2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey brother. I have got that massive agitation again tonight. Very common these last few days. In the the evenings I get these massive bursts of energy. Incredible what such a small reduction in dose can do. What a huge relief I went so slow. Otherwise I would be completely over run. Still very edgy right now and need to go and relax. 

 

I got some reading done last night and felt a bit depressed but went to sleep fine. Then I woke fine and did 7 minutes out the front but another 51 minutes out the back again. I couldn't believe it when I checked the time because it seemed way less than that!!! I have no idea how long these sessions in the garden so on for, no concept of time really. Other than that my siesta and that was it basically. I am going to have to be extra slow with this reduction, otherwise the energy increases with get out of hand. 

 

I forgot last night to say thank for such a stunning Gail's corner with your description of the Summerland! It was incredible! And another lovely story today! It is amazing that in your meditations you get such vivid and beautiful images!! 

 

I think your therapist is spot on and from the outside it seemed to me that you were just dealing with heavy burnout. A great quote she gave you. Like I say slow and steady, because our brains need time to take things in. All the new experiences. It takes an emotional toil. Plus the physically side of it of course. I really hope you can get some restful time in the next few days! You now have therapists orders for it LOL!! Happy the therapy went well! 

 

 

I totally get the red alert thing brother, especially as I had so recently! I am with 100%! I can relate so much and that is why I say I am so so impressed by how you are dealing with it! Really great stuff! Very proud of you brother! 

 

As I say we are in this together!! I really hope you have a nice day tomorrow! And hopefully those mindful exercises can help! 

 

I will be praying brother! 

 

I love you so much brother!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Saw (and liked) one of your "other" posts earlier today. Truly superb stuff man. The mrs and I were both totally taken with it. You have a talent there for sure. Never doubt that. 

 

Most of what I can tell you about today can be summed up in the post below... I have been experimenting!

 

https://www.cymbalta...onary-response/

 

Felt a little flat beforehand, but rest of the day is summarised above.

 

So do you do your walking and garden meditation as part of your earlier routine after shower etc? Is this all done before any food intake? As I know you don't d breakfast to speak of. As you know, I can't have breakfast. I have to wait a good 3 hours of more before eating - but it is then cereal as I need the proteins and so forth being a vegetarian. This is what is so bad about getting up earlier - I cannot go to the therapist on an empty stomach. If I go out and start using energy, I will get lightheaded and then the anxiety will start when the blood-sugar drops. I just wondered how you fair on that score? How you can expend this level of energy without food is that is what you do?

 

This quote I spoke of yesterday has been moved to a cupboard next to my desk... so every time I relax my eyes from the laptop, turn to get my cup of tea for a sip, look over to the wife to talk to her, I see it - many many times a day. Not just when I go to the cupboard - it is not enough. Just then.. I took a moment to take a breath and look away from the screen and saw it and it is reminding me to slow my typing down and to remember to find time to relax right after this. I think this is a very good way to go.

 

Thank you for you kind words about the red alert. Of course you know brother... so well. We feel it together. So tough. The circumstances of today meant there was nothing there, so couldn't really judge how today was! But will see how tomorrow goes, but things have certainly improved since the weekend. Just need to be aware as much as I can be.

 

GAIL'S CORNER - Well today will be a reminder of my orbs. Gail I know you will remember these but others will not know... but during my meditation last night I had more, but different ones. I was climbing a spiral staircase that took me high up into the night sky. There were no clouds, just everywhere stars - I was in the heavens. I got to the top and there was a nice place for me to sit and look at the wonder of creation.

 

There were stars everywhere, but also orbs floating passed which were just like mini-stars. They are about the size of a ball bearing... maybe a little bigger.. maybe 5mm or 6mm across, but so much detail in them. Like a planet! But blowing with a white-blue. So beautiful. I can reach out to them, but I cannot touch them - they just pass though my hands. 

 

But I don't need to touch them. I just look at them and enjoy the feeling that comes from them. They are in heaven Gail... waiting for you, for me... for everyone.

 

Love to you both brother and sister...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! WOW! What an adventure you had today! Fascinating reading that post! Must say when I saw your wife went to the shops on her own, I was so excited!! Amazing!! I am sorry about the come down but it must have been nice to have that fun stage with the jokes and laughs after this bumpy patch! Anyway look forward to seeing how your further experiments get on! 

 

So so happy to hear in general this week is getting better! With burnout this happens. I nasty dip and then a gradual improvement! So keep it nice and steady and great idea about moving your quote to your desk. 

