2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

 Dear Gail I hope that anesthesia wears off soon then. At least then the depression should be better. So so tough for you right now. My heart hurts for you. 

 

I will be praying and holding your hand!!  Remember I'll always be with you! 

 

LOVE

[LDN]

Hi NotMyself thank you for that post, it really lifted me. I like the idea of this being my 'desert' phase, what a great way of looking at it! What you say is very true about comparison. I always do it so much at the moment. My mind is stuck in these thoughts patterns of constantly wanting what others have. The irony is that with my yearning and searching soul I wouldn't be happy with living a life of a healthy body and materially 'successful' but spiritually poor, as I think many do live. I don't mean to judge them but more a observation out of compassion. Do you have any tips for breaking this patterns of comparison? I hope you don't mind me asking, but I can tell from your posts you are deeply spiritually evolved. 

 

That's a nice plan for the Quaker meeting, I wish you all the best on your journey. I agree that we are so lucky to have access to so many spiritual gifts now, and can learn from other cultures. 

 

I see you are in Scotland. I've only been once, but it was stunning. I went to Perthshire, I loved it, though it was early summer and the amount of bugs was crazy!!

 

Love and prayers

[LDN]

I ran out of likes IUN but great words! I hope things ok your end? I love that story of your time in Cornwall, it sounds magic. This summer I hope I am well enough to go down to Somerset with my parents. The village we are in is so quiet and still, apart from maybe a tractor in the distant field. It's a different world, down there. When I look out of the window in London it just seems a bit hollow, no one smiling, everybody doings jobs they hate, as I mentioned the manic pace. Obviously I'm only looking at one side of things, but at the moment I'm very sensitive to these aspects of it, that maybe when I was younger and less spiritually developed I hadn't noticed. At the moment the thought of living in a cave on my own sounds quite nice actually. Just me, nature and God. With all my medical team in London, unfortunately I'm stuck here for a while. Still it's means I have plenty of exposures. Some times on my walks I am completely calm and at peace, I feel confident in my new identity. However, I'm not there consistently yet. When your body is so weak that you feel you might collapse, you need to be really strong mentally. So if I'm in a bad depression and so physically weak it's hard to keep it together. 

 

I saw my ME doctor today, so was out. In the afternoon I had suffocating depression, nasty nasty stuff. It's inhumane really what my mind does to me. Just floated through it though. My enthusiasm for most things apart from this forum and spiritual reading are pretty non existent. Just feel there is no fire within me. I feel grey. Weak mnid, weak body. 

 

Still I have lots i want to read and also love coming on here! Funnily enough in my dreams I can listen to music! Last few nights have dreamt of it. Love dreaming, what adventures I have. I've lived for my dreams in many ways over the last few years. 

 

Praying for you brother!!

 

God Bless

[fishinghat]

Alright. You are really screwing with my mind now. I new what a kiddie was but a midgies in the USA is a family of small swarming bugs. When I googled 'Scottish midgie' it said to see midden. When I looked at midden it said a dung heap or manure pile. Do they snack?

[invalidusername]

Sounds like a load of crap to me

[fishinghat]

I am doing fine  NMS. Yes we have midges here also but our species don't bite (thank goodness) but we have mosquitoes the size of small birds.  lol

 

Thanks for clearing that all up for me. Always interesting in learning something new.

[fishinghat]

The state of Louisiana us about 25% swamp. Of course the swamp being what it is. is full of mosquitoes. After decades of jokes about the mosquitoes the legislator voted the lowly mosquito as the official state bird even politicians have a sense of humor..  

[invalidusername]

This reminds me of the story you told about your cousin, Hat... and those little red critters

 

Not sure how well I would survive in your neck of the woods...

[invalidusername]

Hey LDN - looks like your thread has been hijacked a little during the course of the day! I will make this a light read as you will need to catch up.

 

I really know the depression you speak of - the motivational vacuum that occurs can be a down-right nightmare which seems like it will never remove itself.. but to does. I am very glad to say that both wife and myself are enjoying a very chilled out evening. They do happen! Goodness know how and why it has occured, but here is some proof. Just nice to know it is at least possible. Just want to be able to know what to do so I can replicate it again!!

 

Think it is lovely that you can reach these lovely states in your dreams. Strangely enough, I had something similar last night. I once remember listening to an entire concert in a dream. I could even remember some of the melodies when I woke up. Fascinating stuff - really is.

 

I sincerely hope that you may have had a similar experience today, as we seem to be following a similar pattern of late. I will wait and find out in the morning. Time for some light reading an meditation before I turn in this end.

 

Thinking of you brother. 

