Hey man so today I had to only eat certain foods and tomorrow is full fast. It shows how much the diet my doctor has me on is effective, because I feel terrible right now. I guess also I'm used to that diet so having something different will be a shock to my body but still I can't believe what a difference it makes. I feel completely knackered, depressed, and just so weak right now. On the verge of tears. I can barely type! What is going on?? That is scary that I am so reliant on my diet!! Today I was banned from all fruit and veg, which is big part of my diet. But I still eat some eggs, fish and potatoes, so why am I like this? Sorry brother but this is a real struggle right now! Heavy breathing and scared. Amazing one day without my diet can lead to this? I guess one, fruit an veg obviously make a massive difference and two, my body just can't cope without them as it has had them everyday for so long. I guess I am in a way addicted to them. I can barely function right now! Now I have tomorrow with just soup. Plus one early meal. At least I can have vegetable stock.
So I will do my best but having some serious reaction right now - a feel like I am about to pass out and also feel like I am almost paralysed with weakness.
Absolutely that makes sense man. Very good point! Never thought I would be yearning to go there in the winter. Luckily I might just go down a week later, but will be with my mum mostly. Just miss the cat man! Massive well done for dealing with your situation so constructively. Really great you are can look at things in such a way. It's a blessing in disguise as you say!
Ok man just a heads up sorry if this isn't my best post. I really have no idea what is going on right now, but I have never felt this weak writing to you. I am very light headed as well.
Sorry about your day, I'm really sorry to hear that. Your so brave and it's tough to hear what your facing man. Yesterday was a sign of what is to come, it shows you are capable to having a good morning. But getting through this stage must be so tough. I totally get that cycle of worry. I have been there myself. Obviously my advice wont be the best considering the state I'm in right now LOL!! But you seem to making really good progress with the meditation. You said you had a good hour the other night which was so exciting for me to hear! The more you meditate the more easy it will become to be mindful and meditate in other situations. Like with me, where I meditate if I can't sleep or in the car or walking. Lying in bed is I find a great place to meditate and I also read this in one of my books. If I can't sleep I just meditate and so I actually enjoy it, just lying there in bed. If you could sort of bring this to your mornings that might help. Just use your head fog or fatigue as a tool for your meditation. Focus on the fact it only your shell that in discomfort. The more you meditate the more you can distance yourself from what you are feeling. It's almost like you go outside yourself and look at yourself as you would just look at another person. I know that might sound crazy but I have done that through meditation. You see your symptoms but they aren't you, they are just there, affecting your body but not you. You don't have to follow the narratives that the sensations trigger in your brain. The good thing about meditation is you can always do it. Some times you might feel great or have some wise insight that comes from it, others it might be average. But the purpose is the long term. All the teachers I have read says there is no such thing as a 'good' or 'bad' meditator. Even if it feels hard to do at a certain point, it is all helpful in the long term. I think the big thing for me as well was to realise that doing nothing isn't a bad thing. In India it is a way of life, the most respected occupation the country. The are called Sadhus. They have no possessions and just wander homeless or live in caves. Of course I'm not suggesting anything so extreme, but maybe you think about having acceptance of not always having to do stuff. Obviously your older than me, so you are more conditioned in the western structure of life. But you have been in the west country as you have told me and seen how they do things at a much slower pace. Plus that is somewhere you really like. In eastern religion the focus is much more on the interior life and so much doing things physically. So from my perspective you are learning all the time. These days at home must be torture for you man and it hurts to read, but I don't think they are wasted days. I think in the long run you will learn a lot from them and having to deal with such a challenging situation will help you grow as a person. I'm sure this is part of the plan for you. I realise everybody is different brother, but I have spend literally years in isolation and learned to embrace it, so what I'm trying to say is that it isn't an automatic negative. I'm pretty weird I accept that and I wouldn't push anybody to the extremes of how I have lived at all, but I have learned so much from it. In most religious or spiritual books they come back to this idea of stillness and quiet being so important to the realisation that we are spirit. If we are 24/7 we can't step back and see the bigger picture, we can't see this world for what it is but think it is everything.
Sorry for that long paragraph brother, but I just really want to help in anyway I can. I have lived a life of isolation for so many years so I can relate so much and I just want to use my experience to help if I can. I had 7 1/2 years of isolation and now I am coming out of it, and just really want you know that you are not alone. I might not be able to help, but please ask me anything you want. Also man this took me a long time to come up with the tools and you are doing so well. I can just relate a lot to your situation, especially the frustration of the fatigue. Now of course your fatigue is different to mine and hopefully will move on very soon, but if I found tools to help then you definitely can as well.
Had another walk for 26 minutes today, went down to the river again. Was a bit more tired but that was to be expected after yesterday. Yeah yesterday I had no intention of doing that, I didn't even know where I was going when I left. I thought 'let's go down to the river and see what happens'. I was in a very mindful mind set, so wasn't even thinking about time, just being totally present. I just let off the shackles basically. Felt unbelievably liberating. First time I checked the time it was 25 minutes in and I had no idea what time had gone. I was just in the zone if you like, but in a mindful way. Like a dream. I felt very floaty. As I say I enjoyed it so much, and that was in the context of feeling so flat and empty all week - so it felt extra good. I didn't even need to sit actually. Just a very steady rhythm. I wouldn't have risked it had I not had such a flat week and in particular such a bad morning, that made me feel 'what have I got to lose?'. So it was a real example of turning a positive into a negative. Even though it was a big physical achievement I wasn't actually thinking of that at all, only when I got home. As I say that wasn't my intention. I felt it was more an achievement mentally. To bring such a mindful approach to such a pressure situation was another nice breakthrough mentally. This is why I talk about the mind stuff man, simply because it has helped me so much. Things I never ever thought I could do, I now can and that is partly down to this mind work and slowly changing how I mentally approach life. Still feels surreal actually, can't believe I did it. Often exposures are anti-climatic, but this was the opposite, I'm not sure why that is. That took me 8 years to get there! I'm pretty emotional thinking about like that - and it shows never, never give up!!! I am proof of that!!! This is why I am so positive and excited for your future brother!!
Yeah one of the monks could astral project at my monastery!
Ok sorry for that brother. Got lost a bit. I didn't know what to do with my evening, so it was a real help to just talk tonight! Again it has helped me so, SO MUCH to be able to talk to you! I wish you could know how grateful I am! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening!! You such an amazing guy man and I'm not sure why I got so lucky to meet you!
I will be praying and I am always here for you!! You are doing so so well man! Inspiring me so much!!
Love you so much brother