2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

OK - so according to my working I would take as follows;

 

Day 1 - 12noon

Day 2 - 8am

Day 3 - 4am

Day 4 - 12 midnight

Day 5 - 8pm

Day 6 - 4pm

 

...and continue

 

All of these times will be fine except the 8am, which may be a couple of hours late. I have to confess it does worry me to try this, but so does any other way I look at it...

[fishinghat]

Those numbers are correct. It has to be better than it is now. (I hope, lol)

[gail]

Scrat, is this a new way to taper?

[invalidusername]

The only thing that concerns me is the serotonin/melatonin balance - although because of the half life, it shouldn't make a difference - but with my system as it is, it only needs something small like this as an excuse to make things worse!

 

Gailage - I am trying to get all these symptoms out. Week 14 on Citalopram and no improvement physically. If anything, it is worse. I have had enough going about my day worried that I will collapse or loose my temper... or many other things that these issues are causing me to have. Right now, I have horrible head fog and the loudest tinnitus I have known. 

[invalidusername]

I really needed your message this morning. Thank you for understanding - I forgot the circumstances under which we met. Just look how far you have come! It is incredible. Your messages are so much more full of hope! 

 

With that in mind, I will open by saying that I did work, two trips to the pharmacy, trip to the doctors and a shopping trip. The pharmacy forgot the wife's script so I offered to go to the doctors after my client and go back. When I went back, I had a flash of your story about speaking to your pharmacist, and I thought... that's a good idea. So I got his opinion on everything. He also feels that I am on a dose that is too high. He suggested to take a split of 30/20mg every other day, but as you can see, Hat and myself have thrashed that out already. Even with a long half-life, I am siding with Hat on that one. My system is already too sensitive!

 

The downside is that I woke feeling so low about my symptoms and insanely irritable - the scaffolding works are STILL going on. Day 10 of consistent noise without stop. My stress levels are off the chart. I don't like to alarm, but I was suicidal for about 3 hours. I reached for my Helen Greaves book and got stuck in. Best thing I could do.

 

Again, I still have no idea how you managed your way through your symptoms for so long. I know once the noise around me has stopped and I have settled on a reduced dose of the Citalopram that things will get better.. they have to! But like you said, it is difficult not to let yourself get caught up in it all. I was practising what you said too - an hour at a time - just get through each one. It does help. But being at the bottom of a hole, it is so difficult to look up, but it is things like your messages, Hat's support and sheer stubborness that got me through today. There are plenty of people that don't have these luxuries - and not forgetting faith either. That is a biggie. I know what we all have to come, and finishing what I was sent here for will be worth it. Goodness knows how many times I had to say that to myself today.

 

I've clocked up a couple of meditation sessions today, but I think I will settle in for a third. Brain needs all the down time it can get at the moment. Your reply was very selfless and I didn't hear about your weekend - so I hope everything went well and you had a good start to the week.

 

Sending reciprocal love to you brother, and my prayers are also with you.. to give you continued strength to carry on the wonderful work you are doing.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man just reading through the thread hurts me man! I wish I could do more. But I was always bring the LOVE, as best I can! Throughout the day I was thinking of you. 

 

I'll leave you and Fishinghat to sort out your protocol. At least you have Fishinghat to help you man! I've said before never met someone who knows more about these antidepressants. 

 

But bloody well done for going to the Pharmacy, doctors, shopping and even doing some work!!!!!!! Insane work man!! How you have done that, that defies words!!! NOW THAT IS BRAVERY!!! Show yourself some serious self love man!!! In life there is things we can control and things we can't. What you can control you are doing amazing! Sensational stuff!! I'm so so proud of you brother!! 

 

Man tell me anything, don' worry about alarming me. It's so so much better to let everything out, even if that can include some difficult stuff. Honestly for me I have been suicidal so often. You know they say men think about sex every 7 seconds, well the little joke I used to tell myself was that I would think of suicide every 7 seconds. Very dark humour I know, and I sorry if it triggers you but just wanted to you know I have 100% been in your position and that you are not alone at all. I'm not sure how I am alive truth being told considering my state of mind was so obsessed by death, i just longed to get a fatal disease. I'm talking years and years of wanting to contract something fatal. I would for years cry to my parents and tell i just so want to die. When I went to Germany and had to sign a form which consented to the treatment including the risk of death, it was completely easy. One of the other patients said they almost went home, as they were so scared to sign it but for me there wasn't even a flicker of fear. And yet look at me know!!! I know what I have said this paragraph is very dark and again I apologise if it triggers you, but I thought it was worth mentioning just so you know there are others in similar situation to yourself. And also that you can be in a situation like yours and bounce back from it. It's a horrific moment in time for you but it is something you will come back from. So again sorry for the dark content but just wanted you know that I know exactly what you are going through, as I have been there!!! 

