Been Off For 8 Weeks
Posted 14 February 2020 - 09:14 AM
But we had to euthananize him. When the first kid arrived, he could not take it and I had less time for him. He fell into depression, we tried many things, but at the end, he had to go.
Posted 14 February 2020 - 06:25 PM
So glad the weekend is here. This week has been really difficult, but I have managed OK. I think it could have been a lot worse had I not have taken time out. I am rally trying to find a balance here between work, study, me time, meditation etc. Very difficult. But I should have everything in place over the weekend. Unfortunately, it will be another busy day tomorrow, but I have nothing planned for Sunday and I intend to keep it that way.
Therefore my replies to the forum today and for next couple of days may be a little short, but I will maintain my presence here...
I was telling my cat about chinchin, and I think understood. They all know where they are going. Unlike us where our heads get filled up with all this unnecessary information that blocks our feelings, emotions and true knowledge of the Other Side, I am sure they don't suffer the same way. There are far more tuned in than we are. That's why I feel it would be far easier to be a cat sometimes!
Lovely story about all our fluffy friends! I cannot wait to see all my cats again. I cannot imagine anything more wonderful than a pet reunion!
Right - back to study... and I really need to get some meditation time in. I have been really lacking and it is coming through in my sleep as it always does. It goes within about an hour after waking, but I could really do without that tormenting hour wondering whether or not it will go...
Hope all is well - please keep me updated with everything!
Much love to you both.
Posted 14 February 2020 - 10:39 PM
Hello brother! Really pleased you are planning on taking some time out! This is very wise! Don't worry about posting on here if you have a break for a bit, just to clear your head!!
I am the same, sleeping a lot right now and head not working too fast, so I need to get in some rest. I have been walking a bit longer the last day or two in the garden which has been nice. I went to the pharmacist and a very brief stop at Sainsburys yesterday and today I made another brief trip to Sainsburys. So two smallish exposures which I came through well! But tonight I am feeling tired and my head just not so good!
I had a long sleep but I still woke completely knackered and found it so difficult to get out of bed but I had to get up to get some light. So really need to get in lots of sleep next few days.
I hope tomorrow isn't too demanding!! And definitely sounds good to keep Sunday completely off!!!
I know man animals reunion is such a beautiful thought!! We have so much to look forward to!!
I love you so much brother!
Posted 15 February 2020 - 08:35 AM
today, something different, more realistic. GRATITUDE will be the subject. To enumerate all the simple or big things that you are thankful for.
1- my morning coffee( when I don't vomit it like this morning) in a way, it was funny!
2- my friends at the forum, my kids
3- the forum itself. I love to help when I can!
4- my heating pad that comforts me
5- my tablet to play and connect via Hotmail
6- my electric foyer that warms the kitchen, where I spend all my time.
7- my comfortable bed to sleep reflect and cry
8- my financial budget which is enough
9- God, Jesus, the holy Spirit. I'd be lost without them, still am lost.
10-water to drink, to bathe
11-a comfortable but modest apartment.
12-eggs, strawberry pie with Greek yogurt.
13- I cry a lot, acceptance of tears, thank you
14- even though my cancer is advanced, I barely have any pain.
15- medication that I need.
I'll stop there, for now, if you wish to continue the list. Or if you have any ideas for other subjects, let us know, thank you London for this subject. Love!
Posted 15 February 2020 - 09:50 AM
This is a lovely idea Gailage. So many things we take for granted in this life... yes, even water, for the lovely bath I took last night. The air we breathe. So much that we need to stop and think about and be thankful for.
Heating pad sounds like a wonderful idea... Used to have one until it broke. Might need to get another one.
Posted 15 February 2020 - 06:07 PM
Well had a bit of time out today - went to see my usual friend, but also had to make a 20 minute stop to a client unplanned. But I have caught up a bit on study which is making me feel a lot better as I was worrying that I was letting it slip. Still more to do, but it feels better to be active in getting the work done.
Excellent exposure news man. Mixing up your walk is a good thing. Change is what is what well all need to adopt on the road to recovery. It is the bit that I certainly struggle with, but start slow and work your way up. I am also starting to plan little things for a few days in advance and do my best not to concern myself about them. This is all part of normal day-to-day living and I need to start getting back there... after 2 years. Just make sure not to rush it.