[LDN]

'Then contemplate on the paradox that we are all one Essence, so again, comparison is futile!' Spot on NotMyself! That's the key point I think. Whenever I remember that it makes me feel so much better! We are all connected, all one. Even modern science is showing this with the discoveries of quantum physics. As I say to myself 'Division is illusion, love is reality' - find it helps. Need to keep working on my ego, it still too prominent. It's hard work moving beyond a self-centred world vision, when it is what I have known most of my life. Thanks for wise words! I really appreciate it. It backs up everything I've been reading lately. 

Hope you are well. 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

IUN man today was BAD. Went for a walk and just so so tough physically. I'm realising the emotional toll of being physically so weak is big. Tired bodies lead to tired minds, and add on top my depression. It's a bad combination. My legs are just always feeling like they could collapse on me any minute and nearly 100% of the time they are aching. Quite scary on the main road, as I'm worried I may collapse. Has never happened before but it's a worry. I know how deep the trauma of my physicality is due to my dreams. Always in my dreams I'm physically weak, even in my dreams I can't even escape my weakness. It can't be healthy to live in near constant fatigue for years and years. Crazy how a little tick can destroy your body. That's nature for you, it's unforgiving. It's so  beautiful this natural world, but we are all at it's mercy. It was God plan for me to bitten, and lovingly accept that, but it is hard to live day to day in this state. Add my douloxetine side effects, the neurological problems.

 

My sound sensitivity was horrific today, no idea why. Heard the tv in next door room and just couldn't cope. Was having my lunch and by the time I went up for my nap, I was a wreck. I'm hyper sensitive right now, just no idea why it's getting worse. Honestly, if it wasn't for sleeping my life would be unliveable. 

And then on top of my body and sound problems, I was so depressed. Just bitter and fed up and jealous. Not attractive emotions at all. Shameful really. But it goes beyond rationality, it's primal, emotional. I trying so hard to just pacify these horrible, dark feelings. Just feel properly an outsider. I coped for years but now it's building up to breaking point. I can't event watch tv with my family. The most basic things I can't even do. I can't get involved and do communal activities. 

 

I'm sorry for such a self-pitying post. I'm really sorry but just had to get it off my chest. I'm just not sure what more I've got. I've come along way spiritually, but when all my ailments come at me together like today, I'm not ready to cope. Hope has been drained from me. 

 

Again sorry this has been a very negative post, I'm not myself right now. 

 

I'm delighted for you and your wife. That has given me some good news!!! Thank you God! I hope our dear Gail is ok. I'm praying Gail if your reading!!

 

I hope and pray tomorrow is good as well my friend. Yet again you are here for me, words can't describe my gratitude. I hope one day I can pay you back. 

 

Love and blessings my brother!

[gail]

My dear London,

I just pm IUN, my post ressembled yours. It's been too long, I mean the bad days.
Tears are pouring for you, for others for myself.

Your writing is so good, the description is perfect. I love you, Gail

[invalidusername]

This is the viscous circle my friend. Whether it is the body that is tired, or the mind, one will always have a marked effect on the other. I know it is no comparison, but this continued head fog is bringing out my depression the longer it goes on, so throw in all the other ailments you have to endure... yes. Too much as you say. 

 

Now when you mention God's plan... my spirituality may cause a difference of opinion. I think this was your plan - approved by those in the know upstairs - but there is obviously something that you wanted to achieve. As I was talking with Gail before about it all, being somewhere that you cannot feel any pain - both physically and emotionally - is beyond our wildest imagination, but that is our Home. In order to understand suffering, we need to live it. With suffering comes peace. Quite why this was what you had planned for this life, you will not know but there is a reason. In the broad scheme of things, this lifetime is but a short break from our eternal Home. 

 

Thinking more on your sensitivity to sound, it really interests me to understand more about it. I don't want to go all "shrink" on you, but how does the sound from the TV or laptop compare to that which you hear outside? You must obviously hear people, traffic, weather etc when you walk - does this effect you in the same way? Do you have any theory as to why the intolerance is greater from an "unnatural" source? There was a time last year leading up to my wife's court appearance when I couldn't stand certain noises, but it was the other way around. I think it had to do with a control thing. Loud noises like motorbikes, dogs barking.. that sort of thing. It was horrific. It didn't matter if I wore my ear plugs because I could still hear it in the background and that was just as bad. 

 

Again, you really do not have to worry about your posts. It is what you are here for, what I am here for.. Gail and NM. We find comfort in that which we share - positive or negative. Helping and listening to others has shown to be very therapeutic. Empathy is a disappearing trait in todays society. When those few that are still capable come together, it should be embraced.

