity in my symptoms. You hear all these people that are just depressed, or just anxious... I don't have a clue as to what I will be from one day to the next. Its this lack of control that really gets to me....

 

Sorry to start on a low note, but need to let you know how I am feeling and it was quite a strong one today. Still managed all my work commitments though including a new one where I had to stay for nearly 2 hours, but as I said, there was absolutely no anxiety there at all. Not even a little bit - just this passive mood. It is like it inhibits me getting anxious - very strange.

 

Thanks for the link. I have downloaded the pdf of the paper and added it to my bits I need to print off. I don't like reading academic papers off the screen - never have done. I need to have the paper in my hands to read properly. Will have a look later, but I wouldn't have thought that the funds were around in 2008 for this sort of research. There is a huge amount to be uncovered by all this. Just because it isn't a pill, it is assumed that it will not do anything. But thoughts can make us do so many things - thoughts change our brains every second! Thought can mimic the effects of pills! Why on earth shouldn't meditation be able to do these things. I remember reading one paper that had students do an experiment where they were asked to take part in filling in a wordsearch. Each student was timed at a different interval. They came in the entrance, walked along the corridor and into the room. Filled in the wordsearch and walked out again. What they didn't know is that they were being timed from the point of walking in to getting into the room and then back again. Half of the students were given wordsearches with and "old related" theme such as rest home, walking stick etc and the other half just random words. What they found was that the student who did the "old theme" wordsearch took 50% longer to walk back to the door than they did walking in!! That is amazing!!

 

 

Think it is great that your family is getting into this stuff, and you have done a fantastic job in being an advocate and example of what is capable through its practice. Speaking of which, I need to get round to mine. I haven't stopped yet for my sessions. 

 

Lovely story about the cat. I would imagine that cats would have been a lot more cautious up there. I know you have a nice neighbourhood, but it is still London! But they can latch on to people. They can tell the difference between bad and good mannered people. I think you will find this to be the case with you more and more as you meet more cats. I have always found this. Another funny thing is that I have taught my cat to headbutt me!! Just like you crouch down for your cat, when my cat comes to me I lower my head towards his and he headbutts me!! It is so funny. Every time he does it! He gets a fuss afterwards of course.

 

Glad to hear that you had a better day. A bit of getting back into routine and a lot of rest will go a long way as I said. It is good that you are noticing just how much you have got covered during the course of this year. I will be looking at mine in terms of effort and what I have got through rather than progress. I am sure there is progress there, but the whole year seems to be a bit of a blur for me. Your exposures are a great measure of progress, and I suppose the new client today is a good one for me. That wouldn't have happened last year for sure. It is just all the stress that I have gone through this year that has been out of my control that has done it. My depression should not be there, but I am confident that the therapy will help. I also need the wife to get a bit more confident as well. Very difficult to find motivation myself when she doesn't want to do anything herself. I can't focus on keeping myself sane and getting her to do stuff as well, but I feel like I a joined to her by this massive rubber band you know. I can only get so far with my progress before she pulls me back in. If that makes sense....

 

Anyway - need to get to my meditation. Thanks for listening/reading my waffle this evening. A bit strange as I said and trying to get it all out to make way for a new tomorrow and whatever that will bring. Good morning are possible - I have seen them!! I just want some more!!

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless


#915 LDN

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Posted 06 November 2019 - 11:19 PM

Hey man really pleased you feel that way, because I am absolutely here for you and with you on this journey we face! You have the same effect on me brother! Sorry to hear about the strange feeling, i know what you mean about how exhausting it is with always something new coming up! I have had such a litany of bizarre states over these years! Eventually it all seems to just blur into one, at least for me it does. Except for the mega depression, which always stands out as the absolute worst. 

 

I didn't have a great day, had therapy but it was just going over what has happened the last few weeks since she has been away. Sometimes I just get so fed up of seeing 'professionals'. I have seen doctors none stop since around 2012, just bored of it. I have this sort of negative feeling towards the profession since I feel they haven't really got me anywhere. It is completely irrational because they have all tried their best and have all been really nice people. I just sometimes feel when with my therapist or p doc, this is so 'professional' and clinical. They are the most lovely people and it nothing on them, but just simply I am doctored out. I like it on here because it's a proper relationship i have with you. It would be better if i had more friends to be honest but it is just so difficult as I am so weak. I do have my family which helps a lot. Funny thing is the meditation I found myself and that has been my best treatment for years LOL!! All these doctors and the best thing I found myself!! When you have a condition as complex as mine you have to think outside the box of conventional medicine. Sorry for this rant LOL! But 8 years of doctors takes it toil. Osteopaths are different. They tell you all about their lives and it's a real friendship. My Buddhist osteopath tells me all about her kids and it we talk all about spirituality, it feels more like a normal interaction. Same with my ME osteopath, she is always emailing me with suggestions and it feels like such a nice friendship. I guess they have less guidelines but I appreciate the humanity of it. Man the stuff my ME osteopath has told me all about trauma in her family and stuff like that, really deep stuff. It just feels so much more human. But I understand that doctors have special codes of conduct and rules. Feel a bit disillusioned but i know it's not personal but just how they are taught to work. 

 

Massive well done for a new client and 2 hours as well!! That is seriously impressive brother! I was about to say and at the start of a new week as well, then realised it was Wednesday! LOL! That is where my head is right now!! I thought today was Monday!! 

