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#1651 LDN

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Posted 27 March 2020 - 10:36 PM

Hey brother! I have been thinking of you all day! I went to the Chapel to pray for you when I woke up!! I am rooting for you with everything I have got brother!! Wish I could do more!! 

 

So happy your day seems to have gone a bit better!! Honestly you are being so brave!! Bravery doesn't just mean doing things outside, it definitely means sometimes just doing nothing. Or coping with your thoughts. That is why solitary confinement is a form of torture for many. So take nothing away from the magnitude of the challenge you are facing right now. Every day is a massive exposure and you are doing brilliantly!!! I am so so proud of you please know that!! 

 

So went out in the field for over an hour again today. I walk to the top and then just walk slowly back and forth in a small area. Other than that just pretty tired. I had very very intense stress last night. All the new goings on and instagram getting to me, plus having to withdrawal in the middle of this. Plus being the country out of the blue. Plus just having done the video chat which was a massive exposure!! Plus the cv stuff!!

 

I just need to learn some discipline on it. The thing I am completely new to all this. No smartphone until January this year. Only got instagram then as well. So this all me learning on the job. Last night I had quite a few messages to answer and it just completely bowled me over. I am very tempted to delete it but both my p doc and therapist are very keen on me doing as part of my re intergration into the world. So as I say it is simply about boundaries and learning discipline on a completely new medium for me!! 

 

My cousins wanted to come over on the weekend but my brother was completely insistent they shouldn't, so that created a bit of drama and then me and my brother always have political conversations which my mum finds stressful, in terms we both get animated. Me and bro get on so great but we have these intense debates which we enjoy, but others find too loud LOL!!! So anyway the cousins won't be coming over which they really wanted to, but my brother was insistent we follow the rules, and to be fair I need some time off anyway. 

 

This last week has just been so mental for me. Like nothing bad has happened, in fact everything i have faced I dealt with really well but nevertheless it has been so intense and I just want to have a few days completely off and sleeping. Plus do some reading. Which I barely ever have time for now, which is such a pity. I can't lie I do miss my old life, but it is important for me to re-intergrate. I may well then choose to go and life a much slower life, but it is important I choose to live a slower life not be forced into out of anxiety - if that makes sense. So I have to do all this re-intergrating to move on from the anxiety and then if I wish I will go back to a much slower life. Still at least I have my meditation!! That is a life saver. 

 

I was going to suggest to you reading maybe some books about the summerland or a similar area! Maybe just to remind you of what is waiting for you and fill you with some hope at the wonder and joy to come!! 

 

Remember I am here for you brother! Plus I think your just such a legend!! I will keep praying and sending love!! 

 

You are doing so so well and I am so so proud right now!! 

 

Love you so much brother!!

 

God Bless!


#1652 Lovey

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Posted 27 March 2020 - 10:37 PM

The more I stay away from the internet the better I am. No Facebook or Instagram Instagram for a week. Huge improvement for my mood. Highly recommend!! Makes more room for quiet space for God. Next cut is less screen time watching shows.Not out of control now but want to accomplish more than sitting thru 3 episodes of a show. Its a bit addictive!! Love you guys. Praying for us all.

#1653 LDN

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Posted 27 March 2020 - 10:44 PM

Oh and Gail there is no snow here!! Some dry mud in the field but mostly just green grass! At the top is just green grass!! 

 

Maybe when I am finished it will be mud LOL!!! After me walking over it so much!! 

 

Have fun my love with your solitaire!! And I am still so so excited and happy about your day of grace!!! Divine intervention!! YEAH!!! 

 

So proud of you as usual Gail!!! 

 

I am praying for you!! 

 

Love you my Princess!! 


#1654 invalidusername

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Posted 28 March 2020 - 11:22 AM

Lovey.... it is a difficult situation to try and keep away from the ongoing news. On one hand, it helps me get a picture of how the trends are going in Eastern Europe knowing full well that Boris will be following suit. Now that France and Spain have increased lockdown, it give him good measure to do the same in not being typecast a scapegoat if other leaders have done something similar.

 

But I reiterate the issues of mental health. More suicides, and as one of my friends (who is very much nameless as he is in a high enough political position) has raised concerns over the 26,000 women who suffer abuse from their partners daily, who have now had their privileges of going to the pub to appease their fix. When does the cure become more of a problem than the cause?


#1655 invalidusername

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Posted 28 March 2020 - 06:23 PM

Hey brother...