 

I sincerely hope there was some light for you today. I am fortunate that my evening has lifted my mood somewhat. Not an easy day all considered. I was telling NM earlier that encouraged by your exposure, I want to try just a little more than my routine exposure of work, food shopping etc, but I am so exhausted, and like you, feel I could collapse at any given moment. I need this to pass so I can get on with this stuff. But work and looking after the wife is paramount, so it will have to wait, and patience doesn't come easily!!

 

Thank you for your continued prayer, and of course my own continue for you this end.

 

May God bless you and keep you through these dark moments. We are all there with you in spirit.

[LDN]

Lovely words guys thank you but another bad day. Negativity is just enveloping me, suffocating me, I'm trying to break free from my chains and reach the surface and have a gulp of air. The negativity has put up a wall, and it is so hard to pierce. I'm very worried. Ultimately it is the depression, which is the main problem. It's a vicious illness. It corrupts you, poisons you, humiliates you. It strips you of your dignity. It turns loves and passions into nothing but grey apathy. Depression is my number one problem. Start there and then the rest can follow. God bless my aunt who lost her life to his illness. I owe it to her, to her memory to fight. I know she watches over me. But man, the day to day of living like this. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I know one day at a time, but this is unsustainable. 

 

Had the osteopath today. Felt on the verge of tears and just trying so hard to keep it together and not completely emotionally break down. I don't want to be sectioned but at the same time I want to keep up my exposures, as it's my only positive right now. I don't want to waste the hard work, I've been putting in. I must going out in public in this emotional state is really full on. But I've lived the other option of being a prisoner in my house for years and that is a situation that is so hard to break, so now I have, I don't want to go back. 

 

IUN if I chose this for me, then damn I must be a masochist! I'm only joking and I know exactly what you mean, having read similar myself. St John of the Cross says alongs the lines of when you discover the meaning of suffering, you will beg God for as much as possible. St Paul said similar. Suffering, what an enigma. It's truth hidden, yet we must endure it all the same. 

 

The thing is I'm just too tired. I feel so much love for God. But where is my strength going to come from, my battery is at 1%, I need a charger. 

 

IUN the difference from sounds is that from the tv there is normally music, while outside just cars, planes etc. Ideally I prefer complete silence but the sounds of life in motion I can cope it's the music that's the problem. Weirdly, birdsong is fine though. I wouldn't have had problems 100 years ago before radios constantly blaring out. No flashing lights as well 100 years ago. I'm not made for the 21st century sensory overload. 

 

IUN great news about your evening. 2 in a row. Brilliant. I think a tide is slowly turning for you. I hope so anyway. 

 

I am very fortunate God led me to this forum. What a lucky break. Strangely I feel God in me, though I still suffer. Lord I trust in you, I trust your plan (our plan). As Jesus said 'Father, into your hands I commend my spirit'. 

 

Bless you Gail, NM, IUN. Love you all. One day all will be well. 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Plus Gail remember I'm holding your hand! I just gave it a squeeze!! 

 

Remember - God is with me, I have nothing to fear!! 

 

I love you

[invalidusername]

Hey LDN - good to see you are here along with me doing the night shift!!

 

Just off to sleep with a good book. Will reply tomorrow, but for now, just to wish you a peaceful rest.

 

God Bless.

[gail]

My sweet ❤️ London,

I was wondering if it was the Lyme's disease that was taking all your energy.
Have you had this for long? And were you treated right away?

Depression takes lots of energy also, how i know that. At the moment that I'm writing, I am in a period of relief, thank you God. Days are still tough, I need to trust God's timing

You are often in my thoughts and prayers. I wish that I could understand why the saints ask for more and more suffering

That's it for today, will try to eat something. Love you, Gail

[invalidusername]

Evening LDN...

 

I was so sorry to read your message of woes this morning, and waking to yet more intense head fog, I was there with you. I think it is wonderful that you can take the unfortunate circumstances of your aunt and use it to bring hope and light to your own situation. Just remember this is not your doing. This was very very unfortunate circumstances that landed you where you are. Just like my car accident was all those years ago. This wasn't of our making and what you have done in taking it on is legend. Your aunt is up there knowing what you are going through, and how proud she must be. 

 

I went to see my friend today as I do every weekend. I was so close to cancelling as I could barely get myself washed and clothed, but I will not let this beat me. Probably not the best idea to drive but I did it anyway. It was good to discuss the last week and my friend told me to keep talking to myself as I would talk to a friend. And she is right. I frequently think of the stuff I say to you in my messages, and never say the same to myself. Why is it so difficult to not be proud of what we are doing?! I really have trouble with this. I'm in the middle of a damn withdrawal, why shouldn't I cut myself some slack?

