2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey man just in case your up I'm having problems posting again tonight. I'm copying and pasting it into the box but when I click post it just says 'saving post'?? Something to do with the lengths of post maybe - as this looks like it is going to be able to post. Let's see....

[LDN]

Ok so that worked I wonder why my longer posts aren't working? I've never had this problem before....

 

Last night I just typed some random letters in to see if they would post that was 'sd' lol. After that the site went down completely!! 

[invalidusername]

Hey man... yes - had that issue myself before. Not sure. I just type mine directly into the box on the site and it seems to work. But if you find it less stressful to mail directly, please do so!!

[invalidusername]

LDNS REPLY!!!

 

Hey man so now I can't get on at all! I wrote you two short messages but was trying to post what I emailed you last night and now can't get on! I hope this doesn't happen every night??! I have tried my tablet and it still says 'this site can't be reached'. Also tried 3 different browsers. I cleared my cache and re-installed chrome. None of this has worked. Every other site works great so must a server issue i guess? Seems strange for 2 days in a row? 

 

So I'm feeling pretty stressed here and I had a terrible headache anyway!! I'm rubbish at dealing with this sort of thing, my mind just not up to it! 

 

Not sure what I can do really? 

 

I really feel for Gail as well, as I saw this was concerning her. I will email her again tonight but if your on the forum tomorrow before me, could you just send her all my love. Cheers man, I don't like having to worry her with stuff like this!!

 

I did read your post but only briefly. It's great to hear that the herbal stuff is definitely working, that is terrific to hear! I'm so happy you have found a solution for your head stuff!! I'm so pleased for you man! Must say my head is beating like hell right now, so wouldn't mind some myself!! With your wife now in therapy and this working it seems a really positive moment right now! I knew you were safe in God hands but i was so desperate for things to pick up for you! So a massive well done my brother!! 

 

I had a bad day if I'm being honest and now with stuff on top, my brain is struggling right now! Woke up feeling exhausted and pretty rough and it just has continued all day. I had that 'mental claustrophobia' this morning really bad, really struggling to take things in. Must say I can't remember having a headache this bad almost ever. I feel almost in tears. I feel really ill, like I just need to lie down. Sorry about this man! 

 

I'm going to see my aunt again tomorrow and in this state I must say I'm pretty nervous. It's only 20 minutes away but I'm not used to seeing people outside of the house. They always have before come to me, so going to them will be a challenge. Also haven't been to her new house before, so a completely new environment. Also not used to leaving the house when I'm down here. Last year I just stayed here the whole time before going back to London. My 2 cousins and my uncle are going to be there as well. I'm getting scared just talking about it!! This why I don't really like making plans, you never know when your going to get hit with something! When I saw her last Sunday she was really keen for me to come and so we said Monday. I guess I'll just try and give out love and then the rest will take care of itself. 

 

It's really unsettled me not going on the forum properly these last two nights! It's just part of my routine so much, so it feels so weird to do things differently. In this state I'm in just quite unsettling. I'm starting to sort of question things and feel anxious. 

 

I haven't read Eckhart Tolle but have heard about 'The Power of Now'. It's an interesting point you make about why would you want to be in the present when you are in a depression state. It's difficult isn't it? I suppose just treat it like any other pain or discomfort by looking at it and creating a distance between yourself and it. I was meditating once when I was really depressed and I just saw the depression as simply a chemical process going on in my brain and nothing too 'deep' - just biology. So it was like I distanced myself from putting a label on the depression. It was like having a pain in my foot. It didn't get caught up in the narrative 'I'm depressed', just saw things in a much more emotionally distant way - 'there is a biological process going on in my body which causes me to feel unpleasant'. I really tried to meditate on what the depression was doing, where I felt it. By meditating on it, it felt like I was less a slave to the depression. It was just there,  not ideal at all, but I wasn't letting it make me panic which just feeds the depression. 

 

So the forum now back up but won't let me copy and paste - like you have experienced! Pity as I know how much Gail likes reading our messages! 

 

Ok I will be praying for you man! 

 

Love you man! 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

I managed to copy/paste your reply as you can see... but I recall having exactly those issues not so long back and it was very frustrating. As I said, I now copy your message to notepad and reply in the main box on the site running the two windows side by side. There was a point towards the end of last year when the site went down completely for everyone. It was down for three days and I went to pieces!! But yes, it will be an issue with the server and should rectify itself.

 

I can well imagine how it affected you last night... stress comes so easily to those of us in such a mental disposition!

 

So sorry to hear you had an episode of mental claustrophobia, and coupled with a nasty headache, I think I would have resigned to the bed until it had passed. It is when you feel this bad that you feel you do not have any control I would imagine - thus meaning life gets taken over even more so than it would do normally for us. I really hope it didn't continue for you today. I would love to offer some sort of avoidance strategy but I don't think there is any! 

 

I think I had the precursor to this mental claustrophobia with my stress today. I could get on with the day, but I was right on the limit. I felt maxed out to the point that I couldn't consider phone calls, emails or anything - just get the day done with what I already had to do - which included the post office again today! What upsets me is that meditation is quite impossible at these times... when I really need it the most. Even when I just stopped and played a game on my phone, even that was stressful! I wasn't thinking about anything per se, I just couldn't DO anything as it felt like it would push me over the edge. Been like this since last Thursday (with a break over the weekend) so I hope it will pass. I have another meeting with the mental health team on Wednesday and really not looking forward to it. It is only to sort out this damn therapy, so I am planning on just going in and asking if it has been arranged. If it has, then great, if not, I come back in two weeks again as discussed. I don't want to talk about anything else. I hate the way they operate like it is a student/teacher relationship, and they have no compassion at all. None of them can have been through what we are, and it feels as though they are just putting the hours in. Sorry - moan over!!

 

Right this trip to your aunt. Have to say, I was feeling your anxiety as I read your words! Certainly a challenge... how did it go? You are talking like me when I said I wanted to face more of my anxiety by driving further away when you said you don't know when you can get hit with something. Confidence of that sort of level will be difficult following yesterday no doubt, so some serious respect to you for getting the bravery together for this one. Some great stuff to be taking with you back to London with you though. All of this stuff will combine in your arsenal of victories that you can replay in the tougher times. 

 

Right time to get some meditation in I think. It will still be of use even though I don't need it's healing properties at this very minute, but it will help me recognise the triggers more easily. I don't like not being able to cope and it is so hard to accept knowing that it shouldn't be happening. I am really useless at this acceptance stuff!! I really hope this therapy turns out to help me as it should.

 

Looking forward to hearing how the big day went!!

 

Love and light for restorative strength for you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother, 

 

So first of all massively knackered here so sorry if this isn't my longest or eloquent post LOL!! Just hope it's readable and makes some sense LOL!! 