 

Very quiet forum considering the world is on lockdown! Wish I could be so occupied!! Thanks again for your prayers - they have indeed helped as despite waking to a bit of fear, I made a point of going out for a couple of hours. I went up to my parents and did some work on the car. Obviously I couldn't go in the house, but it was nice to know they were there. My mum made me a cup of tea and stuff. It helped a lot. Going to see if I can do the same tomorrow to keep some sort of schedule going.

 

Looks like we are set to see a rise in virus cases over the next few days as they are now testing 1000's of NHS staff. Bit bloody stupid in my opinion to have staff working with vulnerable people - but it is a catch 22 situation. Just think they could have got around to that a lot earlier. The Chinese were doing it as soon as it hit, so don't be giving me all that "the tests weren't available" tripe Boris!! Let's just hope it pays off.

 

It certainly feels like days are exposures to themselves. I never give them due attention. And whilst it might be difficult, I have to say I side with your brother in relation to your cousins visit. We all have to do our part and it is so difficult. But what I would say, is that once we have seen this lockdown thru to next Sunday, there is no reason why we shouldn't mingle carefully as none of us clearly have the virus - it'll only be the key workers. That is how I have suggested it to some clients as long as they don't see anyone else, otherwise the whole lockdown would be for nothing.

 

I was also fairly new to the smartphone stuff about this time last year. I just didn't want to go near them, but true enough, I wouldn't do without it now! But I stand firm on not letting the phone connect to the internet outside as I don't want all the social media, emails etc following me around everywhere. It is bad enough that people can call and text wherever I am!!! LOL

 

Wow - don't question the "nothing bad has happened" thing brother! You have been doing really well. As you say, all this stuff that has just been thrown at you one after the other. And I bet if you were told of it in advance you would have freaked out!! It is that you have got so much better at dealing with things as they arrive. You meet them head on and just do what has to be done. Very inspirational. Makes me want to do just that myself. I was very proud that I went to my parents an worked on the car when I can remember around 6 months ago I really had to push myself to do that. I remember staying in bed thinking "should I.. shouldn't I". I try not to question it now - I just do. And at least today I "just did"!!

 

Oh - don't forget the clocks go forward tonight!! One less hour we have to deal with the lockdown!

 

Totally understand about the slow life thing you say. But it is important to understand that it is not the anxiety whatsoever, it is you doing things properly. You need to stop and think about how far you are already. Think for a moment back to the ketamine days. Would you have seen you coming back and doing the Instagram thing? Then off to the country and not bothered about your cousins coming to visit? About have over an hour in the garden more times than not? No way!! This is your new normal man! You are doing things at your own pace and you are doing them well.... just keep a look on it.

 

My reading is still children's fiction at the moment. I love the escapism. But I still do not do enough. It was easier before the lockdown - sorry to keep mentioning it - but its true. My mind has been fixated ever since, but I think it is getting easier.

 

Anyway - will look forward to the country update...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless


#1656 Lovey

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Posted 28 March 2020 - 09:24 PM

Just stopping by to say hi. I am doing ok. Finally got to work on my drawing after a long sordid day...it was nice to get into the zone...

Sending love and comfort out to each of you.

Lovey

#1657 LDN

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Posted 28 March 2020 - 10:48 PM

Hey brother! So I broke my record outside today!! My record was 1 hour 24 minutes in the back garden in London and then 7 minutes out the front, so overall 1 hour 31 minutes. That was 2 weeks ago. Then today I woke absolutely knackered. My body felt so weak. But I went out to the top of the field and got in my rhythm and just kept going and going. Normally I don't have a sense of time, but today I knew I had beaten my record before I even checked because I could tell from the light what time it was. I know it get fully dark around 7 ish, so I could work out how long it had been to a degree. Anyway I only came in because I needed to have my sauna before it got too late. But physical energy wise I could have stayed out a bit longer I think, because I was in such a good rhythm. So I got in and it had been 1 hour 45 minutes!! Man like 45 minutes is good for me!!! If I get over an hour it is amazing! And here I was just 15 minutes from 2 hours!!! Unbelievable!!! I think reducing this drug must be giving me more physical energy! I can't think what else is going on! 