Hope you managed to get a good bit of sleep last night. The weather was waking me up a few times last night. Not sure what it is like in the City, but down here the wind and rain is crazy! Can feel the whole place shake sometimes! The sea is also really violent - very glad that we are a good 200 feet above! Really feel for all those people up north who are stuck with all the flooding. I can but imagine what must be going through their minds at the moment waiting for their houses to be torn apart.
Had some good meditation time last night too, which resulted in less stressful sleep. It only seemed to affect me once I had woken up and saw it was morning. When I went back to sleep it started again, but was short lived. I will carry on with the meditation and I know it will improve.
However, I've got this weird head thing going on, ringing ears all the time, not my usual tinnitus, but the sort you get after you have been hit round the head. Not sure what it is or whether it is exhaustion manifesting. Can't be sure, but it is causing a little bit of anxiety from time to time, so hope it disappears soon.
Right - time for some rest... look forward to hearing from you.
Much love brother
Posted 16 February 2020 - 02:29 AM
Which sea is it? Can you swim in it? Color of water? Do tourist go there? I'd love to have a picture of it.
You are right, change, we need change in our lives, specially us with mental issues.
I tend to be agorophobic, but yesterday and today, I was dying to go out and I did. Yeah!
Boy, was it cold! I'm grateful that I wanted to go out, things are looking up.
Grateful to have you on the forum. Lovage
Posted 16 February 2020 - 04:09 PM
Hi again Gailage!
Things have certainly been better for sure. Today has been a bit difficult. Think I am having a mini burnout. Felt exhaustion coming all week and this morning I woke up as if I hadn't slept at all. Ears ringing, head full of cotton wool and dizziness. Also had tingling in feet and fingers which was odd and BP was up to around 136/90 which is a little high for me. All this caused a bit of anxiety, but I need to accept that some days are going to be like this during recovery.
The sea is the English channel, and you can indeed swim in it. The colour isn't as good as other seas, but in clear weather it can look quite nice. I will send you a photo to your email.
Very glad that you found the place to feel you needed to be outside - this is great! My wife is also very agorophobic and hardly goes out, but she also gets these moments where she must go and get some air. So great that you went out though... just watch the cold! Very very proud of you my sweetpea. Let's see what happens from here...
Posted 16 February 2020 - 11:28 PM
Hey man, really hideous depression today. The pharmacist gave me a different brand of Chlorpromazine and it is a different size. So know when I am cutting it, I don't know exactly how much to take off. The last two days have been tough and today the depression was horrific. I don't know if due the different sized pill, I have taken more of than I planned and this has thrown me deep into a monster of depression. I honestly could hardly move and breath at one point. My body was completely frozen with it. Hellish.
I did managed my garden meditation and had a brief respite. I was feeling so awful and then had this image of my cat and my lost aunt on my shoulders. I touched them both and then felt a burst of joy. Then I had tears in my eyes, it was a deeply profound moment. I jumped up and sort felt a burst of adrenaline through my body. In that moment I felt safe and peaceful and excited! It didn't last but I am blessed to have had that!
The trauma of withdrawal is obviously hitting hard, as I have mentioned before to you.
I hope tomorrow goes well!
So much love
Posted 17 February 2020 - 07:43 AM
You are a spiritual being living human experience. You have a great relationship with God, this surely helps. And nothing lasts, you've been there before and you always come out of it. We all do. Love
Posted 17 February 2020 - 06:16 PM
Knowing how sensitive you are to the meds, it wouldn't surprise me if that were the culprit behind the depression. Do you not use microscales? This would be the best thing to ensure you are getting the right amount each time. This is for sure what I will be doing with my Citaolpram when the time comes. As the 10mg tablet is not designed to be cut, I will be taking 1 x 20mg and then cutting another 20mg in half to get the 20 + 10, and then shaving little bits of the half to get 29mg... all that way down. Don't care what it takes, I am not going through a nightmare withdrawal. I also plan on it taking at least a year or 18 months.