 

Yeah so today was great but maybe the biggest exposure I have done for a long time or maybe ever!! A new house, 5 people to talk to, a drive in the countryside and through my local town for the 1st time since 2011! Crazy what my brain had to take in!! No wonder I'm knackered!! Last night I was really worried as I told you! I just had no idea of what to expect. I had done nothing like that before, so I just didn't have a clue how my brain was going to react. I was nervous in bed but did manage to get to sleep. I woke and felt okay but once in the car I was a bag of nerves. As I say I just had no clue what was in store! I just closed my eyes and meditated on the journey there and that helped a hell of a lot! I just let the anxiety and nerves be there. I focused on the fact that a different place is just a different stimulus for my brain but my tools were still there and that the bad associations I had from past were simply viewed through the lens of depression. Those places weren't inherently bad. I managed to get myself into a pretty calm state and just a mentality of go with the flow. So we got there and I ended up staying for 3 hours 25 minutes!!!! I told my mum that I would stay 2 hours max, but I was just having such a good time chatting to my cousins and they were so interested in my mediation stories. It was really nice for my confidence how enthusiastic they were about it all. They are 2 girls - 1 is about 20 and the other about 25. One of them was just going off to America and had to leave but said to me she could talk for days with me!! That was so nice to hear! She has been to India and the actual town where the Dalai Lama lives. She even has met his second in command! So you can imagine she was really interested in what I was practising. She actually taught some Tibetan refugees out in India and had seen hermit caves in Nepal! She said she had read a lot about mystical states but hadn't met someone before who had achieved them. I was telling them all about my ketamine trip as well and the comparison to my organic moments. The other cousin does humanitarian work with refugees, she was feeling a bit teary at the end after an argument of sorts with her dad, so I told how proud I was of her and what an inspiration she was to me. I had always wanted to tell her this, but as I have barely seen her in years hadn't the chance. So that was nice for me to be able to tell her how I felt. I had a tour of the house as well. Also lots of strokes of their dog. 

 

I suddenly remembered I was meant to have my dulox and so we had to rush off. Before that my mum was saying 'do you need to go?' but I was enjoying myself so much I completely forgot about taking my dose!! Then I opened my eyes on the way back, which as I say was the 1st time I have done that since 2011. It was weird to see things I saw so regularly before and then that I haven't seen for 8 years!! A bit mental really! I left at 3:05 and got home at 7:15 - so 4 hours 10 minutes out!! Just mental mate!! My longest meeting time with somebody as well, I hadn't gone over 3 hours before!! 

 

So a bit of an emotional whirlwind really and still just talking it in. I didn't know if I would ever visit their new house, so to do it feels surreal to be honest. The last 6 months my life has just completely changed. Today was like being 'normal' again!! Back before 2011!! I hope it shows I'm on the right path and with continued patience I can keep it up. I hadn't even seen my aunt for 5 years and then spend over 6 hours with her in just over a week - including last Sunday!! I mean how surreal is that?? So I think some time to just take it in. 

 

Overall I'm so happy with how it went, but also I did get a slight sense of what i have missed out on. You get to see what things would be like if I wasn't ill, if you know what I mean? But saying that they were so interested in my mind work and meditation and I probably wouldn't have found that or been where I am with it without being ill. I think it was the first time I had told anybody outside my immediate family about my mystical states I have had. To be honest I could talk for days about all my meditation stuff so it was nice to have an audience LOL!!

 

And then once home I had the delightful sight of a rat with it's head bitten off!!! LOL!! Left right in front of the tv! My mum was having none of it, left it to my dad! I don't know what makes rat brains so delicious for my cat but that's the 2nd rat head she's eaten since I've been here!! The way she was tucking in to the rat carcass was like watching a David Attenborough or something. Just like a lion eating a prey. Then she just left it and walked off!! Proper decent size rat as well! 

 

I think that sounds a great strategy for Wednesday man. I had in mind that was coming up and will say some prayers for you. Also sorry to hear about your day and being so on edge. Still good job on getting to the post office! 

 

I know what you mean about the meditation, as you will see from my PM I had a little bit of an emotional moment earlier this evening and to be honest I couldn't tap into much. Saying that it helped massively earlier in the car on the way there. I think it one of those things over time the more you work on it, the more you can tap into it in more difficult situations. A bit like a computer game when you start on an easy level and then build up to the tougher levels with practise - if that makes any sense? 

 

Thanks for all your support. I can't tell how much it means to me. I am always here for you as you know! 

 

I hope tomorrow goes well. 

 

I love you man

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

You really got into your stride having said it wouldn't be one of your longest replies, but it made for some lengthy reading this morning when I woke, which is great for me!

 

First up - I am hugely proud of you... beyond words. Over 3 hours engaging with this family, in a strange environment - and no nasty things hitting you out of nowhere. This is amazing. Much bigger, but similar to my own normal moment last Saturday. It is so good when you can see these things coming about. And as you will no doubt say, this wouldn't have happened even one year ago.. and now look at you!!

 

I think all the stories of your trials and tribulations with these various illnesses and the medication you have been on is what you will be speaking about for years to come when you help others... and then when you write your book that I know you are going to publish at some point in the future. People will be talking about your book on these sort of forums where Buddhism and trials of life are mentioned... "have you read than book by [LDN]... it is just what you need". It'll happen man - I'm sure of it.

 

I do understand what you speak of when you get the feeling of what you have missed out on. I find that when I get moments of breakthrough in my stress, my brain then does the same in telling me how much I have wasted with it all, and then I end up with depressive thoughts. Viscous circle really. But as you have said before, it is not the thoughts but what we do with them that counts. I will be forever repeating this. It is the best advice I have every got. So simple, and perfectly true. Don't blame the thoughts!

 

So do you frequently keep your eyes closed on journies? Do you find the lack of visual stimuli reduces your anxiety? Obviously if you are meditating this will be the course. 

 

Today for me was quite trying. I woke again the same as yesterday having all these stress-based symptoms. So aggitated, and the ants-under-the-skin feeling. A feeling of being trapped by my physical symptoms. I was depressed, annoyed and anxious all at the same time. I tried to meditate, but even though I was able to clearly listen to the guided stuff, I found I just couldn't get through 20 minutes. My brain just wasn't having any of it. I wanted to move, do something to make myself better, but there was nothing.. trapped!! It is really unbearable at times. It eased off after around 4 hours, but they were really long hours. I wasn't too bad when I went to work, and my energy levels held out a bit longer than usual. I am just so tired of all this stuff coming at me which makes me shout "I just can't cope with life anymore!!!". I really hope these mornings will pass...

 

I am really bricking it about the meeting tomorrow, so would appreciate any prayers... Clearly I am focusing on what happened two weeks ago which led to a spiral of depression. The stress of it is too much, so I really hope I can hold it together and just do what is required. I will let you know tomorrow how it all goes.

 

Much love to you from your proud brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

So firstly I have thinking about regarding tomorrow and both my mum and dad are praying. As am I. You have a good plan in place and we mentioned, and I will be there with you in spirit. I'm going to be sending lots of love over your way! I will go the chapel after this as well! Your bravery is so inspiring, just unreal! 

 

Yeah man absolutely no chance of that happening last year! When i was down here last year I was too scared to even go in the field across the road!! It wasn't till March that I left the front door in London!! Truly a mad few months! And I owe you and rest of the forum so so much! There is a direct correlation in when I started to do the exposures and coming on here. I was telling my parents tonight this forum was probably the key to me making this new step in my life! You have literally re-ignited my life man!! Over 7 1/2 years to get here!! 

