2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Evening brother... and all!!

 

Well, I will first say how amazed I was when three of you guys got in touch with me to tell me when LDN and I were going to come back!! I really didn't realise we had such a readership - so my apologies. We were PM'ing for a few days. Not sure why, but just didn't realise - but we are back again!!

 

So yes... my car is back safely with me, and whilst I may have been feeling a little low today, just seeing it parked outside gives me the joy that I need. There is so much blood sweat and tears gone into making it the amazing machine that it is today. I know it sounds childish, but there was a Chevrolet V8 trying to pull away from me going up a hill and it couldn't manage it!!! LOL. Makes me very proud when something like that happens, but I guess you have to be into cars!!

 

I am really sorry to hear about your depression, but the fact that you said you considered to have handled it well, then this is a good thing. It means you are thinking along the right lines. I sort of understand what you mean when you say you can't be bothered to be worried. It is kind of like you know you have been there before, so "just get on with it" sort of thing. Get it over with if you are going to make me depressed. This is almost what I was thinking this morning. I would love to get further into this mindset. The more you can look upon it like that the better it will be.

 

Besides, yes, you are under orders to rest, and if that is what you must do then this should be done! Your batteries are low... yes. It is a double-edged sword. You want to get out and face the world with your meditation and your walking, but you simply cannot without putting yet more pressure on yourself. This is a situation I found myself in from the point of Dulox withdrawal, and all through most of this year. Nothing compared to your 8 years courtesy of the Lymes, but I can surely empathise. 

 

Your post lengths are just fine man, but as we are always saying to each other, it doesn't matter if some evenings are too much than others. We understand much more than that about each other! My head has been better today, but has just come back to quite nasty pain about 20 minutes ago. Wondering if it was the bath that did it. I have been fine all day. There has been a very mild dull ache in the background, but I found myself forgetting about it most of the day, but now it is a lot more pain. But overall, the time spent in the pain is reducing. Just hope it carries on as it is very difficult to study - and in fact, I haven't done any since last Friday and this is not good! I have deadlines! More stress - hurranh - just what I need!!! LOL

 

Speaking of the garage, when I was there and was waiting for someone to see me to come into the reception area, I felt a bit of anxiety, but immediately, I started telling myself "ok... so what are you going to do about the anxiety? You can't go anywhere... and you know that nothing horrendous will happen, so just let it be". It was a bit of a moment. I felt uncomfortable because there were all these thoughts like what if they haven't fitted something properly, what if I breakdown again on the way home. It lasted a few seconds, so was a good thing after all. Then it is how you judge yourself after it happened. I am still needing more time with this - the whole self compassion part. 

 

I really think you need to focus on this peace that you speak of beyond the shell. I am sure there is so much more to tap into there. You will be there a lot quicker than me, but then you can help me get there! I think because I have more stimuli from work, study and other people that it can keep me too fixed to the physical, but one benefit you can have from your situation is that you can explore this without the extraneous input and distraction from everyone else influencing you. So please, keep me updated on what you find...

 

Oh, and speaking of experimenting, my clips finally arrived for the TENS machine. They had to come from China, so the Ebay estimated time was out by a long way! So I will be having a play with this at some point. Obviously not wishing for depression to return!! But just interested. In fact people use it to keep depression at bay - a preventative rather than a cure. I will need to read up again... I will let you know how I get on...

 

Hope you have had a good day man - will be waiting for your message

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man very tired tonight. Really happy to hear about your pain still being better! I am still in excitement from yesterdays message to be fair!! Unbelievable! I am still buzzing about that! I hope you took on board what i was saying about being proud of yourself and realising how incredible your achievements are!! 

 

Did you have therapy today? I had therapy which went well. My therapist is still very much pushing me to get a dog! I mentioned the points you made to me about cats and she agreed with them, but she likes the social factor of me going to puppy kindergarden. I want to try and spend less time seeing doctors and doing different social stuff, this is something she has been keen to push as well. In the country I had no doctors for 5 weeks, apart 2 skypes with my therapist and that obviously went really well. I need to find a better balance. Apparently greyhounds are very lazy and having seen my aunts lurcher, which is only half greyhound, he was very chilled out! Weird since they can get up to 45 mph that they don't need much exercise and just sleep all day but that is what I read to be fair. Still very up in the air between the two. 

 

Managed 21 minutes outside in the garden which was crazy. I have no idea how I did that in my state. Absolutely blew me away that I could last that long. Also did 9 minutes out front, some young girls called me over to help a blind man who was lost. That was lovely to help and also so rare to have some human conversation outside in a London street!!! He had his lovely golden labrador with him. I gave him directions so I hope he was ok! I said a prayer for him straight after. So brave to go out being blind, so impressive! Such a great example. The girls called me over because I think they were struggling but it was nice they wanted to help him so much! 

 

I am reading a Hindu sages book from 1890s right now and he talks a lot about the distinction between material body and spirit. Really seems to be his key message to move beyond the material body. He said that people thinking the material world is all there is, is the biggest problem. A similar theme whatever religion I have studied in mysticism is the peace beyond the shell. I think you are right in that it is easier for me to work on this, because it is definitely something that requires a lot of work.  Also solitude is my normal for the last 8 years so it something i am very adjusted to. Saying that the house is pretty busy with both my brother and sister living at home. I have the evenings to myself but will normally have one or both around in the day. They are both early to mid twenties but the housing market is mental in London. 

 

I forgot to answer about my dad but yes he goes down every weekend to Somerset and considers himself more country! Way prefers it, but has to be in London for work. Gardening and his vegetables is his passion! 