 

So 1 hour 45 minutes of meditation - unbroken. I was tripping almost at some points. Like I saw the clouds and I felt like I could reach out and touch them! It was mad!! I felt this deep deep connection with nature! I was thinking in a few years I might just camp out in the field and just meditate 24/7 imagine! Like it sounds so boring just walking back and forth for literally hours but actually it is one of the best things I have ever done in my life! It not only brings magical moments but also builds mental strength. You and your thoughts with no distractions. You have learn to live with them and be a peace with them. Then any situation you are stuck with your thoughts you don't have anything to worry about because you have got the practice in! 

 

Last night I got an hour of reading in, which I needed so badly!! Hopefully get some more in tonight! 

 

I am so happy to went to your parents and did some work on your car fantastic!! Do you think that is something you could incorporate into your everyday routine while we are still in lockdown? Great you are planning on going tomorrow!! And a massive congrats for going at all!! As you say 6 months ago it would have been more difficult, but now you just do it!! Fantastic stuff! And well done for having the get up and go!! Really proud of your attitude brother! Keeping positive and proactive!! 

 

Oh yeah and I saw a rat today - really close up!! I was just leaving the field and it was on the road. It saw me and ran towards me (!!!!) and then went down a hole. Plus it squealed as well!! Normally Chin Chin would be catching them!! 

 

Definitely ever day right now is a massive exposure for you and you should see it like that. Take real pleasure in getting through everyday as a massive achievement!! 

 

Your doing great brother and I will keep on praying! So proud right now!! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!


#1658 LDN

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Posted 28 March 2020 - 10:54 PM

Hey Lovey! 

 

Happy you could get some art in! Fantastic!! 

 

Prayers and love to you!!! 

 

God Bless!


#1659 gail

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Posted 29 March 2020 - 03:42 AM

Oh shit, I lost my long post. To resume, I'm impressed by all of you. Beautiful ❤️ posts. Thank you. Out of likes, love and lovage

#1660 invalidusername

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Posted 29 March 2020 - 05:32 PM

Just stopping by to say hi. I am doing ok. Finally got to work on my drawing after a long sordid day...it was nice to get into the zone...

Sending love and comfort out to each of you.

Lovey

 

Right back at you Lovey. Good to hear from you as always. Amazing that you have got into the zone - I am finding it really tough. But starting writing little lists of things that I can do inside, as much as I want to be out and mixing with someone other than my wife!! As harsh as that sounds!! LOL!!


#1661 invalidusername

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Posted 29 March 2020 - 05:36 PM

Oh shit, I lost my long post. To resume, I'm impressed by all of you. Beautiful ❤️ posts. Thank you. Out of likes, love and lovage

 

Gailage!! What happened to your post?

 

There is a little link at the bottom left of the box you type your reply into that reads "Last auto saved: xx.xx.xx". If you click on that, it will return your text to the last point it saved, which is every minute I think. It took me a while to find that, but it is really useful!

 

Long day here... very long day. Really want more outside...

 

Lovage.


#1662 invalidusername

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Posted 29 March 2020 - 06:14 PM

Hey brother...

 

That is quite some record man!! Seriously well done! No idea how you will have done that - but is certainly getting your "one form of exercise" permitted for the day!! Really makes me want to be out in the country. I think it would help being somewhere different that would make you want to be outside somewhere different for longer. But it really sounds like you are at a very crucial point in your meditation, just like those babas in India and the gurus in the Himalayas who spend the whole day in meditation. Maybe you are right about the withdrawal giving you this energy. Again, an amazing feat of strength there - not of the physical so much, but of the spiritual. Awesome!

 

I did get a little in myself before sleep last night, but the length was unknown as I soon fell asleep. Today has been a bit of a hit and miss. I didn't get to my parents as the weather was really bad, but I still got 30 minutes of walk in - I am really starting to feel like a caged animal here. It is just not right for a social species to be contained for so long. It is really making me realise just how small my flat is too! Other than the kitchen and the bathroom, we only have the one large room which doubles as the bedroom and the lounge, so we are all day in the one room. It really gets to you looking at the same four walls 24/7.

 

The worst part is all this talk of things getting worse before they get better. Boris wasting taxpayers money on sending out a leaflet telling everyone what to do - like we don't already know. 6 million quid man! I weep when I think how that could be used to buy tests and what not. What an idiot! My opinion of him has gone right through the floor. I recall him saying that we will never have a problem with the virus while he was off on an extended holiday in the Caribbean. Now he has the damn virus, he wants everyone to be locked up for longer. It is not so much my anxiety now as it is my sanity! Sorry to bang on about it, but I am really feeling the constraints of it all...

 

Strange about the rat for sure!! But inevitable that it would make you think of chinchin! Like you say, it would probably not be with us if chinchin were still around! 

