2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey man! So I should first fill you in on the latest developments - so I don't forget!! I got the stool test results back this evening. Firstly, phew that they didn't get lost!! Lol! So it has shown up 3 things. 1. A high level of H pylori (a stomach infection) 2. 10 times upper limit of Streptococcus ( an infection) 3. Occult blood (blood in the stool). So where to start lol! I must say I was really happy when I first heard the news. I knew something wasn't right, but to be fair wasn't expecting 2 infections at once!!! Still these are things that can be treated and it clears up a lot of things. I think it explains a lot about my fatigue that I have 2 infections in my system. That must take it toil on you physically. On top of all my other health problems as well. Regarding the blood will have to have check ups to see what is causing that. All things being considering I'm actually surprised I don't feel worse to be honest! So I'm a bit overwhelmed as was not expecting this at all, but at the same time I'm excited because I'm looking forward to seeing if getting these sorted out will have an impact on my energy. Also Streptococcus (what a word that is LOL!) is apparently linked to neuropsychiatrist symptoms as well. Anyway so will be a busy few weeks ahead no doubt, but it's a new challenge and will be interesting to see where I am afterwards. Obviously at the same time feeling a bit nervous knowing i have all these infections in me, especially after having a google! As I say just taken by complete surprise to be honest. When my mum told I was just excited and happy that something came up, but having had a look at the email from the doctor to see such high levels of the infection shook me a little. Obviously this isn't my field at all and I really have no idea what the results really mean, so feeling in the dark at bit. At the same time I have good doctors and I will leave it to them. I've done my bit which was getting the stool test done LOL!! Now I just leave it to the experts! 

 

Also we had a builder today!!!! Arrived just as had gone to bed! Meaning he was here basically working all through my sleep. The shower upstairs was broken so he had to lift up some floor boards and stuff like that to fix a new one. I have stopped using ear plugs so a while now, because they cause my ears to get blocked with wax. But this morning I wasn't risking it. Thankfully I slept through it all, which of course is a massive relief. But woke up deaf in one ear LOL! Completely blocked with wax! Then add in having to do the 24 hour urine sample today!! I felt so stressed this morning. I really go feel my self on edge of a huge wave of stress and self pity. But after what happened in the car journey, I wasn't going to indulge in it. I was really strong with myself and just said 'JUST BE. JUST BE HERE NOW'. I took a step back and could see my choice. I was facing two paths ahead of me. One was that of self pity, getting angry and stressed about my ear and the fact the builder had to come, going over and over it, feeling overwhelmed by the urine sample. The stress would have exhausted me and I had so much to focus on. The other path I faced was to just let it go. Let it be. Step back and say welcome stress and anxiety, but don't become them. They are not me, they are just emotions. States of mind. I don't have to let them control me. I can let them wash over me but not be attached to them. I am free. I am not stress and anxiety. Now how liberating is that? So I chose the path of freedom. I realised in that moment of choice that self pity is addictive. I love to indulge in it. To go one about how rubbish my life is. To go on about how the world is against me. How everything always goes wrong. They was a real urge in me to give in that mindset. I have become so used to that mindset over the years, I am addicted to it. This realisation of the urge I felt to think so negatively was fascinating. I had never realised before I was addicted to thinking in this certain way. It was so exhilarating to have the stress and anxiety floating around me and withhold the urge to grab them. It was exhilarating to feel so free. To be able to just step back and just SEE. Not to become the stress and anxiety but just watch them. All day I have withheld them. 

 

So I woke to my blocked ear and my mum and brother stressed and having to focus on my urine sample. I realised I had to go the pharmacist and ask his advice. So I just focused my energy on simply getting ready and stayed very calm. Then I walked to the pharmacist and saw my friend and he suggested these drops I've used before and so I got those. All the while I was feeling very strange with my ear. I had balance but things felt slightly different. Also having used ear plugs for the first time in well over a year, all the sound was extra loud. But I just rode it, floated, let it be. I have also really tapped into the self compassion today. My schedule has been a bit disrupted and I can feel this anger at myself - 'you idiot, your late, your a mess, sort your self out'. No I was going to go there. I imagined how I would treat someone else and then used that compassion on myself. I've had a lot to deal with, so if I'm a bit all over the place that's ok! That's fine! I am not a robot! These things will only become an issue if I choose to make them one. I just let that negative energy and negative thoughts just be there, but treated myself with compassion and positivity. And you know what? I feels really nice to be nice to yourself. I feel a different person, not treating myself so harshly and negatively. It feels a breath of fresh air. I realise why my therapist was so focused on this. So it's a work in progress but it fells like a breakthrough for me. I am now going to try and be as compassionate to myself as possible. Cancel my compassion for others to myself, which is something I have definitely not been doing! 

 

So man what an amazing day for you! Over 2 hours of reading! 70 pages! What an exciting breakthrough for your mornings! That feels massive! And then a new client, plus the shopping! And then seeing 3 people in the Tesco! Man that is incredible!! Seeing people we haven't seen for years is massively exhausting!! Also very emotionally draining! So I'm sorry you couldn't feel the victory, but man that is definitely not a false victory, that is the depression talking there! That is a huge victory! A really really fantastic achievement!! I am so proud here!! 3 people in 30 minutes!! The reading! The new client! Brilliant! I am really sorry you couldn't see this for yourself, but thankfully I am here and I can say that what your depression is telling you is 'fake news', as my therapist calls it. From the outside that sounds an absolutely amazing achievement of a day!! As I say very proud here!! 

 

You are spot on about the hostility and anger, which it must be said is completely justified!! But as you say there is just no point getting angry and stressed over what we can't control. It just eats away at us, makes us worse and achieves absolutely nothing worthwhile. We just have to rise above these things we can't control and not let them enslave us. I read about a guy who was put in jail for 30 years wrongfully, he was completely innocent. He was this very spiritual guy. 30 years of his life in a tiny cell. Yet when they acquitted him and he came out he said he felt no anger and wished nothing bad on those who had falsely accused him. He said if something along the lines of if he had anger, he may have walked out of the gates of the jail but he would have still been enslaved. That really hit home. He could have let it ruin his life, and that is what you would expect and would have been natural. But he moved on and now he is happy and enjoying his life it seems, which couldn't have been done if he hadn't freed himself emotionally. 