 

Man that sounds great that mental work waiting in the garage - well done!! You seem to be apply these things so well at the moment! 

 

Hope tomorrow goes well man! Again massive congrats for such a sensational day yesterday!! Make me so happy to read it!! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Great to hear you managed 30 minutes out and about - well done man! And to have approach the strangers and offer support was a real act of selflessness and kindness, given what you - and many others - could have done. Truly some good stuff there... and it is nice to know that after the wife getting her bag stolen in a small place on the south coast that there are still kind-hearted people in the big city. 

 

I had to cancel my therapy this week, I was too concerned about not functioning in the mornings with the way my head has been. I really didn't want to cancel - the last thing I wanted to do believe me. I think it is wonderful all this talk about cats and dogs and your therapist made a good point about the social interaction that can come with a dog - but it all depends on what you want from the pet. I still stand by my judgement on the affection between cats and dogs. Cats just seem to be there for you because it is in their nature, but they have their own agenda all the same. With a dog, it just seems a bit false, in that they think.. "well this guy is my food supply, my source for walking, so I gotta do his every bidding" LOL. A cat is more "I know he will feed me... I mean, what would he do without me?". You throw a ball - a dog runs and brings it back... a cat would be "you threw it... if you want it, you go and get it. If you wanted it so badly, why did you throw it away in the first place?!"

 

I had a bit of trouble this morning. I got myself into a bit of a mini panic. My pain got worse soon after I finished writing to you. I managed to sleep alight, but I woke up and there was still about 50% of the pain. It got me down straight away and then I started thinking, this is day 7 with head pains... I am stuck with this forever. I was so scared. I took 10mg valium which helped a bit and got me out as far as my first client. It then seemed to calm down between 2pm-10pm. Then it started up again, and I am back in pain again. I just don't understand what is going on. It stops me doing things I want to do because my attention is always fixed on it. I have resigned to the fact that it is nothing serious as the pain keeps changing and moving. Anything serious it would be in one place and I would have vision problems, weakness or dizziness etc. Earlier it was like an iron band across my forehead, then it was all at the back of my head, now my temples are throbbing. It is really messing with my anxiety and I just want some relief. Sorry for the rant, but like you say, we need to say how we feel.

 

I think it is great for your dad to disappear to the country each weekend. This is such a lovely way of life to see the contrast between the city and the country. As I said, this is my dream. I have already decided that I will retire down to the south. No doubt I will still work - as people in my line rarely do stop because it is such a passion. But to be surrounded by Old England is just wonderful. To be so close to prehistoric coastlines... Have you even visited Cheddar Gorge? It is like a film set from Jurassic Park! When I was last there, I managed the big walk around the top, which is a huge undertaking I can tell you. But the view from the top is incredible. I felt like I had gone back millions of years in time. There is no building in sight, just stone, greenery and the sea.

 

I am a little excited about tomorrow, so I hope my head doesn't ruin the plan. My dash will be arriving and I will have my little computery panel working again... for the first time in about 3 years! The first year it was just on its way out, but the last 2 years I have been too scared to do the work - so this is a landmark for me. And ever time I drive the car, I will look at this computer panel and think to myself... I did that. It didn't scare me. I want to be proud each time I see that, and make a point of it. Just hope I have the energy to fit it. Will be about a 45 minute job, but I need to be careful of my neck - I don't want to make matters worse. But I can't drive until I have done the job, so I just need to be wary of what I am doing.

 

And Hindu stuff now... This is good stuff - you are really reaching out. I would love to have more time to read this stuff. I am even a bit behind on my Buddhism reading I must admit. But getting the difference between the body and spirit is a big thing. I am convinced there is so much more that we can achieve whilst "down here". I can also understand that with your whole family that there can be moments when you need more solitude, but that is why we are nocturnal I guess. One of my clients is a doctor and I said to her about delayed sleep phase disorder and she had never heard of it! Neither had my GP when I mentioned it... It is a genuine condition dammit! 

 

Goodness, that is a bit of a long post for you man. It is therapeutic to write here, and I am propped up with my pillow behind my neck and not moving which is keeping me comfortable! Anyway - will look forward to hearing from you later...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man write as much as you want, some of my posts have been massively long!! I love to read you, so write as much as you want brother!! It is a pleasure to read it!! 

 

I have got a headache and tiredness tonight. Even looking at capital letters make my head hurt, how weird is that?? So unfortunately won't be my longest post today. Woke up when at 5 and of course it was very dark by then, which I hate! But I needed a longer sleep after the therapy yesterday and the walks! I really don't enjoy these days of waking up when dark and then going back to sleep again soon but I need the rest so I don't have much choice. 

 

One good thing happened though which was I had a romantic dream about guess who? My cat LOL!! It was so euphoric, woke feeling so great!! She had come to visit me in London. I was in the garden and I saw her come out of the back door, it was like seeing a long lost lover LOL!! I got so excited and started stroking her!! Just thinking about the dream is making my feel good! And it is not the first time I have dreamed about her as well! That was a beautiful dream!! 

 

I think I get what your saying in that with a cat you have to work for their affection and they a very independent, so if you get close it feels really special. Whereas dogs are mostly very friendly with everyone so you don't have to work for it. If you get a cat to like you it a sense of achievement. But the social factor of going puppy kindergarden is a big thing, because it would something new and good exposure. Also I can take it to and from the country. Still can't believe you had 6 on your bed LOL! On one hand I would be in heaven but equally i would get nothing done as I would cuddle with all of them!! 