 

So last night as I mentioned I was wired, so listened to 2 hours of music, the 5th night in 6 days to listen to music. Then only got 6 1/2 sleep, as had my therapist. Felt pretty wired all afternoon today as well! On Monday night I reduced my dose by a further 2mg or so, so I am taking around 20/21mg of the 25mg. I felt nothing on Tuesday, but today I felt a little spaced out this morning but nothing as bad as last week. I haven't had much anxiety since Monday either. Main thing is just crazy burst in energy, both physical and mental. The Chlorpromazine was taking a lot out of me. So I need to just try and keep it as steady as possible, though it is tough with such intense bursts of energy. In the long term it is great of course, but certainly overwhelming in the short term. Completely messes up my routine. A burst of energy can come out of nowhere any second! And then I have to listen to music or be active to use up the energy, otherwise I can't sleep. 

 

So in terms of my walks and food etc. I eat nothing at all until after waking, going out if I have an appointment, my walks and garden meditation, sauna, shower. So will eat 1st food of the day around 7 or 8pm. I do this called intermittent fasting, where you basically just eat in a 6 hour period of the day and then fast for the rest of the 24 hour cycle. So for me I usually have 2 meals within about 4 hours and then eat nothing for another 20 hours. I did it naturally not knowing it was actually something that is suggested now. So my body is adjusted to not having anything for those 20 hours, so I do my walks, appointments etc. all on an empty stomach. I will only start to feel light headed and like my blood sugar levels are dropping about 4 hours after my first meal of the day. So around 12ish I start to feel weak and need food. Not very practical but it is my bodies rhythm now. I never did it for any health reasons I just found it ended up like that, and then when I read it was the new health craze I found it really funny because I was doing it already randomly!!! 

 

Thanks for such kind words about my writing! That really means a lot brother! Thank you! I saw your comment and that was really lovely to see!! I was so happy to see that! It has been a bit stressful today since they keep blocking me, for apparently doing too much following of people, they think I am bot. So I have been watching youtube vids explaining how to deal with this etc.!! Pretty stressful but I am learning how all this works on the job! I will be replying to your lovely words when they unblock me! 

 

Man anther incredible gail's corner!!! Just wow!! I know I keep going on about it but you really need to keep up the meditation! Your see the most amazing things!! You have a gift man!! Seriously incredible you have these stunning images come to you!! Just mesmerising! Utterly beautiful and awe inspiring! Thank you for sharing and I feel blessed to read such amazing words!! What you have written today is just extraordinary! I am just blown away by it! You could write a book about your meditations experiences man! 

 

So at the moment for me it a fine line - don't overdo it, but at the same time I want to sleep and not just lie there restless, so I have to use up some energy!! It is a fine line and tonight and feel a bit in between! 

 

I will keep praying and hope you have a good day tomorrow!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Yes, Scrat, I remember the orbs, I thought they were bigger than that. Blue white. And a chair to admire the creation. Since I don't meditate, I have not much to bring here. But I have dreams, a few that were real life changing for 4 hours.

I will write about it soon. Thanks for relating that beautiful meditation or dream.lovage!

[invalidusername]

I think the orbs in the dream that I had were slightly bigger, but in that one I was in a clear white-blue sky, so no stars... and I was flying. 

 

Maybe there is a difference between daytime and nighttime orbs. But strictly speaking there is no night in heaven - unless it is desired. People usually experience the same day and night style days for a while when they pass over until they get used to never having to sleep in their bodies of pure energy.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother..

 

Yes... was an adventure for sure yesterday! Not quite sure if I had aftereffects today, but it has been a good one, despite being busy. Little stress moments coming in as I didn't stop much between 2 and 9pm, but did get 10 mins of meditation. I know it is not much, but better than none at all. I am really trying to keep on top of it. Even though the computer work has stopped, there still seems to be plenty of other stuff coming in to take its place. Glad for the weekend that is for sure.

 

I have suggested Frog has a look at our posts here and drop you a message if needed as she is struggling with the "fighting the fear" - I hope you don't mind;

 

https://www.cymbalta...eks-in/?p=90163

 

Some really interesting turns of events going on here with your state - great to read, and will be so interested to see how it all turns out. It looks like it is going the right way with the anxiety - just need to get some stability in the energy front. Like I say, I wish I could help.... but wouldn't know where to start. And speaking of messing up routines, I turned in at 3am (earlier than usual) and didn't wake until 2pm!! 11 hours straight! I was meant to be at my first client at 2pm as well! So I had to jump out of bed, neck some breakfast, wash only the "critical" parts and leg it! Didn't like that at all. But dreams were amazing - I updated my phenibut post as I am sure this had something to do with it. Dreams were SO vivid and full of detail. I could write a book on just that one night's dream alone. It was fantastic. Shame about the abrupt kick start...

 

So you don't even eat if you have to go out? No way I could do this. So did you find that this helps? If so in what way? Or was it just something that developed?