 

The battery charger thing, yes. You must clearly be running on less than myself. I am sure that you are contributing to your energy levels by getting out though. Although it feels like you are compounding to the fatigue, it is using your muscles and opening up your lungs to the fresh (ish!) air of London. My sincere hope is that you will reap the benefits and that the walk will become easier. Slowly but surely. You are pushing the boundary of what has been your normal for so long, but a new normal is born now - and that first step is always the longest. Your determination will keep you there and it can only go forward each time you continue towards that goal.

 

Funny you should mention the sensory overload as I have always thought I was born too late. Like my last life was so many years ago, or I was someone who spent their entire life in a field in the middle of nowhere. I've never been good with all the pressure of modern life even before all the issues. I am not regretting how and where I am, but given the choice, I would be back a fair few years from now.

 

I am not ashamed to say that I dosed on some much needed Kratom earlier this evening and it has done its work well. I feel great. The magic elixir. Damn I sound like a junkie, but it is nothing if not natures anti-depressant! But one that works!! So a bit of a slip back for me today, but I am going to try not to let it taint my way forward. But like you say, when you are so weak, it gets tough and as I have been forced to stay half the week in bed, I have frequently been at the mercy of my thoughts. Can't go out to distract as I will exhaust myseld and can't rest without the horrible thoughts attacking me. Viscous circles are doing their worst. Got to pull together. 

 

Our fourth musketeer, NM, bless her, has also had it tough. And our darling Gail. We are all in this together and we just have to band together in thoughts and prayer to give strength when we need it most... granted which is most of the time! Ah... we need to keep spirits high. 

 

Will wait to hear what Saturday had in store for my dear brother.

 

God Bless.

[LDN]

Hi my dear Gail. Yes it's the Lyme disease and co-infections. I gave IUN a list of them all! Been suffering from it for 6 years!! I didn't catch it at first, so it's a chronic condition. Also as the cymbalta has terrible side effects for me of exhuastion and legs aches. Can hardly walk but I try! 

 

So happy today a bit better!!! I pray it continues! 

 

Every time I think of you, which is a lot, my heart goes warm, and feel strength flow through me. Thank you for being my inspiration. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. God has so much waiting for you. 

 

Praying and sending grace! And always holding your hand! 

 

LOVE

[LDN]

So today a better day for depression. The gloom has lifted a bit, feel more grounded, in touch. It's just a day to day experience, everyday things change. Walk went better as well. My legs still real, real bad. Getting dressed after the shower was tough man!! Sometimes I want to just cut them off, there aching is so exhausting. Crazy that douloxetine can just destroy me like this. These drugs are lethal, yet given out like candy. Interesting you mention Kratom, I saw you mention before how well it works for you. I had never even heard of it. Going to look into it, sounds like it could be a good thing to have for emergencies. My aim long term is move from AD to ket/rTMS/cbd/kratom. But each day at a time. Anyway, so happy the Kratom works so well for you. Don't feel bad, it no different from me doing ketamine. That's a street drug. Or what about when I had a crazy amount of nitrous oxide in A and E one time, I was properly out of it then lol! They do that recreationally as well. 

 

Well done with going to your friend!! Fantastic. I she is spot on. We have to be more easy on ourselves. This is where Buddhist teachings I think will help you. It teaches a lot about self compassion. Your doing brilliant, and you should feel very very proud. What you are facing is on a different level to what most people can imagine. Of course it's not a competition, but your are showing unbelievable levels of heroism. It's people like you who are to me my real inspirations. My real heroes. Look at how Jesus felt happiest amongst the poor and poor in spirit. In some ways you and me are lucky to be on a journey that brings us so close to Jesus. I think in the next life we'll realise this. 

 

Thank so much brother for lifting me and being there in the dark moments. You face so much and yet still give out so much help. Amazing! You are a helping me so much. I hope you can be kinder on yourself, but I know it's tough. I took me a long time. But you are an incredible human being, please know this. 

 

I was controlled by negative thoughts for years. It's terrifying. You know about my OCD, which was a result of them. But realise the more you run away, the more stronger they get. Like any fear, it grows if you don't face it. Imagine the thoughts are a big spider and you hate spiders. The only way to get over the fear, is to hold the spider, touch it. The thoughts in themselves can't harm you, it's the meaning you attach to them. I know this much, much easier said than done but with time I think they will bother you less and less. Personally, I found distraction doesn't work, but I tried it for years and years. The good thing about thoughts is you don't need drugs, through things like CBT/Buddhism you can change how you they affect you. But I've been there where you are and it's so so tough. 