 

Really sorry to hear about your head issues, but remember what you achieved 2 days ago! Collecting your car! 30 mins there and back and 20 mins there! Sending off the dash! Tesco! Clients! Out for about 5 hours I think!! That was a elite day!! One for the record books considering your weekend!!! 

 

You had a huge amount of stress with your car and that was going to manifest itself somehow. As you say if the pain is moving around then it won't be too serious. Really hurts to read you in such discomfort brother. But remember your reaction is really important here. Look what you achieved 2 days ago!! Also massive congrats for seeing clients!! As I said before it's in moments like this to focus on the bigger picture and the plan. This is part of the plan for you. It has been sent for a reason. Also you could even turn this into a chance to work with pain through mindfulness and meditation. When we have strong sensations like pain or anxiety is a great opportunity to meditate, as we have this strong focus. Just observe what is happening and what you are feeling. This could really help you focus on how the physical isn't you, it is your shell. I know these things are tough but i has helped me. 

 

Also anybody would be stressing in your position, so remember you are just reacting normally and remember the self compassion. This is a horrible thing to go through and anybody would feel the same. But all we can do is focus on what we can control and let it be, what we can't. You are putting in the effort and that is all you can do. In the long run this approach will give you great joy man, but obvious in the short term having these moments are really nasty. If is impossible for us to predict the future, so as much as we can it is best to be present. Now i know that is tough with the pain, but running from the pain isn't an option so as we can do is be here and now. 

 

Still you are in a hugely tough position right now and I think you are handling superbly!! To be honest I think you are very calm in the circumstances, most people would be much more stressed. 

 

I driven near cheddar gorge a few times and my family went in the summer, but I know the dorset coast well from childhood! The Jurassic coast!! Stunning!! Dartmoor is amazing as well, my dad loves it and so we have gone a lot!! Like out of Lord of the Rings!! Just miles of wilderness!! 

 

Excited for you tomorrow brother!! I am praying for you!

 

I wouldn't mind another cat dream tonight LOL!! 

 

Love you so much brother!

 

God bless

[gail]

Great post London, if I could have the strength to live by it!

[invalidusername]

Great post London, if I could have the strength to live by it!

 

You can... and you will my sweet. Much like your other musketeers, you are housed in this earthly shell which tries to contain our spirit, but it can't. Your physical energy might not be all there, but your spiritual energy knows no bounds!!

 

Much love from your Scrattage

[invalidusername]

Evening brother...

 

Wow - what a day. It feels like it has been non-stop. Well - since 3.30pm it pretty much has been. Not quite how I would have wanted it, but this is how it had to be...

 

Capital letters? Strange one. Maybe the visual significance of them being something that instills an element of required attention in you. Whilst you might not be thinking it, this association is ingrained in your conscious so can go off on its own tangent all the same whether you want it to or not!!

 

I was so happy to read about your dream man! Now I know you cannot take a cat down to the country, but they are fine on their own. You will have your over lover when you visit the country home, and the time apart from lover number 2 will do you both good! Just imagine the look on his/her furry face when you come back after a week. They won't mind you having a furry affair either! LOL. I have occasionally seen some of my cats who have passed on in my dreams, and they often form a part of my meditation when I am visiting my spiritual home. I know you will end up with whatever you feel is best, but I am a cat person through and through, so I am going to be biased. But as you know, I did have my tibetan terrier which was lovely. I let her fur grow as they would have done in Tibet, but I had to put her fringe up in a pony tail so she wouldn't bump into things - as you can see;

 

https://www.pets4hom...00671b7cb35.jpg

 

So I woke again with pain again. Less anxiety and more being so fed up. I was almost crying. I just couldn't stand it any more. You'd think that after 2 years of mental health I could handle more than a week, but it is more of a case that I was just turning a corner, and then this shows up and ruins everything. This is what was going through my head. I had been given the chance to really get somewhere, and I just felt this was going to ruin it. However, that said, the pain did actually leave - for the first time in 7 days!! Around 3pm it was almost gone, but I held little hope, but it stayed that way for 6 hours! I got through 4 hours worth of clients, then re-fitted my dash in stupidly cold weather, then hit major traffic on way home courtesy of accident on motorway, so what was only meant to be a minutes drive off the slip road to Tesco turned into a 15 minute diversion off the next exit. So by the time I got home around half 9, it was back. Not surprising, but I am very glad that I know it is possible for it to stop. I just hope this is a sign of things to come...

 

I know it is a case of observing as much as I can rather than getting caught up in it all, but it is my health anxiety rearing its ugly head again. I though I had got passed it all, but then again, as you say, anyone else who had a headache and weird eye stuff for a week would be worried and stressed and anxious. So, I am trying to let myself have a break from feeling this way. A few months ago I would have been a lot worse a lot sooner. I wouldn't have lasted a week before finally freaking out. It would have been a consistent 24/7 freak out. So there is something to be positive from this. But again, I worry to lose the positivity that I have build up over the last 4 weeks so this. I am hanging in there at the moment, but it has been more difficult this week.

 

Anyway. I need to cut off here and let my brain have some time out. Only had lunch at 9.30 so dinner will probably be closer to 2am now! I know it is crazy to hear, but at least I know you understand!! Just out of interest, do you have meal times the same as me??

 

Hoping you get more feline enlightenment this evening!!

 

Much love my dear brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man yeah I eat similar to you!! If it is a day off lunch around 8 30 and supper about 1. To be fair I don't have breakfast so I have this massive gap between 1am and 8 30pm the next day with no food. Apparently it is really good for you to be like this, they call it intermittent fasting. In my vagus nerve book the guy suggested eating only within a 6 to 8 hour period of the day. For me it is only 4 hours!!! My body is just used to it so I never get hungry only before my supper! 