 

You are not alone man, there are forces out there helping you through. We can't see them, but there are forces at play helping you through. Those in Summerland will be sending you strength!!! Most people don't know about these things, but thankfully you do!! These moments are what our faith is for!! You know what is to come as you say, and moments like these will make it all the sweater!! 

 

Thanks for asking about my weekend man- is gone well thanks. Obviously I'm just willing you on and praying and sending love. I think prayer and sending energy does make a difference, so hopefully me, gail and Fishinghat prayers can give that extra little strength!! 

 

Again man just in awe of your achievements. You will be not be beaten!!! You are what true bravery looks like!!! What a hero!! Seriously you are a massive inspiration to me. I can just learn so much off you!! 

 

So it's massive massive LOVE and huge huge respect and admiration from me brother!!!! 

 

Take a bow brother, these moments you will look back one day and you will be so so proud!!! 

 

And remember I am ALWAYS HERE!!!! ANYTIME!!!! 

 

HUGE HUGE LOVE

 

I love you 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat, you are a fighter, my hat to you! And prayers that your protocol goes well. To encourage you, I too have started today my paxil taper. Let's not be in hurry, right?

I have stopped the pot, after 11days on it, I called it quits. Same for the previous med.

[invalidusername]

Thank you Gailage - and if it weren't for people like yourself, I would never think it possible to live through these times.

 

Building work still going on and I simply cannot relax. Muscles are permanently tense and am so agitated. 

 

Why did you stop the pot? Was it not worth it? And what has make you consider the Paxil taper?

[gail]

The pot made me tired, maybe depressed, I couldn't even follow my own thinking. I was all moved up. It got me lost.
I had told myself, after trying two meds, that I would taper the paxil.also tapering slowly the fentanyl patch. London made me see that it could be one of my meds that was flat lining me.
Those last days, I have suffered so much. Just like you my friend. And that noise, how about head phones?
You are always in my thoughts and prayers are said. Lovage, love to Scrattage.
Let's cross our fingers now!

[invalidusername]

So sorry to hear you are also suffering Gailage. I pray that these med changes will have a positive effect for you.

 

I have professional earplugs but the noise is THAT loud that I can still hear it. I went to client just now and I was a wreck. I felt like I was trapped in a box with no way out. I was shaking and tense all over. Just taken 2nd valium for the day. The builders have gone home having completed just one more level of scaffolding, and there are three more levels, so I guess that means the rest of the week with noise. Very worried...

 

Again, my thoughts are with you my dear - always. I continually pray for your rest.

 

Much love and hugs.

[gail]

Thank you so much for your prayer, I wanted to say something and oops its gone! I'll call back when it comes back. Lots of lovage, love you!

You might consider going to your parents for a short time 😯😯

[invalidusername]

Any time crumpet - when it comes back!!

[invalidusername]

Again, I was relying on messages today. Another tough one, but still did all work I had to do. I have also spent a lot of time in meditation as my stress levels were out of control. The smallest noise when I wake up sends me into a panic. It only lasts a few seconds, but I am still chronically stressed inbetween the noises. I have become so sensitised to it. I then decided that i would rotate my tyres when I finished work. I got the first tyre off and my whole body started to tremble and I just broke down on my parents driveway. I am so upset that this is what my life has been reduced to. 

 

I am trying my very best to keep things in place, but the noise is set to carry on all week and I am so worried what even one more day will do to me, let alone 3 more. This is really painful to write, so I am not going to write any more. I just pray that something better happens tomorrow that lifts me up.

 

Your "dark humour" was fine, and it did make me realise that I am not alone. Again, it was this that has helped in some dark times - knowing that my friends here are going through, or have gone through the same thing. The fatal disease thing I can relate to as there have been times where cars have nearly hit me when I feel like this, and I just have not cared. Not even flinched. I really want to get through this man... so much. People here have done so much for me, and I am sure I have got so much more to give to people. I pray that I can be one of those people that can say "I was there once, and never thought I would get through it". I want this to be me man... I want it for you too. I want Gail to have all the rest she deserves. I want Hat and his wife to be safe from the terrible weather....

 

I am going to meditate again and contemplate what I am to do whilst in this state. There must be a purpose for things at all times... and you Sir, are doing one purpose so wonderfully here with your messages. 

 

Much Love and Light

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat, you have now taken the decision to feel better. The noise must be excruciating, many would lose their marbles!

Your posts are real, this is a place to come when feeling lonely and seeking the truth!

Now that I'm your partner in crime for tapering, stay with me, I need you lovage plus

Can you once again give me the title for Ellen Greaves? Thanks.

[invalidusername]

I didn't realise just how close my stress levels were to breaking. 

 

Neither of us have anything to loose with this tapering. I am walking evidence of just how bad these chemicals are for our brains. 

 

Check your email inbox (not PM) for Helen Greaves!!

 

All my lovage.

