69 replies to this topic

[Driven]

Guys,

I guess the thing that I'm struggling with most is the absolute lack of any decent windows so far and being so scared.  Tomorrow will be 17 weeks off completely.  Today, I am in as bad of shape as I was a couple months ago.  As stated, I've had a few good 2-3 hour windows where I can think more clearly but definitely not completely free of fog or the vision stuff.  The windows are basically no anxiety, no depression, and overall thinking pretty clearly (but definitely not myself).  The few windows have happened in the evening and I've yet to experience any windows in the am or mid-day with exception of during the first 3-4 weeks off.  I'd say I've had 2-3 decent evening windows in the last 3 weeks...and a big stretch of no windows for about a month before this.

I can't get my mind under control in terms of how long until these symptoms will ease enough to be more tolerable.  It actually feels like the head fog is slightly worse.  I've got a terrible feeling like Groundhog day where the story repeats itself every day.  Starting with a morning terror every morning as I wake up to realize that I'm still in this mess.  

 

I know I'm probably still in the middle of the worst if it but do you think there is hope at this point?  Have you heard of little/no improvement even at 17 weeks off?  I know you guys really struggled but i am fearful about lack of any progress for me at this mark.  The stories about protracted withdrawal actually debilitating someone to the point of losing their job, family, everything has me so freaked out right now.  Everyone in my circle assures me that all will be okay but I feel like I'm the lone ranger trying to fight this and I hide my symptoms as best as i can in order to not affect them but that is damn near impossible.  

 

Thanks.

[fishinghat]

Yes, you are in the middle of it. It is usually around 4 to 6 months before any good windows appear so you are a little ahead of the norm. It will get better. Get plenty of rest and stay away from stress as much as possible. Mo serious exercise, load noises, bad food or anything that will put a strain on your body. Time and patience.

[invalidusername]

I really understand you here - and as difficult as it is to hear - Hat is right in saying this is around the middle. It is so tough with there being no seemingly comprehensible method to when these symptoms appear and when your windows appear. The brain is such a complex organ, and our knowledge of it is so minute by comparison to other areas of which are under medication. The sad truth is that we cannot predict much of what will occur and when that will be any more than the next person.

 

My best advice is that you take solice in the knowledge that the brain is an organ which constantly adapts to environment and thus will heal itself under the correct circumstances. You have done really well thus far and this is the best you can do.

 

Keep strong my friend.

[Driven]

Guys,

 

Thank you so much. 

 

After a difficult morning yesterday, last night was a victory!  Gave my wife a break to catch up on her favorite Netflix series and I took our daughters to our high school football game.  Enjoyed socializing with a few friends and then came home and slept well for 6 hours without any help from any medication, etc.  My body and brain actually felt tired for the first time in a LONG time and I am thankful for that.  Although a bit of derealization, it felt as normal as things have for quite some time.  Woke up this morning with what is appearing to be a window that lasted from last night into this am.  That hasn't happened yet so I'm putting that in the "hope" bank and forging ahead.  This came after a wave of heavy fog and disorientation (more than normal) that had me actually breaking down a bit at work yesterday and crying over the phone to my wife.  My heart hurts for her as she also continues to understand this power of this drug and the after-effect of tapering too fast.  So new for all of us!

 

This is certainly a journey that will never be forgotten.  As I'm beginning to understand, and every person on this forum can relate, going through this process will force you to become MUCH more in touch with your mind-body-spirit connection.  I'm realizing as this recovery happens, I still have a lot of room for personal growth in this area but I'm making strides and will continue to flourish.  Not sure I dare say there is an upside to all of this, but walking through this fire will add a few tools in a tool kit that I didn't really know I needed.  For that, I am grateful.

 

Side note, we just learned that in the past, one of our best friends started her first antidepressant (Cymbalta) and took 60mg for about a year.  That was a few years ago and she tapered over an 8 week time-frame with no bead counting.  She said she may have had a light headache for a few days but no other withdrawal symptoms.  Good lord.  She's off completely and no other medication.  This is my wife's best friend and it doesn't really bode well for her understanding of my complete upheaval coming off the drug...but we all know these similar stories.  

 

All said, enjoying what looks to be a window and accepting that waves will follow.  

Thanks,
Driven  

[invalidusername]

Wonderful news there Driven! Thanks for sharing - we like to know that things can come right every once in a while!

 

I think most people get something out of their journey of withdrawal like you say. I certainly have in many ways. Well, it bought me here for a start, and over a year later, here I am aiding all those who are going through the same. I learn and advise alike. A wonderful exchange of knowledge and experience.

 

How your wife's best friend got away so lightly is just not fair!! LOL. But there are just some lucky ones I guess.

 

Hope you are enjoying your weekend in basking in your victory! Well done...

[fishinghat]

It will still come and go but it will get even better with time.

[lady2882Nancy]

I know how disheartening it is to hear that someone got off so easy.  My own brother (yes full blood brother with the same parents LOL) only had about 5 days of feeling like he had a mild touch of the flu when he quit 60 mg cold turkey and for me quitting at 15 mg followed with months of anguish and agony. 

It just wasn't fair.

[Driven]

All,

 

Ugh.  It's hard to believe my tone has changed so much since my last dose.  I'm really struggling again and the waves just feel relentless.  I've been experiencing massive anxiety and depression (alternating back and forth) since my last update a few days ago.  The head fog and vision crap is all still in full effect.  I haven't slept a bit in 48 hours which is so frustrating.  

 

I'm trying to tough this out, but with this withdrawal, I feel like i'm trying to hold a tidal wave back with a spoon at times.  This is causing so much stress on my marriage that I'm becoming hopeless.  My wife and I aren't doing that well.  This withdrawal is impacting our family and we're trying to protect our kids a bit but it has gotten hard the last couple weeks. They see their dad so unstable and not himself which they are not at all used to...

I feel like i may need to again think about taking an SSRI or think again about reinstating a few beads of Cymbalta.  I'm scared to death about both of these options but the current track is wearing me down further and further.  After thinking about it, cymbalta caused a lot of issues by slowing my GI system down that I really don't like the thought of reinstating back on. 

 

Driven 

[fishinghat]

"reinstating a few beads of Cymbalta."

Sounds like a good idea. There is a case study where one dr gave his patient "a few beads" each time she relapsed until she didn't need the beads anymore. An ssri/snri is always an option but unluckily it may or may not work, it could introduce side effects, etc. There is always hydroxyzine and/or clonidine which both help with the anxiety. Neither is addictive or has a withdrawal as well as some supplements that can be tried. What ever you decide we are behind you 100 percent.

[invalidusername]

"I feel like i'm trying to hold a tidal wave back with a spoon"

 

Wonderful metaphor, and I am so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment, but you are not the first and by sure won't be the last to be enduring relationship and family issues as a result of this withdrawal. Your family need to understand that this is not the real you. You can direct them to the family support section here on the site where they can read similar stories and understand where they all fit into this.

 

I also agree with Hat regarding the beads rather than the SSRI method in the first instance.