 

So happy to hear the pain went!! Brilliant!! I know it is so much easier from the outside but I felt confident for you even before I heard the news tonight!! Sorry about your morning though! That sounds really unpleasant. I can totally understand the frustration and disappointment. But I am in the same position, I had a good 6 months and now it has been a rough 5 weeks!! I know I always say it - but why worry over something you can't control? It is not logical. In what we can control we try our best, which you certainly are!! But what we can't then it is what it is - the more free we can feel and less stressed then the quicker we can recover. The stress will only just hinder our time of rest. But trust be me brother this took me years to learn!!! It is so tough!! We come back from these dips stronger and having learned things. It is almost a humbling experience, for us to remember the bigger picture and that we are here to learn and grow. 

 

I am again tired today and got a headache, but feel fairly at peace. I am not going to abandon what gave me a good 6 months. I was reading this Catholic monk called Thomas Merton last night and he was talking about how people are drugged by entertainment and work and can never taken time to breathe and take it in. I really thought to myself I am so happy am not in stuck in that cycle. This was stuff written in the 60s and think how much worse it is nowadays!! I was struck by it and it all make sense but it was scary in a way too and i just felt relieved I have my peace! I have been forced to life like this but it is actually how throughout most of history people have lived and it is only in the last 50 years with the crazy advancements of technology that we have lost that simplicity to life and now everything is instant gratification. 

 

So the dash came!! Fantastic! And well done for 4 hours worth of clients!! I think you have handled this tough last 7 days so well man and remember to have that self compassion. I hope you are proud of yourself!! 

 

BTW I can't remember my dream from last night! But still feel positive energy from the one before!! 

 

I hope you have a nice day tomorrow brother! I will keep praying!! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God bless

[LDN]

Thanks so much Gail for those kind words!! 

 

You are beacon of light and LOVE to me!!! 

 

I learn and grow so much from you!! 

 

You have such a beautiful soul!! So beautiful!! 

 

You are so special!! 

 

I love you Gail!!

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Interesting about the intermittent fasting - never heard of it, but I will have a look. How strange that you don't have breakfast because I can't eat breakfast for at least a good 3 hours, which is usually just before work. I can eat it if I have to be up and out the door, but it is not very comfortable to do so. So eating within this 6-8 hours is meant to be good for what according to this vagus guy? Mood, energy.. or everything?

 

Slightly different day today. I had to get up early to drop my friends car back and get a lift back to my parents to get my car back, which after my parents decided to collect something from church and get fuel, took almost an hour. The good news was, I hardly had any head pain, but shortly after being out, I had some depression hit. It was like the whole world seemed dismal. I would look at streets and think how horrible they were, then at people and think how miserable they looked. Everything just bought me down. I just had that feeling that I wanted to go home and lock the world away. I think it is because my brain has caught up with everything. Car is finished, pains are better, so it has gone back to its old habits. But I have been struggling a fair bit for 2 weeks and maybe it just needs to let go... 

 

But it did even out after I got to my usual Saturday trip to my friends. It became more like an annoying memory. I am still feeling a bit uneasy and fragile for the next few days, but will just have to see...

 

Speaking of being at my friends - you remember me mentioning their cat who doesn't go near ANY visitors - and sometimes not even members of the family! But I got the same reaction as I always do when I got there today - straight up on my lap and wanted a fuss - as you can see... took a photo for you!

 

https://ibb.co/G7H9mVH

 

Strange that you have my headaches now... but good that you are at peace. It is great how you so strongly face this stuff and not let the last good 6 months stop you seeing the benefits. And I am right with you on this whole instant gratification thing - that is so true. I am sure I was born 50 years too late - or maybe more. I use technology because I have to, but much like you, I stuck out with a normal mobile phone... but earlier in the year gave in to a smartphone, but by which time everyone else had one years ago. I don't do eBooks, I need paper. If I had a record player still and the funds to buy vinyl, I would do this in place of digital music. 

 

Thanks for your encouraging words about the last few days man. I did need to dwell on them earlier today and I am really trying not to let the lows of today scare me. After 5 good weeks, it is a long way to fall down. I really need to focus on what I did to get where I was. Doing things regardless. The thing is, the last 2 weeks have just been on autopilot. I have almost got to the point of not worrying about the next day - apart from the headaches. But this has been my focus. I wake up and it is thinking about the car, or the head... depression didn't get a chance to take hold. But now there is neither of those to concern myself about, it needs to find something else, so it is going to try and get me with the depression again. I really don't want that....

 

Sorry - trying to stay positive! 

 

Anyway - might get some meditation in to clear the head of some of this stuff before dinner. You didn't say much about your day yesterday, so you will have to fill me in on how you have been over the last 48 hours. As always - look forward to hearing from you...

 

Love you dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man literally did nothing at all so had nothing to mention LOL! Same today, slept about 13 hours 20 mins and when you are sleeping that much you don't really have time for much! I sleep so deep - today my metal alarm on the floor was going off for 1 hour and 25 minutes before I eventually got up and turned it off!!! I slept for an hour and 25 mins through that loud old alarm!!! LOL!! If I didn't have an alarm I would sleep all day LOL!! 