[LDN]

Oh man so so sorry for you! I was in the garden walking meditation today and was literally throwing my arms in the air to wave positive energy and love to you, down south. 

 

I myself have not a good day. Horrible physically and depressed. So very empty headed tonight. On a day like today it's my faith that gets me through, also just keeping things simple. Get through an hour etc. I think in moments like this I just realise to abandon any notion of enjoyment or pleasure and simply just survive knowing good days lie ahed. I feel very confused with God right now but the love is still there. The mental strength you need when your body is in this state of constant weakness and aching is tough. Add in depression and it's lack of motivation. 

 

I'm so sensitive and it really hurts me to see you like this. A guy of such compassion, empathy, emotional intelligence, moral fibre, decency, humour, intelligence. A real proper human being. It's a bloody pleasure to know you mate!! 

 

All I can say is you have so much to give. Just keep going. I have been where you are and I know you can do it!! 

 

Also LOVE - focus on that. Your wife, your parents, us on here. Love is so so powerful. It can give you so much strength. 

 

So I would say keep things really really simple, just focus on the next hour etc. and focus on LOVE. Meditate on LOVE. There is so much going against you right now but one thing you have is LOVE. You are hugely loved and so sadly some people out there have no one. 

 

This will sound incredibly annoying but try to think of the positives in your life. The fact you have people who really love you and care for you. 

 

I am here. You know that. ANYTIME call me or text!!! 

 

And let everything out ALWAYS. Getting things out of your system will help. Even if only a little. 

 

Try and just accept feeling so horrible and let it be. Yes I know so tough. I'm trying to offer advice that helped me but I know having been in your situation how so little sticks. You feel just telling everybody to shut up. 

 

As always so proud!! 

 

Love you so much man

 

I will be praying

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

I got some positive energy!! It was around 6-7pm or thereabouts and my evening has been much better... really needed it... but now you had the token bad day. First up, I am glad that you are able to fall back on your faith - that shows how important it is to you. Was it the physical that caused the depression do you think? Is that often the case? I ask as it is clearly the case for me as you well know. And the lack of motivation - how well we must both know this. I have been thinking of you today having read your message when I woke hoping that it would be a better day so you knew it would be a short-lived spell that had the capacity to turn around. So.. how was today man?

 

I woke up and did fine until my recollection of the last few days caught up and I had so much stress going on. A little noise here - even my wife moving... gave me a jolt of panic. But the depression wasn't there, so it was improved and kept telling myself that.

 

OK - and some big news!!

 

I have enlisted the help of a homeopath/naturopath from up your neck of the woods. She has 35 years of experience and a friend of mine living in London has been seeing her for 25 years since she was 11, and has NEVER gone to the doctor, NEVER had any pills and NEVER gone to hospital! I had to endure 95 minutes rehashing my life story of mental health which was tough, but she said she if confident that she can "detox" me and get me safely off the Citalopram over the course of a year. I am quietly excited about it as it will be a cold day in hell before I take another pill. I have nothing to loose. I will be reducing to 25mg after a week of starting the remedy and after another 3 weeks, we meet again to see how things are going and to change remedy as required... then every month until we find things that work. Much cheaper than paying for a p-doc, much more empathy from her, plus I can call/text anytime! It has given me a bit of hope at least...

 

Then went out to work and knackered myself!! But I had to earn the money to pay for these things! But that said, follow-up meetings with the homeopath is only about £12 more than my monthly prescription charge!

 

I hope you were able to follow your own sage advice of hour at a time - and you know the same goes if you need to let out your issues of the day here. I must be in your debt on that score by now!! LOL.

 

On a final note. Along with all the other things the homeopath asked me, and there were some strange questions, she asked about my ideal place to be if I could. I said it wasn't on earth; it was in Heaven. She asked me to describe it, and she was smiling so much as I did. The rolling green pastures, the purple and grey mountains, the vast rivers of crystal clear water... If I could be whisked away anywhere for day, why would it be here?!

 

My love and prayers continuing this end for you my brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Yes man!!! Such good news on both fronts!! Fantastic! 

 

Firstly really happy about your day. So great you could have some relief. I went into the garden like yesterday and was praying and literally blowing love down south to you. The neighbours if they say must have thought I'm nuts LOL! But was good to physically push the love from me in your direction!! 

 

Yeah fantastic news man. This is super exciting. Funnily enough my mum, who is very into homeopathy, was talking to her nutritionist and she suggested someone who's daughter couldn't listen to music for 5 years because of PANDAS and got better. My mum mentioned homeopathic treatments and photon light therapy. So isn't that a bit of a coincidence!!  My lyme doctor had told me light therapy was good for reducing inflammation. 