Despite the tablet bit, I really feel for you man. The trauma as you say, will be in the forefront of you mind the whole way. This only makes things that more difficult. Fortunately, today was a little better for me and I was able to get 4 hours of work and a shopping trip in. But I had the strangest sugar low about 3 hours after breakfast. It suddenly hit out of nowhere. Fortunately, I was near my parents between clients, so I popped in and ate a couple of biscuits which sorted it. But that is very strange. Also a bit of flatness today, but this I attribute to the physical downturn of yesterday. Three weeks ago I had a burnout, and then again yesterday. It's too much as I have to recover each time. Just gets me down. But I have to remember that there were times when I couldn't even get out to work due to depression. Need to keep focused. Not easy...
Great that you still managed meditation and that image must have been marvellous for you. Sure, it didn't last long, but it is the vision that matters. You can keep returning to it. The thought of it is something in itself. Was this during your garden meditation?
I really think the depression is the result of your recent online status, and getting too involved and the results which followed. We can get so wrapped up in all this and we don't even know what is happening to us at the time until we stop and take a step back from it all. Only then, when it is too late, do we realise the warnings that we should have heeded at the time. Hindsight is always perfectly clear....
So how did things go today? Any resolve?
Go easy with the exposures if needed - balance is a hard thing to find - just as I am having to do. Again, I need to realise that things have not been organised for over 2 years. I cannot expect to jump back into a routine that I was running back then. It is simply not possible. I really need to make sure I keep a track of things. For example, the 4 hours of clients, and shopping, plus the journey to the first client and back from the shopping and my day is hitting 5 hours. Given that most people do 8 hour days with an hour for lunch, I am only 2 hours off this, plus I do not stop at any point. It needs careful planning with time in-between. Maybe one for the therapist...
Much love dear brother
Posted 17 February 2020 - 10:47 PM
Hey brother. Another draining day. This depression is so exhausting. I woke from my siesta and thought 'imagine waking and just feeling normal'. Not for now. I am not with trauma, not good at all. And this withdrawal is bringing up SO SO MUCH OF IT! Plus my body is so sensitive, so my body is under assualt right now. Obviously with my cat and my mum and the pressures of online stuff, there is circumstantial stuff going on as well. So add the circumstantial stuff, plus the withdrawal biologically and then the intense stress and trauma of withdrawal and that is a horrible cocktail!
I am just trying to rest as much as possible and stick to my process. Walk outside, garden meditation etc. Must say my head feels so overwhelmed. For example people keep asking if I want to join a writing group. I would love to! But I can't because it is too much for me right now! Can you see how this is stressful? I hate having to say no and it is a great opportunity I am turning down, but I have no choice. It rubs in how weak I am. But I have to look on long term. I very tempted to delete my account but then it is an important step for me in terms of getting out into the world. I will have to discuss this with my therapist.
Anyway delighted to hear of your day going well! That is great man!! I am always so overwhelmed by your strength!! What an honour to know you! I was thinking of you today and just how well you are doing and it filled me with joy! It really did! To see you did 4 hours today is bloody brilliant plus shopping!! Honestly you need to know just how well you are doing brother! Seriously you are doing amazing! I really hope you feel proud of yourself!!
Yes the image came to me in garden meditation. Got about 50 minutes in yesterday and around the same today. It is my saviour being out there. Though I must say all this weather means the lawn is so so muddy!! But yes a stunning image. It came again today! I clenched my fists with adrenaline and had a big smile on my face for a few seconds. Then when I was having my siesta before I feel asleep I was thinking about my cat and it helped a lot! I adore her! What we had was a deep spiritual connection!
Ok man head is going!
I will be praying!!
Love you so much!
Posted 17 February 2020 - 10:50 PM
Gail bless you for those words! I am truly very blessed to have had such a moment, those moments are what we live for, even it only lasting a few seconds! I had the same image today! I clenched my fists with adrenaline and had a big smile on my face for a few seconds!!
WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS LIVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE - YES YES YES!!!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!