 

Woke up again when it was dark thanks to the long sleep, which isn't too nice but I need the sleep! What I will say is I am feeling very tired but very flat and empty and sort of apathetic. I have no excitement and no energy for anything and no vitality. I used to really enjoy resting because it gave me an excuse to stay at home and so I didn't feel bad about my social anxiety. But it is frustrating now. But saying that I'm still happy doing this, with the all the fruits it brings than being in the rat race. I mean all this time I am reading, thinking, being mindful, I'm growing spiritually and intellectually. So it may be at bit flat but the work I'm putting in is going to do me the world of good. However well physically I get I will want time to read and to meditate and to think. 

 

I really understand what you are saying about not having the distraction of the car means you now are more with your thoughts. I really recognise that feeling. I struggled for years to come to terms with just being at peace with my thought and not being scared of my mind! It was tough journey! But I got there and you will to, if I can do it!! You just have to accept that it takes time and learn to always accept and not run from the thoughts. Thoughts don't do anything it is the reaction to the thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts. I can see you get anxious being alone with your mind and this was just like me. We can change how we react and how our brains work with meditation and mindfulness. I know you have said you were a workaholic before and so this must be doubly tough for you! It was the same for me - I worked so hard the last year at school, basically had to do a 2 year program in 1 year and then when it was over I fell apart mentally. Without the framework of work, I couldn't cope. But ultimately stillness is our natural state and we can get back to being comfortable in this state. You have picked up so many tools so quickly man and so I am so excited for you! Once you can just get to that point where you feel free and at peace just being with your thoughts and having nothing to do, that will make a huge difference. But you are doing brilliantly as I say and you are picking this stuff up much quicker than I did, much much quicker!! 

 

Ah man thanks for that picture!!! What an adorable guy/girl!! You can see the sensitivity in it's face!! So nice she can feel your love and feel safe with you!! Just goes to show the positive energy you give off!! Also I remember you telling me about your parents cat suddenly looking as if someone is their but nothing is there. My cat does that. I remember once she was hyper alert suddenly out of the blue in the middle of night and it was completely quite! She was in the position she gets when is about to pounce! She was just staring with such intensity at the door and nothing was there. Her ear were pricked up. It was fascinating!! Cat are seriously on some next level!! That what is so cool about them, is that they so spiritual attuned. In my dream the other night it felt so real, I felt so much love from her!! Thinking back to the summer I was in floods of tears when saying goodbye to her just before leaving!! It is amazing how much emotion you can get with animals, especially for me considering I wasn't an animal person for most of my life. Becoming more spiritual made me more sensitive to their energy and now I am obsessed. It was just amazing when she would lie with me and put her head on my chest and just stare straight into my eyes for ages!! It is a magical moment! Getting me emotional here right now thinking about it brother!!! Also what heaven you must have been with those 6 cats you lived with!! I was thinking about it earlier and it must have been amazing! Having those 6 cats all on the bed!! Did they all get along?? I guess if they all slept together!! 

 

Sorry about your depression brother, but I know that feeling so so well, looking at the world and everybody in the rat race, on their phones, looking miserable, in their bubbles. But it is all in our perception. When we are in a good state of mind we will notice the beautiful things in the world, but when in a depression we see the dark stuff. Really happy to hear about the pain being better as well brother!! 

 

I will be praying! Thanks again for that photo!!

 

Love you so much brother!

 

God bless

[gail]

Squirrel, what a beautiful cat. I want it. And why you and no body else? You must smell the female cat!!!¡Lovage my lovely Scrat.

[invalidusername]

Squirrel, what a beautiful cat. I want it. And why you and no body else? You must smell the female cat!!!¡Lovage my lovely Scrat.

 

I find that cats almost always come to me. Maybe they can sense something and know I am not a threat and that I just want to fuss them! I am also the only one that he licks!! I must taste nice!! LOL

 

Much lovage my dear

[fishinghat]

Anyone want to know what I think of cats? No I didn't think so... lol

[invalidusername]

....and this is why cats have a sixth sense

[fishinghat]

Did you mean sixth or sick? lol

[invalidusername]

Did you mean sixth or sick? lol

 

cats = sixth sense

hat = sick sense

 

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Fair enough if there was not much to mention! Its good that you are able to sleep so well and cut out all the sounds around you. I can for the most part having been nocturnal and living close to the centre of town and next to a building site for the last year! I expect you have a bit of a drone of traffic noise as well and a lot of car horns going off being in London? I have a busy hotel right opposite me which takes deliveries at all hours and they make such a racket! But you put up with it...

 

It is with a heavy heart that I bring something different from my usual news. I had some very heavy anxious dreams last night. I was dragged off to a massive garden party against my will and forced to mingle with hundreds of people and my dream was all about how much I wanted to run away from it all. I woke not being able to shift the feeling and utterly paranoid. I gave it half hour but it was just getting worse, so I took a valium and that didn't work. In the end I had to take a dose of Kratom as I was starting to shake all over. This caused me to chill out but I have been fragile all day. My landlady came in and started banging on about building repairs for half an hour which didn't do me much good. I have not left the flat all day. The wife has had an equally bad day and has been crying on and off. It has been really tough brother. 

 

Part of me has been saying that anyone who went through what I did is likely to have the same reaction - especially on a lazy Sunday when there is nothing to do. My system has just caught up. But again, it is all stress based, although it was anxiety that tipped it off, I felt very stressed... like it was all the stress that I had been holding off over the last 2 weeks came at me all at once now I have let my guard down. 

 

This is the point where I need to dig deep and get my tools working - but I am already sitting here getting scared about tomorrow morning when I wake. Fortunately I do not have any appointments. Not sure if that is a good thing or not though. Maybe I need the extra time off? 