 

Most of my lyme treatments has been natural. Once or twice some antibiotics, but primarily been supplements. These make a huge difference. As you know I would be much better right now if it wasn't for dulox. My infrared sauna helps a lot as well, I've had mine for about 2 years. 30 minutes every day. It's mainly for my detoxification for Lyme, but my doctor said it also helps with depression. I certainly think I have noticed it helping. As I can't do exercise, it's great to be able to get a proper sweat on. I do feel absolutely knackered after it though. I noticed last year that if I went without it, I would feel more depressed. My osteopath has suggested sound therapy for me as well, so a few new avenues for me as well at the moment. The thing is there is so many things out there that aren't drugs. Have you heard of Norman Doidge? He talks a lot about this stuff. I have read some of his book The Brain's Way of Healing, really interesting. Basically all about brain plasticity and ways to enhance it. Some great stories in there. I know you have a lot of books at the moment, but it's a good one to dip into. 

 

I'm starting in the next day or so some of the new suggestions from my doctor. Along with the curcumin for my brain inflammation, I'm going to start D-Ribose and Methyl B12. He was thinking about B12 injections, but I will start with the lozenges. These are both for my physical energy, D-Ribose is something athletes take. Hopefully they will fight against the dulox side effects a bit. Basically I need to find ways of boosting my energy, while I'm still stuck on the dulox. 

 

So my day was ok, not great to be honest, but I do have these blips from time to time, so I'm not freaking out over it. It's annoying but it's not horrific right now. Certainly cheered me to hear your news. I definitely think that the physical exhaustion really lowered my mood, but normally it is only short lived, so I think this just more one of those bad phases I get. I am very up and down in brain chemistry. My p doc even told me last session don't be worried if the you dip, as we've seen that's how are right now. 

 

Man I seriously excited for you about this homeopath. Feels like a great breakthrough. My mum has many stories like your friend. We'll be detoxing together now. Also loved that description of Heaven - thank you for that man, beautiful!! 

 

Also that must have been a decent drive for you or was it skype? If so well done!!! And then seeing patients!!! Insane stuff!! Give your self some seriously self love for that!! 

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Good evening man...

 

I say good as at the moment it is. Trying to forget the rest of the day and focus on now. Lovely PM from Gail which reminded me that I am never alone. We have all been through so much together.

 

I had to look up PANDAS... a rapid onset of OCD. Sounds horrific. But nature can cure a lot more than we give it credit for. After all, a few years ago, it is all we had. We even had a cure for depression and anxiety.. sure it was a lobotamy (!), but it worked!!

 

Read up about the saunas too and how they are capable of a deep cleaning detox for major organs, and potentially the break down of harmful heavy metals. I can see how that would be a big benefit to someone in your condition. I have also added Norman Doidge's brain book to my Amazon list as there are a lot of people who mention Oliver Sacks when they speak of it and he was one of my all time favourite writers, and have all of his books in my library. He did some amazing work back in the day. VR Ramachandran is another modern day brain guru. As and when you get a chance to look at a video, there is his talk on ways to understand your brain and it is really entertaining and informative. I would have given anything to have had him as a lecturer back at Uni!

 

So my day was the same waking up petrified of what I would have to go through and just didn't want to get out of bed. Even though the noise stopped today I have this extreme feeling of stress that I just cannot shake. It doesn't matter if I am in bed, in the car, working, shopping - it is there with me. I just don't want to be wherever I am and feel that something if going to happen that will push me over the edge every minute. It is not anxiety, it is a constant fear. It is because of the noise pollution - I know. When it occurred is far too coincidental. I am just pushing myself to do what I need to and praying that it will get less as the days go on. Again, it tends to go around 6pm and then I am left with depression because I just can't stand it every day and I have no idea when it will stop. I tried to explain to my parents earlier, but they stopped me after a few seconds and told me they can't listen anymore. That's tough, and I don't want them to have to take too much on account of my issues, but I have no-one to talk to outside of the forum...

 

Anyway - I need to keep going and come out the other side. It is the only way. Still holding on to the fact that I had a "normal" week before these last 11 days. There has to be a way out somewhere in this tunnel... And yes, I am sure the homeopath will help - and was Skype - no way I could drive into the middle of London as I am at the moment!!

 

Glad your blips aren't getting to you - that is the way to keep going. Don't let them tip you over. Will be interesting to hear about these B12 injections too. I am hoping the homeopath will help with my low energy and head issues as the detox should accellerate getting the crap out of my system from the last 12 months of various pills. Lots of patience required as always... sigh...

 

Looking forward to hearing from you man.

 

Much Love

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat, when are you expecting your meds?

Will you start tapering at the same time?

Yes, we have been to hell and back you and I.

Prayers for you sweet Scrat. Lovage

[invalidusername]

The homeopathic "meds" will arrive on Monday, and she has told me to wait a week before dropping my first 5mg to let the effects of the remedy to start. So I will be dropping to 25mg a week from Monday. Although I would like to do it sooner, my depression is in such a bad way at the moment, I worry it will be too much of a risk.

