Jump to content



Photo

Been Off For 8 Weeks


  • Please log in to reply
250 replies to this topic

#241 LDN

LDN

    Good Friend

  • Site Supporter
  • 120 posts

Posted 17 May 2019 - 09:36 PM

Haha yeah so today my next exposure was a pop up to Scotland to see NM, I'm really stepping it up right now!! Just got back lol! No today just a day off really, walk to Tesco but didn't go in, just give myself time to breathe. Didn't feel great physically but mentally not too bad. 

 

In terms of what you say about the apathy. I had that very strongly recently, and now it seems to have lifted. But it was with me for a good while. Like you say I just didn't really care about anything, could hear that the earth had a few days left and I would just shrug. Felt it impossible to show enthusiasm or energy or excitement, just a zombie state, was really getting worried at how long it was with me. But now It's definitely lifted so I hope that gives you hope. My depression really has picked up in the last few days, after months and months of bogged down. I guess that the thing with depression it can hang around for ages but it always goes. Like you say you just have to be damn damn patient. What I will say is I found that patience to be something that the more you practice the easier it gets. But still so tough of course. 

 

Delighted the book came, I really enjoyed it and was sort of nodding the whole way through. The way he talks of Jesus is really beautiful as well. He was banned from his homeland for most of his life, just for advocating peace. Very humble and gentle. I hope it helps! 

 

I'm reading about Jesus right now and the idea of self-sacrifice. It's really liberating, just to not feel bound by conventions and norms but free yourself and look to find that inner harmony. When your faith is strong, there is nothing else to compare it to. Why search and worry for perfection in this life, when it will pale in comparison to the next life. So what I have limitations through disabilities, if I have God what more do I need? A healthy soul is so much important than a healthy body. I could be fully able bodied but if my life has no meaning other than materialistic things, I wouldn't be content and wanting something more. Through being ill I have been able to study and look within myself in ways that would just be impossible, if I was always busy. I just want to explore my mind and become closer to God, everything else in comparison seems so futile. What you said about your house burning down and not worrying was wonderful. So so few people would be as enlightened as that, it's actually really beautiful for me to have met someone like you. I mean non attachment to worldly possessions is such an advanced state of mind. It's like when Jesus said give all your money away and follow me and the rich man couldn't. Nowadays with  consumerism culture, it lovely for me to meet someone who is beyond that. 

 

It's just so cool that we met at such a point of spiritual transformation in my life. We're just on such a same wavelength, and I'm sure there is a spiritual history between us. Some would say it is amazing 'coincidence', but from my spiritual reading and our conversations it's more than that if you know what I mean? Sorry not expressing myself too well!

 

This is just a lovely, sacred place. So thank you to all on here. 

 

I hope you have a chilled weekend ahead. As always prayers to you and your wife. 

 

Love to you brother 

 

God Bless


#242 LDN

LDN

    Good Friend

  • Site Supporter
  • 120 posts

Posted 17 May 2019 - 09:41 PM

Wow gail so kind! Wisdom soul and Lion soul in it together! 

 

Hope all the pain is okay. 

 

Prayers and a heart of love for you !!

 

God Bless


#243 gail

gail

    God-like

  • Site Supporter
  • 5,304 posts
  • LocationSherbrooke, PQ
  • why_joining:
    5 months on cymbalta, scary side effects, never felt good.
    Needed understanding and support, and a place where I was not alone. To read others stories and realizing that I was not the only one going through all that crap.
    In hope that one day, I can return the favors in some kind of way.

Posted 18 May 2019 - 09:02 AM

Hello London,

Wow again! Such an inspiring post! Always eager to read you, so many lessons that I can learn from you.

I was feeling a bit anxious as I'm going out today. I prayed to God and he sent me back to one of your posts, it calmed me. We thank you

Scratt, bravo for the meditation. I visualize, which is what I need at the moment. You two are such a delight and of good inspiration. I also need this.