 

Thanks for those seriously kind words man. I have to say that really touched me! I would love to write a book, that is my plan. Now I have my p doc, my dad and mum, gail and you suggesting it - so I have no excuses!!! Still a lot to be learned though!! 

 

Yeah I normally keep my eyes shut on the way to somewhere and then open on the way back. I want to save my energy for the appointment or whatever, so don't tire my brain out with the stimulus. Also means I can meditate and get in a calm state for when I arrive. However it's important I don't avoid the outside world so on the way back I always keep them open. Once i get home I can rest so it doesn't matter if it tires me out. Or if it does cause anxiety at least I'm only going home not straight into a appointment. I used to close my eyes permanently on any journey. From beginning of 2016 to around Feb or March this year. Obviously I had the odd exception, but when I started seeing my p doc last year at this time I wasn't opening my eyes at all. You can imagine it's quite a shock when you first do it. I remember the first time I opened was in about March 2018 after over 2 years of not opening them once -can you imagine? It was like I had forgotten what a street looked like! It was completely surreal! It's almost as if I've been in Prison or something. I was just so so cut off. So what is happening right now is just mind blowing. Back in Feb I wouldn't have believed it. From when I got back from Germany in April 2016 to last summer I didn't leave my house at all unless with my eyes shut to doctors. 2 years of just seeing my house interior and doctors rooms. It started when i was so weak that going out was so tough and then it just became a habit. It was really hard to break. 

 

Man I'm so sorry for your mornings. Brings back some memories for me. 'I just can't cope with life anymore' - my exact thinking so many times!! I'm feeling a bit like that now to be honest. Would dearly love a holiday up in Heaven! It would be great if we could just have a week off and just go to heaven and then come back refreshed! Can you imagine? This is what I'm trying to work with my meditation and mindfulness. To have that detachment from feelings and just be still. It worked a treat for me yesterday on the way there, that was almost the most pleasing part of the day. To be able to use some of tools i have been working on to re-contextualise the situation and see things without the lens of anxiety or depression. The will still be there but just not something that are of inherent value. Not being a slave to them. Today I have felt a bit of slave to my emotions. But as I said to you I feel at a cross roads and it oscillating between the old mind state and the new. I feel in a state of flux. I have moments of liberation which are giving me so much hope but still mostly stuck looking at things through the old ways. I have to say it was pretty nice that one of my cousins was so fascinated with my meditation. In that moment I actually felt really lucky to be in situation where I have had so much time to work on this stuff. In that moment I was able to look at my situation in such a positive light. It felt transformative. I was being unapologetically myself and being accepted for it. I was hiding anything or putting on a mask. Just putting my spiritual work into a social situation and it feeling so comfortable. I just felt this great sense of calm and inner peace when I was there. I was thinking to myself later 'Am I the same guy as the last 7 years? Whats' going on here?'. It was like going back to before 2011 but with just added spirituality. 

 

Sorry for all this man lol!! Getting carried away again lol!! 

 

So thoughts will be with you tomorrow! I so proud of you for facing this! I'm off to the chapel now. Remember God will be with you!

 

I love you so much brother 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

In a bit of a state here so not quite sure how this is going to come out...

 

Thank you very much for your prayers for today, and for that part, all went better than expected. Got there on time, but no-one showed up for 20 minutes. I resisted the valium all day and just when I was reaching for it, they showed up. I have been promised therapy to start 2nd week of September and they will let me know exactly when and we have agreed a time and date for the phone call. So it is all set in stone. It is looking promising. I got home just after an hour and I felt pretty good - and continued to for another 4 hours. Then I had a bit of mild depression sink in, and around 9.30pm - when I should be very safe with my mood - I just had a thought come to my head that I will never get better. My whole body felt like it shut down. Intense heat all over. Horrible electric sensation. Lasted for about 20 seconds. It felt sort of like a panic attack, but it wasn't.

 

This is what is going on in my head at the moment. I cannot face the reality of my symptoms. I know I am seeing more of the negative, but they are so beyond my control. I did so well today and I was feeling just fine, so where the hell did the depression come from, and why these thoughts when I have actually got something sorted out?! I am so tense that I can hardly type. I really don't know what it going on. It feels like my mental health is keeping me in some sort of prison (just like you said!) and every now and again, it will let me out for some freedom, but I don't know when. I could understand if this attack came much closer to the meeting this afternoon, but 7 hours later? Why? I thought I did so well... Again, you put it so well. A slave to my emotions. But it has been for too long and I just feel I can take any more. 

 

I can understand you closing your eyes. It makes sense. When you are so sensitive, the smallest things can set you off and trigger unwanted responses. And a holiday in Heaven just wouldn't happen. By that I mean, it wouldn't remain a holiday - we wouldn't come back for sure. 

 

Sorry man - my head is just not with it. I am reading through your message and I know what I want to say, but it is just not happening. I need to lay and at least try to meditate...

 

Love you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

I really feel for you right now. This will pass. I have had the exact thought I will never get better and it would send me off into the most horrific negative spiral of depression. When you spoke about the heat feeling and electric sensation - I know this so so so well! Oh man I feel it down my spine. I hot all over but not sweating. It is horrific. As you say it is different from a panic attack, but sets off a sense of terror within us. I find that feeling comes with a complete terror about my existence. Thinking about it now I actually normally have the thought I will never get better with that sensation. I normally think 'this is it' and 'I've got a life sentence in this prison'. Oh man i feel for you so much! This feeling is just unbearable and terrifying! You were amazingly brave to even get on the forum and discuss it. So a massive congratulations for that. From my experience suffering in silence makes it even worse. 

 

The good thing is man this is the depression talking, not reality. This is the depression controlling your brain. Your seeing things purely through the filter of the depression. The fact is came after you had done so well today, just proves it isn't based on reality. This will pass man. It always does. You've generally been doing really well recently. The herbal remedy is helping a lot, as your experiments have proved. Your wife is getting therapy and reading self-help books. And then today you did really well, and it was a big improvement on 2 weeks ago. Remember the brain is a slow organ, and so thinks are gradual in recovery. But the direction of travel is clearly up. As I said before man you don't have to follow the narrative the depression is giving you. Now I now to detach yourself from this is so tough. But it can be done as I have proved. Thoughts in themselves are meaningless. I read in my book I'm reading at the moment that a psychologist said they 'bubble up' which I thought was good. Also we have no control over our thoughts. They just 'bubble up'. So it is the reaction to the thought that matters. The thought it self is harmless. Over time you can re-enforce this message more and more and you will start to feel a difference. I am a testament to that. 

 

I know you struggle with not being in control, but with out getting in too deep, my book I'm reading would say psychologists would say that we were never in control. The idea we are in control is just an illusion to a degree. We don't control our thoughts. We don't control our feelings. People who haven't got depression aren't in anymore control than you. But because they don't have an illness that pumps out negative thoughts and because they are more stable due to this, they think they have more control than they do. This certainly makes sense to me and as I say what modern psychologists are saying. 

 

But learning that lesson and having that feeling of being out of control is so so tough. I grappled and fought it for years. It was my biggest issue. It was why I got such severe OCD. I was desperate to feel more in control. But we do have control in the sense we have control over how we react. Trust me mate this makes a massive difference. By looking more closely at what is affecting us, it then ceases to have less power over us. If you look at the thoughts, look at the feelings and just let them be there, they have far less of an effect. I say to myself don't fight them, just let them be. The psychologist I'm reading calls it 'the paradox of control' - the more we let go, the more control we have. It feels like we are enslaved but we are not. 

