2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Your words were very comforting this morning. Thank you so much. It was another very difficult morning. I woke early with the sting of depression, but stayed put in the hopes I would miraculously fall back to sleep. Then when I got up for a glass of water I realised the extent of the dizziness again and just felt broken and asking God to rid me of it. Despite that I just could not let myself go back 18 months so I went to work anyway. As I said to NM earlier, I had to drive at such a slow speed to get to clients as the road was a blur. I know it wasn't a good idea, but I just couldn't face another day of not getting out. I am glad I did, but I am still in such a state for fear of the next day. I don't want this withdrawal to get the better of me, but the symptoms are just too much. I have dealt with dizziness, blurred vision and so forth before, but after all this time, I really cannot tolerate it. How long I can keep this last piece of me going I don't know. I just hope it can go the distance. I have kept a copy of your message in my inbox so I see it each morning. It will be my mantra while I go through this. Again - thank you.

 

There will certainly be a spiritual history for us all here. Gail, Hat, Kathy, Liz, NM... everyone. All bought here for the purpose of keeping us going. Memories of our time here do not fade, and we will be together the Other Side one day remembering our times here on the forum. We will be free of pain and misery - and most of all, know why we chose the path we did. I just need to keep telling myself this, as Gail has already told me twice today!

 

Encouraging to hear that you had another decent day. Sounds like your brain is starting to adopt to the outside moment by moment. Those little glimmers of enjoyment and happiness are what it is all about - it means it is working! Great that you also have a garden - they can be truly inspirational places. My parents live out in the country and back onto a lovely field. I spend as much time as I can in the quiet moments. So happy that you have continued this amazing feat of strength. Again, it is what helps me get myself out as far as the car, then down the road, and to a client - regardless. It can be done!

 

The problem with the thoughts at the moment, is that they are focused on my symptoms, not so much the "what if" that is certainly a public enemy, but more that I cannot escape it. I don't have to think about dizziness or blurred vision, it is there. Very much like your legs no doubt. Very difficult not to think about these things when they are with you all day. This is what I think has the capacity to make things as they are. When I have a better evening, I learn to re-charge ready for what the morning will bring me. I can then usually get through that knowing if I get through the worst, the evening will allow me to catch up. But when the evenings don't permit that, it is so so tough. I hope that makes sense. Head is a bit spacey, so hoping the thoughts are coming out right!

 

But with the other type of thoughts, I think you are absolutely right - and I  am coming to that part in my book at the moment. Fighting them will only make it worse. We need to make friends with them, throw them off. I have done so well with anxiety using this method, but I don't know how to apply it to depression. For me anxiety situations are like ripping off a plaster (band aid for our US chums!). You just go and do it, and hopefully it isn't as bad as you first thought. But I just can't find the method for depression. I usually just sit and wait it out, but there is no control in that. Difficult. Would be really interesting to hear your thoughts on this one...

 

Time to rest again. My head can only go for short bursts at the moment. Quite inconvenient... Hear from you soon, my voice of inspiration and brother in Christ...

 

God Bless.

[LDN]

Oh man i'm so sorry! But what fight you have! Now is the time to remember what you have told me - what you are going through you chose to face. You wanted to put yourself in this position! Right now you don't know why, but you and God make a mutual decision that this is the path that was right for you. Remember amongst all the suffering - God is still there! Strip everything away, and there is God! Everything will be well, it can't not with God. This is time for your spirituality to come through. You have faced worse than this and come through it brother. There is nothing to fear, you and God have a plan! There is nothing to fear. What you have to deal with is crazy, but LOVE can and will always beat fear. You have so much LOVE. Remember one day all will be understood, and it won't only make sense but will be beautiful! 

 

The thing is to focus on really small tasks, keep it really simple. So for example, say to yourself 'let's get through the next hour' and just focus on that, then when you do, give yourself a massive pat on the back. Just reduce the day into little segments. This helps for me when really depressed. I say to myself 'My only aim and sole focus is getting through the next hour, nothing else matters'. Then you out everything into that next hour to get through it, then when it's done, I say to myself 'YES' I've done it!! Get in! It's kept me here for 8 years. 