 

Thank you for prayers - I am very grateful for any strength at the moment.

 

All my love from UK to Canada...

[gail]

While we're still the 18th, happy birthday sweet London. Love, amour!

[LDN]

Ah man sorry about that morning! But that 'constant fear' feeling is something I had a lot with my depression particularly end of last year and beginning of this year. I just felt in a constant state of worry and terror, scared something bad was going to happen. I couldn't relax, just so stressed out. There was nothing that prompted it, it just would come in waves. My psychiatrist said it was coming from my  amygdala. Basically my brain was just pumping out horrendous fear randomly, the depression was making it malfunction. As I knew it was a malfunction that helped and it did get better, but obviously going through was terrifying. I just really tried to focus on the biological process going on. For some reason this really helps me, to look at my depression as a result of my brain processes not working as normal. I would think of myself as a machine that was broken. Obviously there are are other factors of course, but reducing it to something less emotional and personal, but just something not working properly really helped. 

 

I think you said you always want to know what is causing what. I used to be like this, but now with my endless complexities both physical and mental and with no real cures for 8 years, I just try and avoid thinking too deeply on what's causing it and more focus on my response to it. I know this is really difficult as it took me many years of anxiety and worry obsessing over every little potential cause. Obviously this can lead to flirting with OCD and that is something I can't allow to come back. So I have to be mentally ruthless and just move on and focus on my response to the situation. I said when I got cured of OCD I am NEVER NEVER letting myself get back like that! If I had OCD again on the level I had it, my life would be over. No coming on here, no walks, no exposures, no reading. It destroy everything I have. I just can't allow that to happen so I just have developed a very strict mind when comes to rumination. Just thinking about the OCD is scaring the hell out of me!! The level of stress I was under with the OCD and it's recovery was absurd. In my recovery I would just completely loose it. So don't feel alone man, because I been on that edge literally holding on for dear life!! I've been there mate and my hurts breaks for you but I am proof that you can overcome it. While my physical health is still poor and the dulox is wreaking havoc I have grown and developed hugely in my thoughts. 

 

Anyway at least things picked up in the evening. As I said end of last year and beginning of this one I was absolutely terrified and felt on the brink of a complete breakdown most days. I just crawled through it and now I am not in that place. I mean I also had catatonic depression last winter and could barely function, but I got threw that as well. I remember having a shower was like climbing mount Everest. I actually used to punch the air in sheer delight when I finished the shower. Just to complete such a small task was such a huge huge achievement for me. I remember at the time I told myself that achievement is relative. I made sure I really felt the feeling of triumph for what I had achieved. I realised that self love was so so important in really touch times. You've got refrain the perspective of the situation - so rather than thinking 'I can barely function and it so hard to even have a shower, what a joke', I told myself 'You are on your knees right now and you still fought through and had that shower. What an amazing achievement!!'. Honestly I think managing to drag myself to have those showers back last winter gave me more satisfaction and pride than maybe anything in my life. I'm being serious, though I know it sounds nuts. 

 

What I am trying to say man is that any situation can be turned on it's head and it's how you respond to what fate gives you. I wasn't having therapy last winter, no chance of being able to do that. So it came from me. I know what I'm saying is bloody bloody tough, but years of crawling and fighting brought me the perspective that can make a huge huge difference. I'm sorry I'm talking about myself a lot tonight, but I just really want you to realise that you can come through this stronger and more wise and evolved. This suffering is not for nothing, you won't see it now, but you will in time realise this was an important part of your journey and you were learning so much. I just really want to offer you hope that I am living proof that with time you are able to change your perspective and turn the situation into something positive. If I can do it, you definitely can!!! Once your through this man you will be so much better for it. I know that sounds so annoying to hear, but that is my experience. Just think what you can do with all the tools you will have picked up. Think how well prepared this is making you for the Summerland!! 

 

Again sorry for talking about myself a lot today but I do really feel positive for you going forward. With this homeopathy and your meditation, along with time (so annoying I know!!!!) things I think are looking up. 

 

I'm so so proud of you man!!! Love your bond and sharing our journeys together!! Thanks for being there for me!! 

 

Just so in awe of you right now! You inspire me!!! 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GOD BLESS SWEET ANGEL GAIL!!

 

And well done on that walk today!! How good was that hey?? 

 

Magnifique!!!

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE 

[invalidusername]

Hold the phone... it's your birthday!? You kept that quiet man! My heartiest congratulations on making it to, 27, is it? I hope you did something to commemorate and to celebrate a fine year forward in your mental health and spirituality.