 

My therapist agreed with me that I should have some time off and said that was a way of showing self compassion. But I have all these appointments to fit in. All the GI stuff has me already behind with osteopaths and then I have to see this new one as well for my autonomic nervous system! I need time off but I need to do these appointments as well. Took 2 weeks off with all this GI stuff and now I am behind! I haven't seen my ME osteopath for almost 4 weeks already and it's meant to be every 3 weeks! As I mentioned above I really enjoy going but at the moment I want nothing. Also the new osteopath we need my speech about the last 8 years etc and I can't be bothered to repeat it for the 1000th time LOL! 

 

Ranty mood tonight sorry brother! 

 

Hope the meditation went well! I started the book of the vagus nerve and initially thought oh here we go! It was 'this book will change your life' etc. and I when I read stuff like that I don't tend to trust them. But I carried on and the actual content is fascinating! I will update you as I go on! No idea why they have to put in these introductions of huge general statements when the book is made up of such interesting content! Luckily I kept going anyway! 

 

Your are doing great man!

 

Love you so much brother!

 

God Bless!


#916 invalidusername

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Posted 07 November 2019 - 06:19 PM

Hey brother....

 

Back at my favourite haunt again... and again nice to know you are there. And what you say about the "professionals" is absolutely right. I have said this so many time. When the pharmaceutical companies don't understand their own drugs, how on earth can the doctors know what they are doing. It is like I said to this new doctor at the surgery when he offered the tricyclic... I said, you have no idea whether this will work do you? His answer was honest in telling me that he didn't. How can people just sit there are try these things on us like some damn lab animals. It is all money. I am sure we could get together with some other mad scientist and come up with an anti-depressant that would work as efficienty as the rest of them!! We'll call it Londiun :)

 

The people in your private health support network sound wonderful. I did think to myself when you mentioned all these people you see about how you managed it, but I can see that this will be really good for you in so many ways. Sounds like you are finding all the stuff you need to know through the people that shouldn't be advising you about it! But this is how it work when all the red tape isn't getting in the way. And yes - this book. That good? I need to know about it!

 

Some good news this end. I got a call and my therapy starts next week!! One down side however - they have moved their premises. They are now using rooms in a hug building in the middle of town. Impossible to park, then a walk around loads of people, and then sitting in a waiting area that will have loads of other people waiting to see the many business that are under this 5 storey building. My anxiety kicked right in after the call and I spent 2 hours becoming an expert in the many routes to the building. How far I would need to walk, which way would be quickest, which would be quietest. I was going crazy with all this stuff. I am sure after the first time, it will be easier, so I will just take a good dose of valium for the first session, and see what happens!

 

I also threw caution to the wind with my stress and did the front brakes on the car today! To compliment the rears that I did a couple of weeks ago. Couple of hours, but it all went fine and quite proud of myself. I decided that there was never going to be the right time. Any time I choose is going to be a time to worry, so I had the time free, so I just went ahead and did it. Then a massive shopping trip after 3 clients. So I might have overdone it a bit. Need to stock up on the meditation again this evening!

 

Glad your therapist was making a point of you having more time off. I know you knew this already, but the more people that drive it into you, the better! Being behind with the appointments will not have helped your overall condition as well. You really need to give yourself a break in how you are feeling. There was just so much going on. I am seriously impressed that you had those few days into the dark side, and then started coming back out. I know you are still working on it, but you are heading the right direction. This could have so easily been a slippery slope, and you did it man. YOU. Not pills, or anyone else. Your tools and so forth that you have been getting used to and perfecting since the start of the year. It is really encouraging to see. Hope for all people in your position. Just need to remember this all for you book!! LOL.

 

Right - time to slow down and think about this meditation. No stress again this morning - still a bit of a low mood on and off, but still unsure on the remedy. Still need to give it a few more days. Will keep you updated...

 

Much love my dear brother

 

God Bless


#917 LDN

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Posted 07 November 2019 - 11:18 PM

Hey brother! Aw man what an awesome post to read! Where to start!! So a massive congrats for the front brakes!! YES man!! I was buzzing when I read that!! What a great mentality you had! I completely agree with every word you said there! Just go for it! There will never be a 'perfect' time!! I have learned this myself, i would put things off waiting for the 'right moment', but then that 'right moment' never came!! Also you never know how you will react. Some times your having a bad day and think doing something will be terrible but actually it can go amazing! Equally you could be having a good day and then something can be a bit of a let down or not so great an experience. Obviously if you need rest it is best to rest, but in general the right time to do stuff is NOW. If you want to do something then do it, don't wait for life to be ready, take some control. Yes you might feel anxious or depressed a bit but doing something in that state is actually a really powerful statement to the depression. Depression you won't stop me, you can be there that's fine, but you won't stop me from doing what I want! That is a very empowering message and changes the dynamic of your relationship to the depression. You now are not be controlled by the depression. That is the thing. Yes we can't control is the depression comes or goes, but we can control how we react to it!! It doesn't have to control your life, once you realise the reaction is the key, and WE CONTROL THE REACTION! By letting go and just going 'what I have got to loose, let's do it', we are in fact gaining much more control of our lives!! That is the paradox I have mentioned before!! Don't let the expectations or fears control you, let them be and just live. I know it is tough but today you showed it can be done!!

 

So man you should be massively proud of yourself!! I was so happy to read you say that you felt proud of yourself! My heart lit up!! I almost said YES out loud! That is the so great to see your are now realising how great you are doing!! Also this stuff took me literally years to work out and you are progressing so quickly!! I myself am massively proud of you brother!! 

 

Also 3 clients plus a massive shopping trip!! WOW! What a day brother! You really are making amazing strides right now!! This is amazing to see!! 