 

In terms of the depression vs anxiety I agree completely. Whereas the anxiety is you face up and grin and bear it, the depression just feels like a waiting game. You feel completely powerless. I would 2 things. 1st in depression you can get in bad habits and then when the depression improves you don't actually really know, because your not testing it out. So for example, before yesterday the walks were suddenly being really tough. I felt so so depressed and just felt it wasn't safe me being alone in public. I felt on the verge of tears most of the time, and felt the pressure of being out pushed me close to complete breakdown. So I was taking a risk, and I was questioning if it was safe and should I stop. However, the last 2 days the walk was easier, in fact today I was excited to get out and really enjoyed it. So if I had stopped I wouldn't have had these 2 great experiences out which have given so so much confidence and liberation. As my depression was better the last 2 days, the walk was easier, so now I know in tough walks it won't last. So as much as possible try and stick to normal day, despite being depressed. The 2nd thing is to just accept that the depression will come and go for the moment, so don't try and fight or panic, but say 'this is depression, it is absolutely horrible, but it is what it is'. Then the depression has less to feed on. I know there are other factors but by the sounds of it your depression is mostly just brain chemistry lottery. So you just have to ride it. Basically 'ah depression your back, that not ideal timing, but I'll get you a cup of tea'. I hope you don't think I'm playing it down. I've been suicidal for most of the last 8 years of my life. It's horrific beyond words, but I'm just trying to give you tips that helped me. 

 

While I think it's brilliant you saw clients, I hope the driving is safe? I appreciate you don't have much choice, but I love you brother and just want to make sure your safe. But going slow sounds definitely the right thing to do today. Your safety is the most important thing and under pressure we can make rash decisions.

 

Man sending so so much love! Sending it down the road! 

 

BIG POINT - PM me whenever!!! I'm here and yours 100% now. If things get just too much, PM me and I can call you or whatever. Were both night owls, so if you need that or anything like that I'M HERE! We will get through this together!! 

 

Also remember GOD IS WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. 

 

Love you brother so much! We will do this!!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail my dear how are things? Hope you are in peace right now!

 

LOVE! 

[LDN]

NotMyself sorry to hear about a rough few days!! Hope things pick up! What a journey for us hey!!

 

Sending you love and prayers 

[fishinghat]

"kindness is in such short supply these days"

Unluckily that is so true.

[gail]

Sweet London,

As Notmyself said, what an inspiring post for such a young man. Beautiful!

Scrat, I do hope with all my heart, that today was a better day for you.

Notmyself, thanks for your participation, your kind words and your prayers.

WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, I, God, will make it happen.

[invalidusername]

A very good message for me here - thank you so much.

 

I am glad to see just how much rings true with yourself as well. The whole idea of not being able to "test" the symptoms makes a lot of sense. This is also a large part of the reason I am so upset with all the headache, fog and dizziness. I want it to pass so I can deal with what is underneath it in terms of psychological issues, and to not be held back because I feel too ill to face my goals. I don't like to say so much about this knowing you have been through years of exactly that, and not being able to fulfil such challenges. I can't even fathom how Gail and yourself have gone through so much. Faith has a big part to play here, which can only mean that you have both come a long way towards God.

 

I have read a fair bit more of the mindfulness book and have embarked on 10 minute sessions to "settle" my mind. This I feel has a lot to do with what it going on. You will already be aware of it far better than myself, but your mention of all things Buddhism makes a lot of sense. It is insane how much your mind can get tangled up with so many things. At one point, it took me 20 minutes to read one page! My mind would just wander so easily to something negative. I keep bring my thoughts back to my breath and not getting wound up by it. I love how they illustrate the concepts, like the man trying to clean up a mily spillage by pouring more water on, only to find it just make things look like there is more milk! Then the sediment at the bottom of a pond being washed up and muddying the waters so you can't see your way clearly. I like all this metaphor stuff. It is easy to remember.

 

One of the biggest influences to my depression is when I am at home in the flat and I think to myself... "I have three hours, how am I going to fill this time... my thoughts will crowd me... I should be doing something and enjoying it". This makes me loose all focus and I just don't feel like doing anything. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! I am sure it all stems from the fact that I have been forced out of action for so long due to head issues, stomach issues and so forth, that this has become my way of thinking. I didn't know if you could relate to that?

 

I can't believe you didn't mention your day! Such an amazing selfless soul that you are... all this wonderful digestible therapy for me to get into, and there you are soldiering away with your own journey. So, please give me an update.

 

After a bit of a battle with over-thinking earlier, my day did turn out much better, and I could enjoy work for a change. Such a relief! I am trying not to let myself think further into tomorrow and remain in the moment as my new teaching tells me! I have duly thanked God, and in turn I thank you, my dear brother... holding me through this. 

 

I want to include a short passage from the other Helen Greaves book that I found whilst reading last night;

 

"Very slowly, man is discovering that he need not be limited by earthly knowledge. The thinking man is realising that true consciousness is the recognition and acceptance of God’s Spirit within every soul. Jesus knew and taught this; he demonstrated its wonders and was feared and killed for it. But the seed was sown.

 

There is a deeper consciousness within all of us, and when faith in the Spirit is maintained, there is no limitations in its development."

 

Wonderful stuff, and really inspiring. Right - going back to my meditation for a while. Key is in the practise! This can't be a fleeting moment, I need to commit!

 

My sincere thanks again for your words of encouragement. My commitment to you is mutual - as is to all others on the forum. No-one need suffer in silence. Wonderful that we can be there for each other.

 

Much love to you my brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

NotMyself what a lovely lovely thing to say. That really means a lot. I have many issues, but I still have strong emotions. This site shows the best of humanity. I must say I agree with you about the current state of the world. Being still so young I must say it terrifies me! A year ago I really didn't hold much hope for the world, but since being on here I realise there are people on my wave length out there. What a comfort it is for me. Suffering really is a unique experience and the bond it brings is wonderful. Clearly as this forum shows, suffering leads to great compassion. 

 

I always love your posts. When I said you are spiritual evolved I meant it. You have such wisdom. It really nice for me to know some else who is interested in Quakerism. My great uncle was truly special and a man of peace. A hero to me. So it lovely to have that connection with you. 

 

Hope alls well in Scotland. 

 

Love, prayers and blessings 

[LDN]

Gail 

 

'WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, I, God, will make it happen.' - This is spot on! 

 

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Thinking of your pain brings a tear to my eye, but all will be well!! 

 

As always holding your hand!

 

LOVE

[LDN]

IUN a lot of love on here today - man God really blessed me sending me here. I just feel the spirit of Jesus on here, in a way I've never really felt it before. It's really changed my life being on here, especially in my spiritual journey. Just so beautiful to find so many people so spiritually aware and in touch with that side of themselves. Spirituality is almost completely absent is modern society. Not just religion, but that connection with something bigger, a sense of the divine that infuses creation. I feel so lonely in the soulless nature of our times. London is just a hollow place, apart from the poorer areas where there is a sense of community and strong local churches. Ironic, that amongst the poverty there is a greater heart. Just as Jesus said really. You know I wish people could just slow down and open their eyes. William Blake said 'If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees things thro' narrow chinks in his cavern'. How true! 

 

So I'm so happy you had a better day. A huge relief for you. I think it's really important that you remember that after a few bad days, you could have a good day. It shows your condition is up and down, and fluid. Very similar to my depression right now. So next time things are bad, remember this won't last!! So happy reading about mindfulness is helping! It very much a step by step approach, but it's exciting because you do a little bit more each week. The capacity for growth is basically infinite. I read about a Buddhist monk, who was quite old and had been meditating for years and years. He was having an operation, they were cutting open some part of his body. The anaesthetist forgot to inject him, yet he didn't even notice!! He felt no pain!! Can you imagine having your leg cut open and feeling no pain?! How inspiring is that? That purely through mental practice you can have mind over matter to such a degree! It makes me want to keep working and working on my mind. Gives me a purpose. A love that metaphor about the muddy water, so good. So happy it's helping!!

 

Very very much relate to that!! Exactly for me. Stuck in house because of my illness, but then being stuck in the house means I forget how to go out. So much is in the mind. That's the beauty for me about it in a way. If through exposure and practice we can settle our mind and a constantly ongoing process. Like I'm much more depressed now than I was say 2 years ago. But 2 years ago I never went out at all, but I go out everyday. I think personally that a shift in thinking is biggest step, more than medication. CBT literally saved my life with the OCD, so obviously I'm biased! Spiritual reading has really opened a door to a new life for me, it changed the way I think. So right now I'm in my worst depression since 2013 yet I'm going out more than I have in years. Like you say the mind is so complex, so it's about working on it. The results of CBT and Buddhism are miraculous. Also, I think you are some one who has the mental tools and spiritual depth to really thrive with these teachings. 

 

"There is a deeper consciousness within all of us, and when faith in the Spirit is maintained, there is no limitations in its development." 

 

See this is exactly it!! This is what I'm saying the development for you and me is limitless! We just have to look inside and as you say keep practicing. 

 

Well the last two days have been ok. I've really enjoyed my walks, it feels exciting. Feel depression is a bit better but still feel quite lonely and still stuck in thoughts of comparing my life to the life I wanted. I project onto others and idealise there lives, treat them as if they lives are perfect, which obviously is rubbish. But it's a tempting trap to fall into, I did even before I had depression, but obviously now it hits extra hard. I guess I'm just coming to acceptance of my situation, my disabilities and all that. You never think these things are going to happen to you and it almost doesn't feel real when they do. I've got to keep working on my intense inferiority complex and feelings of being an outsider. 

 

I hope tomorrow goes well! Sending love brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

You are so right saying that there is an absence of spirituality. There is a lot of religious movements in the towns and cities, but sometimes it strikes me of more that it still isn't as active in the spiritual elements as it could be. I am in no way saying anything bad - absolutely not - just that there could be so much more. It troubles me that some religious people frown upon spiritualist goings-on, but to say that when people are visited from those above is the work of the devil really gets me! I have been told by a few, and whilst I respect all peoples opinions and views, this is just not right to tell someone deeply spiritual that they are dabbling with something like that! I have studied, attended talks, spoken to so many people about the more shady aspects of religion (occult, witchcraft and so forth), and there is so much people do not know. These people should not be feared or cast out; it is those that have no belief that should be pitied. Pagan religion has nothing to do with evil, and their beliefs extend from the early christian teachings - they just have a very different way of approaching the deity, of whom they believe is manifest in both "genders" to make the one. No idea how I got into that train of thought!! The mind wanders!

 

That story of the monk is amazing. I meant to Google it, but have been distracting myself every other way today. I have done 3 lots of 10 minutes of focused meditation, but in the morning it is as good as impossible to keep attention on your breathing! I am going to keep going though. I think this will be a big step towards staying in the moment.

 

Today was not an easy one. I woke after 5 hours sleep and hit the depression wall before I could reach for the melatonin. It is like an alarm that wakes you... "get up - its time to be depressed!". I don't even have chance to reason with it. If I do, it could go either way depending on my thoughts - hence the mindfulness training to sway these times back in the favour of having a better day. But alas. I could not do anything but lay. Couldn't keep eyes open to read. Music annoyed me. No, just sit and feel like I'm in a damn coffin. That put pay to the rest of the day. It has eased a little after dinner and I wish I had taken some Kratom, but nevermind...

 

I can see your advocacy for all things thinking - and this is what I should have done long before any pills, just as you say. Combined with spirituality, you have a very powerful tool kit. The projection onto others... yes. Absolutely. This is dangerous. The wife is stuck on this at the moment. Too much social media! Can't stand it! It can do a lot of damage.

 

But... bottom line is that you are you. Not a label. Not an outsider. Your life is just as important (we say more of course!) as anyone else. We all have our purposes here, and looking at others like this, we just don't know. I could walk past you in your street on your walk and you could think the same about me, but you would have no idea what was going on in my head. I would probably be thinking the same, but about you. How little we both know!!

 

The realisation hit me when a member of the ambulance crew asked me what I thought was the main reason for them being called out...? Mental health. Depression, anxiety, panic. They make up the highest percentage of ambulance call outs here in the south-east. He also said that he would estimate that he had been to my neighbourhood about 50 times for mental health calls recently. That really shocked me to know that my immediate neighbours have such suffering mental health. But again, these are no different. Its all very well for the Janet and John's of this world with their 9-5 job and their TV dinners and their weekend getaways in the Cotswolds, but they go through life on autopilot. They don't reach the spiritual innermost that you and I (and Gail, Hat, NM et al.) have found. When we look back on our lives from above, do you think we will want to have changed anything? I'll let you think on that!

 

He who is rich in spirit... remember!

 

Anyway. Need to rest again. All my very best to you and family.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Read on NM thread about your day. So sorry. This is just such a tough time for you man. I'll help in anyway I can. I'll keep praying. My guess would be your brain is confused by the cross-taper, add in the withdrawal from Lexapro and it's just messing with you. The main positive is you had a good day yesterday, when my depression has been at it's worst would not have a proper good day for ages. So hold on to yesterday. Also at least you can still do your job, this is great bravery. 

 

So happy your making progress with meditating. It's takes time and patience, but in the long run I think it can be transformative. As I say the beauty of it, is that there is no ceiling. Also really important point - there is no 'good' meditating, just doing it is all that matters. Most people find it tough at the beginning. To be honest, I don't actually  formally meditate at the moment, mostly do my own kinda mindfulness in the garden, car etc. I've found my own way of doing it. My osteopath is a Buddhist and she's practised for  20 years or something and she told she doesn't like silent meditation, so she chants mantras out loud instead. It's about experimenting and finding what's right, it's not strict rules!! 

 

I'm sorry does your wife use social media? I've had problems with it, so can help if I want? Social media is very dangerous, especially if your not going out much, I myself can attest to that. It a complete fake world on there and it's tricks you into feeling bad about yourself. Ultimately it's driven by consumerism, you can't be happy if you don't have this and this etc. If they told you, that you don't need anything they wouldn't make any money. People put up idealised versions of themselves, totally fake, and then everybody just ends up feeling jealous of each other. It's a sick cycle. It's all photoshopped as well. So I guess it's just really important to realise that almost everybody who goes on it, feels inferior in some way, it's universal reaction to it. It's not just you. 

 

I'm feeling really weak this evening so sorry if this post isn't my best!! Head a bit spaced out. I had a double session with therapist today, went great. She is near Victoria station, so for an exposure we walked to Victoria station and in it. It was pretty busy, full of rushing people, near rush hour. We went into MandS and got some things. Then walked back through the station and to her room. In all over 40 mins out. Pretty much all that time in crowds! Talk about throwing me into the deep end lol! But I managed it! I did feel my head go a bit dizzy in MandS and felt a sensory overload, but it didn't last long. Last few days been really good for me, best few days I've had for long time. Hoping I can keep riding this positive wave, but we'll see. Exposure therapy with a therapist with you is fantastic, so happy I'm back doing it after 6 years. IUN maybe when your therapy comes through, you could try it? My therapist is religious as well, which is super cool as we can talk about God. 

 

You have to be patient I think. In the summer last year I went to a therapist and she said my case was too complicated and she didn't feel qualified to take me on. It's good she was honest and fair enough, but I was too weak to try someone else straight away, so just left it. My psychiatrist suggest a few but after looking them up I wasn't sure it would be the right fit, then she mentioned my current one and it sounded perfect. It's turned out just that. I started in Jan, so it took me 7 months but I got there in the end. I hope that can give you some hope! The 5 and half years I went without I probably could have done with it, but there is no rush and I needed those years to explore internally and find myself. Now through spirituality I have some sort of inner strength and confidence that I was looking for. The key was my spiritual journey but then the therapy added on top is great. But without that deep core in me of love I found through Jesus, It wouldn't work. 

 

Unless you've felt what spirituality can do, you can't understand it's power. It's so crazy it's looked down in modern society! There is a reason it's been part of fabric of all civilizations. Science is great, but it's not everything. We have our rational, ordered part of ourselves and then the intuitive and mystical. This spiritual iq which was so respected in other times, it completely absent. It only people like you and me and NM and Gail who through suffering have found this incredible and wonderful and life saving part of being human, that most people just aren't in touch with. I'm not anti-science by any means, in fact I love quantum physics, but we are not robots, we have souls!! We need more than JUST science to make us feel whole and give us meaning. For years, and mean literally mean years, I was just counting down my days to die. Now I realise I can touch paradise here on earth, in Buddhist terms you don't have to die to reach nirvana!! That is life changing!!! I just need to work hard on my mind and keeping training and most of all nurture LOVE! 

 

IUN I had the seed in me, but you and the others on this beautiful place, have been the water that has made me blossom. Thank you thank you thank you!! 

 

Love to you brother and your wife! I'm praying! Really hope things pick up! I'll always be grateful for your compassion to me. 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

NM wonderful post! What compassionate, wise and beautiful words! I'm praying for you!! You have such a warm, special soul. You give so much love, it's amazing!! You just have such a positive energy that you give off! Bless you for lifting me! I want to wake to the truth and then help others do the same! 

 

I hope your neighbours aren't too bad at the mo!! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Notmyself,

Such inspiration you have. I'm not comfortable with the lion s soul as I cry and cry and am not strong. Anxiety and depression rule my life for the moment. Lots of fears, tears and desesperate thoughts. After all this, do I deserve to be called the lion soul?

[invalidusername]

Notmyself,

Such inspiration you have. I'm not comfortable with the lion s soul as I cry and cry and am not strong. Anxiety and depression rule my life for the moment. Lots of fears, tears and desesperate thoughts. After all this, do I deserve to be called the lion soul?

 

1, You come to the forum EVERY day and offer support regardless of your own circumstances

2. You continue with treatment that is very very difficult for you

3. You have continually braved the illness that requires this ongoing treatment

4. You have kept your faith though everything, despite the setbacks

5. Love and Kindness radiates from you - no question

6. You have guided me through countless issues with Duloxetine, Pregabalin, Lexapro, Citalopram...

7. You bake brownies and pie!!

 

There are more of course, but this gets you started. I think this is worthy of the title.

 

Thou your BODY is weak, your SOUL is strong.

[gail]

Scratt,

Thank you for the reminder. All things considered, I love Lion s soul. I will keep it.

Getting ready for the hospital, they are taking off my zillions Staples.
I would say that the surgery was successful.

I've taken Benadryl, and I find it relaxing. It had been a long while since I'd taken it. Is it ever working! Should I have a car, I couldn't drive. Again, Scrattage, Thank you!

[invalidusername]

That is wonderful what you say about mindfulness - that there is no ceiling. That is a wonderful thing to consider. I have found it easier not to "time" my sessions and have the damn bowl ring to remind me... makes me think too much of a schedule. So I have turned this off and just do what I feel. Earlier I did 26 minutes thinking it was 10! But it did clam a little. Still really difficult to calm my head. It comes in waves. It is like a balancing act - you hold it for so long and then have to start again! But I am just letting my mind do what it will, and again it comforts me when you confirm that it is just important to be going ahead with it - regardless of the outcome. Just not to expect anything - just be in the moment. 

 

Yes, my day was very stressful. Clients, helped parents friend with computer, shopping, pharmacy. There were times I just felt like I was trapped and could simply "loose it", but I didn't know how to stop it. I succumbed to a valium and it helped take the edge off and let me get on with the day. It was better after that, and stress went away, but left a bitter taste leaving me worried for tomorrow when it all kicks off again. It'll get easier. I am sure you are right about the cross-taper. Before I started, it was all anxiety - I didn't have a depressed day for nearly a month. 

 

What you have said about social media is great. I have copied this paragraph and have emailed it to the wife. I want her to read it. Not for me to read it out loud. People digest things much better when they read. And I hope she will leave it there so she can refer back to it. She has deleted, reinstated, deleted, reinstated so many times I cannot keep up. Instagram and Facebook. It is not right. She is at home 99.9% of the time and this is her world. You are so right - thank you. I hope she will sit up and take note from someone who has bought the proverbial t-shirt!

 

My goodness!!! That exposure today was OUTSTANDING!! I am speechless! I want your therapist. There is nothing like being in London for exposure. It is making me anxious just thinking about it. Sure it is good to have a therapist with you, but you canno dismiss the enormity of what you have achieved. I am so damn proud of you man! I really hope mine come through soon. My parents are kicking off at the mental health team at the moment on my behalf because I cannot take the stress. They are getting so annoyed with how awful they are. I said to my mum earlier "that's after one week Mum - imagine how I feel after a year!". Wednesday is "meet the manager" day there, so they have said they are going in and letting all hell break loose! And believe me, my Mum can do just that!!

 

Regarding the spirituality, I think it takes all sorts of circumstances to bring people back. I especially do not like it when people say that turning to God is a go-to response of being ill. To my mind, if it wasn't sincere, then people would end up blaming God! This state has made me open my eyes to the beauty all around us. Fortunately, I have not been one for material gain. God forbid there would be a fire in my block, it really wouldn't bother me. I have a cloud backup of everything important - including a list of all the books in my mini-library! It will all be left behind, so where is the sense getting attached to it? Learning is the key, as that goes with you.

 

Still amazed by your progress today. That will drive me forward, I am sure. You are leading the way!

 

Continued prayers all the same for you brother.

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Gail

 

PLEASE PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE SO SO SO STRONG, BRAVE AND HAVE THE MOST LOVING HEART!! I can honestly say I can't think in my whole life of someone as brave as you. It hurts me when you feel down on yourself because you are so amazing. You inspire me so much. I'm so honoured to meet you. IN FACT I AM STAR STRUCK TO MEET SOMEONE AS BRAVE AS YOU! I feel in awe of you. You have a very very special gift. As I told you before I see Jesus in you, and I mean it so much!! Remember even Jesus said to God 'MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?'

 

I read about your hospital visit. I hurts to hear you in such pain. I have tears. What you face with all the physical operations is incredible. And then you have the depression and anxiety as well!! As IUN says then you come on here and give us love and support.

 

If bow down before you! I thank God so so much for letting me meet you. 

 

Thank you dear Lord for sending me Gail. Through her I see you! Dear Lord I love you and I love Gail. 

 

You touch my heart in a very special way. You were the first person on this forum to reply to me. 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Thanks for the kind words man! We'll keep working together! Team work. The 4 musketeers. Today another big exposure - after yesterday I went into my local Tesco for the 1st time since I got Lyme disease. So 1st time in 6 years, the last time I set foot in it was 6 years ago. I messed it up by staying in too long, was in there for 14 minutes, should have just pop in and out to ease myself in. When I came out I just was dizzy and had a headache and felt like a bit concussed. I think it was probably sensory overload, I'm just not used to anything like that so my brain needs time to adapt. But anyway at least I did it. The key for me PATIENCE. It waited 6 years and now it has come. Doing these things has wet my appetite and now I want to do more. But my brain is not ready and I must stay humble. Time and time again in my life when I have been patient, and I mean years worth of it, things have come back. As I have said many times i put myself in God hands and I will lovingly follow. Let life happen to you and don't chase it. 

 

I so hope this pick up for you soon. They will but hopefully soon. Remember I was so so depressed just a week or so ago. A week is long long time in depression. Still you had an elite day, to come through that and not breakdown is MASSIVE! I think you should be really proud. If you can do that now, imagine what you can do when you feel better. Honestly remember to be kind to yourself. You set yourself such a high bar. It really important you realise how amazing what you achieved today is, considering how tough you have had it recently. 

 

Also nice work with the meditation. 26 minutes, man you putting me to shame her lol!! If you can do 26 minutes already, I think this going to be amazing for you. I think the fact your being so pro active is amazing. You should be massively proud. But as I said it not a competition, it's about an outcome. The key is just engaging in it. I read in one of my buddhist books something alongs the lines just meditating at all, for however long and whatever way, makes you a great meditator. 

 

Hoping for a good day for you! Prayers for you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

NM yeah I love 'Be still, and know that I am God'. 

 

‘I and the Father are one’ is another great, instant settler to turn negative emotions into the warm embrace of the knowledge that we are all one with the Source.' - Beautifully put yet again. Non-duality is so important, it was a game changer for me! 

 

Thanks for the refresh!! I'm so lucky to have a great soul teacher on hand!! 

 

I hope you have doing well?  I really hope so! I'm sending prayers from down south! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Btw guys I've sneakily passed 100 posts!! 

 

Right exhausted love to you all!

[gail]

God bless you London for those edifying phrases.
I have written them down Wisdom Soul!

[invalidusername]

Wow - now Tesco! You are catching up with me here! But yes - make sure you ease yourself back into these things. I remember doing this stuff after my car accident and I had to stay indoors after the long stretch in hospital. It was tough. This may be why I start to loose it if I do not go outside even for one day. I fear it will come back. But all the same - a massive leap! Just let that sink in and let your nerves calm. Maybe make a list of different things that you can work up to. My problem is that anxiety will come back if I try something too "new". Work, shopping and walks around the same area are safe, but something else has the potential to ignite anxiety. Pills will not help this, I need to conquer this by myself and once my confidence settles with the Citalopram, this is what I shall be doing.

 

Today was another not so good day - but it could have been worse. It is what I call a survival day. I did what I had to, but in no way enjoyed it. I am just a walking bucket of apathy. Can't find pleasure anywhere. Usually I get out and get on with life and it will ease, but it actually got worse at times! It was really scary as when you start to slip, you really struggle to pull yourself back out.

 

Again, I am sure this is still the pills doing their worst, but as you say, a week is a long time to feel like this. Self compassion is what I need to exercise here - like you say, I do not give myself credit at all. I should be happy that my head fog has almost gone. Patience is so hard!! But look who I am talking to about patience... the master of patience! 

 

My living Buddha book has arrived! Just need to finish what I am on at the moment and get on to the one. I think it will help well as I start my meditation. Will let you know how I get on - and thanks again for the recommendation. 

 

Very tired, so will have to cut it short and hope to catch up on a bit of shuteye. Hope the day went well - maybe you had a quick walk up to Scotland to see NM

 

God Bless dear Brother