 

Well please fill me in on more of the country - give me some escapism! 

 

Much love and another massive well done for the record breaking!!

 

God Bless


#1663 LDN

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Posted 29 March 2020 - 10:02 PM

Hey man! Yeah I think the drug Chlorpromazine was making me more tired, so I think reducing it might well be the reason. I just don't jump 14 minutes up from my record in 2 weeks normally. It would normally be over 6 months or so. So I'm not getting carried away. But still I'm sure it will do me good getting almost 2 hours of fresh air and good for my legs to get the exercise. I walk very slow LOL, but it is still exercise isn't it? But yeah mainly spiritually it was awesome. It showed how far I have come with my meditation. You really do sort of leave the world, leave your body. It is definitely a trippy experience but just more wholesome. Plus it makes to super sensitive in a good way. So you will feel the wind on your face, as you have never felt wind before. I remember yesterday I had this feeling when I looked at the view that I was in a painting, which is exactly what happened when I had my ketamine trip. Also as I mentioned I looked at the clouds and felt as if they were just centimeters away. It really is just sort of taking yourself out of your shell for a few hours. Just calms everything down. Slows everything down. It sort of refreshes the system! Also even though you are on your own you feel this deep connection with nature, so you don't feel alone. 

 

Today I went out for about 42 minutes, so still decent. Obviously it get light later now which is nice! I got up at 5pm because of the clocks changing. It has been pretty restful. Still a little bit edgy with all the changes though. 

 

The farm I see from the field have been burning stuff, and it looks pretty cool seeing the rising smoke! I saw a pheasant today, no more rats LOL! 

 

My therapist messaged me to do tomorrow, so I have to get up a little earlier. 

 

I can see your frustration man, I really can. I wish I could do more to help. Have you thought about going on longer walks? Like along the sea? Or maybe driving somewhere and then going on a walk? My brother and sister and dad went on a walk for nearly 3 hours the other day. They say you can go on one walk a day, but not for how long!!! 

 

I know you will get through this man! 

 

I think apart from South Korea and Singapore and Germany - most countries aren't handling it well. But the key is testing. Mass testing, then those without it can go to work. And those with it can self isolate. Plus obviously Germany have a much better health service than us. One thing that might come out of this is that the population might wake up to how underfunded and on it's knees the NHS is. Obviously we know all too well unfortunately. I was thinking that since you going to to your clients is normally just 2 people I assume, then it's not a mass gathering at all, so I don't see why you can't get back to work as soon as possible. It sounds like what you said last night you have things planned which is great. As you say after this period we will know we don't have it. 

 

Have you got a client tomorrow? I hope that goes well! Plus maybe you do some work on the car? 

 

As I said every day is a massive exposure for you right now and you are doing superb!! I am massively proud of you smashing these exposures each day!! So proud and inspired!! 

 

Keep it up brother!! I am praying for you!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!


#1664 LDN

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Posted 29 March 2020 - 10:05 PM

Hey Gail!! 

 

I remember you asked me to describe a God moment. For me I would say a moment of peace, calm, stillness, joy, knowing everything will be well, knowing God loves you, no worries at all, everything perfect for that moment. Feeling so much happiness! There is no better feeling you can experience!! It can make you cry with joy! 

 

How would you describe it my love?? 

 

God Bless!! LOVE!


#1665 gail

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Posted 30 March 2020 - 06:49 AM

Hi London,

God moments: perfect peace, smiling, intense joy, seeing with new eyes, happyness, gratitude, knowing this is God's doing. I could live with this every day,

It happens rarely, and when it does, my eyes go to God. It must be the feeling you have in heaven. With love to you London!

#1666 invalidusername

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Posted 30 March 2020 - 06:13 PM

Hey brother....

 

What you describe sounds absolutely wonderful. What I would give to be at that stage of meditation. Thank you so much for sharing it because it spurs me on to keep at it. I have had moments before which have convinced me of the points that can be reached - I just need more practise and time. What you were saying about the scenery turning into a painting reminded me of the film "What dreams may come". Have you ever seen that? If you have you will know exactly what I am talking about. If you haven't, it is for sure one not to be missed. It is the closest thing I have seen representative of heaven. I can't direct you to a clip of it as it will be a spoiler for the whole movie.