 

Fantastic news about the therapist man! That is tough situation in terms of it's placement but at least it means it an exposure you can discuss in session, plus as you say after the first session it should be easier. My therapist moved from one place to another. I was really settled where she was and gutted she had moved. Plus she moved right next to Victoria station and that made me anxious. But in the end it meant I could use the area for exposures, so it actually worked out well. Also just before I started seeing my therapist she moved from just down the road from me! That would have been perfect but then I wouldn't have been doing these exposures right in central London and I wouldn't have got out of my area. So what I'm saying is it is tough for you but maybe in the long run it could be a positive! 

 

Londiun LOL! Yeah firstly they found out these drugs by accident - they were for made for tuberculosis! Pure luck and plus they don't even know why they work! I have heard it might be because they have anti inflammatory qualities for example. But obviously for the drug companies this was a dream! The drug companies then fund the medical schools. Look at this link - https://www.theguard...inessofresearch. I don't really need to add anything that says it all!! If the top academics don't know what's going on, which is the case, then your GP isn't!! The drug companies are scared of anything 'alternative' that will affect their profit. I'm sure there is the odd fraud, but then there is in every industry. All the people i have met have been top class. 

 

Today I got another 26 minutes of garden meditation which was really nice. Yesterday night also listened to music for the first time since I got depressed at the beginning of last week. So slowly moving forwards but gradual as always. My therapist was saying about struck she was reading my description of that 40 minute walk i went on and said that most people will never probably have states of mind like that, if you remember how transcendent and liberated I felt. So it shows that some good things come out of being ill. I certainly never reached states like that before I got ill just on a basic walk. I think most people live in a sort of steady state of things being decent, whereas for me I reached these really high states but also have the crushing lows as well. The mindfulness is enhancing the high states and softening the low states. And no bad side effects LOL! 

 

Also really happy about your morning man! Looks like the meditation is really making a difference, which is such a testament to your perseverance and positive mentality. Massive well done man!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God bless


#918 invalidusername

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Posted 08 November 2019 - 06:25 PM

Evening brother...

 

Thanks for all your kind words. Really helped this morning as I am still trying to get my head around this "never a perfect moment" thing, as I do think there is something very much in this. I had 5 hours worth of clients today - plus the time between, and I thought I would never make it, but then the same consideration came.. just go and do it. Nothing stressful - it was all light work. But this morning I was still held up on this change of premises situation for my therapy.

 

So... I left a few minutes before work and I went to where I had decided to park the car, and did the walk and went into the building and just sat for a minute or two. It was uncomfortable, but I thought it would be a good idea to at lease try to out before next week. This was all done without any special K or valium or anything, so what I felt was the worse it could be. I was tired of having all these things in my head, so I just said to myself, just go to the damn place and stop worrying about it all. From where I parked the car, it is only a 4 minute walk. Admitedly, there are a lot of people walking around, but I will just have to deal with that. If it was anything other than therapy, I would be fine! The worry is all in the context of the appointment. The middle of town is not where you want to be when you are going through therapy in case something "too much" happens, and then even a 4 minute walk back to the car can seem like a major trek.. I am sure you know what I mean...

 

You are so right about us controlling the reaction. I needed to be told this - and not for the first time! It is just about getting into the right mindset, and I guess the more we practice these things which aids this mindset, the easier it will become.

 

So sounds like you had a bit of a rougher deal with your therapist is she was just down the road. I am not good with distances in London, so had to look it up... and 3.5 miles away in Victoria Station! That is quite a way from just down the road! And it's not like that is easy to drive in the East end on a weekday. But like you say, it helps with the exposures. It was obviously meant to be man...

 

Link was interesting, but I can well believe it. After some of the stuff that I have read - particularly to help people on the forum here. I posted a topic earlier after watching a TED talk about how 3 in 10 prescriptions given by doctors are not needed! That was a bit of a shock. Very worrying too. I always question my doctor after he screwed up my taper, but just to think what these people are doing in just nuts.

 

YES.. you got some more music in!! Well done man! Wasn't so long ago that you were doing that... the space is closing up. I am excited because I know just how amazing music is and the emotion that it can give. I am so happy. Its not slow man... this is very quick. Don't sell your progress short. The mindfullness and meditation has bought you a long way. I did an hour of mediation last night and even then I just didn't want to stop. I was in such a comfortable place around 2am. It was like coming round and waking up in some rotten back street alley or something... damn, I am still on earth!! LOL. I rarely do guided meditations any more as I don't like voices, unless my inner voice is too much and it needs something. I much prefer to go with my own visualisation, or just blank my mind completely. That takes some time, but as and when I reach that state, it is such a nice feeling. 

 

So how has your Friday been. Nothing on the agenda from what I remember, so hopefully another day of rest, short of cat watching and walking meditation! Will wait to hear about it all...

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless


#919 LDN

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Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:41 PM

Hey brother, I feel completely exhausted tonight for some reason, a bit disconcerting to be honest. I will do the best will my post. It is weird because yesterday I felt a lot more energy posting. Gets your hopes up and then you have a dip! At the same time it has been a very sleepy day and often those days are when you feel weakest. I woke up and it was already dark and then was back to bed soon and slept for another 2 hours 30 minutes. Some days it just gets me down how weak I am. I sleep for 9 hours and then crash out for another 2 1/2 hours soon after! I think reading this book on the vagus nerve isn't helping because I hate to read stuff to do with health. It rubs in how rubbish mine is. I've tried so many damn things and nothing has worked. That is why I like to read about spirituality in the evening to get me focussed beyond the flesh, beyond the shell. I have so many more spiritual books I want to read as well. But I was suggested this book and if some of the changes it suggests help then in the long term it will be worth it. But still it isn't good for my mental health having to read all about physical health! Really struggling with the self pity since last night. In one of the Buddhist books I read it something like if you really want something to happen it won't. I really relate to this in terms of my health. When I am obsessing over how rubbish my body is I just feel more weak and more fragile and miserable. When I'm not even thinking about getting better physically but focussing on my spiritual development as the priority, I often then feel stronger. Like that 40 minute walk, it smashed my record by 11 minutes, but I had no intention of doing a record walk at all that day. I was focussing on spiritual practices and then it just happened. 