 

Yeah Thich Nat Hanh is great! Read one of his books about Jesus and the Buddha. He has written loads of books, so if you like him there is plenty more where that came from! I hadn't heard of that, but sounds just like my cup of tea. He lived in France in exile and set up a Buddhist monastery. He placed a Jesus cross on the alter. He was introduced to Jesus by Martin Luther King and Thomas Merton in America. He is a poet as well, so he comes up with these great metaphors! Thanks for that tip. I have about 30 on my Amazon save for later!! Got a lot of work ahead of me!! 

 

So massive love and prayers for tomorrow morning!! Just do your best that is all you can do! Just try and float and remember to be kind to yourself! Remember this is just a human experience, we are spiritual beings!! We are in this together brother, always!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless

[LDN]

GAIL! 

 

MY PRINCESS FROM CANADA!!! 

 

Thank you for those kind words! 

 

You are always so positive and it lifts me so much! What a wonderful, wonderful soul you are! 

 

Every word of you I love!! 

 

I learn so so much from you!! 

 

Love you so much!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

Scrat, wishing you well for the therapy!

London, great job! Love you both!

[invalidusername]

Thanks Gailage... I will address what happened in the "therapy" in message to our LDN below. Not much more news from you on the respite front, so assume all is going well? Been thinking and praying for you every day my dear...

 

Much love.

[invalidusername]

Fantastic!!! You have an infection!! What great news...!! LOL

 

In all seriousness though, I am so happy that this was found. I was grinning when I read that this morning and felt such a relief for you. Having gone through loads of stomach stuff earlier in the year, I went to town on looking into everything. So yes, the infections will clear up with meds, and the blood (assuming it was traces - a lot would have been more obvious) is more than likely a result of the infections remaining untreated. Anything more sinister and you are unlikely to know about it - the pain for the more serious stuff is far less than what you have had. I am also surprised that you weren't doubled over in pain at times with that. When I was treated, they thought I was milking the pain until I finally had an x-ray to show my hernia, which meant the base of my esophagus was swimming in acid. Man - that was agony I can tell you. But again, I am so happy for you and please keep me up-to-date with it all.

 

And now a builder!? Never rains but it pours right!? The wonders of being nocturnal. I can well imagine waking up with being deaf in one ear being horrible - but at least you knew what that was. My earplugs are hollowed out in the centre which allows wax to drain as I used to have that problem too. It is worth investing if you get the benefit from them. They have interchangable filters which allow more or less noise to be stopped. I use them when I work on the car too when I am hitting stuff or using power tools. I could really feel it when you said you felt on edge of a massive stress wave hitting you and awesome that you were able to confront it and keep your balance through it all. Huge achievement man - well done. Liberating as you say for sure. Hoping you can hold onto this and tap into it further down the line.

 

So I got very little sleep as I was laying in bed feeling very angry about the mental health team and thinking what I would like to say. I got there on time and went off to the room - not really nervous at all. Probably because I had only got out of bed, shoveled some food and went! The therapist started all this "It's so lovely to see you again" and "So glad you could make it on such a lovely day" - her platitudes were making me sick! Just stop all this b*llocks will you!! Then she told me that my sessions had to be reduced to 25 minutes (instead of an hour!) due to the room being needed at 9.30. "There will be someone waiting right outside as soon as we finish.. I guarantee you" she said. Shouldn't have told me that. It may have been early, but I am still with it. She went through the usual stuff that I need to try doing more things that I enjoy and writing down feelings etc. So force myself to do my artwork - I don't like that. Creativity is not bred from negative thinking. And I am already trying this with the reading so I will speak about that next time.  

 

Anyway - it got to 9.30 and she started ushering me out but I didn't move. Just one more thing before I go.... and I just made up some rubbish - I forget what it was, but kept looking at the clock until it reached around 9.37. We then left the room. Corridor empty. "So where are these people who need the room then?". Silly trollop. 

 

I am due another "25 minutes" next Friday which I am not happy about, but I will just humour them for now. 

 

When i got home, I was so out of it, I went back to bed, but mind was still spinning so I was in a state of half-sleep, half-awake. Not that nice really, but I couldn't do much else. However, rest of the day went well. I looked back on what I have coped with this week and tried my best to find all the gratitude and strength from it all. This is the stuff I need to remember when my days balance out again and I need to stop panicking about the bad times being just around the corner. 

 

Right - time to relax and unwind as I am so shattered!! Remind me there was something really good that happened that I need to tell you about tomorrow!! I want to get the details right!

 

Love you brave brother..

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man. Got back the blood tests and one of the urine samples today and they were fine, so I am doubly relieved to have something come up with the stool sample! Of course it has been a hassle trying to get the GP to see me - only available a really really rubbish time, it will really mess me up next week having to get so early, but it is all they have.  They have a number of different GPs at the practice but for some reason only this one can see me, why? They can't explain. Of course they woke me up as well this morning calling me. Then on top of that they want to 'review' my medication - next available time - in 6 weeks! Also at a terrible time for it! Of course compared to you, this is pathetically small. I almost felt too embarrassed to mention it, considering what you have had to face. My p doc did tell last week that the NHS is the 'ultimate exposure'. That is coming from someone in the system. Also my brother told me when that his friends boyfriend is a junior doctor and is working 14 hours a day and said he wouldn't bring his mum near his hospital. Every time I look at the news it something about the NHS. Still I wish I could do more to help you. With all the mind stuff I really feel at least I can suggest stuff and we discuss things, but this appalling treatment is hurting me a lot (obviously way worse for you!!). All I will say is that this whole thing is out of your control. That rage that you very very rightfully feel, ultimately is probably only adding to your stress. I really care about you a lot man, I have been getting deeply angry about your treatment, as my family with at test to. So to imagine what how you feel in all this, must just be unbearable. But as I say, you are doing your best in regards to what you can control, and for what you can't you just have to somehow just let it be. I feel almost bad typing that, as the situation you face is just mind blowing but you have got this far now man. It is in your best interest to just liberate yourself from what you can't control. Anyway I am very proud of you for getting up and handling yourself so well. I was really so inspired by the bravery you showed. It is really is humbling to me to see such staggering courage shown by you. I really tap into that throughout the day. I was thinking of you today in a tough moment and how incredible it was you were getting up at 9. So you are really really lifting me man. Nothing but huge respect and love. 