 

Odd about this blocking behaviour too - can your sister not weigh in on that? She seemed to be a bit of a guru when it came to this stuff. I don't really have much time - but I try and catch up at least once a day to give my brain a breather.

 

Thanks for the words about my meditation. The orbs are great - the first time around they were in a dream and I wrote to Gail and Hat about them. This was a long time ago, before you were back on the scene, but the dream was truly beautiful. General consensus was that I had a glimpse of heaven. I will try to find the message if I still have it somewhere as it will have all the detail, but it was so so beautiful. What I would give to do that again.

 

Anyway, Gailage, I am very sorry, I need to stop tonight, I have been on the forum for over an hour replying and need to slow down so corner will have to be tomorrow - sorry! LDN is right, I need to watch how I go and my notice is there telling me that I need to relax, so I am going to do just that..!!

 

Much much love!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Brain fried here so will have to be really short! So sorry! I read about your dream - that sounded insane!!! An 11 hour sleep - WOW!! I am really excited by all this man!! Also buzzing you had a great day!!! 

 

10 minutes is absolutely better than none at all!!! 10 minutes can make a big difference man!! So well done for that! 

 

Speak tomorrow man!! Hope it is a good day!! Will be interesting to hear how things go! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Well Scrat, I will replace you with a dream I had 6-7 years ago. As you all know, when I was a baby, love was not part of my life. A dad really cold and my mom also.

Short dream but how revealing. I was with mom and dad, both were holding my hands, what a feeling, so powerful, I felt so confident. I woke up so happy. Washed, got ready for work, singing, so free. This lasted about three hours, God, was I happy to receive what I was deprived of when a child.

And, slowly,that joyous feeling , that loving feeling began to fade, then nothing. It didn't stay for more than three hours, it was such a good feeling. I can't forget that. lovAge, love.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

No worries at all for the shorter reply yesterday - you had a fair bit on. I did a bit better today. Down to 6 1/2 hours with a 10 minute meditation break. Again, not nearly as much as I would like, but better than nothing and happy that I did that rather than waste the time looking at my phone or something else.

 

That said, the stress I mentioned earlier in my PM turned more into a bit of anger having had a client walk out on me because they couldn't take the noise of the neighbours refurb. He told me it would all be done by the end of last week. Then I got a call from my other neighbour (a nice one!) who told me that due to this new idiot neighbour doing something with his radiators, that we now have no water until lunchtime tomorrow! I was really looking forward to a nice long soak in the bath with my book this evening and that is shattered! So annoyed!! Trying to calm as best I can. 

 

But I am finding myself at a bit of a loose end when I feel like this as my brain gets all heated up with the circumstances of the day and while I am not feeling a depressed or anxious negative, I still cannot feel positive. I will try starting the book all the same. Bath or not. I must persevere.

 

Heard back from your sis this evening... isn't she a doll! She was thanking me for how I have helped and for the forum etc. But I said she clearly had a role in your aid. I do hope you didn't mind - but it is nice feeling like more of the family!! LOL. You aren't just some random dude - never have been - and perhaps inevitably I will meet your sister and the rest of the family, so just getting a head start on it.. LOL!

 

Hope you have had a good day  - you will need to fill me in on the goings-on if you are able. Really looking forward to the weekend. Got one system in for repair and my usual weekend friend. Nothing else booked in so I will have a lot of time to rest - and intend to do just that. I need to remember that it was only last weekend that I was in the middle of my burnout - only five days ago. Technically, I still need to recover from that. Goodness knows how I managed a usual 5-day week right on top of that. Definately a weekend for rest!!

 

GAIL'S CORNER - That which you shared is a lovely example of what can be shown to us through our brain without the need for any chemicals. Although I had those crazy 3 hours on the Phenibut the other day, they would not have come close to what you are talking of, or my orb stories. As LDN will agree that so much can be had from taking the time out to appreciate the natural things from a moment of quiet. I admit I don't give myself nearly as much time as I should....

 

So onto today's story. A classic among near-death experience readers... known as the "red shoe". Some reading might already know this as it became quite viral when the woman eventually shared it. 

 

The woman was rushed into the hospital - I forget the condition - but she died for a few minutes before being resuscitated. It was during this time when she was technically "dead" that she felt herself leave her body and float up. She saw the surgeons trying to help her and one of the nurses. Shortly after, she continued to float up as far as the roof of the hospital. It was at that point that they bought her back and she had the usual slam of the etheric body back into the physical.

 

She didn't want to embarass herself in front of the doctors so she told a nurse about her experience, but she almost couldn't believe it herself, but she remembered seeing a red shoe sitting on the edge of the roof. Curiosity got the better of the nurse who asked the maintenance guy to go and take a look. He returned shortly after from the roof with a red shoe in his hands...

 

Much love and lovage to my brother and sister

 

God Bless 

[gail]

Great story Sçrat. Proves a point, it ain't over till it's over. Thanks lovAge!