As I can see, we have much in common. Like the going out that can bring anxiety. Patience, it will come. I love you both dearly, same for Notmyself, inspiring gang. What a gift you all are. Thanks for being there.

#244 invalidusername

invalidusername

    God-like

  • Site Supporter
  • 2,439 posts
  • LocationKent, UK

Posted 18 May 2019 - 06:23 PM

Really tired this end, so might be a reduced one from me, but I am happy to say that despite a dodgy start to the day, it has been an improvement. I even got the wife out for a 40 minute walk!! It is an exposure epidemic! Trying to stay level headed and take each day as it comes though. I get into the habit of starting to plan things that I have wanted to do for the last 18 months on days like this and end up getting disappointed when tomorrow isn't the miraculous day I was hoping for. I just need to accept what happens. What will be will be. 
 
So what do you think has caused this sudden change to your depression? You think the exposure has lifted things? I recall saying that it might well have a knock-on effect. I really hope this is the case and that you can continue this amazing therapy. I expect, like I have said above, that you will need to keep your head beneath the clouds and take it as it comes before peeling yourself off the ceiling in excitment. But it gives you a huge lift just showing that you still have the capacity to have these days. They are possible, and they occur! For those who do not suffer MH problems, this I expect would be like Christmas day and someone has just given them £1000's of pounds and a new car. For us, it is a day without depression and we can find the beauty and enjoyment in just about anything! This is living life as you have rightfully said many times before. We should pity all these healthy people :D
 
Oh yes, your healthy soul is far more important. No question. The book I mentioned to you a while back, Everyone's Guide to the Hereafter speaks so much about this. It is a very down to earth (if that is the right phrase!) book, and is spoken as if a friend to another friend. It emphasises the importance of not getting caught up in all the material aspect of earth dwelling. The mantra I have for myself came to me in a moment of silence a few years ago... "I seek the knowledge of love, and the love of knowledge". Very simple, but this is what I want my life to be.
 
Really hope your progress has continued - hear from you soon!
 
God Bless

#245 LDN

LDN

    Good Friend

  • Site Supporter
  • 120 posts

Posted 18 May 2019 - 09:38 PM

Really happy for you man! 40 MINS! ELITE! Brilliant, brilliant work. I feel you about over excitement, you get a taste of it and then suddenly want to do it all, but it's got be a steady, systematic process. It's important as well to not forget all the wisdom we learn while being ill and just go back to normal. It's a balancing act. Re-integrating but also not keeping that new us we have developed. 

 

Today wasn't great. Felt a bit low. I knew it wouldn't last the good wave, so at least I was fully expecting this. As always just ride it. Through good and bad just let it be. Let the rhythm of life just take where it wishes. Also, I had this fear today I would just suddenly lose all my spiritual knowledge, I rely on it. Today my faith wasn't as strong as usual and you sort of worry it might just go. I know lots of the great saints had doubts, but it's weird how it can suddenly come on. Last night i just suddenly felt like life had no purpose, everything futile - the horror of life hit me. This existential angst. 

 

In terms of my uplift I think definitely the exposures where huge, but I do think a lot is just brain chemistry doing it's thing. I mean it thing exposures can't cure depression, but you can't get better without them if you know what i mean. It's why I think therapy should always be a first step of mental health treatment. Try therapy and then if you still have issues then try medication. As we know medication shouldn't be used unless really necessary. I mean some might be depressed but they just need some one to listen to them or giving them some love. Anyway unfortunately it's the other way round right now, but hopefully one day things will change. If it was up to me, I would order an army of therapists!! Everybody get therapy and then lets worry about medication afterwards. Obviously, in extreme cases you might have to go straight to medication, but I'm talking more generally. But definitely the exposures make the good days, really really good days, and on the the bad days at least mean you have achieved something. It's about not letting your mood dictate and control your life, it gives you agency. 