 

Great to have NM as one of us! But so sorry she had it tough. We will all stick together!

 

Love and prayers as always my friend!! Hoping tomorrow goes well!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

So glad you had some respite from the depression, and that clearly impacted well on the walk. And yes, these drugs are so horrible. I am never going near Lexapro again - assuming it doesn't get the better of me and I take it again. I think the move you mention is a very good one. If the red tape for the Ketamine wasn't quite what it is, there may be something worth pursuing purely as it doesn't screw your head up like ADs. If I can help with anything Kratom related just let me know. I'd forgotten about nitrous oxide - don't dentists still use that?

 

Well, to fill you in on my day, I am sorry to report it has been very bad. I woke up with more depression than I am used to, but before I could level out, my head went into a spin with insane dizziness, legs, arms and head shaking and blurred vision. This is what I had from time to time on bad days with the Lexapro, so to have it come back out of nowhere really knocked me sideways. I feel back to square one and no point in going through this withdrawal if I am still going to be plagued by it. Been in bed all day. Couldn't even make it for a walk. Depression has lifted a little, but head is still really spaced out, although vision is better.. obviously as I am writing on the forum.

 

As I said to Gail earlier, it is both of you (and NM) that have kept me going when the thoughts invade. I am being kinder to myself today insomuch that I am blaming doctors and pills. Won't get me anywhere, but better than blaming myself I guess.

 

Really like your bit about the spiders - nice clear way of putting it. I am reading The mindfullness way through depression at the moment and are saying similar things about the meaning we attach to our thoughts. There is a lot to be learnt from it, but when you are going through withdrawal (or have Lymes!), the book can't cater for all!! I have faced anxiety in the same way. Face it, or it will only get worse. As I said before, I want to do more exposure using this method, but my physical health simply won't allow it... again, as you will know far better than me, for which you have my every sympathy. Simply amazing that you continue with your walk, regardless.

 

Right, I need to rest again. Head is spinning. Look forward to hearing from you as always. It would be great to talk more along the lines of these thoughts and how they effect us. It is something that I really want to grasp more of...

 

Prayers for all 4 musketeers to follow!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man so sorry for you! These physical symptoms are horrific that you face. What you have had to go through these last 7 or so months is staggering. Like I said, a true inspiration. How you dealt with them taking your douloxetine away and survived that is quite is an extraordinary feat of bravery. If you could survive that, you have nothing to fear! Things will get better brother, I saw you said your new physiatrist is much better and also you have your therapy coming up! Just hold on till the therapy, that will be massive. Honestly, you make feel anything is possible with what you have faced. Incredible! Truly! You make me feel stronger, as I can feed of your strength! IUN you are giant of bravery, YOU MUST KNOW THIS!! Be so proud of what you are achieving!  You are going through hell YET it shows you the bravery you have, the strength of character, that if life was easy you would never know you had! Also you can come on here and lift me up despite your problems. You have a gift. Please please believe me. You are amazingly special and unique. It is an honour to not just know you, but be brothers with you! I'm honestly a bit starstruck, if you will, in your presence. Forget money and fame what I've always wanted in life is substance, the truth, what it's all about - and in you and gail and NM I've found that. This forum has helped me truly find God, truly find the meaning of it all - LOVE. It is an honour to know you brother. I feel like out of a scene in the Bible, when I'm on here. The words of Bible come alive, Jesus is with us on here. 

 

I want you know that I am here for you! I want to do everything in my soul to help you! Ask anything of me, PM whatever. I know I only come on here at nights but we can work around that if needs be. We will together get through this tough patch brother! You have given me so much love, I will always be grateful. I think there probably is a history between us spiritual, we were sent for each other I think! 

 

In terms of my day things were decent. Sound sensitivity better, legs ok, depression ok. Went on my walk, up to the hight street. It was tough and slightly anxious but also strangely enjoyable. Then spent 30 mins in the garden, walking and writing poetry. So spent about 45 mins out, which is basically a record!! My legs are one day horrific, then the next ok. It's nuts! Thank you God for blessing me today, I love you.

 

Yes I think we can definitely start making friends with these thoughts. That might sound weird, but once their detoxified it will change a lot. It's the meaning you put on thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. It's a paradox, if you welcome them they won't bother you, but if you try and run they seem to come more and more. Buddhism will help you so much I think. What are thoughts? On a simple level they're just electro-chemical reactions, but we turn them into monsters. 

 

I'm praying for my brothers and sisters in pain, my brothers and sisters in Jesus! The 4 musketeers!! 

 

Remember I'm always here. I love you brother and want to do anything I can!

 

God Bless