 

Generally you are doing so good and but it's never a straight line. I had this amazing exposure on Monday, a huge achievement but since I've not been feeling right. Today I was feeling this enormous sense of loneliness - this despite the fact I saw 4 relatives on Monday!! I've been chatting with my mum and dad all day - but I couldn't shake this desperate sense of loneliness. Almost as if in a bubble and I can't penetrate 'real life'. Like I'm the only person in the world who has not been invited to life. I feel as I have been abandoned by God. I don't think I have, but it feels like it. Normally at night I am so relaxed, I love it. Today I feel so scared of the dark outside and being on my own, as if I am small kid. I'm just going to have to ride it, but it is pretty scary. But the more I associate with the feeling, the more it will affect me, so I will just let it be there. Just thinking that now 'ok fear you can be there, that's fine' - even just making that acknowledgment I can feel helping. 

 

So man you got the therapy sorted!!!! Brilliant!! That's starting pretty soon - fantastic! Your making such good progress man!! I'm so proud of you! It sounds like you did amazing today. I was thinking of you last night, this morning. I went to the chapel last night. I'm so pleased for you and that is now one less thing out of the way. That meeting hanging over you must have been horrible for the last 2 weeks, so to handle like you did is brilliant! That is a serious achievement brother! Yet another sign of your incredible bravery, that so inspires me!! 

 

Really well done for coming on here tonight and for what you achieved today! But man if you ever feel like you can't make it, remember no pressure and to look after yourself. You just come back whenever you are ready! 

 

I am always here for you man! You know where I am. I will be praying. You will get through this! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

What a nasty 24 hours... thanks for that wonderful message today brother. All I did from the point I woke for about 5 hours was drink tea and read your message. I woke with that same feeling and just hibernated. I was in a right state of panic still. 10mg of valium didn't touch it! A half dose of Kratom however... took the edge right off and let me just lay in bed for those 5 hours. I knew about my state, but it didn't bother me as much. I cancelled all appointments today and deciding all this was stress related, took the whole day off. The cloud started lifting around 4pm, ad by 6pm was "normal". Seriously horrible. Not suicidal, just a very convincing argument that I will never be happy again going on in my head. A life sentence as you put it. But the forum is my safe place. Whenever is possible, I will be here for everyone. Can't believe we reached 10,500 members today!! That's a lot of people come through the forum...

 

This paradox of control is really interesting. But who controls our thoughts if it is not ourselves? So much conditioning that has been going on for the time we have already spend on earth. Our family, friends, stuff we watch, we hear, we read. Everything will cause thoughts to "bubble up" based on all the subjective influences we have had over the last x number of years. We do need to learn how to react to them and that was clearly my problem last night. One thought - five words - and that was me down for hours. Such a difference in strength between then and now. I can say it to myself over and over now and I know it doesn't mean anything. Clearly it is a state of mind that makes such things more sensitive. I need to be more mindful of these states and be aware of what can occur during these times. It is almost as if you want to record a video of yourself saying how much bollocks we take from our thoughts during this time... but would that work!? I doubt it!!!

 

But if the brain can go as far as developing split personality and schizophrenia, then this is the thin end of the wedge. Reality as we know it can come crashing down. I am quite sure it is months of these drugs that have done it. It is not all my loss of grasp over my own mental state.

 

This loneliness makes perfect sense this end... just as my issue did yours. It is the reality of what you feel you have been missing out on over the last few years. You have had a taste of what it was like and you did it without problem... so why have you been holding back all this time?! All the issues that you know were the culprit of this no longer had a word in, and you were judging yourself on how you now feel this way. I've done this so many times. Just like last week when I went to the post office with no problem. Why have I been giving myself a hard time for the last 2 years?! But they were... and are.. reasons. Like you say, it is a journey of no straight line. Not in the slightest.

 

Once again, thank you for your prayers and the time in the chapel. It has been a real trying time. I am hoping this will serve as some perspective in the mornings now. I lost sight of just how bad things can be and even when I was waking to a so-so morning, it was never enough. When would I wake to having a "normal" morning again?! If that happened, I would be free from my mental health, so I am expecting a miracle! This is why I keep a chart of progress so I can see - albeit slow - that there is nothing hugely sinister going on...

 

So how has your day been? Much in the way of walks and headless rats?!

 

So much love brother - your messages are a real blessing.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man first up so sorry that things continued over into this morning. But I must say you seen to be dealing with this with such bravery, class and composure. I'm just so in awe of you. Put it this way I couldn't go on a single forum for 7 1/2 of depression. I would never have had to the courage to talk about my depression like you do. As I said yesterday I do think it is great you can not suffer in silence. You are not alone in this struggle my brother. That is for sure. I am praying, as our my parents. I think about a lot during the day. I know things are so tough, but I'm still really pleased with how well the meeting went yesterday. I know that must seem a small consolation when you are feeling like this, but seriously that was so impressive what you did. And now you have the therapy finally organised this is massive man. I think this will help so much. You are obviously in the eye of the storm right now, so it is very difficult to see the bigger picture. But from my outside perspective I definitely see really great improvements recently. You now working with his naturopath, your wife now getting therapy, you now getting therapy. All lot of things all falling into place, but you are just facing a brutal few days at the moment. Think about that Saturday you had with your friend and well you felt. You have in you and it's coming, it's just it's a bumpy journey unfortunately. 

 

My depression last night got pretty brutal just before bed. Very hard to describe - panic, terror, a sense of titanic isolation. Huge nerves, my stomach going mental. Desperation. Worst early morning depression before bed for a long time. My parents were actually up when I have getting ready for bed, but I was just focussed on getting in bed. I knew I just needed to keep some clarity amongst the madness and turmoil inside me. I got to bed, said some prayers and thankfully then off to sleep. That is definitely the great benefit of this before bed depression. You just get in bed and be still and it helps so much. Also it means I can meditate better. A still, quiet bedroom is a great place to just focus on my mind and bring some clarity. So I not worrying about getting to sleep because if I can't I'll just meditate. But before I got into bed I'm just in such a dark place. Complete despair. I see my life in extremely distorted terms. I feel completely without hope. I feel like I will be in this state of depression forever. Which is absurd considering how many times I have had this mood before bed. Depression has no interest in evidence. It knows best and it will push it's agenda of negativity on you without hesitation. That's why I find meditating helps so much. It detaches myself from the narrative of the depression. As my therapy calls it 'fake news' that the depression and anxiety tell you. 