 

I'm looking forward to getting on with some of your books recommendations after I finish the one I'm reading at the moment. Got a long list so plently to look forward to. 

 

Love that mantra that came to you! Beautiful. I guess for me all I want out of life is too spread love, that's it. Just spread love. 

 

Again really buzzing for you brother! And also so happy for your wife as well, she should be so proud. 40 mins, WOW! 

 

Love brother

 

God Bless


#246 LDN

LDN

    Good Friend

  • Site Supporter
  • 120 posts

Posted 18 May 2019 - 09:48 PM

Gail I'm so happy and moved that my words could help! We both lift each other up! I get so excited to see your posts because how powerful and loving they are. Every time in the day I think 'Gail', suddenly I feel strong and my heart feels warm. I honestly can feel my heart getting bigger! Your my best antidepressants I've had!! It's so beautiful, it's like your spirit is with me and saying 'all will be well LDN'! It's magical. 

 

Right now I can feel my heart growing in love. God works through us. He is saying to me 'look at Gail, look how strong she is, look how brave she is, learn from her'. So thank you special special soul! You are so beautiful! And thank you God for sending me here to meet Gail. 

 

You have so much love. So much LOVE. Thank you for filling my heart with love. 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE


#247 gail

gail

    God-like

  • Site Supporter
  • 5,304 posts
  • LocationSherbrooke, PQ
  • why_joining:
    5 months on cymbalta, scary side effects, never felt good.
    Needed understanding and support, and a place where I was not alone. To read others stories and realizing that I was not the only one going through all that crap.
    In hope that one day, I can return the favors in some kind of way.

Posted Yesterday, 02:06 PM

London,

Yes, your words of wisdom do help me and they did again today. Don't forget that I write them down, I can come back to them when a situation arrises.

To set an example, today, I had to get back to bed at least 3 times. Instead of trying to figure what was happening and getting anxious, I read LET THE RYTHM OF LIFE JUST TAKE YOU WHERE IT WISHES. No anxiety about the situation. We thank you!

The feelings you have about me are reciprocate. How strong you are London! Don't go away, I learn so much with you. Love you, Gail
  • LDN likes this

#248 invalidusername

invalidusername

    God-like

  • Site Supporter
  • 2,439 posts
  • LocationKent, UK

Posted Yesterday, 06:29 PM

Well, I hope your Sunday proved a bit better than the other musketeers! Sorry that you didn't have such a good one yesterday, but great that you could ride it through from the expectations. And what a strange thing to occur about your faith. From the way you say it, it sounds like it wasn't really "you", but a brain chemistry thing - as things often can be. Again, trust this has cleared up a bit. It is humanly natural to have doubts from time to time, so don't beat yourself up over it. A small drop in the ocean that is your otherwise relentless spiritual presence. The way you speak, it shows an almost unshakable purpose in your faith. A wonderful thing under the circumstances... but some days, we just can't explain. Hat put some lovely verses in Gail's Going Home forum which may help - he picked a good day for it! 
 
I completely agree that therapy should be the first step - without a doubt, but of course, it all comes down to money. I can't wait to have someone to talk to face to face about this. I know I have the lovely wife, but all we do it empathise with eah other. We cannot offer support in the sense of getting out of it - we just wallow in our pity. Nice to know that we are in it together, but it is a honey trap. Far from ideal. 
 
The issue I have faced all week is that I have been facing up to things, and little exposures here and there. Just got on with life and trying not to overthink things. When I have been brave enough to do this, things have got better - you feel proud that you got on with things, and achieved what you had set out. However, I have still had depression stick to me like poo to a blanket. Doesn't matter what I do, how much I achieve, it is still there when I stop. Nothing I can do offers relief. Evenings can be easier, but today, it just carried on and on. It has only just started to lift. Is a relief, but a few short hours at the end of the day is no way to live when you are struggling through 75% of your day. But one thing I tell myself, is that I will never have that same day ever again, and that it is one more day of my withdrawal. I have to expect days like this with what has gone on with my head over the past few months. 
 