 

The clocks have done the same to me - my system is an hour out of whack. It will sort itself out, but it might be a few more days yet. How did you get on with your therapist? I have been fortunate to move my slot to later in the afternoon as my therapist doesn't have all slots full at the moment as not everyone will subscribe to Skype methods of therapy.

 

They sure don't say how long the one for of exercise can be, but living next to sea, it doesn't make the walk that much to be honest. I have done it so many times before, it just feels like you are killing time - doing it for the sake of doing it if you know what I mean. That is why it would be amazing to be in the country as you have so many different routes you can take unlike the suburban jungle where everything is mapped out for you. 

 

You are so right about what you say about the virus. I was talking to a client on skype today and they were saying they would much rather be in the UK at the moment with the NHS than in Europe - I totally called them on it. Where on earth did they get that from? If the NHS were able to cope, would they have asked retired staff to come back? Would they be asking 1000's to volunteer? Hell no. Boris is a lucky bastard that the English will stand up for their own people. Other countries wouldn't need to do that. They may well anyway, but at least they would be getting potentially infected people working and mixing with others. If you want a job doing, do it yourself. Always the way us Brits end up!!!

 

With regards to the work, you are right, but technically it is work rather than a "gathering" and I am not classed as a key worker, so am not allowed to work. So your logic is there, but I think people will come round sooner rather than later. Once these 3 weeks are up, the people will be expecting some relaxing - especially after everything we - the tax payer - has done to help. Spend the tax payers money on sending a letter to every home in the UK and then ask them to help pay it back. Compete joke. I tell you churchill would have had this sorted in no time. If in fact we got it in the first place.

 

I had two skype clients today, and another one tomorrow. But I also went for a second walk to the town to get food shopping. Mrs Scrat was really not doing well, so I was running about a bit. I also had a new client get in touch and he actually came over this evening. I wore my mask for safety and discussed requirements outside of the flat, but he was a very interesting chap and had some really interesting thoughts on the whole cv thing. We had a chat for about 45 minutes, and that really helped me get some much-needed social contact. Skype is all very well, but it is a false reality. As soon as you hang up from Skype, I get that sobering effect again that I am still caged inside my flat.

 

Thank you for the post in the other section - was good to read when I woke up. Will look forward to tomorrow. Thanks again for that lovely description of the meditation walk. That's a keeper for the inbox!

 

Prayers also continue this end for you - and all others on the forum.

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless


#1667 LDN

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Posted 30 March 2020 - 11:04 PM

Hey brother! My head is weird here so will be a short one! Ok day. Had the therapy, which was basically just filling her in on the last week. Then been pretty flat really. Right now I feel pretty depressed to be honest. No thoughts triggering it, just a chemical thing, or maybe related to withdrawal. Still feel weird. Happens from time to time. I struggle a lot with my self worth and all that sort of stuff. 

 

My brain is just really dry and empty right now brother, so I apologise! 

 

Really happy you could chat to a client today in the flesh, that must have been really nice! And massive well done for the 2 skype clients!! Great you could get 2 walks in as well!! Well done for the shopping! 

 

I have ordered some supplements but they were meant to arrive ages ago, and the number is down!! They say they have such a backlog they can't take calls! So I have no idea when they are meant to come!! What if I buy some more from another source and then they both arrive at the same time? I can't cancel because their number is down! Very annoying situation!! 

 

Out of interest have you thought of driving out somewhere and going for a walk there? Are there some woods nearby? Or somewhere near your parents? That could be a bit of escapism and be something different. Legally I think you are allowed to do that! The government minister criticised the Derbyshire police for their drone stunts, if you say that? So I take that to mean it is ok to drive somewhere for a walk? Just an idea! 

 

I haven't seen that film 'what dreams may come', but sounds great!! 

 

Please you enjoyed the description of the meditation! It rained a little when I was in the field today, which I loved, as i love the rain! 

 

Just feel quite mentally claustrophobic today and everything being a bit too much for my slow brain to take in!! 

 

Keep up the brilliant work my friend!!! I asked my mum to pray for you!

 

Love you brother!! 

 

God Bless


#1668 LDN

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Posted 30 March 2020 - 11:06 PM

Hi Gail! Thank you for that description - beautiful!! 

 

I hope you are well!! I am praying for you!! 

 

JOY IS COMING MY LOVE!!! 

 

All my love to you!!! 

 

God Bless!


#1669 gail

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Posted 31 March 2020 - 08:53 AM

Hello Scrat

It is important to mention that those God moments come out of the blue. Sure, meditation helps, but it's a gift from God. Meditation or not. They come when you least expect them!