[LDN]

Hey brother! So last night after I posted I was feeling really weird! I was really wired but also really tired! I felt like my body was going to start to shake any moment because how wired I felt. I am sure it is related to the extra energy this withdrawal is giving me. My body is confused and trying to find some stability amongst this utter chaos!! I absolutely dread to think how I would be if I had reduced any quicker!!! 

 

Last night really unnerved me and today I felt very fragile. Up until last night things had been going pretty well, so I of course started to freak out a little. I am carrying such a huge amount of trauma from my last withdrawal, it is hard to deal with that level of trauma on your shoulders. It's weight is breaking my back!! As I say feel very very fragile right now. I will have to have a very easy weekend and take things very slow. So apologise in advance if my posts aren't the most lucid or longest next few days! 

 

Up until Wednesday night I had listened to music 6 out of the last 7 nights!! That has come from less than a quarter reduction!! Everything is being completely turned on it's head right now!! Every day I am having to think on my feet all the time! My routine is all over the shop! Very unsettling and crazy how much this drug was affecting me!! 

 

My brain feel weird right now! A bit spaced out and everything feels a bit of blur! It feels like everything is going really fast. It is overwhelming! And a bit scary.

 

I had heard that story about the shoe, but what a lovely story!! 

 

Ah man that is nice you spoke with my sister! Of course she knows all about you!! 

 

What a fantastic achievement this week has been considering your burn out!! Really so proud of you brother! As you say now time for a nice weekend rest and I hope you have a lovely time with your friend! But to do another 6 1/2 hours is fantastic!! 

brother! 

 

I love you brother!

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Gail thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful story!! 

 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!

[invalidusername]

Great story Sçrat. Proves a point, it ain't over till it's over. Thanks lovAge!

 

Absolutely!!

 

Lovage!

[invalidusername]

Evening brother...

 

You got the twired again! That is a really annoying feeling - among other things. I also dread to think what they case would have been if you had gone about the drop quicker. You have for sure made the right decision. 

 

I think it is perfectly natural to feel vulnerable as the place you are - as you say - given the evidence from the previous withdrawals. Anyone in the same position would feel the same. I can therefore understand that replies over the weekend may indeed be short, so I will not ask much of you! 

 

Today has been very quiet for me... although it was a very nice day, I got woken up by the plumber because he kept setting off the smoke alarm with the fumes from mending whatever pipes my idiot neighbour had broken. But the time the noise stopped, I was wide awake... so was working on 4 hours sleep, and then 3 hours awake, but then I fell back to sleep for another 3 hours, and woke around 2.30 which again threw me right off my schedule. 

 

I also had an email which is potentially going to require me to travel quite a distance (25 miles) for a meeting. This immediately got my anxiety right up. This - along with going away for a break - are the things that I have real difficultly with. I get really nervous about being more than around 10 miles from home (or more than around 20 minutes drive) - which ever is the longest. I mentioned that I want to work on this with the wife, but she can't come with me for obvious reasons, so I am here on my own. Will mention to the therapist... 

 

I also had a few flat hour after that and a couple of hours of mediocre depression which worried me a bit. But I tried taking some Ashwagandha about an hour before this (1gm powder), and I think this has made me feel depressed before, so I am inclined to think it was that as I feel much better now.

 

I hope your routine was able to return to something normal today and there was some evening of the energy. I will leave it to you to tell me what you are able brother.

 

GAIL'S CORNER - I have been thinking of this one for a while before writing the reply - and I think I need to include some opinions in here as well as anecdotal stories. As both of you will know of Helen Greeves and her magnificent book. I was wondering which parts of the book stick in your minds? For me, it is when she first wakes up and describes the place where she is first in Heaven. A place with wonderful comfortable furniture and a stunning view over tranquil gardens with the most beautiful trees and flowers and the greenest grass. Then there is the bit that the room she was in did not have any walls. That really made me think... you can't make stuff like that up, but when you consider it, why do we have walls here? To keep out the wind, the rain and the cold - none of which exist in Heaven, so why have that view spoiled? 

 

Much much love to my brother and sister...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Ok day. Felt a bit of anxiety in the afternoon but other than that just quite tired. I am having a slight lull after all the hectic stuff going on. But I still don't quite feel right. I did do a good exposure today. I was on my computer and got distracted so didn't have time to go out for a walk before my siesta. I was quite annoyed as I like to go out every day and I felt I needed fresh air. But I always go out before my siesta, never after. But today I woke up from my siesta and just really felt I needed some fresh air. I was very scared of going out, since it is completely new to me. But I have done so well with situational anxiety recently I wanted to carry on that momentum. My one conciliation of having anxiety that is non situational like I had around Christmas and how I feel now with my withdrawal is it makes me feel like I have nothing to lose and to take risks. So at 11:30pm I went out for 11 minutes. Went well. Wasn't very anxious to be honest. But felt a big step, as I hadn't done it before. 