 

Still I'm struggling with my purpose in life right now. What's the point of me if I am so weak I can't do anything? To be fair most of the stuff I want to do like travel is not something I need to do. I have my mind to travel anyway, as we have discussed. All will make sense in time, I just have to trust the flow and rhythm. Let the stream take me where it pleases. I am not in control and that is fine! The current of the stream is in charge and so I might as well enjoy the view!! God knows better than me, that is for sure!! I am doing my best and after that all you can do is let go! 

 

My faith is a bit up and down at the moment, I know that is normal for people to have doubts, but it is still uncomfortable. I have felt so close to God before and I wish it be like that always. I'm questioning my self and feel a bit empty spiritually. 

 

Oh man that is sensational you went to the therapy building! WOW! Respect!! Buzzing to hear that! That is amazing motivation and positivity! Seriously you had absolutely no need to do it but you still did out of choice! Take that in for a minute - you chose to do that, didn't have to!! That is so brilliant and a massive step! Yesterday the front brakes and today this!! Both of those you didn't have to do - but you still did!!! Man this is seriously exciting! I hope you are so proud of yourself! Honestly yesterday when I read about the brakes and then today I was almost bouncing with excitement LOL!! Seriously this feels such a big moment! I am so unbelievably proud of you! Properly buzzing here brother LOL!! You are doing so so well, this is brilliant! But remember that is 2 exposures in 2 days, so give yourself some time to take it in and rest. 

 

Plus 5 hours of clients!! Out of words here now LOL!! Simply awesome stuff! 

 

Sounds like a lovely meditation session you had last night! Some stuff in my book about cortisol and the vagus nerve and it might interest you. Basically when we are stressed and in fight or flight mode this is the sympathetic nervous system in action. The vagus nerve is activated when the parasympathetic nervous system is in action, the rest and digest time. So if you are stressed a lot then you are not activating the vagus nerve and then if it is not be activated enough it becomes weaker and less effective. It is like a muscle, it works best when in regular use. It says sleep is the gym of the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is really important for so many functions, so it is basically just explaining how stress affects how our body works. This is why meditation is so good because it makes it easier for people like you and me who have very stressful lives to break the constant state of fight or flight and have more time in the rest and digest state. 

 

Awesome post brother again today from you! Doing so well right now! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless


#920 invalidusername

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Posted 09 November 2019 - 06:09 PM

Hey man....

 

I'm going to kick off with some great news!! I woke feeling more or less normal!! I had one client early on which usually throws me, but it didn't, and I was waiting for something to happen but it didn't! I know I should have been resting, but I went and had an afternoon doing some light bits on the car and catching up with my parents and my cat. Came home, loads of food, nice bubble bath and a book. I cannot believe what has happened! Not a normal day, but a damn near brilliant day!! I need to calm a but though :)

 

So on to this book, I am aware of the sympathetic and non-sympathetic systems, but what is interesting is that you say that the vagus nerve almost gets lazy when it is not in use. Interesting... sleep of course I can understand. But this is sort of like a self-fulfilling circle though if you cannot get motivated to do such things to kick your vagus nerve into gear. Maybe there is something in this stimulating stuff. I think I will have a look to see if there are any papers detailing anything. I am not going purely on Amazon views alone. If nothing else, the last few purchases I have had included some money off thing if I left a good review. This is all wrong as you don't really know what you are buying any more. I wish Amazon would do something about that... But please fill me in as you read if you don't mind as this stuff is really interesting to me - and in turn I will let you know what I find out about this stimulation stuff.

 

Shame that you are feeling the exhaustion man. And sounds like it has caught you at the wrong moment when resources are trying to make a come back. But do recognise that exhaustion should still be expected even after a few days from the exposures. There is always that honeymoon period where you think you have got away with it, then the mood crash, and then the exhaustion. The mood crash is still exhausting you just as much as the exposures because of everything going on in your head. Silly how it all happens, but trying to help you keep a bit of perspective in all this.

 

The 9 hours sleep isn't so much. On a good day, I will have 8 hours, but 75% of the time I get around 7 hours as my brain switches on before my body! If nothing else, think of all that vagus nerve stimulation you are getting with this sleep!! Can you not switch when you read different books? Or do you have the one reading session per day? I usually have about 30 minutes after study and before dinner, and then another 30-45mins+ before sleep when unwinding. The second session will always be some kids fiction stuff where I can escape. Never anything heavy. 

 

I also think the obsessing over your body has become spiked and you are thinking more now than usual because of all the medical stuff that went on last week. Just like you said to me, the depression and low mood finds your weakest point and targets it - you remember you telling this to me not so long back? Well this is what is happening to you man! You have been so focused on your body because of what has been going on, that now you can't let it go because the mood is attacking you. At least I think that is what might be happening. Like I am always saying to you, it is obvious when someone tells you, but in the throws of it all, you can't see the wood for the trees. Nothing is rational. Just like my anxiety during the week, spending hours planning a route that is only 4 minutes long!

 

Your spiritual side will be fine brother. Allow it to have some off time. Self-compassion and all that will include not beating yourself up for when things like this happen. I need to remember this as my amazing day has started to worry me because inevitably it will have to go down - but this is what I need to learn. Not every day is going to be perfect. It is just not how life works. And this is what I have been seeking out. If a day isn't perfect then it is a failure. I need perspective. Will see what tomorrow brings...