 

I woke up this morning and I was feeling better. I then had a skype session with my therapist and that went well. She was obviously really pleased with my exposure on Monday. Then the rest of the day has been pretty uneventful. My sauna and stuff like that. Last night I had the cat cuddling for about an hour. A good cat therapy session. It was all going so well until she coughed/burped a few times right in face! I rat/mouse burp! That was not a nice smell, let me tell you mate LOL!! I thought she was going to be sick for a minute, but thankfully she was alright. Obviously just wanted me to smell the delicious food she had in her tummy! My allergy has got much better interestingly. I think it is one of the those things that because my body wasn't used to the cat it freaked out and this caused a reaction. But now it's adjusted it seems fine. Shows you shouldn't be to fatalistic. I was so distraught when I got that initial reaction, as I thought it was yet another thing I couldn't do. But in fact it didn't last and all that worry was for nothing. She was climbing all over last night for about an hour. I really thought there would be some reaction but I thought I would risk it as I felt so depressed anyway, and in fact they're wasn't a reaction. I hope i haven't caught her germs from being coughed all over though!! 

 

What is important to remember is that we are always changing, everything is always changing. All 8 years of illness i have had, not a single year has been the same. Obviously some things haven't changed, but some things have. For example, in the last year my depression hasn't greatly improved, nor has my physical energy, nor has my mental energy or sound sensitivity, BUT I have made HUGE strides in my social anxiety and agoraphobia. I can now leave the front door. I can now go to the chemist and pick up my prescription. I can go to the health shop. I can go the river. I can go into the sleep. I have so many family members for the first time in mostly 7 years! AND I also has had a transformative year in regards to my spirituality. I was in a completely different state of consciousness this time last year. This time last year I hadn't a single spiritual/mystical moment like my recent ones. So while most things haven't improved, two areas have hugely improved, and for that I'm massively grateful. You never just say in the same state. This what I always tell myself. Not to focus on the long term, but just see have made some improvements in the last 6 months or year. For example, think where you will be with a further 6 months meditation under your belt? Your brain saying your not going to get better is simply the depression talking. Every year since 2011 there have been some subtle and some major changes. I did have to wait 7 years to read but now look how I am using for all my spiritual work. With brain plasticity it's very difficult to put a time frame on recovery. So my mentality is just to enjoy what I can do. So I can't watch tv, listen to music, walk much BUT I can pray,meditate, see family and read. I pursue passions. I can discuss spirituality with you. So will I let the brain plasticity do it's thing I won't just kill time but grow as a person. This will be the same for you. While your brain is recovering, you will learn and grow as a person. 

 

Also man another thing - remember this is part of a greater plan. I try and be curious of where plan will lead me. Things may in bouts be horrific but I'm interested in what the plan is. From your spiritual reading maybe you could thing about things along these lines. Lets see where the plan i chose for myself leads me. For me I try and let my curiosity override the fear.  I am often so so terrified but also genuinely inquisitive of where things are leading. Remember the therapist said she had seen nothing like you and your wife in 18 years of career. That is so rough on you two, but also makes your life of extraordinary depth. Your bravery is supernatural. You have already written one book and I personally am so excited to see where the future leads you will the all gifts you have and the strength and wisdom you will have gained from the journey!

 

I like your idea of recording yourself. Interestingly my cousins wife, you I met for the first time recently, works in mental health and told she was working on a avatar type thing along those lines. 

 

I will pop into the chapel now and say some prayers! There so many people over the world suffering mental health issues. I find it brings perspective to know that so many others are suffering just like us. And remember all will be well in the end. 

 

I will be praying man. Keep going and things will pick up. They always do. 

 

I'm so so honoured to know such a courageous and wise soul as you. Thank you for blessing me man!

 

I love you so much

 

God bless

[gail]

Scrat, bravo for taking the day off! This is quite an exposure, lovage, Gailage

[invalidusername]

Arrrgghhh - I am so annoyed. I have got a restless left arm - it is driving me crazy!! Will be OK whilst I am typing at least. Never really had a restless arm, but it's bee 2 hours now and I just want it to go!!

 

Man - sorry about last night. So you do suffer the same as me with morning depression, except we are a few hours apart. So what is it with your sleep? You have your main snooze around 7am til when? And then a siesta when and for how long? Your circadian rhythm must be all over the place. I am just thinking how this will be affecting your serotonin/melatonin production and balance. Wonderful that you can meditate around it and sleep it off though. With the isolation, I think this still might be a knock on effect to the family gathering. I don't know, but you know what to do in letting it pass. It was a ripple in the pond on your mind, and you know not to try to stop the ripples as you will only just create more ripples. This is a great Buddhist teaching which I am sure you have already heard when a master was testing his student.

 

I think this stuff can get you when your mind is elsewhere and the thought bubbles up completely out of context to your current train of thought, so it has more of an impact. I am sure if we thought about it all the time, and it wouldn't have chance, the impact would be so low as we are expecting it, but obviously this is not entirely practical! 

 

I tried my best to meditate again this morning. When I woke, my thoughts hit me, but I was trying to be in the now as everything was on the future as I had a very long and busy day. I was telling myself that I had 3 hours of which I had to do nothing, so just let it be. This actually worked for about 30 mins! But then the thoughts overturned me and I got stressed.. and then after another 30mins the agitation. I find it so difficult to meditate at this point. I really try to let my thoughts be, and look at them without labeling a judgement. I focus on my breathing but my thoughts are too powerful. This is when I need it the most, but it is so difficult. 

 

I like your metaphor of the storm. The more I think about what has been going on over the last 2-3 weeks, I am thinking that even though I haven't improved, if this stuff happened 6 months ago, I would be floored by it all. I do feel I am being stronger. Even when I went out to work not feeling that great, my thoughts said to me "you need to go and do a fair bit of shopping later.. that won't happen", but then I came straight back with "you always say that and it never stops me". I was not worried about it. I really want to push further, but I need to wait for the dust to settle with all this therapy, naturopath and so forth, but I really hope it is coming. This is my new look on it. Yes, some brutal days are afoot, but I am dealing with them better now that I was. 

 

Your cat is great... and you are truly blessed by what she did. She was proud of the food she caught and she wanted you to enjoy her benefits of it! You lucky chap! I really hope that you are building up a resilience to the allergy. That would be amazing for you both! Cats really are amazing - better than antidepresssants for you sure. They are little balls of therapy. But I am sure you cannot catch cat germs man... don't every recall having that issue from all the kitties that have blessed my life to date.

 

YES... you have made huge strides.. no question there. It is so important to focus on that, and it is what you said there that made me consider my current situation. I still cannot get over the not reading part for that long. How on earth did you cope?! I am such an avid reader and it makes up so much of my life. To have that taken away doesn't bare thinking about. THIS is bravery. A huge spectacle and testament to what a person can hold through. To have been through it and to survive to tell the tale. Just keep this in your focus now man. You are so far passed this now. I would challenge anyone to manage a week of such hardship let alone 7 years. At least in prison you can read!

 

Right - I will stop for a moment and offer my own prayers this end before dinner as there is a strong likelihood that I will fall asleep soon after - and don't want to fall asleep mid-prayers!

 

Love you man...

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Scrat, bravo for taking the day off! This is quite an exposure, lovage, Gailage

 

Gailage...

 

I was reading some inspirational stuff earlier and the end just jumped out at me and I thought to myself... this is Gail... I need to tell her.

 

"It's so dark right now, I can't see any light around me.

 

That's because the light is coming from you.

 

You can't see it, but everyone else can"

 

You are my light Gail, and I see it everywhere around you.

 

Much lovage - Scrat

[LDN]

Ah man I'm sorry about your arm - hope that it is a passing thing! 