 

And continuing the good news... I had a really good day! Well, a day without any serious issues, which in my book constitutes a good day! I still had a bit of stress when I woke up, but thinking about your message, I was just not letting get to me and treating it purely as biological. If that is the case, then I simply just need to let it run its course. I got buried in a book for three hours and when the thoughts came to me that I was wasting my life and should be out doing something, I just asked myself whether I was enjoying what I was reading.. I was.. so what is the issue? It took a lot of will power to keep my attention from straying too far away from where it wanted to go, and following along the lines on the previous few days, but I stuck with it. Finally, a good chunk of relief - I really needed it!!

 

Did you have breaks like this in your 8 years?? Surely it didn't let up for months on end? I can't even imagine what you must have been going through. I can really understand the OCD and that you do not want it back. It is the same place I am at with my anxiety. Where stress levels have got so bad, it makes my anxiety go haywire and telling me I can't possibly go shopping, or work, or drive more than a mile from my home. These were all things I could not do (or could do with serious panic reactions) a year ago. I can almost think of them absurd now, but the last few days shows just how close it can be when things turn so harshly - but it doesn't have to stay there for long. We have put a lot of work in to get where we are, and it will take time to get its dirty digits back into our bodies to the point that we have to go through all the CBT and so forth all over again... NO! We will not let that happen!

 

I don't think it is the small tasks that as the big deal when the depression is at that point - it is what you make of it. I would think that anyone could have a shower, so what is the big deal in me having taken one? I am very harsh on myself. I remember a therapist really bought me up on this one and she had me draw up a tally of things that I did (however good I felt they were) that might include taking a walk, finishing a day of work, going shopping etc, and then when I got 10 marks, I would buy myself a book from my Amazon list. Nice idea to start thinking of suitably rewarding myself.

 

When I got to the point that you said about talking about yourself too much I wasn't thinking of that at all. I really like when you can show by example. It breaks up an otherwise purely theoretical approach filled with platitudes. If someone else can do it, then dammit, so can I. I am harsh on myself, so I see challenges everywhere, so by telling me that you did something plays right into my mindset!

 

So how was the big day? Anything much planned for the weekend? I am not much one for football, but I gather you still watch matches and wotnot? The only sport that entices me is motorsport, but that is only due to my affinity with cars. As we all know, it is good to have hobbies of all sorts, but as a passion. We can't take possessions with us, and my car is something I would find hard to leave behind! But all my extended family and all my cats waiting for me up there will help me forget about that!

 

Again, really looking forward to hearing from you man, and many thanks and love for helping me through these last few days.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man

 

Yeah! Fantastic to hear! Reading for 3 hours - brilliant! Not sure of any better way to spend your time really!! So happy for you to get that relief - really encouraging! I know this so tough for you but the fact you can have relief is so important! Those good days make a real difference, just to the break that cycle of depression. 

 

I'm not feeling great. Wasn't really myself last night and feel the same now. Can't put my finger on what's wrong, but just don't feel right. Feel a lot of negative emotions. I'm dealing with them well, but obviously on here it's good to be honest. The negativity is not affecting my behaviour, I'm just allowing it to be there. I happy with my self control right now, just keeping calm despite the emotions. I feel some pretty nasty stuff but I won't feel ashamed of myself because it's the depression causing it. I mean there is no obvious event or cause that is making me feel negative, it's just a biological phenomenon. Like the fear and stress for you, for me right now it is bitterness and anger. I feel nihilistic and resentful but that not my personality or my outlook on life so it's not worrying me - it's there unpleasant feelings to experience. This is life with depression. It is what it is. My actions today show no sign of what I'm feeling which the main thing - living with LOVE and keeping calm. 

 

So if there is a hint of bitterness or something similar to my tone I apologise - it's is simply my illness. I am trying my best not to let it seep through. I did got to the pharmacy today, but got no pleasure out of it. I am feeling fed up physically, I can't lie. Everyday just such a bloody huge effort. I can never have a day off. I have to push myself so so hard every day physically. One day I fear I just won't have the mental strength. But I have no choice. You don't know of a spare pair of legs do you? LOL! To be fair it would make no difference, as it's the dulox. Ridiculous it can make my body so pathetic and feeble. But as I was saying to myself in the shower, as I was somehow not collapsing, this is only flesh, the shell. It is the spirit that matters. That helped a lot. Need to keep working on this thought process, so it becomes ingrained in me! 

 

Anyway sorry for this negativity, but I would feel bad if I wasn't honest. I not really a birthday person if I am honest with you. Yes I know very weird, but am I like that. For example, I didn't know it was my birthday until my mum told me once I was up. I sound very much like scrooge I know. I think I wasn't really one for birthdays anyway, never had parties or anything, but definitely the last 8 years had an effect as well. I didn't want to celebrate my birthday over those 8 years because it was too painful for me. I haven't had any celebrations because I told my mum I would get my presents and I haven't had time yet. All spiritual books LOL! I told her not to get me anything because there so many things I wanted to get myself. My dads completely uninterested in his birthday as well, so were a weird family LOL!! 