 

It wasn't being alone with my thoughts as I was able to get on with stuff once the initial shock was over. I have done study, plated games and wow has it been a busy day on the forum. But when I woke it was right there. I didn't have time for any thoughts, I just "was". It was all feelings, but I had no reason for those feelings to be there. Why was I stressed? There is nothing to be stressed about? Why anxious? I have done countless exposures lately and I didn't feel like I couldn't go out or to the shop, it was just this raw, relentless collaboration of negative feelings hijacking me. Does that make sense?

 

Again, I think it is wonderful how you have used your time of solitude to grow spiritually. I can't think how few people would do this... such a small amount I would bet. Even those that are spiritual to begin with. Some often lose faith of course which is the worse thing that can happen. There was plenty of prayer going on when I woke up. I accepted that what was happening may be part of my plan, but asked for help to realise my purpose and for the strength to implement it if that was the case... knowing it is His will and not ours. Remembering that we are often blind-sighted to what we think we know is best for our spiritual development.

 

Sorry for the rant, but whilst it wasn't exactly unexpected, the force by which it came at me WAS unexpected. I had hoped for a bit more warning! 

 

Glad you liked the photo. It is a him and yes, in the photo was looking directly into my eyes! And yes, I have seen many a cat look at things not there and are on another level... which... don't like to say it... dogs are not!! You see, you get emotional so much about thinking of the cat... but my apologies, I said I wouldn't influence your decision! 

 

When I had the 6 cats, yes, they all did get along. One of them, a run-of-the-mill long haired moggy tend to be a bit solitary - maybe a bit of an outcast, but he didn't get bothered by it at all. I always thought of him as Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights as the stable hand with his pride despite being of a lower class upbringing - don't know if you have read it at all? But the other five were of more "noble" breeding - a scottish fold, russian blues and rag dolls. He was just a mog. Nothing more. Bless him!

 

Right. I am all typed out and feel I should put some meditation time in to try and calm down a bit. Again, apologies for the rant earlier, but it really is a shock. But I will try my best to see this as what it is. A normal reaction to having put myself through a lot of unavoidable stress. I did what I had to, and didn't overstretch myself. I could not have done anything to better the situation, so am trying my best not to blame myself either...

 

I already know you will have the right words of support which is why I am so very grateful to be here writing to you.... It means so much.

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[fishinghat]

A great many people would agree that I have a sick attitude!!!

[frog]

Aw I love the love for cats on this thread. We have 2 girls: Byzantine (Byz/Byzie) and.. Frog as in my forum name. Frog's the trouble maker. Never a dull moment with that one. She makes up for it by being sweet and cuddly when she's not destroying everything. I'm definitely a cat person myself (though I love other people's dogs very much and I love seeing dogs while I'm out) but dogs really do provide so much opportunity for socializing if that's something you need, that cats just cannot. Plus even when you're out and about you have your buddy by your side! Agree that dog emotions sometimes seem... 'fake' for lack of a better word, but at the same time dogs are hyper aware of human emotions and can differentiate them quite well!

 

I think greyhounds are a great choice! They are truly lazy lazy dogs and love to lounge on the couch all day long. They also have very sweet demeanors and I don't know about the UK but here in the US there are tons of retired racing greyhounds now that are in need of homes

[LDN]

Hey frog!! Thank so much for that info!! I am so torn at the moment between what to choose! I have read so many people talking about how dogs have changed their life. How that you start talking to people much more when you are out and it also means you always have a motivation for going out of the house. I have read that they can predict epileptic fits, which is just incredible!! Also I love how they help the blind. Because of my lyme disease my energy is very low and also very variable, so if I did get a dog I want basically the laziest one LOL!! So I looked this up and the greyhound kept coming up. I have read like you say they have sweet nature. Also they are hypoallergenic, which is good. My mum doesn't like dogs that lick a lot and ones that shred a lot of hair, so rules out quite a lot!! 

 

Saying that as you will have seen I am obsessed with my cat in the country. She is very feral though, which I as I live in a city, I don't think city cats are like that. Frog and Byzantine- great names!! I do love cats and in the end will probably get a dog and a cat, but it is what I get first! 

 

Thanks again for that info!!

[LDN]

Hey brother! Firstly I won't be at my best tonight as super weak! Getting me down a bit to honest feeling so weak 24/7 for weeks on end, but i know I am still a way off getting better so it isn't surprising. Breathless, headache, legs hurting, legs feeling like they will collapse on me, every little thing an effort. Having my shower physically was tough today but I managed it! Then I had to shave and it was like climbing a mountain! I have to patient, be present, be still, and not forget the bigger picture. 

 

So sorry to hear about your day and waking up like that. That sounds horrific and it hurts to hear. I think you did well, in fact very well by the sounds of it, to do some study and then all the help on the forum!!! Also I agree that is a good thing that you can rest tomorrow. I know resting isn't much fun, but we need to do it. The good thing is that if the rest was great and the exposures awful then we would never go out - so I think it is better the way we have it with the rest being tough but exposures going well!! As I said I used to really enjoy the rest a few years back and so I just wouldn't go out, why did I need to? I was happy to just sleep and follow the doctors orders, which were to rest. But then of course it becomes more and more scary going out and you end up like I did with severe social anxiety. 

 

I absolutely agree that most people would be in the same position after the last 2 weeks of stress, in fact I would most people would more anxious and stressed than you are!! You have incredible mental strength and huge bravery and courage - to a scale I have basically never seen! 

 

But it completely makes sense that after these hectic two weeks, on a day off it comes and hits you hard. Like me I was feeling fine and then it just one thing to tip the scales and I then had this bad dip I am in. I am not saying that you will be the same as me, not at all, but that it is a build up. Equally we can suddenly start to feel good out of the blue, as things build up that we can't see. This is basically the chaos theory I was telling you about. 