 

Will be looking forward to hearing from you. Stay strong man - there is a very resiliant LDN underneath the goings on! Just read some of the recent posts to me. You speak a lot of sense and you know where you are going with it. We'll keep each other going!!

 

So much love brother

 

God Bless 


#921 LDN

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Posted 09 November 2019 - 10:39 PM

Hey brother what a wonderful message just like yesterday! Your flying right now!! I did tell you I had a good feeling for you!!! I really did feel strongly 2 weeks ago on Sunday, I remember it well! I saw you texted me and I had this really good feeling about you and it warmed my heart to feel it!! Just a intuition of positivity! But man I am over the moon to hear this!!! But I'm not surprised because you have been putting in the hard yards with the work you have been doing - meditation, positive thinking, taking risks!! Honestly you have been putting in some amazing work man, i can tell you that has been very noticeable from the outside!! This hasn't just come from nowhere, your work has led to this!! I have seen such a great attitude from you and such positive mentality. You have been putting in the hours of meditation as well, which is no mean feat and needs plenty of motivation!! So proud of you brother! You deserve this so much! And remember you don't have to worry about it ending because one of the reasons you got here, was abandoning waiting for the 'perfect moment' and just going for it. Your front brakes, then yesterday the therapy building! I am so so happy for you brother!! 

 

Don't worry about how long it lasts, just be in the moment, the present! Just I say don't run from anxiety, don't cling onto this good stuff. Just let it be! Just continue doing what you are doing with the meditation and mental approach to life! Today you have clear evidence of what it can lead to!! This shows what you are capable of - drugs didn't do this, you did it!! Your hard work and positivity and motivation!! It is all within you - all this stuff comes from YOU!!! This shows what you are capable of!! Massive massive congrats my brother! 

 

On the vagus nerve I think you basically work when the parasympathetic system is in action. So sleep, meditation, mindfulness. All these things are actually gym for the vagus nerve! I think the key is to keep the stress down. Also important to do things at a slow pace, like eating. Eating slowly and not in a rush is meant to be important. Plus breathing through your nose. The breathing should be deep belly breathes, where your belly expands and your shoulders rise up. To be honest most of the stuff it suggests I am already doing. But at least I know some more scientific benefits to it. It mentions cold showers! Not sure about that LOL!! My mum had suggested cold baths for my hemorrhoids! 

 

I have 9 hours but then a further 2 or 2 1/2 - so it's more like 11 1/2 or 12 hours some days! That is one thing I am sure good at! LOL!! 

 

Today was ok. No more cat sightings! But it was raining when I went on my walk and my garden meditation so that was nice! London in the rain is very atmospheric, especially at night! Like old London. Catching the rain in the street lights! Since all the pollution it is probably not the nicest stuff failing on me, but I try not to think about that LOL!! 

 

I do just one session of reading a day - don't have time with all my treatments and rest to do more! Hopefully should finish pretty soon, not long to go and then back to my spiritual stuff. Will go and have a read now! 

 

Again so buzzed for you, and remember like you said, we have good days and bad days so just let it happen, let it be and be in the here and now! 

 

So much love brother! 

 

God Bless


#922 invalidusername

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Posted 10 November 2019 - 06:45 PM

Hey brother...

 

Gail has been online!! She left her "like" stamp. Hey Gailage!!! Thanks for stopping by and catching up with the goings-on of the musketeers! 

 

Right, so you have got me right on this vagus nerve stuff and I would like to work alongside you in getting as much out of this as possible. I have been reading articles and papers over the weekend and it does sound like there could be something in pursuing this line of thought. I have a few links for you, which led me to the first batch of journal papers - I got more from the references in those papers - typical researcher practice.

 

https://www.psycholo...es-center-stage

 

https://www.psycholo...ajor-depression

 

https://www.psycholo...tant-depression

 

https://www.psycholo...or-flight-urges

 

This will give you a bit of background on it and whet the appetite for having a further look into it all. I was reading about experiments undertaken in Newcastle and Washington whereby they used a TENS machine and attached sprung electrodes to the parts of the ear necessary to best stimulate the vagus nerve. This coming from a less invasive means than having the surgery - did you kow that there is an outpatient procedure to have a stimulation unit attached by the collar bone which periodically stimulates the vagus nerve directly?

 

So, I am replicating this experiment!! Yes... I am! Definately not sure about the cold showers either though. I think we will start with this and move onto that if we don't get anywhere!

 

I have already ordered a good quality TENS machine - the same as that used in the Newcastle experiment. I then need to get the electrodes, but need to measure the pin size on the TENS machine to get the right fit. Then I can attached to myself and set up some programs to try some stimulation. According to data, over 50% of people who used the device noticed significant benefits - significant meaning self-reported scores that had reduced by 50% or more in terms of motivation, energy and depression. The participants were all considered "untreatable" by normal meds, but all were or some sort of SSRI or SNRI. It was obviously done alongside a control group who continued with just their normal drugs - and the other had their normal drugs PLUS the use of the device. These were the people who noted a 50% reduction in symptoms. Exciting stuff man - lets see what we can do!!