 

The thing with the showers was that with catatonic depression you struggle to function. Some people can't walk, some can't speak. So for me it was genuinely very difficult to navigate having a shower at that point. I was close to completely being unable to function at all. The brain shuts down. It's like having a brain injury. I was close to being hospitalised, but thankfully it didn't last. 

 

Anyway sorry for all that. I don't feel scared or stressed but simply immensely negative, all day I've been suppressing it and now I'm talking it all out on you!! LOL! Sorry man!

 

So so pleased for your day. I will keep praying. 

 

Again really sorry for this post. I feel like re writing it to be honest, as I hate to put negative stuff out there, but at the same time I don't want to lie to you. 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

I seem to be on a 24hr time delay from your mood man! I have gone thru exactly what you said yesterday. Don't feel right, just can't put my finger on it. When it started it felt very biological as there were no thoughts, it was just "there". When it didn't shift after a few hours, it then became more "organic" as my thoughts took over in thinking "when will it end". Not too bad, but plenty enough to not want it around - if that makes sense. But... better than every other day apart from yesterday this week, and that is what counts.

 

So you see, there is absolutely no problem in letting this stuff out. It comforts me to know we can help each other through the same things. Do you ever get that distant sort of depression that just occupies your head, although there is no real thought? You can read, and the words are going in your head, but you don't digest them because your head just doesn't want to know? I feel like shouting at myself to at least give me a reason for feeling like that!! It is like a filter system for the senses. Unless is has some sort of negative undertone, my head doesn't want to know, but it doesn't go out of its way to "think" negative. I might just be talking complete rubbish here, but just shows you what my grey matter is up to sometimes! 

 

And you are also not a birthday person! I am also not one for celebrating. I will celebrate other things which I find more important - like a good day yesterday in amongst a string of bad days - that is more celebratory than a birthday! You have plenty more to celebrate yourself. Maybe not stuff you associate with a birthday, but things that you have done for your own well-being. Just keep that part of you open that finds these good moments with the exposures, your spirituality and your kind soul that graces these pages of our forum.

 

So how were things today? Less of the nihilistic feelings? Living with love and keeping calm - a good mantra. Well done for getting the pharmacy, and I fully understand there not being pleasure in it. That's the IUN trait coming in - knowing you should feel something and do not acknowledge it! Don't have any spare legs man... but yours will be fine. Quite when we cannot say, but it is the neurological setback. I was talking to my friend that I see at the weekends about you. She is a doctor, but a specialist, not a GP. She simply could not believe how long you have had lymes for. She starting asking about treatment, but as my head was empty I could ony remember the sauna and the crazy cooking treatment in Germany. Speaking of your sauna, I hear there is another heatwave hitting us next week and you can expect around 35 in London, while we have a chilling 28 down south! I don't do good in that sort of weather. Don't like heat and it brings out too many people and they tend to get edgy and irritable in the heat.

 

Anyway - going to have myself a quick jump in the tub with a nice book to soak up some of this negativity from the day. 

 

Love and Light to you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ah thanks man, I appreciate you for being so understanding!! Sometimes it really helps just to let it out. It helps you brings things to the surface that maybe you didn't know was there. Bottling it up and suffering in silence is never good. A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say. 

 

I must say I feel completely exhausted tonight, no idea why, so might not be my longest post. 

 

Today was good and bad. This morning I woke up feeling really weak and low on energy but I still felt I should go on my walk. I walk down to the park and the Thames. That was enjoyable actually and my spirituality helped me get through. It was a really nice evening. I got a good look a the filthy Thames water LOL!! Deary me it is dirty!! I feel it would be too much to sit on a bench in the park and maybe do some reading, but it's something to work towards for sure. I thought of it today while I was in the park and quite excited about it as a new exposure. As I would be sitting down it wouldn't be physically a problem just anxiety. In all a 27 min walk, which is very good for me. So was really pleased my spirituality pulled me through. Then this evening just feel so irritable and edgy and uncomfortable and lacking motivation. Everything seems to get on my nerves and I find it difficult to tap in to my spiritual tool box. Just like all the energy and life sucked out of me right now. I been sleeping a lot as well. I sort feel like all I want to do is sleep right now. No get up and go. Though saying that I still made myself do my walk and I'm absolutely delighted with that. I was dreading it so much but in the end it went so well. So I;m doing my bit by putting in the work and I can't do anything about this mood - so just let it be. 

 

Sorry your day wasn't so good but at least better than last week! Oh man 100% about that distant depression, absolutely!! I would say right now that is the main form my depression takes. In terms of thoughts right now I doing well, it's the lack of motivation and feeling flat and empty. Just sort stuck in rut type of feeling. I become so used to it. It great when there is a moment like this afternoon when a bit of light pierces through the gloom, such a good feeling. Yeah shouting at yourself 'at least give me a reason' LOL!! I have that so much. Will for no reason just suddenly feel so gloomy. As I say I've got used to it, but it saps the life out of you!!! You feel no enthusiasm at all!! 