Posted 18 February 2020 - 06:16 PM
Beginning to feel what you must be going through at the moment - a cocktail indeed. Sounds like you just don't know which way to turn, which is understandable. The withdrawal will be bringing out a lot of emotion that was around at the same time, I am quite sure that all the memories are biological and emotional. You get one and you get the other. So it all comes back around again. I really wish I had an answer for you.
And of course it will be draining - we both know this well. It isn't enough that you have trouble with walking, but when you have the inability to actually get out of bed, that is when the insane frustration starts. It is such a nightmare to go through and it can feel like it will never end.
Unfortunately, although you have very kindly said of my inspiration to you for my day yesterday, today came another horrible wave of whatever it is. I woke up and just felt horrible. I can't really explain it, but I was laying in bed not being able to do anything. I couldn't open the blinds as the light freaked me out, the building noise was almost causing me to have a seizure. I wanted to get up and get on with the day, but I simply couldn't. It was like I was being tortured. I just lay in bed, frustrated, head spinning and not knowing where it had come from.
The wife gave me a dose of Kratom as she could see my convulsing starting, and this cleared it up and calmed me down very quickly. This then got me to a place where I managed three clients, but my therapy had to be cancelled as that was late morning. As this is now my second cancellation, that is my final strike. If I cancel again, that is it - no more therapy. I think that is a bit harsh as I have had 14 sessions now. Given that I am still getting ill, something need to be put in place. I said that I would still pay for the session, but they said it doesn't work like that. What on earth am I supposed to do? Inevitably, there will come a day when it happens again... am I supposed to go and have a seizure in the session?! This hit me quite hard as it worries me very much to loose my therapist.
It is probably a good thing that I couldn't get out of bed as I would have gone down to the neighbour downstairs and really kicked off. It has been over 18 months now - building noise - every morning. I can't take any more. I want some peace... but at the same time, I cannot deal with the stress of moving - and why should I?! Sorry man, but my life seems to have turned upside down in the last 3 days... after 4 months of improvement. Very difficult to stay positive when you are so scared of every morning. I just wish I knew what was causing it. I did an hour of meditation last night and felt great when I went to sleep. I will do more tonight, but I don't know that it is stress. I feel it is biological - but nothing has changed? This is what makes it so bad for me. I need something tangible that I can see as the reason for my symptoms - otherwise I struggle to see an end to it...
Looks like we have both got to help pull each other out of this one. I really hope we can struggle through this together.My thoughts and prayers continue for you...
So much love for you brother,
Posted 18 February 2020 - 10:48 PM
Hey brother! So sorry to hear of your struggle but massive congrats for at least still fitting in 3 clients, that is brilliant in the conditions!! Trust me brother you are a massive inspiration for me! If you have a good or bad day that doesn't change! We will pull each other together through this!! Absolutely!
My brain is just so dead tonight plus have therapy in the morning tomorrow so will have to be quite short I'm afraid. My day was better and I managed an hour in the garden. But oh wow the lawn is completely ruined with all this rain and then me walking over it again and again and it basically just a pile of mud. i really feel for my family having to see that everyday but I have no choice. That garden meditation is my life. Literally that is my key moment every day. It is like taking my brain out of my body for a break. I just have no concept of time at all. I come in and have no idea how long it has been. Just no clue. Like today it was an hour and I just had absolutely no idea it could be that long. It is the time my brain can just slow down and breath and be free. Honestly it the most important treatment of my mental health, bar none. Plus it when I feel most spiritually connected and sort re charges my spiritual batteries if you like.
I know how difficult it must be for you right now, with not knowing what is causing your symptoms. For me I find this easier than withdrawal as we have discussed but then I have had 8 years of mental problems. Ultimately I think of it like our brains aren't perfect machines, so we will have some strange states just randomly at times. There doesn't always have to be an exterior cause just sometimes our brain chemistry just does weird stuff on it's own! You are doing everything you can and so all you can do it just let go of what you can't control. I know I am a broken record here but in the end it was the only thing that worked for me. Plus keep up the meditation if you can. Especially as you have these quite extraordinary images come to you! The closer we can keep ourselves to our spiritual roots the better and if meditation can do this then fantastic! We always need to remember the bigger picture of what we are doing here and what is waiting for us!!
I will be praying my brave brave brother!! So proud of you!
I love you so much brother!
Posted 19 February 2020 - 05:47 PM
...we do have snow in the UK, but usually in the North. LDN and I are in the south, so we don't see much snow at all. If we do have any, it will only be for a couple of days and it will clear. The last time we had any was February 2018 I think, which was for 2 days.
Posted 19 February 2020 - 06:00 PM
I am properly broken and I do not know what is going on. I got woken up after about 5 hours sleep to what I can only guess was a wall being demolished in the flat downstairs. Earplugs did nothing. I was in such a state and really had enough. I was so exhausted, but the urge to get up and smack this bloke in the head was so strong. It is like torture man. 18 months of noise now. I honestly feel like I am going stir crazy.
I stayed in bed until it was time to go to work. As soon as I got going, I started feeling really weak, ears started ringing and I was dizzy. I nearly turned around and went home. But I did one client for 90 minutes, then had an hour break, then back out for 2 1/2 hours. That was it. I have been eating right, drinking plenty and it doesn't change a thing. It could be stress and lack of sleep I guess, but I cannot go on like this. I really feel horrible. No energy whatsoever.
Thank you for your lovely words of encouragement though. I do what I can - and it is just like you with your meditation and your walking. I know it would be a cold day in hell before you stopped doing that. It is the same for me. I just keep going until I absolutely cannot take any more. I wanted to get up and about again this morning, but couldn't. I had a small jolt of energy which got me up and to the car for the first client, but as I said, as soon as I was there... that was it. Energy had gone... dizzy... ringing ears. I just wanted to go home.
Anyway - how was therapy today? Any news to report? I was picturing you in the garden in all the mud! I had a picture of you in wellington boots!! LOL. Of course it is your life, and regardless of conditions or weather, you carry on. It is wonderful that you can do that. All my meditation in the morning and during the day is simply not possible due to the building works, but I do plenty before sleep. And I do not often wake until the noise starts. And an hour!! That is awesome... yeah, don't pay the clock any mind, You do what you do. And agreed that it is the best treatment for mental health which is why I am so annoyed that I cannot do any until after 4 or 5pm every day.
You are right that our brains aren't perfect machines, but I just wish I knew what was going on with my head. It hasn't been like this since before the homeopathic treatment. I have emailed my homeopath to see if the latest remedy could have anything to do with what is going on. If she has put me on a placebo, then this would make sense as it is just like what it was before I went to her - and the it is the citalopram doing its thing. Will see what she comes back with. But in the mean time it does worry me how long this will last as I cannot keep up work and shopping in this state.
Will see how it all goes. Any latest on your mum?! Not heard anything for a few days.... My prayers continue for you all...
Much love dear brother
Posted 19 February 2020 - 11:13 PM
Oh brother I am so sorry!! I wish I could do more! I was really thinking and praying for you in the garden today! I will keep on praying and I am always here for you brother, always!!
I must say to do a 90 minute client and then another 2 1/2 hours is sensational!!! Absolutely SENSATIONAL!!! I am MASSIVELY PROUD OF YOU!!!! I really hope you can see that you are doing so so so well and you should be so proud of yourself! You will overcome this patch! You will! Things change so quickly! We think there is no hope and then suddenly things change! From good to bad and bad to good! Your bravery and courage right now is immense. I mean every word I say!!!
Tonight I feel very agitated and edgy but my day was good and that is a blessing. Therapy went well thank you! I must say out in the garden I literally have no concept of time. I come in and it has been 50 minutes and I think it was 10 and I am like 'WHAT?? How was that 50 minutes'. Literally it feels beyond time. I never never check the time. I go out with no plan for how long I will be. I actually do wear wellingtons LOL!!! And every time bring in so much mud with me! It is literally uninhabitable without wellingtons! I do feel bad but I just need so much! I mean there is a tiny bit of grass on the sides but the middle is just pure wet mud!!! That is my rock and everything is build around that!
My mum seems well but still has pains and has a colonoscopy and endoscopy this Friday. So we will go from there. Your prayers mean the world!! Really!
You can make this man!! I am with you! I am praying! And don't forget the Summerland!! The bigger picture and what is waiting for us!!! So much joy and peace and love!!!!
I love you so much brother!!
Posted 19 February 2020 - 11:16 PM
Gail come whenever you want my love!!! LOL!! But you must bring boots because of the mud!!!! I always pray for you out there!! And I pat my heart and throw my arms in the sky to send my love to you!!
As IUN said barely ever snow! But rain!!!! LOTS OF IT!! But I love rain, so that is fine!!!
It is a great treatment for me, my most important thing!!!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Posted 20 February 2020 - 06:30 AM
I loved your post! It's good to be reminded of the reality of life. Thanks for that, I never hear it enough. The book I'm reading talks about just that, from good to bad and bad to good.
Prayer for your mom, I thought that she was ok.
What's in the garden? Vegetables? Just mud? God? Love
Posted 20 February 2020 - 06:28 PM
Another very bad start to the day. I woke up and immediately went into anxiety/stress shock. I just couldn't handle another day like yesterday. My ears were still ringing so I thought the worst. I almost went into a seizure because of the noise going on. I had 15mg valium and it did nothing! So had to resort to Kratom which cleared it up and sent me back to sleep in minutes. I really don't know where I would be without it.
I slept another 3 hours and woke feeling much better. I then saw a client at 2pm for an hour which was fine. I then did a secret exposure, which I didn't mention. I had a meeting with a client who is based a 35 minute drive away. For the last 2 years, I was dreading them asking for a meeting as I knew my anxiety would not allow it. But a couple of weeks ago, they came through and wanted a meeting. Knowing it would be worth it financially, I had to do it - either that or I would lose a client. But I did it... A 35 minute drive there... an hour meeting... and 35 minute drive back. It was half way to London man!! I haven't been that far away for a long time.
Unfortunately, after an hours break, I had another client and things went rapidly downhill. I felt awful. I also had to do a big Tesco shop and I just felt like I wanted to forget it all and go home. The stress was really getting to me. I just couldn't take it at all. It took me an hour to stop shaking when I got home before I could eat. I am feeling better now, but so fragile and very scared for tomorrow. I really do not understand what is happening to me physically. Ringing ears all day, shaking, weakness all over, not so much dizziness today. But no anxiety or depression - just stress. But the depression is creeping in quickly because it is messing me up right when I was doing so well.
Prayers for your mum continue and will look forward to hearing what is found out tomorrow about the tests. Very glad that you had a better day and that therapy went well. And no wonder I saw the wellingtons if you were wearing them yourself!! Kind of like Paddington! LOL.
Sorry to harp on about my woes again today, but it is SO tough at the moment. To wake up to building noise and knowing I have to work to get money, I have to do the shopping because the wife cannot. It is stress and responsibility combined and it is just too much. I just want a week of doing nothing - let the world get on by itself, to have someone shop for ME, someone else do the work and earn the money... just for a few days... but I don't have a choice, and it is that which gets me in the mornings. I need to find a way to be strong....
Much love brother
Posted 20 February 2020 - 10:54 PM
WOW!!! WHAT AN EXPOSURE BROTHER!!! I am so so so happy!! That is so so so massive!!! 35 minutes!!! What a barrier to break!! I know you have been saying 25 minutes was your maximum so to go straight up and top it by 10 minutes is amazing! Plus the way back, so 20 minutes extra!! Wow! Plus a 1 hour 10 minutes driving!! I am so so proud of you! Plus with all the stuff going on right now! I am in such awe here!! You are on another level!!! Just incredible! Seriously I am such blown away by the bravery you showed, incredible! With everything going on for you and you still do one of the biggest exposures of recent times!! That is so exciting for you and such an amazingly courageous step!! So so happy to hear this!!
Obviously I am sorry for the rest of the day. But as I said I'm sure it won't last. These things come and go when we are in recovery. It is never a straight line in recovery. Our brain will throw curve balls. I really feel for you in terms of needing a break and just having a few days off. I feel for you so much! Hopefully this weekend you can totally rest and just crash out! Amongst all this stress the one thing I can offer is to try and keep meditating. I woke with a headache and mental claustrophobia and felt like my brain just couldn't take in anything. Felt so mentally fragile and tender. But I got in a hour and 2 minutes in the mud LOL and it did me the world of good! Just in the fresh air (well sort of, it is a city) and my head was free. Turned off for an hour and just still. Sleep is really important but meditation is so important as well for that mentally re charging. My headaches always get better after time in garden. So maybe try and incorporate just little spells here and there of meditation through out the day. Plus it will keep your mind on the bigger picture! I have never known anything better for stress than meditation. Just slow everything down and be still.
I know it so hard not knowing what is causing this, but as much as you can try and just let go of what you can't control. This is something you can't control. Leave it sort itself out and it will. What you could control - the exposure - you absolutely smashed it!! So you are doing all you can do! You are smashing it from my perspective! Nothing but respect and awe to be honest!!!
Never apologise brother, that what it is all about with us!
I have that tired but a little wired feeling! Frustrating but generally a good day.
You are so so strong brother! So strong! Thank you for the inspiration! I will be praying for you!! Always here!
Love you so much brother!
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Posted 21 February 2020 - 06:42 PM
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I was disappointed that I had a down point afterwards as underneath it all I felt really good. It was the same distance to some of the heritage places that the wife and I would visit before all the crapola happened and I starting imagining being able to start doing that again. Even if it was just for an hour to walk around some gardens and come home, it would be amazing. I just need to get rid of whatever is going on with my physically.
Speaking of which... I woke up around 9am... force of habit after it happening all week, but there was no noise! I just started to drift off again and then it started. I just put my earplugs back in and hoped for the best. I didn't have any commitments until 5pm today, so I just decided I would rest and do nothing. I ended up sleeping for quite a lot of that time inbetween the noise. I then had stress return when I went to clients... I could feel myself tensing all the time. I just had to keep telling myself to relax every few seconds. But it worked... my legs, or arms, or chest would get so tight and then I would realise and just let it go. But in seconds it would happen again. I just had to keep going whilst trying to pay attention to the clients.
So I managed 3 clients and even a small shopping trip on the way home. So there was an improvement, but I just hope I can keep this going and get out of this hole that I am in. The key is relaxation. Hopefully the weekend will have less noise and I can get more sleep too. Only my friend to see and that is all. No other commitments at all...
Great that you got out in your mud pit again! It really doesn't matter about the mud though - it is more of the effort that you are making to just be outside - mud of otherwise. It is the environment. I know gardens in London are very sought after, so you are very lucky to have even the smallest patch. I have been listening to one of my favourite artists "Man with no Ego" and he includes some wonder proverbs in his music. It is nice having it there in the background to calm me down. I am going to carry this on for a while and just try my best to relax. I can feel my arms tensing as I type already!
Oh - and Friday - Mum's test day. Please let me know if there is any news. I sent a couple of prayers up for her during the course of today...
Much love to you all
Posted 22 February 2020 - 12:06 AM
Hey man absolutely brutal depression hitting me tonight! Feel desolate! Unbelievable despair! Just came out of the blue! Going over all my life situation! All the years of illness getting on my back! Feel so so bad! Really sorry brother! It is the depression talking but all the same not nice at all! I know when the depression isn't there I feel positive about my situation so I know my thoughts right now aren't to taken seriously! It's crazy how in the space of a few hours my life can go from seeming all good to my state now where I feel like this just cosmic isolation! This desperate desperate loneliness and sense of separation from the world. Anyway I don't want to keep going on about this, but I am sorry. My world just feels a bit turned on it's head!
Anyway again so proud of you for that massive exposure and really happy today was ok! 3 clients and a shopping is fantastic and I really hope this weekend can really be a time of some good rest!! I will be praying!
So far my mum results seem fine - thanks again so much for your prayers!!
Sorry for my state tonight but didn't want to lie!
So much love brother
Posted 22 February 2020 - 05:46 AM
How life can change quickly as you say. Good thing it doesn't last.
Happy for your mom, since you wrote later than usual, I was worried.
With hope that today is better for you my love.
Great post from Scrat, don't you think? Bravo again Scrat, you inspired me.
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