I have just finished The Challenging Light, so I am starting out on my new book. I have a huge list on my Amazon account of others waiting to be bought. Such a wonderful thing to have all this knowledge and experience of other right there waiting to be grasped. I will let you know how I get on with each as I progress!
 
Trying to be quiet now so I can hear that small voice... "it's been a rough week, but take it on the chin, wait for tomorrow and try again". Like you say, we need to see the positive shine as much as it can on the negative. Tough though it is, there has always been SOMETHING positive to find. It is just how to choose to interpret this. It is herein that I must continue to learn and grow.
 
Much love to my brother.
 
God Bless

#249 LDN

LDN

    Good Friend

  • Site Supporter
  • 120 posts

Posted Yesterday, 10:17 PM

Oh man I'm really sorry to hear about today. Yeah 100% feel you on doing the exposures but not feeling any better and then sort of feeling cheated! I had that a lot but thing to remember is don't just do the exposures for the now it's for the future when your feeling better. When you're well you will go out and really enjoy it and be like 'oh I really enjoyed going out, that was great'. If you didn't do the exposures then you wouldn't really be able to tell when you are feeling well. So then you are sort in a vicious cycle, you end not even knowing if you are better or not. Also it all about those small steps. A few weeks ago I was just going out the front door, but now I'm able to do about 16 mins a day. So when I'm feeling good I can enjoy it but doing a 16 min walk. If hadn't done the exposures when I felt bad then I would be starting from scratch when I felt well and wouldn't be able to go straight to 16 mins. So your putting in the hard work now for your reward later. I hope that make some sense, my head isn't that clear today. Basically, if you keep doing the exposures once you start feeling well, you will be way ahead of where you would have been if you hadn't done them. Also I think it's the principle of sort of not letting the depression control you, detoxifying it a bit, so it may be so horrible but you still have agency despite it just making you feel awful. 

 

On the meditating make you feel mad, from what I have read and my personal experience, that is very normal. As we haven't been brought up from a young age meditating our bodies aren't used to it. So it's quite natural I think for our brain to be quite confused and this can throw up all sorts of emotions. We've been taught from a young age to always be doing something and when something bothers us we're told 'oh just forget about it'. So in meditation we're going completely against how our body and brain have been conditioned. Meditation says look at your fears not ignore them, it says be still not busy. So basically were doing something very alien to ourselves. In one of the books I read the buddhist teacher said you can meditate on your emotions, like anger, that is one of the practices. So be like 'this is anger I'm feeling, ok, I'll just let it be here and I'll just look at it'. It doesn't matter what comes up in meditation, as there is no goals. As I mentioned I think before, one of the teacher said along the lines of just meditating, just doing it, makes you a good meditator. I hope this makes some sense. I personally have felt terrified in meditation, just so scared to be doing nothing to distract myself, but ultimately the only way to conquer that terror is to face. As long as I avoid it always be there, so I'll put up with the short term pain for the long term gain of losing that fear of being alone with my mind. Talking about all this is wanting to make me do more reading on it!! It's such a huge shift from the way I was brought up, so different from my cultural environment, it's exciting. 

 

Yeah I think your definitely right about it being a chemistry thing, I was having this exact conversation with my therapist actually. I was saying how some days I have an identity crisis on my walk and have no confidence at all in myself and what I stand for. Then the next day I'll feel super confident, calm and totally at peace with the world and everything is beautiful and all my readings and knowledge I've gained I can really feel them. As I said some of the really great saints had huge doubts, like St John of the Cross and Mother Teresa. It's hard to imagine Mother Teresa having doubts considering the amazing life of poverty she lived but apparently she was riddled with them at times. I know what I felt when I read the Sermon on the Mount, I know how safe I felt when 'God is with me, I have nothing to fear'. I didn't just have the words in my head, I FELT them - in that moment i felt no fear, but pure peace. There are some moments when I suddenly feel this euphoric love of God, normally when I'm on here actually, and in those moments I understand what the saints meant when they spoke of their love of God. I don't like to push my views on others, so it's so lovely to come on here to this spiritual place and express myself. Luckily, my mum and dad are very religious so we talk so much about God and they get my faith. 

 

In terms of my day, I did quite a big challenge. Normally I always walk the same route, but today I walk a completely different route, with different streets etc. Must say was pretty scary opening my self up like that, I felt quite naked and unsafe, but I needed to not be too rigid and not get too attached to one route. Thankfully I came through it and the excitement and liberating feeling was greater than the fear. I planned it with my therapist, but obviously doing it on my own is different. Still feel proud of myself, if you don't mind me saying that. Makes me feel happy, just thinking of it now actually. Otherwise day just normal really. Got a lot on next week, so a bit nervous. 

 

About the positive mindset, absolutely agree. We only have a certain amount of energy, so are we going to channel that energy into negativity or positivity?  I try my best to positive and realise that even if know I can't see them, I'll look back later and I'll see this tough moment taught me some essential lessons. I always happens, I look back at a period that was so terrible and realise 'wow' that was actually so important for me. So remember that my friend, even if right now you can't see the positives, you'll look back at this period and with hindsight be able to see so many great lessons and truths you learned. 

 

I just want to say I think you doing amazing man and keep at it! Really inspiring to see! Your being so proactive despite such a rough time, I really hope you feel really really proud of yourself. If you were a kid, I would say you deserve an ice-cream lol!!!

 

Wishing you a good Monday my brother. As always love to you and your wife. We're in it together. 

 

God Bless


#250 LDN

LDN

    Good Friend

  • Site Supporter
  • 120 posts

Posted Yesterday, 10:34 PM

Gail we have such a beautiful bond, we're on each others wavelengths. I always read your posts over and over again because they always help me so much. It the highlight of my day coming on here and when I see you've posted on my thread, it makes me SO HAPPY! I feel like a little kid going on the swing. You give me just PURE HAPPINESS! I just really really want you know how much you help me, you and the rest of the forum have changed my life!! I really mean that. So maybe in the pain you face at least know that you are making me so happy and helping me heal!

 

If you ever want any advise or anything I'M HERE FOR YOU. So you message me, PM me whatever you want. Any questions or anything just know I'm here. 

 

I really really love this forum. I thank God so much, for sending me here. It's miracle. Thank you you so much my dear Lord. This is a place of amazing beauty, it fills me with so much joy.

 

God love is too big for words, what wonder awaits us Gail!! When we are both home, I'm going to come and hug you and we can celebrate together!!

 

LET THE RYTHM OF LIFE JUST TAKE YOU WHERE IT WISHES!!

 

I love you Gail, you special special soul!!


#251 gail

gail

    God-like

  • Site Supporter
  • 5,304 posts
  • LocationSherbrooke, PQ
  • why_joining:
    5 months on cymbalta, scary side effects, never felt good.
    Needed understanding and support, and a place where I was not alone. To read others stories and realizing that I was not the only one going through all that crap.
    In hope that one day, I can return the favors in some kind of way.

Posted Today, 07:36 AM

My friend London,

I'm repeating myself here, I know, you can't imagine how your posts help me be a calmer person. All your special phrases that are so simple to understand contrary to the Bible that gives me a hard time figuring the meaning.

You are saying the same things but in a different language. God loves you for that and so do I!

Next step is to read the sermon sur la Montagne where you really felt the love of God. What a special and magical moment it must have been for you. Count your blessing!

No going out today, no exposure! Another day to just relax and read and play cards.

London, I appreciate you beyond words, God must be so happy that you found a place to express your spiritual beliefs. Mostly to all of us who can benefit from your experience. What a beautiful gift you are for all of us, thank you and gracias, and merci my beautiful soul.
I love you, Gail



0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users