Our government is also asking for retired people to come back to help!

Three weeks won't be enough to get to the point of relaxing. The numbers are getting higher and higher. I expect three months at least. Good idea to take your car near the woods and go walking from there. God is easily reachable in the woods. I always had good moments walking through the woods. my favorite place.

Sweet London , going through one of the down periods. But self worth, I just can't imagine this, of course it's the depression talking. The walk up the hill is a real treasure for you. Given the meditation, it makes it easier to connect with God. But it is not a must! All my God moments did not happen because of meditation. It's a gift my love.

My big day tomorrow for my appointment with the specialist, I'm so eager to go. It's growing every day. Driving me on edge specially in the morning. Had quite a cry this morning, the WHAT IFS , what if she cancelled. I want the day to pass real fast. Once in her office, I'll be secure. Prayers for faith and hope please. Thank you.

So yesterday was my first day to feel cooped up in my apartment, I asked Denis to come for dessert and talk. All precautions taken. It helped to get out of my head, and think of others than myself. A relief. Love and lovage!
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#1670 invalidusername

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Posted 31 March 2020 - 05:20 PM

You are also expected to come in and help?! For goodness sake. I thought it was just the NHS!

 

If you look at Germany - now there is a country who has it under control. I would be there given the choice. They will be back to normal by the end of the week I expect!!

 

Canada is behind us so I think you have a little further to go :(

 

Horribly ironic that you said "what if" she cancelled and she did. Again, I am so sorry about that. Glad you had some social contact. I haven't had any today. Went out on my walk a little too late and there was no-one around...

 

Lovage


#1671 invalidusername

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Posted 31 March 2020 - 05:42 PM

Hey brother...

 

No worries for the dry and empty - feel very much the same myself today. Day 9 of this rubbish and it has really started to change me and I don't like it. I can feel myself getting used to this different way of living - and not in a good way as it is not how it should be. I really do think we are going to see a lot of cases of anxiety when this nonsense is done you know. Yesterday was a good day I grant you - that was great to be out more and have some social contact, but that all "dried" up today. Thanks for the encouragement for yesterday though - really appreciate that.

 

What on earth is going on with the supplements?! That is crazy! This is what businesses do at these times. They take the orders so they have the money and worry about fulfillment later. It is not right. Is it the worst thing if you have more if you order from another place? Everyone else is stock-piling, why can't you!!

 

Yes - I saw in the headlines yesterday that a man got charged for driving somewhere to take a walk. It is very dodgy if you ask me - it is almost totalitarian with the rights the police have been given. They can come into your home without a warrant and arrest you on charges of suspected coronavirus law and take you away. Again, it is absolutely not right. Makes you wonder...

 

You really need to see that film man. I don't know if you can stream it somewhere, but you can get the DVD for about £2 on eBay! It is really worth it. 

 

Did some meditation last night and did its job insomuch that I didn't have distressing dreams, which have been frequently lately. I will continue and try to get back to where I was. I really have not been doing enough.

 

Again, thanks for the prayers. Always continuing this end, starting with breakfast. I always have a quiet word over breakfast before I face the day. I make sure that I cast a thought for everyone else waking up to this. 

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless


#1672 LDN

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Posted 31 March 2020 - 10:36 PM

Hey man! Sorry to hear about your day. Do you have anything planned for tomorrow? I think you have a kid on wednesday? 

 

I woke feeling rubbish and last night as well. Really intense mental claustrophobia and just feel this stress over withdrawal. I find the cutting the pieces of my pill so anxiety provoking. Especially as now it is pretty small, the scales I bought i couldn't work. I am trying to remember 'is the same as yesterday or smaller or bigger!!!'. It's got to the point they just look the same now! I have had headache pretty much all day and just feel mentally run down. Like my brain just can't take in information without it being a MASSIVE effort! Everything just feels too much. The feeling comes and goes, but I have to say if hadn't had years and years of so many mental health conditions, I would be immensely struggling right now!! 

 

I did have some relief when I went to the field! I had another massive session! Which was just what I needed! My stress before the meditation session and after was so pronounced it was ridiculous! I was out for 1 hour 34 minutes, but it is hard to believe it was that long. I came in and was like 'what??'. I saw my brother and sister leave for a walk and then was still just doing my thing when they came back, so knew it was a decent length but not as long as it turned out to be! 