 

It was actually hearing that I had to wait 6 weeks and even then at a horrific time that hit me hard at the beginning of that journey. I was thinking about it and how much bitterness and anger I had about it, and how it was overcoming me. Bear in mind this is nothing compared to you!! But I really thought to myself, I have to detach myself from this. It's out of my control. I am trying my best in all I can control and in everything else I must give it up and I trust the plan. I am free, I just have to open my eyes to it. I don't have to be enslaved by self pity and venting against the world. I do have a choice. I am facing these two different paths ahead of me. Being tied to this 'human experience', being tied down to this earthly realm or detaching myself, letting go and just trusting in the plan. All the energy on worry, I want to put that energy into love, my passion. I have told you before I feel strongly my purpose is love, after that I don't mind. My focus is love. This is what drives me as a person. This is the core of my spirituality. The more I stand back from negative emotions, the more energy I have to pore into my positive emotions. I can pick the emotions that I want to harness and just observe those that are a negative influence. 

 

So man I am really excited for your good thing that happened! I look forward to hearing that! I must say head not really working tonight, I can't spell a single word LOL! Doesn't help my ear is still deaf and sort of throbbing. So as I say a bit empty headed tonight brother, and I really apologise for that. Been a lot going on with all the endless test results coming back in and having to focus on getting off all the different samples, and now having to organise the next steps. Finished my 24 hour sample today, so for now no more!! So a bit overwhelmed with information I think and trying to organise things in my head. Again apologises man. 

 

So happy to hear the rest of your day went well though. And again a massive congrats for an incredible effort this morning. I am in awe!! And not for the first time!!!

 

I will be praying!! 

 

Love you so much man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Thanks Gail! 

 

Love you so so much!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

Scrat, looking for something grateful? You helped me greatly by saying you were trying your best to find all the strength and gratitude from all this. For myself this is such a good reminder. I needed that. You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend.

Hey London, love, joy, peace!

[gail]

Scrat, forgot to say that you may not feel the gratitude, as when you feel like shit, you don't feel from the interior. How often I go to bed, and feel nothing, and sure, my friend brought me the milk as I could not go out. Thank you God, lovage xxxx

[invalidusername]

Glad my words helped as a reminder Gailage. Things have been better this week, but I am just not noticing them. This is why I need to find gratitude - and stop looking for something perfect. Doing all I can to not let all the crap in my head mean too much!!

 

Much lovage and blessings.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I knew the bloods would be fine, but still glad to hear the news. It will all be tied into the stomach virus for sure. But why on earth do you have to wait 6 weeks to see the doctor? Surely that isn't to sort out the virus? A 10 day course of 500mg Amoxicillin will sort that out - but this should be done asap. And damn typical that it would be at a stupid time as well. I was still so exhausted all of today because of yesterday morning. The problem is that you don't really properly sleep when you have to wake up that early. It takes something like 3 hours minimum to get to a decent REM cycle which is the restorative part you need. I had just hit that point when the alarm went off. Also really upset me to hear about that doctor working on the NHS - they are the last company I would ever work for. There is no surprise that when I have gone to my local hospital that I cannot understand anything that the staff are saying - none of them are from the UK! Seriously - there must have been abut 20 out of 52 countries represented there. I don't mind at all - one world and all that - because if it wasn't for these kind souls, we would be screwed. All very well people saying that they come over here and steal our jobs - but this isn't so for the health service - dammit, they need what they can get because we all know over here what a shambles they are to work for... so we all steer clear!!

 

But please tell me you haven't got to wait 6 weeks for your infection to be seen... surely not.... You say it is not big compared to my situation, but it is man. If that infection kicks around too much longer it can... well I don't want to tell you, but leave HP untreated is not something you want to do. I do hope you can sort this out.

 

You do know that you can go online and pay a one-off fee for a 20 minute consultant if you need a prescription? I think it is around £25-30 and people are using these services now more because of all the backlog. My GP was supposed to retire this year, but they have paid him off to stay on!!

 

I still have a lot of this anger inside me. When I went to see my friend I deliberately did not mention it because I knew what would happen, but inevitably it came out, but I stopped myself. It is that bad that just a few sentences get me stressed. It's just not fair man. Not at all. I was sat there telling the trollop that I was working all I would to make sure I was paying rent, getting food and looking after the wife, and she had the audacity to say that I should be expected to pay for my treatment after these 4 sessions!! OK - and stop IUN... breathe!!

 

Right, so let's come back to something nice - this thing I wanted to tell you. It was last night when I couldn't sleep and I was praying and asking just for a little something to help me in the morning. A reminder of home. I was wide awake, but I remember not finishing my prayer, so I obviously fell asleep quick then! My dream had me journey to this amazing room which had a big glass dome at one end, and sat in this room there was some guy who looked like Einstein or someone, but all in white and he wanted to show me what he was doing. He showed me this "thing"... it was a 3-dimensional or holographic screen thing - but is wasn't a screen because it had depth. What it was showing was amazing in colour, but I can't quite remember what it was I was looking at, but I remember a lot of green landscape. But it was more than just a 3D image, there were things attached to what you saw. Feelings. When I woke up I still had this clear in my mind and I am sure I was shown what I had read in so many books as the scanning machine. This instrument that allows you to see parts of your, or someone else's life and learn from it... by almost being there and feeling everything that goes on there. This is why I felt so calm that morning. I felt so blessed by what I had seen. I was a bit angry though as I wanted to stay in the dream/vision, or at least stay in bed and reflect on it!! But I am just so grateful to have had this experience...

 

Right - time for a rest. Still a bit done in - hope you are feeling more refreshed today knowing everything is in place for now with tests. How is the ear?

 

Love you so much man... 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! Well I first have to a physical examination because of the blood. Then they mentioned dealing with the Streptococcus. I have to wait 6 weeks and even then it is such a terrible time for me. But they can fit me in for a physical examination on Tuesday, but again at just a horrific time. So early for me! It will completely mess everything up! I am like you I hate interrupted sleep. So will have to go to bed super early, which is difficult because then I can't get too sleep! It too much all this! How am I meant to sort it all out? So much to think about and to be honest I haven't got the energy for all this. Once the physical is done I can get my lyme disease doctor to deal the rest. Obviously is not on NHS lol! I have to skype him though, so need the NHS for the physical! 