 

Today started out a bit disappointing. I woke to a text from my weekend friend saying she had to cancel - so this was a slap in the face as it was the one thing that I do not like disrupted in my routine. I look forward to see the family every week. However, I thought about what you said, and said to myself... you can still go out for 2-3 hours. But I just couldn't find the motivation. Then I thought more about what you said. I can't wait for the time - I need to MAKE the time. So, I got in the car, went off to my garage at my parents, and did more work on the car. Then had tea and biscuits with the cat!! Still felt a bit flat while I was there, but towards the end, I started to feel much better about myself and that I have got more done on the car this week than I have in the last 6 months! Thank you so much for all your words of encouragement and support - I would never have got there if it wasn't for you... and the exposures that I use as a benchmark. We have got just the right balance of pushing each other to get where we need to. Really hope I can maintain this train of thought. So, apart from the first couple of hours of indecisiveness and lack of motivation, I have had another good day. 

 

I remember you saying how you like the rain, so I am happy for you that you had this opportunity. There must be something in it as all these meditations and calming things are always using the sounds of rain! But it is a lovely natural phenomenon. I always now think of the Buddhist teaching about there being no birth and death when I see the rain... in that it falls, go into the river... it evaporates from the river, forms the cloud, and the rain starts over again... and so on. I also like the thought of "old London". The sort you get in some of the movies. Can't think of any offhand apart from Sweeney Todd - only because that was so well typecast and the sets matched perfectly.

 

Anyway - tell me more about what you have been doing/reading. I think it will really help having some purpose here that will give us motivation. My machine should be here tuesday, so by the end of the week I should be able to start replicating the experiment. Just hope I am one of these 50% who see an improvement!

 

So much love for you man, your support and encouragement. Let's keep going!!

 

God Bless


#923 LDN

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Posted 10 November 2019 - 11:48 PM

Hey brother! Another good day! Amazing! So buzzed for you! More this weekend on the car than in 6 months!! That is incredible! Absolutely incredible! So proud of you brother! Superb stuff! You really are in a good place right now, you have taken everything on board so quickly! It is one thing to hear it and it sounds nice but another all together to actually do it and put it in practice!! That takes serious bravery, guts, motivation and positivity! You have been showing such a progressive and positive attitude recently and so I'm not too surprised to hear of these amazing results because it is what naturally follows from putting this stuff into action! Really inspiring brother! That morning must have been tough, because as you say, I know how much you enjoy seeing your friend and what a big part of your routine it is. So to hear that news and bounce back like that is brilliant! Now you know what you are capable of! You have the potential within you to make massive changes to your life! It is just we need to realise this! That was so powerful and motivating to read my brother! Also you are very kind, but take nothing away from how hard what you did today was! You had some bad news at a difficult part of the day and you still rose above the situation and didn't give in the negative thinking. You put your faith in the positive path and it payed off for you! This is not drugs but you making bold and brave decisions! I really hope you are feeling a lot of self compassion and pride tonight brother! Just a pleasure to read! This is a big moment for you brother! What you have achieved today is massive! 

 

Like i said last night don't be stressing about how long will this last. Just let it be and be present. Don't grasp onto it. This wasn't luck, or chance, this was a result of a new mindset that you have cultivated! So you don't have to worry about good or bad days, because all you need to do is apply this mindset to the situation. You have clear evidence now that it works for you. You have really found a new state of mind through seriously hard work and now it simply trust that process. You have the tools now brother! This is on YOU! You made that decision to go to your parents today!! 

 

It is a beautiful sight seeing some one i love blossom like you!! Massive congrats my brother! 

 

I hope your cat and parents were well? Any head butting today? LOL!! Man can't lie jealous of you here! My parents got back from the country tonight and were talking about my cat! There saying just how more comfortable it is with humans now! It followed them all down the road and then when they came back it was waiting. My dad said it has never done that before. It shows what love can do - whether to humans or animals! I think maybe the time we shared together has given it a lot more confidence with humans, a lot more trust. If that is the case that makes me so happy i could help her growth. She used to be so scared of humans and when we moved in, she didn't come inside at all for the 1st 6 months! What a journey she has been on! Cats have journeys just like us man! That is the power of love to me! If you really love somebody - animal or human - it can transform them! You know I am big on love, so for me to hear how well she has been since the time we had together this summer is very moving and emotional for me! Also it really sort of backs up my core beliefs on life! 98% of a gorillas DNA is the same as humans, so we really can learn a lot about us from animals! 

 

I finished the book last night. I must admit I'm quite intrigued by the cold treatment. Obviously I had the other extreme in Germany with heat hyperthermia, and I'm feeling like trying anything right now. Also it will be good for my mental strength if nothing else. Also my house in the country is FREEZING in the winter! So if I go at christmas I need to be prepared. It is a very cool house in summer which is perfect, but in winter oh my word! There is heating but you would never know!! Also my room has floor boards no carpets, so it gets really cold at night! Plus the house in on a hill so the wind is hitting it hard! The thing with the cold treatment is that people always say 'you will get a cold if you don't wrap up', so I'm confused a bit to see it suggested? Do you have any ideas about this seeming contradiction? 

 

The book mentioned the outpatient operation - apparently it can have some quite heavy side effects but it does sound fascinating. Awesome that you have ordered one of those! Most of the stuff in the book I do already to honest, so that is why the cold treatment caught my attention. I was a bit disappointed in that I'm doing all this stuff already, so in theory my vagus nerve should be in good nick. Thanks for those links! I can pass on the the stuff the book suggests if you like? The core of it is breathing right and mindfulness. The author said embracing mindfulness was the simple most important thing he did in his life to change his health! So it is really catching on!! 

 

Just been resting here and reading. Putting in some hard yards of rest! 

 

So so happy for you again my brother! What a lovely post to read! 

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless


#924 fishinghat

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Posted 11 November 2019 - 10:17 AM

OK, going to jump in here with a few notes.

 

 

"On the vagus nerve I think you basically work when the parasympathetic system is in action. So sleep, meditation, mindfulness. All these things are actually gym for the vagus nerve! I think the key is to keep the stress down."