 

Now with how unstable I have been for so long with first the red alert anxiety over Christmas and now with my withdrawal, all the situational stuff feels much much less daunting. When you are so unstable anyway you don't have much of a routine to hold onto so it is much easier to take risks! Everything has been all over shop since December, every day something different. Never two days the same. So you might as well embrace it and just use the lack of stability to fit in lots of exposures. The big fear for me over exposures before was 'I am feeling ok right now, I don't want to disrupt that by taking a risk and doing something different'. But i am always feeling weird or anxious or wired, so I don't have anything to protect. 

 

The big issue for me is still the trauma of summer 2018 being brought to the surface by this withdrawal. That is why the exposures at least give me something to cheer me up, when this trauma is clinging to me. 

 

I can imagine that email would have made you feel uncomfortable and anxious. That is totally natural. Whatever you decided to do I will be 100% supportive! As you say talk to therapist about it. This is just the sort of thing that they can really help with! I am pleased to hear your depression didn't last too long and by the sounds of it you managed to get some rest in, which is fantastic! Obviously rest can be quite tough but we need it! 

 

In terms of the Helen Greaves book, what I really remember is how she said that in the Summerland what they really value is not how clever you were or what achievements you had but how kind you were. That definitely resonated with me! 

 

Feel flat right now, so will try and unwind with a book. I haven't been reading much recently with all this energy! 

 

I will be praying and hope you have a great rest day tomorrow!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Dear Scrat, I haven't read Helen Greaves, just heard about her from you guys. But I do like the words from London, how kind you were. Love that.

We can also include experiences we personally had that resonnate with God and experiences that changed us for a certain time.

Like this, I had been desperate with depression for a month or so. I prayed, I cried, I wanted to be in Summerland. I went to my room, crying, pleading for relief and I came out of my room, putting the first foot in the hallway, I was cured, I laughed, cried of joy, I was so much in gratitude,smiling. Just like that. This happened twice. One minute in great depression, the next minute in full joy. I can't forget this. Never.

Just giving an example of what we could talk about. Lovage

[invalidusername]

Gailage....

 

If your emails go back far enough... check 17th July 2019... I sent you the pdf of the book. If you need me to send again, please let me know and I will. It is a book that must be read - as I am sure LDN will agree. The writing is beautiful. It is full of Gail corner's!!

 

Lovely example you have written above though. Truly beautiful that this sort of stuff can happen. Sometimes it is hard to accept our path, but we just don't know how and why, but if you read Gail's Corner today, there will be a good example!!

 

Lovage!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Same as you this end... been an "OK" day. Very worrying start however. I woke to some really hard-hitting depression. It felt biological for sure... I know I had a tough week, but it was good, so nothing in terms of circumstances that would cause it. So it was the usual... just didn't want to get out of bed, but as I was due to see my weekend friend today, I knew I had to snap out of it somehow. After about an hour, it had got quite bad and I was really feeling a sting that I haven't felt for a while. It started worrying me that it was all coming back, but I didn't know why. I got really scared. 

 

The wife convinced me to take a dose of Kratom to help, which it did, so I was able to eat breakfast, shower and go round to my friend. Still not quite myself, but well within tolerance. I felt the Kratom wear off just as I was leaving my friends and the depression was creeping back in, but then it turned and slowly drifted off. It was then that I realised it could have been the Phenibut. I tried a smaller dose of 500mg last night and it was quite nice, but then it occurred to me that the last GABA antagonist I took was Pregabalin which I only took for 5 days and as soon as I stopped, I got the worst depression hit imaginable. Phenibut is very similar, so I think it was a mini withdrawal today. 

 

It makes sense - if you take something that increases GABA, your body will stop making it to compensate, so when the effect goes, your body needs to catch up, so you will be running low levels of GABA for a while. I am clearly very sensitive to this and it is commonly known that low GABA increases depression. Need to do an update on my post....

 

So, your exposure was a good one! I wouldn't have thought a late night walk in central London was a good idea either way!! But that really is looking at the fear with both eyes and going right in. Seriously well done man. That is how it is done. I am glad you said this because I was needing this sort of thing when I felt this low today. I had felt like that for such a long time and still gone to my friends every weekend, so I needed to do the same. Being low isn't nice, but you can still push on and not let it win. So thank you for sharing this.

 

What you have said about the situational stuff also rings true. I think this has all happened to you for a reason, and you have done really well with it, and it is just what I need to start doing. I need to start embracing things that are out of my routine and schedule otherwise I will never go on holiday again! This is what worries me. But I have to be aware of the stresses at the moment, my commitment to my study and keeping my wife is as good health as I possibly can. What you say about not wanting to "disrupt" was also aimed right at me!! This is really how I think about my life! Just shows that even though you are not working and going out and about like me, you are making so much progress... this is why you are here for me. To remind me of this stuff.

 

GAIL'S CORNER - Something a little different about understanding our path today. Yesterday, I was supposed to pop down the road and collect some money owed to me by a client, but I didn't really feel like it. Couldn't explain it, just something was stopping me, making me think, tomorrow will do. So today, I went to see the client. I should state that this client is something of a "hermit". He lives on his own in a very small flat and rarely gets out due to anxiety bought on by disability that he has until recently "medicated" with alcohol. I rarely see him, but he tells me I am one of the people who he sees most frequently - so he really doesn't get out much.

 

So I get there today and he tells me to have a seat for a story. Yesterday, he decided to push himself to try walking up a slight hill which he couldn't really manage and something that he was really scared to do in case he was in trouble and needed help. But he told me that last night, he did it anyway. He faced a fear and walked up a small hill close to where we live. I could see that this was a clear achievement for him knowing his history and I was so proud of him. I gave him the due praise for what he did as he deserved it. 

 

It then occurred to me that I wouldn't have heard that story if I went yesterday as it wouldn't have happened yet. So by going today, I was able to hear the story and give him this encouragement, which he wouldn't have got from anyone else. 

 

I wonder what stopped me from going yesterday?

 

Much love to you both

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Another lovely story for Gail's corner brother!! That is what it all about!! That is what you are giving to this world! The world is getting so much love from you brother!!! I know we suffer, but the love we give is literally keeping the world going! It is a domino effect, if we can give love out then others will give love out! If you smile at someone in the street, then they will get a lift and are more likely to smile at someone else and then it starts a chain reaction! What you do on the forum is just incredible! And then to hear of how lovely you are to people like this poor man, that is beautiful to see brother!! I am so proud to know so one so kind and loving!!! What you did today, that is what this life is all about!! 

 

So I my brother was watching the Super Bowl which went on till 3:30 so downstairs wasn't free, so I wasn't able to get on here earlier and I have to get up early for me, as have osteopath. So I will have to be quite short. Today was okish. I had this feeling of wanting to cry, I didn't, but just this low, depressed feeling. But it didn't last too long! Then just rest. Feeling a bit burnt out after having that massive burst of energy last week and a bit. I am trying to find some equilibrium when my body is in a state of flux, with these drastic swings of energy. It is like I have loads of energy then none and then loads again. No subtly and of course the routine is all over the shop. 

 

I hope you can ease back in to work tomorrow and the rest these last two days has been helpful. I will be praying! 

 

GAIL CORNER - 

So in the country I would go into the field and walk to the top and just stare into the distance! Be totally still! I felt like I was heaven! Everything felt like a dream! I felt unity with everything. As if I wasn't separate but one with everything! I felt this is paradise on earth! I felt only God could create something like this! I realised we can have moments of heaven on earth!! Heaven can be found on earth in some special moments! The veil is lifted!!! We get a little taste of heaven! A taste of what is to come! I felt so much love and thanks for God! I knew how everything would work out well in the end! Everything was beautiful but we don't often see this truth! Pure peace and love! No fear! That is the truth you see in those moments!! The truth is our home is joy!! The truth is that everything is beautiful! When we can see without the veil of being human, but see as being spiritual beings!!! When we see as spiritual beings we see that everything is so amazing and there is nothing to fear!! 

 

Love you so much brother!

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Gail I love this story so much! Thank you for sharing it again!! That a beautiful story! I love to read you!! 

 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! 

[gail]

Two beautiful stories on life. Can't stop reading them over and over again.

Right, Scrat, who stopped you???

London, that veil you talk about, I've been there also. All is seen differently. It comes at a time least expected. You can't force it. A gift from God. It's been a long time since it happened to me.

As for the book by Helen Greaves, at the moment, I'm to fragile. Thanks for the
Offer.

Love and lovAge.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thank you for your kind words about my corner post last night. I don't really think about it, I do what I do, but of course knowing that it does spread love to other people as you say. I still try my best to continue regards of my condition or circumstances - just as I know you do as well... and Gailage and so many others.

 

Quite a bad day to report however. I really do think this Phenibut has done a number on me. I woke up similar to yesterday with some nasty depression which carried on for a similar 3-4 hours. I had so much to do today and I had no idea how I was going to get it all done. I had to collect some car parts, then 4 clients one after the other - one of which was another new one, which was a visit out, so new people, new place, new environment and was there 90 minutes. I could feel a bit of anxiety but just kept telling myself that it was because of current circumstances. 

 

Was out for a little over 5 hours without a break and returned shattered. I really do hope that this is all related to the Phenibut otherwise I have no idea what is going on. It is all a but too conicidental to not be. But knowing how sensitive I am to these things, I think I need to expect this to carry on for another 2-3 days at least, but should hopefully see some improvement tomorrow. Was so tough today, but felt I didn't have a choice. I cancelled on the new client last Monday when I was in the middle of my burnout, so I couldn't cancel again!

 

Good grief - I have just seen how late your reply was... plus an early start for the osteopath. I hope you aren't too shattered out from that. And you also had some depression... any ideas as to where it was from? I know you can deal well with this sort of ad hoc depression, but all mine is hanging it on being the Phenibut. If it wasn't for that, I am quite sure I would be in a far worse state. 

 

I can well imagine the energy stuff still going on. Must be a bit like some sort of mania. You just don't know until it hits you, but as you say, it is things trying to balance out which we all know takes time. Just hope it is sooner rather than later for you. Again, don't worry if you reply needs to be a bit short as a result - it is always understood. I have done my rounds on the forum this evening and it has take it out of me further so I need a rest!

 

That was a nice Gail's corner from you man! I had this in my mind as I was on my travels today thinking that one day we will be there. I am trying my best to visualise the Summerland, and this place will be there somewhere between your home, Gail's home and my own. We will meet there under the lovely tall and strong oak tree and talk about all these times on the forum together. And Gail do not worry about the book, we will keep putting things here... and that image of us all under the tree is mine for tonight as I need to rest...

 

Thinking and sending you both lots of love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I am really sorry to hear about that depression. But I have to say a massive WELL DONE for still getting all that stuff done!! When you were listing off all the stuff you fitted in I was like 'WOAH!!'. 5 hours without a break in those circumstances is so impressive man!! Seriously hope you can feel proud of yourself!! Remember how important self compassion is! And in this case you seriously should be so proud!!! Also a 90 minute session with a new client! I was just stressed reading that!! So so proud of you brother! 

 

I am feeling a bit knackered to be honest! A bit of a burnout from all that energy, which was too much to take. It was definitely manic in nature, you are right! As I said no equilibrium or harmony at the moment! Huge swings! Just need to keep calm and rest as much as I can in the circumstances. I woke and felt quite anxious and then felt pretty spaced out. Then it faded but I felt some more anxiety this early evening! I feel a bit like so much is on top of me at the moment. I don't have any engagements but I think just mental fatigue from the huge bursts of energy is leaving feeling overwhelmed with the smallest stuff. I can see what is going on, so need to keep my discipline I guess and just not overstretch myself. 

 

I read a fantastic bit of my book, which is perfect for Gail's corner!!! Honestly you will love it man!! I don't want to type it all out so I will see if I can find a version online and then copy and paste! It is about a NDE but one of the most beautiful I have ever read! 

 

GAIL'S CORNER - 

I have this image that just comes into my mind out the blue sometimes. It is of a endless field with long grass. A beautiful sunny afternoon. The sun shining of the grass. A slight wind blowing the grass back and forth. I am walking through the long grass very slowly. The light is so beautiful. I get a feeling from this image of pure joy!! Like just real pure freedom and love and joy! It is magic!! Something incredible! It just comes into my mind from time to time. Completely random!! When it comes all I want is to be in that field and feel the sun and grass against me! I feel a real sense of God with this image, but I can't describe why!! It feels like home!!! 

 

Love you brother so much!!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail my love I know you understand about the veil!! All is seen differently - yes this is the perfect way to describe it!! You are right it is a true gift from God!!!

 

LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!

[invalidusername]

Hey Brother...

 

Thank you for your kind words - they helped today as it has got worse. I am quite sure this is withdrawal now. I have done a lot of reading on forums and people have often reported an onset of depression around 3 days after dosing. As this was my first time with the stuff, it would have hit me hard, so I guess I just need to hang in there. But man, it has been so tough today. Some real moments when it has hit me square in the chest. The horrible tightening moment where the depression has you firmly in its grip and you feel like you will never be able to get out. Like I am in a hole and not matter how hard I try I know I will never be able to climb to the top. there were moments where I felt like just giving in and staying in bed - cancelling therapy - the lot.

 

However, I did get myself to therapy, even if I did turn up in a right state. She started doing these exercises and immediately I thought, this is what LDN has been going on about. She told me that my depression is fed by my fear of returning to where I was - damn straight I am! She got me to calm my breathing as I was really tight chested and once she had me breathing properly, she wanted me to embrace the fear. Feel like my chest was a balloon swelling up and in doing so, just let the fear come in. When the thoughts invade the process, thank them for trying to help and escape from the fear, but keep letting the fear build up and build up. 