 

Man you're anger is completely and utterly justified! And that is an understatement!! As I mentioned before to you once I have had anger problems to deal with. Let's just say there may be a massive dent in the dustbin LOL!! Not proud of that, but thankfully I didn't break my foot in the process LOL! 8 years of illness brings with it a huge amount of repression. I was ultimately so angry with my situation, more an anger with life than a particular issue like yours. Your anger is much more justified than mine. But still I had seriously repressed anger which would come out in moments like the dustbin! Happened twice as well! Again I'm not proud of it, but then again 8 years ill does lead to huge frustration and this can boil over. However, recently I am transformed person. Rarely get angry or at least don't act out the anger. I have spoken to both my brother and mum and they both said they noticed I have been very calm for a while now. Inside sometimes I feel strong emotions, but rather than repressing them I just let come but don't act on them. Just let them be there. I read that meditation makes the gap between emotion and your reaction longer. I have really noticed this. I will feel so angry or stressed but be able to take a breath and step back and not give into it, just observe in a detached way. I have learned just because the emotion of anger bubbles up, I don't have to act angry - I can just observe the emotion. This really is liberating and the more you practise it, the more your brain becomes accustomed to the process. It's almost like re-wiring your brain. My stock reaction to anger or stress now is just to step back and take a breath, rather than acting it out. It still a work in progress, very much so, but it is cool to see your brain sort changing how it works in real time! 

 

I had something similar today. I went on a different route and was feeling ok physically so managed to stay out a bit longer. Went to the river (which is absolutely filthy on inspection!!). Did some duck watching as well. They were in a damn thing, next to the river. Not the river water thankfully. Was quite busy as well. Saturday afternoon everybody on their way to a night out or spending the day in the pub! I thought I had pushed myself too much. Was really feeling very uncomfortable and anxious. But I really had this thought - 'what can this anxiety do to me? What have I got to fear?'. I really just let the anxiety come in, I completely welcomed it. And it was weird because by having no resistance to it, I almost enjoy the experience. As anxiety is sort of a bad version of feeling excitement, by not putting a label on the anxiety - as in 'this is bad', but just remaining neutral - I sort transformed the experience to a degree. I felt like 'oh wow I'm feeling anxious because I'm in new territory, isn't that exciting, this is an adventure'. I used the presence of the anxiety as a sign I was breaking new ground, and then this in turn lead to a sense of excitement. Also to be able to feel anxiety and not let it affect me, that really makes me excited as well. I'm thinking to myself 'if I can cope with the anxiety in a pressure situation like this, what possibilities does that open to me'. I feel a real sense of achievement on the walk as I feel the anxiety but still enjoy the walk! It that realisation that I can cope with anxiety and not let it overwhelm me. I feel like I'm doing a mental assault course, and doing it well! It's turning that danger into a buzz rather than something that overcomes you. While in theory I was 'just on a walk', in reality I was in the middle of some hard mental graft. In the middle of a mental assault course, and because I was doing well I was getting a buzz out of it. It was like doing some SAS course but for the mind. I'm finding overcoming fears is actually quite addictive! So anyway hope that makes some sense LOL!! Just thinking out loud here and trying to work why I'm now getting enjoyment out of the anxiety. Anyway sorry for this man!! To think where I was a year ago in regards to anxiety though!! Even in March I couldn't leave the front door!! Was out for 29 minutes today and the majority of that was new areas! 

 

My ear oh man LOL! Basically completely deaf. The drops aren't working, so will have to get it syringed. So more NHS yeah!! I saw a neighbour and just could barely hear what she was saying as she was speaking on the side of my deaf ear! Certainly makes things feel a bit weird only having hearing in one ear! A bit disorientating! In the past I would be so stressed about it, getting all worked up, but I've dealt with it well. Since I already have stomach going crazy, it just adds to sense of bedlam! There is just too much going on in my body to know where to start, so I'm just embracing the chaos! 

 

Man that dream was amazing! That, plus your grandad, your dreams are really bringing you some deep moments man! I'm so pleased that spiritually you are being given some riches! I bet nothing on earth can touch those dreams right? They must be giving you so much strength! I have this cool thing that recently starting happening sometimes when I get in bed or before my siesta where the moment I close my eyes it's feels like the bed becomes a small boat and the boat starts to head off into the world of dreams! It this really transcendent feeling. 

 

I really hope tomorrow goes well man! I will be praying! 

 

Love you so much

 

God bless

[LDN]

Hey Gail!! 

 

That joy is coming!!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

London, what an edifying post. I copied a part in my dàily book. How exciting

For all of us who are plagued with anxiety, lots of us, post 822 is a post that you will put in your treasury box for sure, for a kid, you never cease to amaze me. Thank you for from all of us!

Love, peace and joy to come. Thank you again London. Scrat that is renewed by his dreams, and me? Me? Lost into your two worlds, and enjoying the lessons you teach me. Love to you both!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Sounds like you have a few hoops to jump through courtesy of this little jaunt of infectious stuff. I guess that you are just a lot more vulnerable than most to such things. My weekend friend - who is also a doctor (specialised not GP) - explained it to me that we could all be strep carriers and not have any reaction, but the smallest brush with it may likely be enough to infect you, who is far more likely to not be able to keep it at bay. And don't get me started on the sleep distruption. It is such a pain - and it really does mess things up. Even today I am still suffering from Friday morning. I have it again this coming Friday, and the next. I'm trying not to think about it. Apparently it is impossible to change... apparently. It has zapped my energy which makes it all the more difficult to keep up the mental barriers against thoughts and so forth.

 

Last night I had a very strange set of circumstances where I got very restless and irritable. I was still exhausted but was anxious inside like I had a lot of energy that needed to be shaken off. I can't quite describe it, but it manifested as a lot of muscle twitching and body jolts. Managed to sleep fine, but in the morning it just carried on and I started having random thoughts which made me feel worse. Took a valium - bad idea. This immobilised me further and made me worse. I let that wear off and then took a small dose of special K and it made it all go away!! I had a euphoric hour and a half and then leveled out to feeling a bit fed up. But taken it easy and done a fair bit of meditation to keep my system on a slower speed. I really hope this isn't going to occur every weekend cos it is just not worth it. People really don't understand. When I tell them I have delayed sleep phase syndrome, they think I'm making it up... bit like the NHS with yours. Every nurse, doctor etc I tell has never heard of it and they just say... as I bet you have heard so many times.. "just got to bed earlier". If only it were that simple. My circadian rhythm is off by 5 hours you stupid people. You try going to be at 6pm and getting up at 2am and see where it gets you!!! LOL

 

 You know what. Re-reading your reply, I think anger has a lot to do with this. It sure sounds like it. I haven't been anxious or depressed per se, but a lot of nasty energy. I am glad you can see that it is justified. Might need to borrow your dustbin! Like you, I am a very pacifying person. I never raise my voice, never fight, never get angry... apart from that git who trapped me in my parking space the other week! We need to get rid of this hostility somehow. This is why I am meditating on it. There is no reason why negative energy has to come out as negative. It can be dissipated a number of ways. I remember watching Karl Pilkington one where he met a group that went to a weekly meet at a scrapyard to smash stuff up to let out their anger, and I remember thinking to myself, what happens when the meet has a week off... what about holidays? These people have been conditioned to smash stuff up as a means to release anger!! Wouldn't like to live nextdoor to them!!

 

I am really in awe of how you are managing your exposures and seeing them as a challenge. It sounds like a wonderful place to be. At the moment, I feel like my everyday life is enough of an exposure what with clients, shopping, mental health, wife etc. If I took on anything more, it would worry me that I would overdo it. This is what frustrates me a little. But I did manage extra things for those 3 weeks not so long back, so I can do it. Looking at my chart I can see that I am staying on something of a plateau - rather than ups and downs. In some ways this is good as there are not so many nasty shocks, but whilst I never get "that" low, I equally never get "that" good either. So it becomes a bit of a stalemate - and too much of the same thing can have a negative effect. When you have the bad days, you get a buzz even when things get a little better, but I am missing that buzz. I am sure this is all part of the way forward, but it is tough, even though the chart says I am doing better. I have drawn a new baseline, so 60% has become the new 45% if you will... I hope that makes sense... So instead of going 45 to 75 to 45 to 75 etc, I am remaining a steady 60.

 

This is why I think what you are doing it great because it keeps this excitement going - you are getting that buzz. The new territory, the adventure. Fantastic. Go for it.Just like Gailage said, it is good post to read over in times when you need that encouragement. There ways to change how you perceive these things - just like I am really really trying to do with this anger!! And 29 minutes and lots of new areas - this is wonderful man. I was picturing the park bit down by the river and how many people there are around there. It puts my area in perspective. Sure it is one of the busier areas of my town, but it would be tame compared to the East End. If you can gets to grips with this stuff there, then there will be very few places that will hold you back. I've always had a bit of a phobia of REALLY crowded places, but I remember when these things happened, I would just get on with it knowing it would pass in a few minutes. Sure it was uncomfortable, but I just got on with it. Then afterwards I felt absolutely fine, and a bit happier about the whole thing. So it is no different, just as you say. What is the worst that can happen. So hard to get into a space outside of your head, but with practise, it will get there for sure. This is why I am eager to get on top of this stress rubbish and joint you. But meanwhile I have to remain calm and collected with what I am achieving for the moment.

 

Right - long post already. Going back to my calming management for a while!

 

So proud of you man - and love you so much...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! Completely exhausted tonight! All my existing symptoms, plus my stomach, plus my ear, plus the stress of the NHS and I have not much in the tank. Still deaf in my right ear. It is very disorientating just hearing sound from one ear. Also it is sort of ringing. I know what it is, which is good. Also it is giving me headaches. Overall I feel very snowed under and under the weather. My brain is so slow. On the NHS it really is getting me stressed, this early appointment. They say I can only see the main doctor, not any of the others and he is only there 2 days a week. Why this is? No explanation! Normally it is always you can see any of the doctors. This guy isn't even my prescribed GP! I have never met him! So I feel in the dark about it. Just like you were saying, it's like the equivalent of getting up at 2 am for us! I'm going to go to bed early tonight, so I can wake up earlier tomorrow, so I can go to bed earlier. Also always really stressed about the emotional situation of having to try and not mention my main illness, knowing they will just say 'that doesn't exist'. I couldn't take being told that what I have had since 2013 is just in my head! They know nothing about it. In Germany, where the healthcare is much much better from my experience and what I have heard, they recognise it! In America the recognise it! The NHS is very far behind all the up to date research. It also very against anything remotely alternative. Sorry to rant about this, as it is nothing compared your situation. As I say I feel embarrassed to even mention it. But there is something really horrible of being told that what has been the main issue in my life since 2013 is false. I have not rise to that bait. I am terrified to be honest. 6 years of intense suffering behind me, severely handicapped to this day, that is a lot of emotional baggage! It's like in their eyes I must be part of some crazy cult of something. Anyway that helped to get it off my chest, but I'm still terrified. I have made every effort to avoid seeing these doctors. Sorry for this man but I can't lie, the last two days I've really been getting stressed over this. So just a heads up if I am all over the place the next few days - you know why! 

 

Man I'm sorry to hear about those symptoms last night, and then carried this morning. Happy you could get it under control with the Special K! Well done on the meditating! That is a great achievement in the circumstances! It would be very easy for you considering the circumstances to say you were too tired, which would be justified. So to still crack on with it is a great achievement and you will be rewarded for these hard yards you are putting in! Definitely agree about the negative energy. I at times can flirt with being very nihilistic. It's strange since my spiritual outlook is so positive. But by nature my thinking is very existential. I am almost in a perpetual existential crisis LOL! Spend a lot of time in real despair and dejection about the world. THANKFULLY I have my spirituality. I would be completely unbearable to read without it LOL!! For me the big one that helps is love. Just focussing on love. Making that my core. I know it sounds quite abstract and happy clappy but it's what works for me. I try my best to be compassionate and have a positive energy and that bring this to all situations. It keeps things simple for me. When the head is overrun, I just think LOVE. Do whatever I am doing with love. It really centres me and clarifies my thoughts. I am really trying to move beyond my ego. To put the focus on what I can give, not what I can take. This is where I am spiritually but it also really helps me psychologically as well. As I say keeps things simple for me and moves the focus away from my ego's demands to the benefit of others. I think it is great that you can meditate on your anger. For me all my tools and spirituality came from meditation and contemplation. Giving myself space. Being still. With our stressed minds we can't come up with solutions, without taking a step back. So for my exposures I really tap into what I worked on meditation and contemplation. In the middle of my exposures I can't just come up with solutions on the spot. Do you know what I mean? It is a case on doing your homework and practice and then putting them into practice during the exposures. It is quiet a methodical process. Reading, meditation, contemplation and stillness. You can't just calm your mind in the middle of a pressure situation without first having done it in stillness and quiet. 