 

 

Parasympathetic nerves decrease metabolic function and sympathetic increases the function. Stimulation of the vagus nerve stimulates alpha and beta adrenergic receptors to the heart and stomach. Also remember that the adrenal gland is the only organ in the body without a parasympathetic nerve going to it. Adrenaline production is only decreased by the frontal lobes of the brain by perceiving adrenaline levels by the alpha adrenergic receptors. This will raise or lower adrenaline levels appropriately.

 

 

"I don't like reading academic papers off the screen - never have done. I need to have the paper in my hands to read properly."

 

 

Amen to that.

 

 

"Basically when we are stressed and in fight or flight mode this is the sympathetic nervous system in action. The vagus nerve is activated when the parasympathetic nervous system is in action, the rest and digest time. So if you are stressed a lot then you are not activating the vagus nerve and then if it is not be activated enough it becomes weaker and less effective."

 

 

"Basically when we are stressed and in fight or flight mode this is the sympathetic nervous system in action."

 

That is correct. The sympathetic nerves stimulate the organs they attach to.

 

 

"The vagus nerve is activated when the parasympathetic nervous system is in action, the rest and digest time."

 

Sort of. During periods of stress the adrenaline will stimulate the heart and shuts down stomach activity because there is very different adrenergic receptors in the stomach. Adrenaline causes vasoconstriction and reduces blood flow to the GI tract which slows digestion. On the other hand adrenaline is a stimulant to the heart. By shutting down the stomach the body has more energy (sugar) available to the muscles and heart. Adrenaline is a vasoconstrictor to the brain so blood flow decreases to the brain and if the stress is bad enough the person can pass out.

 

 

"In smooth muscle cells of blood vessels the principal effect of activation of alpha-adrenergic these receptors is vasoconstriction. Blood vessels with α1-adrenergic receptors are present in the skin, the sphincters of gastrointestinal system, kidney (renal artery) and brain. During the fight-or-flight response vasoconstriction results in decreased blood flow to these organs. This accounts for the pale appearance of the skin of an individual when frightened. " Wiki

 

 

The beta adrenergic receptor is the one that stimulates the other organs like the heart, striated muscles, etc.

 

 

"So if you are stressed a lot then you are not activating the vagus nerve and then if it is not be activated enough it becomes weaker and less effective."

 

 

During stress the vagus nerve is very stimulated but that stimulation causes effects dependent on what receptor is present as indicated above.

 

 

"It is like a muscle, it works best when in regular use. It says sleep is the gym of the vagus nerve."

 

 

Lack of use will atrophy any tissue including the nerves but only to a point. I wouldn't use the term gym. I think I would use the term intensive care us it instead as sleep, mediation, relaxation causes the release of large amounts of BDNF which help repair and recover nerve cells.

 

 

"This is why meditation is so good because it makes it easier for people like you and me who have very stressful lives to break the constant state of fight or flight and have more time in the rest and digest state."

 

 

Perfect. I would also add that not only meditation but sleep, deep breathing, relaxation, and others as well. All of these also release endorphins which is a naturally occurring opioid in our bodies which decrease pain and causes relaxation.

 

 

"So sleep, meditation, mindfulness. All these things are actually gym for the vagus nerve! I think the key is to keep the stress down. Also important to do things at a slow pace, like eating. Eating slowly and not in a rush is meant to be important. Plus breathing through your nose. The breathing should be deep belly breathes, where your belly expands and your shoulders rise up. To be honest most of the stuff it suggests I am already doing. But at least I know some more scientific benefits to it. It mentions cold showers! Not sure about that LOL!! My mum had suggested cold baths for my hemorrhoids! "

 

 

One of the first things my therapist had me do is develop a "key" word. A word I could use to train my brain to develop a conditioned response to it. My key word was "slow down". Every, and I mean every time I found myself anxious I would tell myself to slow down, close my eyes long enough for a simple deep breath and relax my muscles as much as possible. I am talking about taking around 15 to 30 seconds. It took about 3 to 4 months to get where the simple thought of "slow down" automatically brought about relaxation but it helped greatly and still does. My wife actually helped improve this technique. When in public she did not want to embarrass me by saying anything out load. Instead, she would simply reach out and touch my leg gentle. This was a signal to me to use my key word. It really helped. By the way I bet a cold shower wouldn't help the anxiety!! lol

 

 

"I have already ordered a good quality TENS machine - the same as that used in the Newcastle experiment. I then need to get the electrodes, but need to measure the pin size on the TENS machine to get the right fit. Then I can attached to myself and set up some programs to try some stimulation. According to data, over 50% of people who used the device noticed significant benefits - significant meaning self-reported scores that had reduced by 50% or more in terms of motivation, energy and depression."

 

 

The pin size is not the only issue. Even more important is the wire size. If the electrode will fit the pin holes but the wire is smaller than there will be more resistance and the unit and connections can overheat and start a fire. This is a definite possible technigue for depression but I certainly would not recommend it for anxiety.

 

 

You guys didn't think I read your book long posts did you? Well now you know what it is like as you will have to read my book long post. lol


#925 invalidusername

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Posted 11 November 2019 - 04:56 PM

I know this is often viewed by guests, but as for how much "inside monitoring" goes on, I do not know! But I have read your post with interest and grateful thanks for your input as I would really like to understand as much as possible before going ahead with these trials.
 