 

I have to say I've booked some cracking books the last few days, so that has been one nice thing about it being my birthday. I get to go on amazon not feeling so guilty. Books right now are one of the few things that really get me excited!!  Yeah I'm like you, I celebrate things, like for example having a great spiritual break through or being in the park on a beautiful evening like today and thinking WOW! I'm literally doing right now I haven't since I was 19!! So overcoming 8 years worth of issues. I mean thinking about it like that is really beautiful and hopeful. I think I'm not quite taking the magnitude of what I'm doing right now. I mean I potentially I thought I would never do these things ever again. Also the fact that my symptoms aren't much better, makes it all the more pleasing as I'm doing under difficult circumstances. I have told you yet but I also saw my cousin last Sunday and his wife for the 1st time. We chatted for 2 hours and 30 mins which is a good effort. So that was pretty nice to meet his wife, who've I've heard so much about. Still got a lot of people to get through, but we're making progress!! 

 

One thing that really pleased me as well was yesterday when I was feeling so awful I still managed to sit down and write a thank you card to my cousin and his wife for the present they brought. My mum was meeting him later that day. I could easily not bothered but I wanted to keep up spreading love and give off my positive energy. I just really want to make sure my depression doesn't shut me down emotionally. 

 

Reading anything good right now man?? 

 

Lovely to talk and hopefully a good day tomorrow!! 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

I know it is the middle of London, but that I would imagine is a nice walk - the park is a nice place if I remember it well - although I am not a fan of Putney bridge - the lanes are very confusing - but then again, a lot of London is confusing on the road. Last time I was there, someone nudged into my back bumper when the lights went green - I got out the car to assess the damage and I just got shouted at for holding up the traffic! Never again!

 

I love the way you have your walks timed to the minute - I do the exact same thing - and 27 minutes is really coming along now. Just don't go beyond what your legs want to do at the moment though! Wonderful that you faced your dread and went ahead and did it anyway. Some times it is all that you need to do to spur on a bit of recovery!

 

Isn't it always the way that you feel irritable when all the energy is sucked out of you... that combined with the lack of enthusiasm is just a royal pain in the ass. But as you say, you need to let it be and let it take its course and not fight it. This is where I constantly fail as I am always judging me with my mood by asking what I have done, why did I do it, what can I do to stop it - if it will in fact stop, ever? I just can't let it go. I am really trying to tell myself that my "now" is not my "forever" as Aza Holmes so eloquently wrote. But try telling me that in the middle of it and I just won't listen. I still have a way to go, but I am willing to learn to get myself there.

 

Books-wise I am reading Frontiers of the After Life by Edward Randall. It is an oldie from 1922, but if you can get passed the way the vocabulary from that era goes, it is a nice read. You don't get the impression that the book was written for profit or fame. It was written because it wanted to be written - much like Helen Greaves' stuff. Not big time publishers there, so they knew there was no money in it, which is what makes it that much more honest and palatable. So what are you reading at the moment?

 

Glad you were able to reach out to the extended family again. You are working your way through them now! It must make you feel wonderful that you can do all these things that previously you haven't been able to do. I am really hoping that my physical symptoms are on the way out now as they have got a bit better... as there are a few jobs that I want to do on the car which would really help my mood and confidence. But I need to energy to do it. Like I said earlier in the week, I went at it too soon just wanting to change the tyres. But I just got impatient - I want the "buzz" I get from being able to achieve these things. All in time I guess... sigh!

 

Right - time for a bit more reading. Hope your day went well...

 

Much love and light,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey mate, 

 

My body was a joke today. Still managed 26 minutes but I want more. I know that's ungrateful but I just feel so restricted. I said to my dad tonight I want to go hiking with you again. We always used to go to Dartmoor or Lake District. Walking all day. I said to my dad I want to do that again, not just a walk around the block. I know you will relate to what I'm saying as your in a similar position. It hard enough having depression as it is, but without being able to exercise properly it just makes it even worse. 

 

I live literally about a 2 minute drive from Putney Bridge! The thing is I find it hard to accept my physical state and want to just push my way through it. I always preach acceptance but I'm not putting it into practice right now. Strange how in 24 hours we swing so much!! So much positivity yesterday and tonight I just feel so weak and negative. Everything is an effort and then when I want to sleep I can't - so even that is an effort in a way!! 

 

So just finished a book by Desmond Tutu and Dalai Lama about Joy. Had some great wisdom in it. I ordered a book by a Benedictine monk and Fritjof Capra, the physicist. Should be an interesting combination. In terms of NDE and spiritual stuff what would you say is the best book, I've done Testimony of Light but would be nice to do another. I find them quite soothing. I know you gave me some names before, which I have written down but wondered if there was a particular stand out? 

 

All the best for tomorrow man 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless