Hey brother! I have been thinking of you all day! I went to the Chapel to pray for you when I woke up!! I am rooting for you with everything I have got brother!! Wish I could do more!!
So happy your day seems to have gone a bit better!! Honestly you are being so brave!! Bravery doesn't just mean doing things outside, it definitely means sometimes just doing nothing. Or coping with your thoughts. That is why solitary confinement is a form of torture for many. So take nothing away from the magnitude of the challenge you are facing right now. Every day is a massive exposure and you are doing brilliantly!!! I am so so proud of you please know that!!
So went out in the field for over an hour again today. I walk to the top and then just walk slowly back and forth in a small area. Other than that just pretty tired. I had very very intense stress last night. All the new goings on and instagram getting to me, plus having to withdrawal in the middle of this. Plus being the country out of the blue. Plus just having done the video chat which was a massive exposure!! Plus the cv stuff!!
I just need to learn some discipline on it. The thing I am completely new to all this. No smartphone until January this year. Only got instagram then as well. So this all me learning on the job. Last night I had quite a few messages to answer and it just completely bowled me over. I am very tempted to delete it but both my p doc and therapist are very keen on me doing as part of my re intergration into the world. So as I say it is simply about boundaries and learning discipline on a completely new medium for me!!
My cousins wanted to come over on the weekend but my brother was completely insistent they shouldn't, so that created a bit of drama and then me and my brother always have political conversations which my mum finds stressful, in terms we both get animated. Me and bro get on so great but we have these intense debates which we enjoy, but others find too loud LOL!!! So anyway the cousins won't be coming over which they really wanted to, but my brother was insistent we follow the rules, and to be fair I need some time off anyway.
This last week has just been so mental for me. Like nothing bad has happened, in fact everything i have faced I dealt with really well but nevertheless it has been so intense and I just want to have a few days completely off and sleeping. Plus do some reading. Which I barely ever have time for now, which is such a pity. I can't lie I do miss my old life, but it is important for me to re-intergrate. I may well then choose to go and life a much slower life, but it is important I choose to live a slower life not be forced into out of anxiety - if that makes sense. So I have to do all this re-intergrating to move on from the anxiety and then if I wish I will go back to a much slower life. Still at least I have my meditation!! That is a life saver.
I was going to suggest to you reading maybe some books about the summerland or a similar area! Maybe just to remind you of what is waiting for you and fill you with some hope at the wonder and joy to come!!
Remember I am here for you brother! Plus I think your just such a legend!! I will keep praying and sending love!!
You are doing so so well and I am so so proud right now!!
Love you so much brother!!