 

Ah man my headache right now is so heavy!! Damn! Like my brain feels so tense if that makes sense! Like a burning sensation! Like everything is tight in there! Making me feel really spaced out!! 

 

Oh yeah the rooks poo everywhere man!!! You should see our car!! I saw one do it in live action LOL!! But seriously the car and the everywhere there are these massive white stains! It looks spilled white paint!! There are at least 3 separate trees they have made loads of nests in!! It is a proper infestation man!! 

 

100% agree with what you say about Germany! I mean our economy is the very similar sized to theirs, yet they have SO many tests across the country!! Have the you seen the death rate in Germany? That shows you what a proper response with lots of testing can do. Obviously I am biased to Germany, but the stats speak for themselves! 

 

Yeah police stuff is very dodgy, some legal people have mentioned this I have noticed!! Real legal issues have come up from this! 

 

So if we are 9 days through then almost half way man!!! So we are getting there!!! Again you are doing blooming brilliantly!! Remember to remind yourself everyday 'what I am doing is the ultimate exposure for anxiety sufferers!!!'. I really am so proud of how your handling this!! I just hope you can keep being self compassionate and positive towards yourself and how well you are doing!! 

 

Happy the mediation could help your dreams! I really look forward to watching that film man! Have you seen 'the tree of life' by Terrene Malick, it is pretty obscure to put it mildly but some of the visuals are just stunning and it very spiritual film! As I say the plot is basically impossible to follow, very abstract. 

 

Yeah the supplements stuff is ridiculous, let me buy them but then turn off their phone and won't answer emails and I have no idea when they will come. As you say they shouldn't sell them if they can't deal with customers. Still you are right in that i could just buy some more. Thing is they are difficult to find. Plus I had deliberately ordered extra from them with this in mind!!! So I have extra amounts coming already!! So annoying! 

 

Keep up the great work brother!! Really really proud as I say! I am always here!! Together we will come through this! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!


#1673 LDN

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Posted 31 March 2020 - 10:43 PM

Hello Gail! 

 

Oh I am so so sorry to hear about the cancellation! That is disgraceful!!! 

 

I really hope they can re-arrange very soon!! They must do this!

 

I am going to be praying for you my love!! God and Jesus love you and are there with you my love!! You always have God and Jesus with you! 

 

Yes it is very true the God moments come from the blue not just meditation, sorry I didn't mean to sound as if that was the case. They can happen anytime and anywhere! 

 

Ah you had your desert time with Denis - lovely! Lucky Denis! I am pleased to hear that my love!! 

 

Praying for faith and hope my love! 

 

You are doing so well! Very very proud of you!! 

 

So much love to you!!! 

 

God Bless!


#1674 invalidusername

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Posted 01 April 2020 - 05:24 PM

Hey brother...

 

Yes you were right - I did have a real face-to-face today! Was an hour but I stretched it out to 90 minutes with conversation and such as I wanted to make the most of it. Also had my therapy which was good - I addressed this in my corona conversation thread. Bad news being that I had a really horrible dream, despite the meditation before, but wasn't that much of a meditation as I soon fell asleep. I spoke with my therapist about it and we agreed that it was symbolic of me being trapped inside my flat. The dream was that I was trapped in a town that was formerly occupied by circus-folk, which scare the crap out of me, but it was desolate and run-down, yet somehow I was trapped there. I was just walking aimless about the place and occasionally running into these weird people. It was fearfully freaky and I never want anything like it again. Caused me a lot of problems for the first 2-3 hours of the day. I just couldn't shake the scenes from my head.

 

Sorry to hear about the old mental claustrophobia again man. Horrible feeling that as you help me diagnose. And I can imagine that just little things like the pill cutting can aggravate this sort of thing. It is stuff that needs to get out of our head and it can't. I know you are used to being inside and with limited exposure to the outside, but the whole virus thing won't be helping. You can feel it everywhere. Even if you try to take yourself out of the line of fire from the news and social media, the energy will find you and upset the balance all the same. But like you say, you have years to look back on and how you coped through much worse.

 

Another 94 minutes too! Bloody awesome! That's the same amount of time that I have been out today! But it is when you lose track of time that you know you are on to something good. It is like when I am doing my art, or I am listening to new music that I find. I can get washed away with it and is great.

 

Can you not take anything for your headaches? They sound like a right nightmare. I hope it isn't anything like when I had my eye incident a few months back. Pains in the head can be so difficult to diagnose as well - so as long it is short term.