 

Today I was on my walk and I could feel I was on the edge of failing into some really bad depression. I immediately went to what works for me - focusing on the fact I am spiritual being having a human experience. I told myself this. I looked around me and thought 'this is a human experience'. I told myself this just like a dream. Just be here and now. This recontextualising of the situation just brought me back from the edge and brought me calm. Without my tools and this new approach to my life, I would really found it tough. But once I had told myself 'just be here with the fear, don't run' and 'this just a human experience, like a dream', I settled into a really calm state. I walked all the way down to the river again and did some new bits. Was out for 30 minutes. I was just in a state of peace and felt this sense of complete safety, like nothing could harm me. In the end my legs were hurting so much, so I had to head back. But with my mindset like that without the physical dynamic I think I could have stayed out much longer. It was as if I was transcending time, I didn't look at my watch once. I had no idea how I was doing time wise. I really was just floating. As I say without my physical condition I would have loved to just keep going. So had 59 minutes of walks in the last 2 days and most of that was all new ground. I felt a bit gutted coming back with my physical condition but then again without the spirituality that being ill has brought me I would have coped with the mental side of things and so wouldn't have even enjoyed the walk. Also I had a dream last night and it included this alley that I walked for the first time saturday. For some reason I felt really scared of going back there this morning, I didn't know why but obviously tied in with the dream. So I told myself I going back there on my walk. So that was an added bonus, overcoming this irrational fear and in the process making me feel I could rise above my fears. It was like breaking the spell of the fear, seeing it as just an illusion. 

 

I definitely agree with you that your day to day life is very much a big exposure. I have none of that, so can use the walks as my exposure. Outside of the walk I am just completely normal routine. So it's 30 minutes a day max and the rest is recovery. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and it's a case of keeping going being actually moving forward. As in the fact you are doing your job, shopping, looking after your wife, the nhs is in itself a massive achievement. The strength you are showing is absolutely astonishing! I am massively inspired by how your are doing!  I totally get what you are saying about 60 being your new 45, and that is fantastic. With time that will become 70 and then 80, so in the long run the fact you have moved up to 60% as a baseline is brilliant! I understand you miss the buzz, but making systematic progression like you are is long term really exciting and encouraging! From the outside I am in massive awe of how you are doing and very much using you as an inspiration for myself! Really proud of you man! 

 

You are doing so so well man, as I say really using you as an inspiration for me here! Thank you so much for your kindness and courage! I love sharing this human journey with you!

 

Love you so much 

 

God bless

[LDN]

Gail! Thank you so much for such lovely words of encouragement! It is you who is inspiring me here! I honestly wouldn't be here without out you! 

 

Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for being so compassionate. You lift me up so much with our your words! You have a very very special soul! 

 

Meeting you was such a huge gift from God! Thank you God! I love you so much! 

 

JOY IS COMING FOR YOU, GOD'S JOY!! 

 

Peace, joy and love! 

[gail]

Hello guys, such a great pleasure to read you again. Advices, personal experiences, no fear of being laughed at.

Anyone that has been experiencing this, cannot laugh but give compassion.

You guys are awesome, I applaude you for being an open book. Now where do I go to give yourself each a hug?

[invalidusername]

Gailage - send that hug over here!! I really want that hug. I don't like Mondays... they are too much!!

 

Hope all is going well - what is the latest on the brownies? I hope you have a source for them coming from somewhere!!

 

Much love... and joy...

[invalidusername]

Hey man....

 

I thought you might be exhausted at the moment, given a day or two after all the mayhem stopped. It usually hits then. Can't believe your ear is still not sorted - doesn't it put your balance off? I am very fortunate that I have an ear specialist clinic about 2 minutes walk from my flat! Any time that I need something, I can just nip in there and they will see me. They also sorted my ear plugs for me. Wonderful items. Regarding the doctor, we will never know. It would appear that these people can say what they want and there is nothing we can do about it. Once Brexit comes, I think we will be in for a bit of a shock in terms of many things, but health care will be one high on that list. When the NHS started, a majority of the medical community were against it and said it will only lead to bad things.. eventually. They were right. I know the US have their own issues with insure and wotnot, but nothing can be as bad as what we have to tolerate over here. When my parents took a trip to France, my Mum was waiting for an appointment for a suspect chest infection. Middle of the night, she had a coughing fit. The hotel called out a local French doctor, called an ambulance and got her straight into casualty. They diagnosed her there and then - I forget what it was - but something quite horrific. They gave her tablets and an inhaler to prevent the fits getting to the point that they did that night. French health care is amazing. Another friend of mine has a house in Normandy and his neighbour had a worrying pain in his chest. Into the doctors by 11am - hospital by 4pm and overnight. 8am the next morning they were doing by-pass surgery. 24 hours man!! Still bewildered over them not recognising your condition. How can one health service acknowledge it and another cannot. That just doesn't make sense. There is so many journal articles on Lyme. Surely with the tic and all that, it has to be fact and nowhere near a fictitious ailment?!

 

I did get symptoms under control yesterday with the K, but I had something similar this morning - and I think I worked it out. Too much K in too little time. It is essentially a withdrawal... around 12-13 hours after the main dose it when it should hit. So I have knocked it on the head for a few days, so if I have anything rough, I will just have to weather it this week, and just be careful and remember when I have dosed with the K in future. Glad I can trust myself enough not to be addicted to the stuff and that I can just stop at the drop of a hat. I suppose knowing how fragile my system can be, it is in my best interest. The anxiety cleared up in a couple of hours by itself, and I was fine apart from a moment in Tesco earlier. I had a derealisation moment in the frozen isle. Out of nowhere - I suddenly had no idea why I had gone there, what I was doing. I told myself that there is no need for alarm. I have been through this many times before. So I just walked around a bit until I got some perspective. Fine shortly after I got home and got some food in me.

 

Regarding the solutions, I do understand. When you are in the middle of anxiety, the old brain takes over and cognitive thinking just doesn't get a look in - you cannot expect to have anything rational happen as a result. We are essentially thinking like cave people. Everything leads to fight or flight. And whatever we think will have a direct route to one of those solutions. I watched a really good TED talk on stress that mentioned all about this. Doesn't necessarily help to get the science behind it as it still happens, but with an explanation, it is interesting and know it isn't anything irreversible that has happened to your brain!

 

Wonderful that you are able to delve into your tool box when you need to when you feel the anxiety and depression taking over. My recovered friend (of 6 years suicidal depression) is always talking about this "toolbox" and how she dips in and out of it to keep herself on the good side of things. So the fact that you are using this approach speaks well to me having seen these things work. And I want to be following it... so I am digesting everything that you have the fortunate to witness with your ways of thinking.

 

Oh and finally. I forgot to mention after my meeting last Friday. I was asked about some of the thoughts that I have had about harm etc. And of course one of the questions was whether I have considered harming anyone other than myself. I had to think how to put it as my response was yes... indirectly. She questioned it and I had to tell her the truth. She knew just how angry I was with the team there, so I said... I have considered burning the building down!! The look on her face man!! When she asked if I had planned it, I told her that I had mapped all the fire exits that I had seen during my time there... LOL. I think they were worried

 

I will leave you with that little anecdote... and a huge congrats for that alley man. As irrational as it may sound to some, it is very real in your head and it would have taken some effort to have gone right back into that situation. Seriously well done man...

 

Much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Thank Gail! We are team all of us! We are in this together! 

 

If Jesus loved the sick so much, then I know I should not be ashamed. Thank you Jesus! 

 

'Jesus said to them "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" '. (Mark 2:17)

 

'Jesus said "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it"' (John 11:4)

 

'The poor and the sick are the heart of God. In serving them we serve Jesus Christ.' (St. Camillus de Lellis)

 

GOD JOY IS COMING MY LOVE!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Hey brother can't post my reply for some reason. So I have emailed you it! Will try again tomorrow to post it! Love you and God bless!

[invalidusername]

Got your email fine this end man... hopefully I can post this or I will be doing the same!

 

Just something to share first - with both you and Gailage. Something I read from the wonder Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh earlier today and it made me think of you both - especially where Gail is concerned in finding her place still here. Obviously, LDN you understand the stuff behind it, but for Gail's sake, in Zen Buddhism, it is known that life is permanently on-going, and that there is part of your life in everything. There is no birth, no death... no coming and no going. Think when you make a cup of tea. You put the leaves in a pot, boil the water and let it steep - and soon you have your cup of tea. Then you might pour on some more water and make another cup and enjoy that.

 

What is left is some leaves that was previously the tea, and they are still there. But most of the goodness that has come from them has gone into you - you who drank the tea and enjoyed its lovely flavours and refreshment. Therein lies my point that you guys are the leaves and all the goodness that you provide to those around you (me very much included) take in a piece of you. You guys live on in me. So, Gail.. LDN.. when you are writing here, the "tea" is being drunk by many others, and you live in that person. When our time comes to go home to the Summerlands, we will still very much live on here by the influences that we have made. So, every day there is a little more of that going into the world, and therefore each day is making that difference whether we choose to see it or not.

 

I hope that makes sense - and if there is anything of the workings I have wrong LDN, please let me know! But really getting to understand this stuff now.

 

So onto the day. Doctor day... I really hope you aren't too exhausted man. What the news? If any? And the ear - hopefully you got sorted out. I initially went to my GP for the syringing, but the nurse there proved to be less than useless. She kept saying there was stuff she couldn't shift. So - what...? You just going to leave it in there?! That is when I went to the place close to my flat that I mentioned. Sure it cost me £30, but it got done there and then. Such a relief. I really hope to hear some good news from you as I know this will have been draining for you, and after all the tests and wotnot from last week, you need to have a breather. An early morning is a nightmare as I well know. It just doesn't work with us.

 

Interesting what you said about the sweet tooth in the caveman capacity. Obviously it is not here for others to read which is a shame, but love these little facts.Don't worry about the message being short either - I could only empathise with the situation and would not have blamed you if a few lines only came through! 

 

Speaking of interesting - last night I started to feel a bit uneasy in the stomach department and then this morning it really grabbed me. All day I have had this feeling like... you know... how you described. Why do I feel what you feel man?! This is crazy. It is a little better at the moment, but I hope it settles so I can sleep well. Not quite sure what it is, but I will give it a day or two and then get it looked into. Trying to see the brotherly irony here, but it isn't easy as I am not enjoying the pain. It has been there all day and so difficult to unfocus from it. Hopefully just a bug that I picked up and will dissipate over the next 24 hours - we need to see...

 

Maybe a bit of meditation will help. Time before food so might give that a go. Fortunately there was no derealisation again today, and the anxiety seemed to stem largely from the stomach as one would expect. Only two clients today, so three hours out and about was enough for me. Will eagerly wait to hear back from you brother - really hope all went well for you today.

 

Love you so much man...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

I had to email you again brother! Hopefully I can get these messages across onto here at some point! Love you and God Bless!

[gail]

Did you empty your mail box , that could be the problem!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Have sent you a solution to the above problem if you check your email! And even better, my little West country retreat just got more exciting! Polly (another withdrawal member) is only about an hour's drive from your country pad in the Cotswolds, so I have got it made!! LOL. 

 

I thought you would be exhausted - I mean that is hardly a surprise, and I sincerely hope that you were able to take some time out today. I expect you had something of a walk, but I really wouldn't blame you if it was to the end of the road and back. At present, that would be enough of a challenge. We all need to know where the limits are. It is like Gail's spoons theory - has she told you about that?

 

The whole Lyme thing must get you wound up surely?! You have been so kind to me in empathising with my rubbish to do with the Mental Health team down here, but this is your own issue. To have to correct yourself and think ahead to ensure that it doesn't mess things up... you are clearly not right and to have to play it down is... I don't know. Well, it is degrading and it is severely downplaying the severity of your condition in my eyes. Don't even get me started on the France service compare to ours - you saw how riled up I got writing my reply yesterday!

 

Even better news on the ear as well... and then the rest of the morning. That is out of this world incredible! I had to re-read it to make sure I had it right. It's not only the sheer bravery of doing all that, but the energy that it would have required from you. Clearly you know how well you have done, but man... you have my congrats in spades!! 

 

Good news from me in that my stomach is better. It clicked last night when I had my (much-reduced) K dose, and it cleared up right away. It is a mini-withdrawal. And I do mean mini compared to the likes of Pregabalin and especially Duloxetine. After those, this is a walk in the park. That said, I woke up with a nightmare head which quickly went to a migraine - again, likely withdrawal symptoms. But not a chance I am going to cave. I am not even close to being dependent on this stuff and I don't ever want to let that be an issue. So I had a rough day physically, but I dragged myself out of bed and managed 3 hours of work and 20 minutes in Tesco. I now need to catch up on a bit of study, but will only do as much as I feel my head can get through. Need to pace myself, just like I said to you a moment ago.

 

On that note, I will crack on before the head does decide to take the rest of the night off... Tell me you had a rest man.. and don't worry if it needs to be shorter, I totally understand.

 

So much love your way brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi man sorry email again tonight. Tried 3 different servers and it just says 'saving' and won't post. These short messages seem to work for some reason! 

 

Hi my wonderful Gail, my mail box is fine, it is not full, so don't know what's happening here!! I am praying will all my heart for you Gail! You are so special!

 

Love you both and God bless! 

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I know the error messages you are getting and have got them plenty of times. I do not think there is any way to get round it. It just seems to clear up of its own accord. But just the same, says "saving" and sits there. Very odd that it only happens on some profiles and not others though. There was a time when the site was down and only for me. Having worked in this line before, I can say it is very odd. But the forum software is very out of date and need revisiting, but this is up to Ken when he gets time to do that. I have no problem as he is kind enough to keep things going with the server and hosting company. We'd still all be screwed without him. Thanks Ken!

 

Now I know what you mean about keeping quiet about some things and I don't blame you. But that was a mammoth undertaking there man. One for the records books. I got anxious just reading about it! You are so fortunate to have such a good therapist. There will of course be something about her that you find you can put trust in, and in some ways, it is like going bungee jumping with a paramedic. You are in safe hands at all times!! Regardless of it being psychosomatic and there is little your therapist can do that someone like your mum couldn't do herself, but just having her there makes you feel safe and secure. But this in NO way belittles your achievement. It makes you think though. I sometimes consider what I could do outside of my anxiety if I could turn myself invisible. Would I still have problems? Something that keeps my strange head occupied at times!! LOL

 

I think it is wonderful how you managed not to have any anxiety at all. Amazing. Your system just goes into a mode that requires you to "get the job done". I remember when I woke up to find my car sitting on bricks. Some [enter your own word here] had stolen all 4 of my wheels. So there was insurance to sort out, recovery, new wheels, work to sort. It was incredible. But somehow, I did it. I managed to get into situations that would have given me ridiculous anxiety, but inside I knew I had no choice. It turned out to be one of the best weeks I'd had. Unfortunately I hit the wall (metaphorical) right after - this is why I keep telling you to make sure you take time out. It is so easy to get caught up with all the excitement of success. It is is sort of like those people who go to the midnight in places like Alaska and spend 4 days without sleep feeling great. And then all of a sudden, they are out cold for over a day! You feel invincible!!

 

You will have to excuse my opportunity for making this a shorter one. As you know, I have the 9am slot with the Mental Health team in the morning. Aside from a bit of morning depression, today hasn't been too bad, but I am very worried what tomorrow will do to me. It really messed my head up last weekend and after a busy week, it could easily do the same. Not much I can do - but only one more of these stupid sessions next Friday and it will be over. I will try for an earlier night, but I can't see it happening, and I am not taking anything to help me sleep as it will only cause more issues when trying to wake. Will update you tomorrow - but another huge congrats again for that exposure man. You really are rocketing this progress!!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi brother! Lots of love and prayers from me for tomorrow! I can imagine the stress of the early time so well. If tomorrow you just feel too overwhelmed and too tired by all means have a day off from the forum if you need to. I really will be praying for you brother! Just remember to float not fight. Just let it happen and go with the flow. Your doing so so well man! 

 

Yeah today I just had a massive day off. I've been tired all day and stomach issues as well. The high oxalate makes a lot of sense. If it is forming crystals, that would be very painful. Plus having the two infections as well, so it definitely isn't a surprise I'm having pretty bad pain I think. Speaking to my lyme doctor tomorrow so just will be helpful. I absolutely relate to what you are saying about getting carried away. In the moment you think you can do anything. I did think yesterday why was I so scared of doing that when it went so well! It does really show how distorted our perceptions are by anxiety to the reality of the situation. We can actually take a lot more than we think, it just the anxiety and depression make us think we can't do anything. If you had told me that it would have gone that well, I would have said no chance, just no chance. I didn't think it was necessarily going to go bad, but I did think that it would a challenge and I would face a lot of anxiety. I was sure I would really need to use my toolbox, and yet I didn't. I in fact felt like a child doing something new, that sense of excitement and innocence. Just present and living in the moment. That was so pleasing to me, because that is something I have really tried to cultivate in myself. Living like a kid, apart from the hissy fits and tantrums of course LOL! In Mathew 18 Jesus says we should become 'like little children'. It is something I have been working on for a long time to try and cultivate and so bring that to a major exposure was so pleasing for me. 

 

I literally did nothing today, apart from a 12 minute walk. And you know what was really weird - I was really nervous about leaving the front door! Yesterday I was on the tube and yet today I was scared of leaving the house!! I did make myself do it but it so strange something so much more simple can cause me more anxiety. It why you can't overthink these things and just have to let things be. Now I have done the tube that is a big step, but I don't think for one minute that it will always be that easy. In fact I'm certain I will have some extremely tough moments ahead on tube, but at least I now have evidence I can do it and cope! Was really flat today which is to be expected after two intense days. Definitely as sense of going into a 'focus mode' like you say and just getting through it and then afterwards feeling the effects. It is a bit of an anticlimax though, after breaking boundaries for those two days. It is definitely a skill to learn to adjust to that anticlimax after a good exposure. Something I need to work on!  Tomorrow another day off as well. Apart the phone call with my doctor. 

 

So as I say lots of prayers and love for you tomorrow! So proud of you for facing such an extraordinary difficult situation with such bravery! Make no mistake what you a doing with these morning sessions is just unreal! From some one nocturnal I really understand this situation and must say I am slightly lost for words over how much courage you have in this situation. But thank you for inspiring me so much! You give me so much strength man! I really hope you can see for yourself just how incredibly courageous you are! Really in awe here man! 

 

Again thank you so much for all your help and support and love on this journey we share man! You have helped me in ways I just can't put into words! Since I met you I have come on so much! So again thank you will all my heart brother! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ok so that worked! I still can't copy and paste, I think you had a problem before with that? 

 

So much love and God bless!