 

So today was generally better. Though right now not feeling great in all honesty. Had a nice walk today. 32 minutes which is very good for me, considering I'm not walking on flat pavement but undulating bumpy fields and having to climb over styles and gates! Was a great walk, another spiritual one for me. I was thinking about that line in the Lords's Prayer - 'thy kingdom come, on earth, as it is in Heaven'. I was saying this over and over in my head. Thy kingdom on earth. Today I felt it. The green grass, the late afternoon sun, the shadows of the trees, the sense of peace - it was magic. What a beautiful, beautiful world. Lost myself in the nature. I went up to my old friend the tree that I hugged and gave it a stroke. Then went in for another hug. Not going to lie - it felt great!! Closed my eyes, felt the gentle breeze on my face and just thought about God. I thought of you, Gail and all those suffering in the world. Was a beautiful moment. My heart was brimming with gratitude to God. I was then patting my heart and then throwing my arms out - which is what I do in moments of spiritual joy. Feeling the love in my heart and spreading the love to you, Gail and all in need! I had that feeling of God in everything, even the cow pat!! If your thinking right now I'm nuts that would right LOL!!! I hug trees, pumped my heart and throw my arms out, I walk with my arms outstretched at times in thanks to God. If someone saw me they would think I'm mad!! I'm the crazy of the village!!! But I'm more than happy to be so weird when it feels that good!!! 

 

So it those moments that I have never had before the last year that are sustaining me. If I can feel stuff like that -what more do I need? What can I buy that can touch that? Those 7 1/2 years of suffering were worth it, when this is the outcome!! Thank you God! I was thinking this today, if 'negatives' can steer you towards 'positive' outcomes, are they really 'negatives'?? Suffering is so tough, but if it can change your life, like for me, then the suffering is really a blessing not a curse. Just thinking out loud here on what I was thinking today. As long as I can feel moments like today I'll be delighted to have all my illnesses. In those transcendental moments you are completely happy as you are - just joy in the present. As I say I had nothing like at all for 7 years. Like the reading, a new treat for me! 

 

Yeah I feel ok health wise so hopefully not caught anything! It's just I did that think of googling it and then panic!! Apparently cats have much more bacteria in their mouths then dogs. And she was drooling on me and at times very near my face. It then said 'as long as they don't go out to much it should be fine' and thought of all those rats and mice gobbled up in that mouth and freaked out a little!! LOL! Just the one mouse today by the way LOL! 

 

Yeah my sleep is nuts, but I need the quiet of the day for my brain. I need those peaceful hours. Also some people are just nocturnal. In hunter-gatherer days they needed a night watchman, so that must be the genes I have. That is my evolutionary psychological excuse anyway LOL!! But yeah so go sleep at the moment between about 6 30 and 8 45 am and get up between sort of 2 and 4 30. Then siesta between 7 to 9 and 9 to 11 ish. Crazy yes, and I am pretty embarrassed about it. But as I say I need that quiet for my brain. 

 

Man well done for those 30 minutes - that is fantastic! So many people struggle with meditation for even 5 minutes and that without mental health thrown in. The teachers I read always there is no 'good meditator' or 'bad meditator' - they say these things don't exist. Simply trying to meditate and having that intention is all that matters. And slowly over time you see subtle changes. The beginning is the toughest part. Once you start to see some ways it is helping then it becomes much easier to motivate yourself to do it. I remember when I was in hospital for OCD they did a Mindfulness session and I thought 'this is a load of rubbish'. I couldn't keep my mind calm at all and I thought no this isn't for me. And then look at me know LOL!! To be honest I don't actually do sitting meditation, at the moment it is mostly mindfulness throughout the day. Because of brain injury my day is very quiet, so I'm almost forced to be like that. 

 

So fantastic to hear you feel stronger man!! I'm sure this is the case. Everything we suffer but survive it gives us that confidence we can do this. We have 1st hand experience of overcoming it before. I think this makes such a difference. And we just subtly become more resilient I think. So happy you can see this change in mentality. Exactly right about those thoughts about the shopping. It always says that but you always do it - so it's what my therapist calls 'fake news'. Man I'm so happy to see this attitude developing. AND THIS IS WITHOUT THERAPY!!!! So a massive massive pat on the back from me man! I don't have a job as well!! With everything on your plate to able to be grow like you have is incredible!! Thing if your dealing with bad days better now, how about in another 6 months? By them there might not even be any bad days but if there are you have a further 6 months of development. So happy to see such positivity and determination from you man! 

 

Thanks for those seriously kind words man! But it's a mutual feeling! Having to see your bravery day in day out is unbelievable inspiration. As I have said before you are a hero to me! So happy we can work together as a team!! 

 

I hope you have a good Saturday man and again a massive well done for how well you are doing! As always such an honour to chat with you! 

 

I love you brother 

 

God bless

[gail]

Scrat, what lovely words. I'm in the dark right now. Scared and crying. Where is the light?

I can't see the light now. Pray for me my Scrat for me to see my own light. Love you!

[gail]

London, Double C says he's happy to live here and not in a field of dangerous creatures.

One day Chin chin will show up with a cow remains. You need to buy something for his mouth to smell good and not smell rat remains. Double C is proud to show his teeth to every one passing by. If they have place in palliative care next week. double C will also be on vacation on the country side. Rule # 1-2 No going outside. No food table. Plus cuddles by the ton.

Hope to get back to see my love. Double C stands for Chin Chin, the one that date rats and mice. A rat? Yes, a rat. A hunter cat. I love her already. She makes London happy, that's enough to go with. Love you, and a kiss Chin Chin the top of his head. No mouth kissing.

[gail]

London, Double C says he's happy to live here and not in a field of dangerous creatures.

One day Chin chin will show up with a cow remains. You need to buy something for his mouth to smell good and not smell rat remains. Double C is proud to show his teeth to every one passing by. If they have place in palliative care next week. double C will also be on vacation on the country side. Rule # 1-2 No going outside. No food table. Plus cuddles by the ton.

Hope to get back to see my love. Double C stands for Chin Chin, the one that date rats and mice. A rat? Yes, a rat. A hunter cat. I love her already. She makes London happy, that's enough to go with. Love you, and a kiss Chin Chin the top of his head. No mouth kissing.

[invalidusername]

Prayers are abundant for you my sweet Gailage. That light is there for sure...

 

Has Double C met acorn yet??

 

Love love love

[invalidusername]

Now strap yourself in for this one.... you ready?! I have had a normal day! I can scarcely believe it. I woke and although a bit apprehensive, I had a bit of a snooze and then was able to meditate without any problems - did a full body scan and felt good. I've been out, fixed the ABS on my car (which has really been getting me down and worried), washed the car, walked to the sea, done some art... this is what my Saturdays were all about 2 years ago... and I have had a whole Saturday just like this!!! It is amazing!

 

Following my jittery spell, I experimented with some of my ethnobotanicals and made a mix of red vein Kratom with powdered Kanna. Tasted really bad, but my word - it sorted out how I was feeling for sure. Was so relaxed and got me to such a nice point where I drifted off so easily to sleep. It was still going in the morning and it felt like a pleasant hangover - if there could be one! I still felt the relaxation... and that was after a solid 8.5 hours sleep. Didn't wake once. Snoozed for another hour before I meditated and then woke up, read your message etc. Wow - if only life could be like this every day! I know even normally it won't be - I shouldn't expect perfection, but so unexpected!