 

Speaking of Germany, I have a friend out there that during exercise on a bike fell and broke her wrist. Within the same afternoon they had done the operation and had her sat up in bed on pain killers. Says it all really. 

 

So now we are half-way through our 3 weeks, but I sincerely doubt we will see anything lifted at the end of it. As much as we might want to, I think we will be looking at another 2-3 weeks before they do anything. I hate to think of it, but they need to consider us to some degree. We aren't as bad as Italy, we aren't as bad as Spain... but the economy is already crippling. I know it is a tough situation, but what really worries me is that by the time I am due my payout in June, there won't be anything left. They can change their mind - we have seen them do it. I also think they are delaying the payout as they know - as stats are already stating - that in 3 months 42% of small business will be bankrupt, so they will have less to pay out. Man I am so ANGRY! I sent a text to my landlady today, around 2pm, about the rent, and she hasn't replied. Been poo'ing myself all day - much like your infestation!!

 

Right, I need to calm down. Maybe watch a flick. I can't have another night like last night... Hope you had a better day brother...

 

Love you man

 

God Bless


#1675 Lovey

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Posted 01 April 2020 - 09:12 PM

I feel like my heart is collapsing inward.
Such sadness. Please pray for me.

#1676 invalidusername

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Posted 01 April 2020 - 09:33 PM

I feel like my heart is collapsing inward.
Such sadness. Please pray for me.

 

Awwww Lovey - I knew there was a reason why I did one last check of the forum before sleep.

 

I will say a little prayer for you before I sleep sweetpea.


#1677 LDN

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Posted 01 April 2020 - 09:37 PM

Hey brother! Oh I have calmed now but I set off the smoke alarm at 2 am by burning my rice! I felt so close to caving in at that point! Felt so annoyed and angry at myself but these things happen. Thankfully my meditation gives that little extra time before I react to an emotion. So while I felt like crying and smashing stuff on the inside, on the outside I managed to keep pretty calm and now i am seeing the fruits of that. In the moment the emotion is just so intense and overwhelming, but it can very soon ease. As I have learned over the years you just have to somehow keep calm during that initial wave of emotion and if you can do that it is so so much easier to move on. An hour ago felt a complete mess but as I say thankfully things have settled. When I heard the alarm going off I thought 'oh ffs!!, this is just too much!!!'. 

 

Another than that epic mess been at bit of flat day. Woke up late, when in the field for a bit, then slept again. Really just resting. As I said yesterday I dread to think of how I would be handling this intense mental claustrophobia and bouts of stress that the withdrawal bring without all the years of practice behind me!! It really means your on edge and my brain is just super sensitive to noise and stuff like that. As I said before just feels like your brain can't process anything!! 

 

Really happy you could get out for the client today!! Well done for extending it!! Nice! And happy you had therapy as well! I caught up with that on the corona page! I totally agree with what she said!! 

 

Have you got anything planned for tomorrow? As usual I will be praying! I have been in awe of how well your dealing with everything this whole period! 

 

The headaches are weird because my head will feel terrible then very quickly feel fine! It is weird! The headaches come and go throughout the day. but mostly for short spells. Still adds to the general on edge feeling I have!

 

Really sorry about the dream man! I hope you managed to get a nice night in! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!


#1678 LDN

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Posted 01 April 2020 - 09:41 PM

Hi Lovey! I am so sorry! I will be praying for you!! 

 

Remember God loves you so much!! All will be well!! 

 

We are all here to support you!! We will make it!

 

Love and God Bless!!!


#1679 Lovey

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Posted 01 April 2020 - 09:49 PM

I am just nearly besides myself worry and anguish are consuming my joy. Much ongoing strife with mom and it has always been this way. She is volatile and unpredictable and impatient and has a violent vile temper. She is staying NEXT DOOR TO ME and it's totally messing with my head.

#1680 Lovey

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Posted 01 April 2020 - 09:54 PM

She has terrible boundary issues and EVERYTHING IS AN EMERGENCY with her!!! She will be there for 16 more days until her new house is ready. She is invasive and does not understand I need my space and extra sleep. She often needs technical support help or emergency questions answered that are not actually emergencies. Texts me at 2 am complaining about a neighbor's car. Phone is always on silent when i sleep but that doesn't stop her from walking over and ringing the bell multiple times until i get the door. She is unreasonable to try to reason with. Total hothead, no regulation of emotions. Takes ADDERALL and it makes her worse than before. Awful!!! Unbearable!!!! Send help!!!!



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