I have just received the machine and is has quite a large manual that I need to read. The machine can alter pulse width, frequency and intensity. There are also a bunch of pre-set programs which are suggested for specific ailments. I put some eletrodes on my forearm and tried a few settings... and got my fingers to twitch!! Then had trouble stopping the damn thing with just one hand... LOL :D
 
I have pain in my neck this evening, but I am not going to go steaming ahead with putting eletrodes there and messing with settings until I have properly read up on it. Aside from anything, placement around the neck area needs to be considered very carefully - and near the cervical area.
 
Regarding the pin/wire size, I can only assume that the manufacturer considered that and the length of the wire is correct for the current passing through it. The clips used will terminate at the same length, and thus should be of not immediate danger, but you are right about the fire hazard with incorrect use.
 
What interests me about your post is the function of the vagnus nerve in both sympathetic and parasympathetic "mode". The papers I am reading obviously make assumptions to some degree as to the working of the nerve itself, so this is interesting. Regarding the adrenaline, this is of no interest to me as my consideration for this is one purely for depression.
 
"During stress the vagus nerve is very stimulated but that stimulation causes effects dependent on what receptor is present as indicated above."
 
This is what caught my eye. So you are saying that the vagus nerve is engaged during stress and no-stress? Therefore, if the strimultion to the vagus nerve is increased (for example using the TENS machine via the ear electrodes), this could in effect INCREASE the symptoms of anxiety by upping the response to the relative receptors? And thus this is why you would not suggest for anxiety? 
 
A bit paradoxical in that respect... so the upshot being that it would only increase a state of relaxation assuming that the relative receptors are present at the time?
 
Can you explain a little further on that? Obviously some of this is contradictory to what some of the articles say. But this is why I read papers as articles are often written by unqualified "bloggers" who are merely passing off information as they received it without any consideration for the accuracy of that information...

#926 fishinghat

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Posted 11 November 2019 - 05:58 PM

Bugger. I just typed this long explanation twice. Lost it both times. So here goes a shorter version. Sorry.

"So you are saying that the vagus nerve is engaged during stress and no-stress? "


Absolutely. there are dozens of different neurotransmitters that are present in the synapses of the vagus nerve. Each varies in its use depending on the conditions including stress.

"Therefore, if the strimultion to the vagus nerve is increased (for example using the TENS machine via the ear electrodes), this could in effect INCREASE the symptoms of anxiety by upping the response to the relative receptors? And thus this is why you would not suggest for anxiety? "


Totally correct.


"so the upshot being that it would only increase a state of relaxation assuming that the relative receptors are present at the time?"


Receptors and neurotransmitters are always there. What changes is the electrical signals sent from the brain to these synapses which activates the appropriate neurotransmitter transporter proteins. You can never stimulate a sympathetic nerve without causing stimulation of the effected organs. Stimulation of a parasympathetic nerve would cause a DECREASE in the activity of the effective organs. BUT it is not that simple. Just like the example of adrenaline during stress. The adrenaline does stimulate the vagus nerve which tighten the muscles in the stomach but it also constricts the blood vessels to the stomach which reduces blood flow and slows down stomach activity. So it is not just up to the stimulation of the nerve that counts.

"Vagus nerve stimulation (VNS) is a medical treatment that involves delivering electrical impulses to the vagus nerve. It is used as an add-on treatment for certain types of intractable epilepsy and treatment-resistant depression. Frequent side effects include coughing and shortness of breath.[1] Serious side effects may include trouble talking and cardiac arrest." Wiki


The adverse effects of this stimulation include cardiac arrest,[5] bradycardia,[6] voice alteration and hoarseness, cough, shortness of breath, pain, a tingling sensation, nausea, and headache;[3] difficulty swallowing has also been reported as common,[7] as well as sleepiness.


In randomized controlled trials for epilepsy conducted in the United States, one-third of the subjects had some type of an increase in seizures, with 17 percent having greater than a 25 percent increase, some had 100 percent increase or more.[8] Wiki


The greatest risk is the signals interfer with the signals coming from the brain to the heart. Not a good thing.

#927 fishinghat

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Posted 11 November 2019 - 06:09 PM

Oh yea, one more thing. The Vagus nerve has both afferent nerve fibers (run from the brain to the organs) and efferent nerve fibers which run from the organs to the brain. This means it serves as both sympathetic and parasympathetic at the same time. It is impossible to stimulate one without stimulating the other. How is that for making things more complicated?

#928 invalidusername

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Posted 11 November 2019 - 06:37 PM

Some very interesting reading here - many thanks Hat.

 

As always, I am approaching this line of experimentation with caution. So naturally the researcher in me is throwing out all sorts of thoughts and questions here. The main one being that given treatment-resistant depressions patients have these devices implanted which are set to deliver stimulation at various intervals, surely if this caused havoc at times of stress, this could very well backfire given that a lot of depression sufferers experience their fair share of stress and anxiety... unless the device has some means of measuring the activity at the time and can somehow "know" when and when no to stimulate the nerve....

 

Totally different area of my research, so this is all new to me.


#929 invalidusername

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Posted 11 November 2019 - 06:58 PM

LDN... PM gone to you this evening so as not to clutter the above too much!! :D


#930 LDN

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Posted 12 November 2019 - 12:09 AM

Hey fishinghat!!! Nice to see you pop in our book length posts LOL! 

 

Thanks for all that info, very interesting. I really no nothing on this area apart from the book that I have just read. 

 

I have faecal overload at the moment, so obviously my transit time is very slow and the system is not working as it should. Not the most pleasant thing to talk about, so apologise lol! 

 

If you don't mind do you have any suggestions on improving the transit time? 

 

The GI doc I saw put my lower abdominal pain down to the overload - the GT scan wasn't too pretty lol! 

 

Thanks! 

 

Love and prayers to you and your wife! 

 

God Bless





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