 

I would again suggest to remember the self compassion and appreciate how amazing you have done over the last few weeks!! Those achievements happened and they have shown what you are capable of!! Today must have so tough but overall the picture is looking very exciting and you doing so well. It is never a straight line, that is my experience. The general direction is the main thing. There will be up and downs and sooner we can accept that, the better we will deal with it. 

 

With waking up and it just being there, that is really nasty but it could have been a combination of that stressful dream and you knowing it was a Sunday so in rest mode and so your defences are down. Ultimately you can't fight so have to just let it be and that sounds exactly what you did. If you wake feeling like that, then is simply something completely out of your control and so again it is about acceptance. Though I know that is so tough in those circumstances. But look how the day turned out -think of all the people you helped on the forum!! Even on such a bad day you are helping others -that right there is your purpose and you giving and spreading love!! That is such sensational achievement brother - to have such a tough day and still be helping others!!! I really hope you can see how you are giving out so much positivity and you helping so many people!! You are so admirable and awe inspiring!!! 

 

Absolutely right that we more often than not blind sighted in what is best for us spiritually. Ultimately as I said it is what we need from life not what we want. And how do we really know what we need spiritually?? Certainly I didn't know what was best for me. The more we can turn our gaze beyond the material world and remember we are spiritual beings simply having a human experience!! Happiness resides in the soul, short lasting pleasure is sensory but true and profound joy is a matter of the soul. So why do we as humans neglect the soul so much in favour of satisfying the worldly desires. That is where suffering can come in, it can help break the cycle and get us to look deeper and see the bigger picture. It can help us learn to be humble and accept He knows, better than we do, what is best for us! One day we will think 'ah man I complained over all that stuff but in fact it was exactly what I NEEDED!!'. 

 

Really hope tomorrow you feel a bit better, and I hope you can get some rest in and also remember the self compassion. Also remember you never need to apologise my brother!! This is what it is all about - we are here to help each other on this journey!! 

 

I will be praying!

 

I love so much brother! 

 

God bless

[TryinginFL]

FH, you are a hoot!

[frog]

Dogs really are amazing creatures. And I think they give you easy reasons to leave the house and an easy way in to talk to people. People love talking about dogs! 

 

I'm not an expert but I think if you're going to get both a dog and a cat I would get the dog first and then get a kitten when it's time. Cats have a far harder time adjusting to change in their lives than dogs, they're truly creatures of habit, but kittens are still very fresh and curious and more moldable and would have an easier time learning how to get along with the existing dog rather than having a cat first and letting it get established and then introducing a dog into the mix. 

 

Just my two cents! 

[TryinginFL]

Oh, how I agree, Frog!

 

I have 2 small dogs and cannot imagine my life w/o them...

 

I feel that I need 2 not 1 as they keep each other company - after all, they are pack animals!!

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

I am joining you in feeling super weak this evening! Not been nearly as long as you, but as I have not left the flat since Saturday afternoon, things are really getting me down too. Goodness knows how you must feel with it all. But hey - at ;east you are having a shower and shaving. Most people wouldn't bother in such a situation. Although I did manage a shave yesterday, my shower today was more of a splash of water if I'm honest as I knew I wouldn't be going anywhere.

 

Your words of the bigger picture are what I have been focusing on today as best I can. I woke up initially feeling alright as dreams were relatively normal, but unfortunately that didn't stop the stressful wall hitting me again - exactly the same. I again tried valium to no avail so I had to reach for the Kratom again. I really didn't want to, but it is the only stuff which sorts me out. I honestly would be screwed without it. This knocked me out for a couple of hours, so I was able to lay in a semi-conscious state before I got up and had breakfast. After that, I made myself engage in things such as the forum, games and email... And again as last night, I am still very fragile and worried how long this will last.

 

But big picture. Times like this have been a lot worse and lasted all day - I am getting myself semi-sorted within 3-4 hours here. The question is how long will it take to get out the other side as it worries me that the longer it takes, the worse it will be with deteriorating hope. I have appointments booked in this week which will be very difficult to cancel, shopping to do - it is this pressure of responsibility that keeps the stress coming back at me. It is not as if I could just get up and face it when I wake either as I am THAT weak. I am in no fit state to drive, let alone meet with people. But I can only do what I can, and I must put myself above others if I am to get better. But then you get to the stage that you speak of whereby the social anxiety sets in, and for me that can happen fairly quickly if I stay in for more than a couple of days, so I really hope that I am in a position to get myself out and about tomorrow.

 

I will try to bring faith to your chaos theory brother. These things can just suddenly turn in our favour! But inevitably, I have been in this situation before and come out the other side. It is just a case of learning how to cope with these stresses. Things are going to happen in life and life cannot be changed. Like the famous quote says... it is not about waiting for the rain to stop, but how to learn to dance in the rain. This is what I want, but when you are disabled and unable to get out in the rain to dance, it isn't quite so easy is it?!? LOL

 

I think things would come a lot easier if I didn't have my responsibilities to worry about. Not that I am blaming the wife, but if she were able to work and get outside and do the shopping, I wouldn't have all this weight on my shoulders. I would then be able to relax knowing that it isn't a problem if I need to take tomorrow off too, but with the way things are, I cannot. 