 

I thought I was going to go crazy from it, but then it mutated. I can't remember what exactly, but went through anxiety, a feeling of being trapped and all sorts, and each time she invited me to just let them in knowing that the thought of them couldn't do anything to me not matter how hard I tried.

 

I have been trying to do this on my own for a long time, but just couldn't do it. I either didn't fully understand the process, or I bottled it. Am I right in thinking that this is what you have been on about?

 

I was still about and about for 6 hours today what with therapy, 3 clients and a big shopping trip.... and there have been 70-something posts on the forum today! It's nuts! So I am quite shattered all things considered. 

 

Interested in this bit of the book you speak of for sure, if you can find it.

 

GAIL'S CORNER - The gail's corner was lovely I have added it to my image from before with the hill and the big tree we are sitting under. I like this endless field with the long grass and the thought of us walking through it! I want to add to this picture - I want us to be either side of Gailage in her pretty white frock and we are swinging her with our arms and brushing the grass with her legs enjoying the beautiful atmosphere that surrounds us. I can see a lake far off into the distance and some purple-topped mountains. We could be there in a matter of a thought, but we are having so much fun in the field, laughing and joking about how much more we didn't realise there was waiting for us in the Summerland. Makes me a bit homesick today, but I still like to hold this picture in my mind...

 

Love to you both...

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother! Really sorry to hear about your day! What your therapist did with you is exactly what I was on about!!!! So happy you have such a good therapist to guide in such a positive direction! Obviously I am biased because it works so well for me, but what she made you do is I exactly what was needed! 

 

From everything you are saying this sounds like it is withdrawal no doubt. So at least in a few days it should clear up. Still I know how tough it is to just get through minutes of this sort of depression! Must admit I am again amazed at how you carried on with your day!! That is incredible! So so proud of you! I just don't know how you do it!! You had therapy, then 3 clients, a big shopping trip and out for 6 hours!!! Man that is insane with such horrific depression!! Honestly you have such a courageous heart and soul!! Awe inspiring!! I really hope you feel proud of yourself brother!! As I said before remember the self compassion!! You really deserve some self love my brother!!! You should be so so proud of yourself!! 

 

So my day was pretty flat. I woke up tired and did some very short walks at the front and back. Then sleep and then now feeling tired and headachy. I had a bit of anxiety in the afternoon but nothing too severe. Last night I did another little reduction. But I since you are cutting it up, it is never exactly the same each night. 

 

Yeah I will try and find an online text! It is really is great man! And that image that pops into my head, I just love it! I has this profound meaning to me! I can't remember when it first came to me, but it is just there! Like some sort unconscious memory that just pops into consciousness from time to time. It is a spiritual memory - if that makes sense! A spiritual memory piercing into my human mind! What a feeling it gives just to think of it!! Something magical beyond words!! It is deeply comforting!! 

 

I am always here for you brother - always remember that!! We are in this together! I will be praying!! 

 

So so much love my brother! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Scrat, beautiful Gail's corner,. I want to go, so relaxing. And the description of your therapy, I like her approach. I hope you feel better as time goes by. Was this your last session? If you know the title of the book, and the author, let me know. You're more present on the forum.

And my beloved London, dying to know the title of that book! It's comforting, so, I need this.
Thank you Prince.

[gail]

Gail's corner,

A dream I had many years ago. I was at an airport in a field. I looked up and hundred presents
Beautifully wrapped in nice colored paper. They were all attached with a cord.

They were falling all over the place and then one big box that was meant for me.
For an unknown reason, I was not allowed to open it. In my mind it was from dad, the Father.
I wish it had continued, it stopped there. The colors of the gift wrap was so beautiful..

A short corner! Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hi Gailage...

 

I am feeling VERY homesick today. Earth just seems very empty with no love and no joy today. I was in a very bad place this morning and I would have done anything to be in our field. I'm afraid I do not know the details of the book that LDN is speaking of, but I am sure he will find it.

 

Very interesting short corner... I wonder if it will continue.

 

What I spoke of was my last session, and I used it today which helped me get to my second client today. It is going to take a lot of practise because it is doing something that our mind does not want to do - and is not ever used to doing. Your feel fear - so you run away from it - but this only works in the physical world, not in the mental world. When something is in your head, you cannot run away from it. You have to make friends with it. My therapist is going to spend more sessions doing this as I feel this is a skill which I will need for life. Maybe why this withdrawal depression has come around now so I can learn it. I could not learn it before as my depression was much better.

 

More from me later...

 

Much lovage - thinking and praying for you

[Polly38]

Wow IUN! I've just read your post from yesterday. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your therapist sounds fantastic! It sounds as if you are starting to get to grips with the method she is teaching you.

You deserve a break, especially for all the good work you do for others on here. I am praying for you my friend!🙏. Just wanted to let you know.

Polly