 

You describe such a nice environment down there, with the rolling hills and all the tree hugging. What I would have done to have been there with you today. Your active hours of around 3-9pm coincide with mine really. Although I might study or continue art until around 11pm, but even though I wake at midday, I cannot jump out of bed, I need to ease into my day slowly still. When you are next on your walk, think about how the atmosphere is like in Heaven... so much light and energy, but no sun. Just an empty sky with the most amazing blues and pinks. The most vibrant, yet pasteled colours the likes of which we have never seen on earth. I'm not sure where my orbs that I have seen fit in, but I am sure they are there somewhere. And there is nothing crazy about you! We are all there with you! I was picturing your village like the video "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats. Might have been a bit before your time, but even if you can't listen, you can have a look at the video and you will see what I a mean! 

 

I am sure I felt so much more positive for today than I ever would have when experienced it 2 years ago. Like you say, having been in suffering it really opens you up. Today was such a gift. I didn't do anything special, it was simply that I was able to enjoy my health. If only everyone could think this way. Even if I knew each Saturday would be like this, I could plan so much and enjoy things more than ever before! Your families prayers really came through for me - so bless you brother, and please pass this fantastic news onto your parents for me. 

 

So - are you still in good health despite the cat burping, breathing and rubbing all over you? Cat have got a very good immune system - they heal themselves better than most animals. They are still close to their wild side which dogs don't seem to be. Cats have got a much more self-awareness about those things I think. The fact that they can go 6-7 days without food and water and still survive says it all. When my neighbour lost one of her cats, she was gone for 5 days. She looked everywhere for her. She was having building work that week so she thought she must have got outside - even though she is strictly an indoor cat. But in a plight of desperation, she started hacking at the the partition wall that the builders had put up, and would you believe it... there she was. She had crawled into the space that had been boarded up, so she was trapped in a tiny space between interior walling for best part of 5 days! Amazing... not for her of course, but that she survived.

 

Time for a spot of food before my evening meditation. Not thinking about tomorrow - what will happen will happen. Am enjoying the now. Anyway - really hope you were able to enjoy me with a similarly normal day... will look forward to reading in the morning.

 

Love you man!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL MY LOVE!!! 

 

LOL!! Yes I really need that breath spray for chin chin!!! A great idea! Oh wow!! I am still reeling from that smell!! A rat and mouse mix! Beautiful! And she did it a few times as well!!! Trust me you never want to smell that!!! 

 

No mouth kissing! LOL! Not after that burp!!! 

 

A cow LOL!!! Or a horse! Did I tell you she eat half a squirrel once? She left the other bit for us to have - so unselfish lol!! She is so sweet with me then outside a panther! 

 

I hope Double C is being a good boy. 

 

You are so strong angel!! 

 

Thank you for being my light!! 

 

Joy is coming!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE 

[LDN]

Oh man what brilliant news!!! I am so so happy!! That's amazing man! But you had that good Saturday recently at your friends, so I thought you were due a really good day! This just shows it's all there in your brain, and with time it become more and more frequent. That sounds a lot of exposures man! The car, the walk to the sea - so so proud of you! It would have been so easy after the last few days to let that get the better of you, but you kept going! I'm so impressed how you could rise above those difficult days and not dwell but move forward! So happy to had a great sleep and had a good morning! 

 

Yeah man it is so nice down here. Funnily enough I actually have been thinking that this is like Heaven. The green hills, fields undulating for miles in every direction. The shine on the grass from the sun. A gentle breeze. The shadows of the trees. The woods on the hills in the far distance. Such beautiful oak trees, with massive trunks. And the heather. The sheep. The fluffy stuff from the heather looks a bit like orbs when they float in the sun. They just look like white floating circles. Oh man I just saw that video (without sound) - the replies are great! I would say it looks pretty like that here! One of the comments said 'this why you have to do LSD' and guess most people who saw me on my walks with all my antics would properly think I'm definitely on drugs LOL!! Seeing as meditation and psychedelics apparently can have similar effects, I reckon what I'm feeling isn't too far off that. Another comment said it was like someone that 'put drugs in the water system of a medieval village' - lol! 

 

I will definitely pass the news onto my parents and it so good to see you have such a present and gracious state of mind. You seem to have really been 'living in the now' today and that is just such a great place to be I find. Perhaps this is some of the mind work and meditation coming through? What your describing is very in line with my experiences and also others I have read. We are really in such similar places man! Reading you today is like exactly how I feel at times - enjoying things more than you ever did before. It's like you are re-connecting and re-discovering for the first time. I always try and have that mentality of looking at things like a child - with that awe, that wonder, that excitement. This is common for meditation I have read - to be blown away by the beauty of the most simple of things. Things you would normally never even notice. Like for me the grass and the tree. When i see the sheep it is like I have never seen such animals before in my life. Today I even got a ladder down to the bottom of the garden, so I could properly see the cows over the hedge, in the field next door. Was like a cow safari LOL!! That is something I would never have done before. Like you say, when you can really take such pleasure in the 'small things', there is not much else you need is there?

 

Yeah I seem to be fine here - despite the rat burps LOL!! My aunt's dog sometimes kills wild animals but doesn't eat them, whereas our cat will get stuck into anything! That is with being much smaller as well! 

 

So great to hear you say - 'Not thinking about tomorrow - what will happen will happen. Am enjoying the now.' - that is exactly the mentality I am aiming for. Everything I have read points to this being the key. I've found this mentality when I apply it has made such a huge difference to my quality of life! 

 

So to the chapel to thank God for your day and then some reading. 

 

Again so happy for you man! 

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat, you have just tasted heaven, I'm so happy for you. With the help of my light, I would like to borrow it so I can have a taste of heaven. Even though, in the past, I tasted it many times. Oh, the pleasure cannot be described.

London, have you named a cow by my name yet! She needs to have black ears please.

You both are looking good, a bit nervous here as I will know tomorrow on what date I'm going in palliative care, and how long. These are my vacations. Scrat, if you can't spare my light, I will borrow London's light, ok London? Love you both my sweet friends. Lovage

[invalidusername]

Gailage - you are more than welcome to my light, but your own is there within you. I am praying that you have sufficient time for the vacation for you to rest and breathe the calm and free air.... and find some of my orbs.

 

 But why not double up on LDN's light as well - I am sure he will not mind. Your inner strength is so admirable and you deserve all the light we can muster for you.

 

Beaucoup de lovage

[invalidusername]

Thanks for the encouragement brother... and yes, last weekend was good at my friends, and she is away this weekend, so I thought that might affect me, but all was ok!

 

Don't know about your neck of the woods, but it was 31C down here today. I made it outside for 30 mins, and even that was too much. Nothing to do with my health, I simply cannot stand the heat. I walked down by the sea and there were 100's of people - so many. Swimming, having BBQ's - you name it. But I calmly walked through the lot and in the heat, so that was my exposure for me today. The wife didn't do so well, but the fact that she did it was truly amazing. I did my best to encourage her the whole way. And all said, another good day. I have been able to relax again, meditate, carry on with my art. There was one issue though first thing this morning, but I will PM you later in the week about it if you don't mind. I'm going to need a bit of guidance!! You know how all the things start to come together and the things that were quietly in the background start to surface. But all in good time.

 

Glad you liked the video! It was released back in 1982, so quite a lot of people were still on the 70's trip involving a lot of psychadelic drugs. Bowie, Adam Ant and definately the directors of just about any Kate Bush video - they were all on the good stuff!

 

I also managed to finish the eBook for the forum today. It has taken weeks of Sunday afternoons to compile but it is worth it. I took all of Hat's Withdrawal Information thread and put it all into a book with links, chapters and so forth. Checked all the links, bit of grammar and spelling - so I got to read the whole lot - all 395 pages - so I have learnt a lot. You can download it already as a pdf, which will also be mobile optimised - but only on smart phone I think - sorry man!! But it will be fine on laptop..

 

https://www.cymbalta...tion-the-ebook/

 

So the cow safari sounds good! I am so jealous of you having all the countryside and wildlife around you. It must be such a good retreat from London. I can understand why your parents have the place. Some of my neighbours here have second homes and work in London, but it is getting so noisy here I don't see the big difference! Nearly 11pm and the hotel have loads of people drinking outside, people walking along by sea being load, dogs barking - you name it. Overpopulation man - its getting everywhere.

 

I really like hearing about these walks you have. You describe it in so much detail - just like Heaven as you say. Amazing that we cannot imagine anything more beautiful. But then it is like giving sight back to a blind person. Hearing back to a deaf person. To be free of the crude matter that makes up our shells. I keep thinking about colours we haven't seen yet, and I did once get something in my orb dream. It was a building with pinkish-blue glass. I can't give it a name and I don't think I could re-create it if I tried. If love were a colour maybe...! We could spend so long thinking about these things. OThers might say why waste your time thinking about things that you will have time for when we leave this mortal coil, but thinking about these things instills love and graditude in us, and we pass that on to everyone else - this is how I see it at least. And that is another thing I miss about the countryside. Whenever you walk passed someone - anyone - they always have a passing greeting. You do that here.. or in London... people will think you have gone on the psychedelics again!! LOL.

 

Right - time for some more art before dinner and wait for the noise to outside to stop.. hopefully!

 

Much love to you brother,

 

God Bless

 

 

[LDN]

GAIL YOU HAVE ALL MY LIGHT!!! 

 

ALL MY LIGHT AND LOVE I SEND TO YOU MY ANGEL!!!

 

Us 3 we love together and suffer together!! 

 

I will name a nice cow Gail, one with black ears!!! Perfect plan!! 

 

In her calm eyes I will see you!!

 

So remember I will be with you tomorrow! God will be with you!! 

 

Remember all will be well! Joy is coming! 

 

I will be praying and my heart will be with you tomorrow!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Hey man another good day - fantastic!! So that is 2 great Saturdays in a row now and overall a very good weekend! Man this is really really encouraging. I'm feeling really excited with how you are doing. I think the meditation and mind work your doing is really starting to bear fruit! And it's only going to get better and better the more experienced you become. Also a massive congrats on your wife, that is a HUGE exposure for her. Just reading that made me feel a little nervous. Please send her my congratulations from a fellow social anxiety sufferer!! Both of you are being so brave and making such great progress. I remember before you told me your wife struggled with going out in the daylight, so to do the busy beach, that is sensational!! So happy for you both! Really happy to hear about you enjoying your art! So good you can express yourself creatively! 

 

So I am pretty knackered here. My aunt and cousin, the ones who I went over to there house last Monday, came over. So I came down and chatted with them for about 1 hour and 40 minutes outside on the patio. They're so nice, but I was feeling a bit flat and so it was a bit of an effort but of course it was so nice to see them again. I hadn't seen my aunt once in 5 years till about 2 weeks ago, and now 3 times in that 2 weeks!! Funny how these things work out isn't it? A bit surreal to take in though if I'm honest. I didn't see anybody for all those years and now seeing people a lot! Just such a huge change in my life. It is so nice not to have to be in my room or letting my parents and brother and sister bring people back, that is a massive weight off my shoulder. Also it is a massive fear I am facing. So I'm really pleased with my progress, but as I say a bit intense at times. We've got some friends from the village coming tomorrow for tea, so not sure where I am going to get the energy from. Haven't seen them since 2012. It is a lot to take in emotionally. But my aunt and cousin had been out with my mum and sister and then just came back here, and I thought it would be nice to say hi again. At least I had seen them before today, so it wasn't as draining as the 1st time for ages. Normally I don't do 2 things in a row like that, need a few days off - but as were down here we to have fit stuff in before going back to London. 

 

The thing I realise on days like today is that I am completely relaxed in these situations and if it wasn't for my brain injury and fatigue I would be able to live so much more 'normally'. My memory, communication skills, cognition are all there - but my brain is just very weak and processing certain information, like music, is very difficult. What for most people they wouldn't even think of as tiring will be leaving needing a few days rest. But it is what it is, and if it wasn't for my illnesses I wouldn't be were I am spiritually. If I was brain and body healthy, shell healthy if you like, I might be spiritually unhappy. The opportunities illness has offered have been huge. 

 

Love to read all your descriptions of those heavenly dreams man! That pinkish blue sounds incredible! I love talking about this stuff with you man and completely agree that it brings life a sense of depth, gratitude and love. Just as you say. I'm surprised to hear that people don't greet you down in Kent. I thought that was very much a London thing!! Have to say luckily the overpopulation isn't an issue her - YET! I have seen a few humans in far distance down the road and ONCE saw someone walking a dog relatively far away in the fields. Granted I haven't walked into the village yet and we are on the outskirts, but even the roads I barely even hear cars driving past the house. I have not seen a single person close up, apart from visitors! It is just so quiet apart from the odd cow or the crows in the morning!! I need no idea what to expect when you sent me that video, but it really does capture how weird I get in nature LOL!! I was thinking in the field the other day - this is Albion. This a world away from modernity. Just rolling hills in every direction. Just so much green everywhere. London will be delightful surprise after this LOL!! At least I have something to look forward to next summer! My parents will retire here as well! 

 

Mate that is incredible about that e book! Massive congrats for that! I'm not sure how you had the energy for that with everything going on! I'm in awe again! 

 

Hope the noise got better man! I am so proud and so happy about your weekend! You put in so much hard work and now you seeing the fruits man!! Thanks for continuous inspiration!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hey you guys, pink and light blue orb sound heavenly.
Happy for you Scrat for another enjoyable day. Two in a row! Lovage.

My sweet London, as your vacation is ending, mine will start soon. I hope to see cows, deers and hunting cat. I will find chatting people, ones that need to talk. Since we're all lonely people, I will enjoy this. Love you!

[invalidusername]

Thank you Gailage. Two in a row is amazing. Today is a bit more trying as it is a national holiday here in the UK so even though I had a bit of work booked, everyone has cancelled because the weather is good. I say good, it is almost 30c which is way too hot for me, so I am inside looking out and trying to occupy my brain...

 

Much lovage