 

Thank you for your kind words about helping people out on the forum. This is what I do. Yes, I am trying to recover, but whilst I can, I will be helping others as best I can. It reminds me that I am not the only one suffering at the moment, and if I was in the other position and others could help me, I would be so grateful for the support - just as I was those months ago during my withdrawal. And this is why I say about your message to me. Some days it is the only thing that keeps me going - honest truth man. There is much more to your support than I think you know, or that I can give suitable credit for.

 

Right, time for a breather. Far too much typing today as I have tried my best to catch up on study as well as continue on the forum. Once again, apologies for the one-sided rant! But if nothing else, I at least know we are in the same boat here and it helps me empathise with your situation as we are sleeping longer hours, very weak and longing to be back outside!!

 

We keep going together my brother - no matter what befalls us - we will face it with faith and all the strength we have!

 

Love you man!

 

God Bless

[frog]

IUN, just wanted to say that both you and fishinghat have been such a source of support and confidence for me. In my worst times a few weeks ago having one of you answer my panicked posts brought so much relief at such a scary and fragile time. It takes a village. I already told myself that even when I inevitably get better I intend to check back in here when I can and maybe be able to provide some optimism and relief to someone else as you did for me. So.. my point is, THANK YOU for continuing to reply on here and tackle other people's suffering even as you deal with your own struggles. 

[invalidusername]

Bless you Frog. That means a lot to me to know that my efforts are appreciated. 

 

There are some truly inspirational people who have passed through the forum. Our Gail for one, who has braved so much physical, psychological and emotional trauma continues to post - even when she is in hospital! Whenever there is the slightest doubt of information, you can guarantee that Hat will not stop until that doubt is cleared... and LDN here is our spiritual guru who always has the right words to say. Not quite sure where I fit in short of being the technical support at times, but this is my family... and I love them dearly and we would be honoured for you to offer any support as and when you can.

[LDN]

Hey frog! Again thanks for such an insightful post!! That has really really helped. For me it isn't so much a question of if I will get a dog, but when, and so if I didn't get one now I would want to get one in a year. I still have a bit to go with my recovery from Lyme so to do have a companion would make things so much more fun! By the sounds of it, if I got a cat and then a year or two later got a dog that could be quite difficult for the cat. I hope my cat in the country would be ok though. She does get on well with dogs in general and she is old as well, she is 18, so hasn't got too much longer left. I wouldn't want to disrupt her though. 

 

Other than my cat in the country, my main concern is having enough energy for the dog walks everyday as my energy is so up and down. That is why I was looking for a dog that didn't need too much walking. I do have my mum around and she would be able to take it out and also my brother and sister as well.  

 

Lots to think about. My aunt has a Lurcher and I will see her probably at Christmas so can ask her questions.

 

Thanks so much again!!

[LDN]

Hey brother! First things first just to echo frog's words!! You have helped me so much and I can see first hand on here how much you are helping people in desperate need! I hope that can give some sense of purpose and how much love you give to world!! All over the world people are being helped by your love!! I am very proud of you brother!! 

 

Also that is very kind to say about me helping you and that is very much a mutual feeling! Look how far I have come since meeting you!! Having your support throughout this year has been huge for me! It has been key in all the exposures I have done. I have also felt such positive and loving energy from you which has been a real gift! Plus learned so much from you! 

 

I am ridiculously weak again tonight!! Just the life sucked out of me! I am really in shock at how long this dip has gone on for and how unrelenting it is!! I had SO much more energy before this happened. My doctor really didn't seem surprised though! With Lyme some people do very heavy antibiotic treatments, but this seems to mean they keep on having dips, then back on the antibiotics, so it's a cycle. Whereas I'm going alternative which takes much longer but IN THEORY gives a fuller recovery. If my gut was so incredibly bad then having endless IV antibiotics I think would just cause more damage. With a gut as bad a mine i think I just need patience. I think the gut takes a very very long time to recover. I saw my p doc today and she was a bit surprised by the length of time my Lyme doctor thought it would take to get better, but I can't get caught up in potentialities. I have to live fully present, fully alive, fully here and now. This is where I have found so much joy this year. 

 

Brother so sorry to hear of your continuing fatigue. Really so sorry. But don't be surprised to see a sudden jump. You body and mind are in rest mode and so the defences are down. You have no adrenaline or anything like that. You didn't to feel good the last few days so your body will take it up as an opportunity to shut down a bit. 

 

You have achieved so much and it does take time to take this stuff in. I think part of my problem was not really taking in all these huge changes over the last 6 months and now it needs time. I feel the fatigue is almost sort of forcing me to not do exposures as my body and brain need a breather after so many changes. Both of us have had big changes in our habitual routine and that is a massive stress on the system!! I've been doing stuff for the first time in 8 years!! That is going to take it out of me. My doctor says sometimes the body has to catch with the brain. I feel mentally I have really made great steps with dealing with my social anxiety but right now it is my body that is holding me back. 

 

Both of us are trying our best and that is all we can do. That is where the liberation lies! Are we doing our best? Yes! So we have nothing more left to do but let go and have acceptance of the things we can't control. 

 

Learning to dance in the rain exactly! Of course it tough for us to even get out in the rain but it can be done!! There is a music video of this artist who dances with deaf kids and it is amazing!! Even without hearing the music they have so much joy!! 

 

Ah man that is great you got some study in!! Fantastic!! 

 

One day this will all make sense my brother and we will actually be thankful for going through this!! I know that sounds crazy but I believe it!! So much joy will come of this suffering we have shared! We have both had tastes of that joy and more is to come my brother!! 

 

I will be praying my brother! I did manage 7 minutes outside and then 12 at the back which with how I'm feeling right now seems a miracle LOL!!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless