1191 replies to this topic

[Mxpro32]

I have an appointment with a new counselor today. I hope it's a good fit. I wish I could go back to my old counselor because she knew me before. I don't even know where to start since I'm all over the place.

I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep again last night. My sleep has definitely regressed. Regression in sleep and depression is discouraging. My mood has been consistently pessimistic too. I'm assuming the worst case scenario outcomes for my business, and I don't have any drive to do anything to prevent it.

[frog]

MxPro I totally feel you on the sleep front. I'd never struggled with insomnia until about a month ago and it has been relentless ever since. I've finally given in and decided to take Seroquel every night and to not subject myself to sleepless nights but I've had some setbacks. When I tried taking 75mg instead of 50mg it gave me restlessness while trying to fall asleep. When I tried taking 2.5 mg of melatonin with it, it backfired again. I decided to stop messing with what was (kind of) working and just take 50mg every night by itself. It worked well for a couple nights: I got 6 or so hours one night and two nights ago I actually managed about 7 uninterrupted hours! I was riding high but of course for no reason last night I slept for maybe 2 hours and spent the rest of the night with elevated anxiety, tossing and turning. 

 

On the topic of meditation, I will say that at my doc's recommendation I also started using the Headspace app about a week ago. I like it so far. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing it right or something and of course it's not perfect (I did one yesterday evening and still spent the whole night tossing and turning). But I do think there's something to it. It's still early on so I don't think it's having any great effect on my thoughts quite yet. But I did find it to have a noticeable physical effect! The first handful of nights I did the guided meditations, when I started off my heart was beating like a drum: BOOM BOOO BOOM. I noticed by the end of the meditation it had quieted down significantly. 

 

I also did one of their nighttime SOS meditations last night that's meant to help quiet a restless mind. Honestly it just about put me to sleep. I think if I were in a more "normal" state with my anxiety right now, it might have really worked. I think you should give it a try. The headspace app does cost money but honestly if you try it and decide you don't like it then no harm no foul! 

 

Good luck with the new counselor! I'm seeing a therapist for the first time ever on Monday. Hoping for positive things for both of us. BTW maybe you didn't sleep well last night because of nervousness about the appointment? 

[Mxpro32]

My new counselor is great. Very in tune and intuitive with my thoughts and feelings. She agrees there is a period of adjustment for your brain. She also thinks I have a lot of past trauma (I do) that was covered up by medication for most of my adult life, and it's coming up to be dealt with (it has been). She said it's like removing a cast and being vulnerable and sensitive. I have been having past hurts bubble up and it feels good to cry and try to work through them. Sometimes I notice my anxiety is an attempt to not deal with the pain. All of this is made worse by my sensitivity to stress caused by the withdrawal. I have been feeling more stable, but depressed, so I'm optimistic about working through some things.

[frog]

Yay! That all sounds very positive. It makes a lot of sense that various hurts and traumas don't go away, the drugs are just a bandaid, and the best way is to face it and learn how to reframe your thinking around it. I haven't experienced any significant trauma but I still had my own worries and fears that prevented me from living life to the fullest long before Cymbalta came around (honestly I don't even think Cymbalta made any of that better anyway). They were never much trouble but I see now I wasn't dealing with them either. I sure wish I had started working on them at a time when I was more emotionally solid and not now when I'm so raw and messy and scared but that's exactly how it goes sometimes isn't it? 

[invalidusername]

Frog - really glad you gave meditation a try. It will take time to see the better results from it. But happy that you saw something relatively quickly. The headspace is a good place to start as people often don't bother working out what it is all about. Most people thinking is just laying down, closing your eyes and listening to something. There is a bit more to it than that. You will soon discover what works best for you and you will find a pattern of doing what suits best. If you can start doing little bits here and there in your every day life, it will make a bit difference too. Like I said, it can be while you are shopping in a queue, sitting in traffic - anything. Calm your mind, don't let it get carried away - even it is just mindful breathing. When you get into your car - before you start that bad boy up, just sit and take 5 mindful breaths. It makes all the difference, and you actually look forward to doing it once you get your routine...

[Mxpro32]

I just wanted to check in and say though it's still really hard a lot of the time, I'm having glimmers of feeling more alive than I have felt in years. It's pretty encouraging and worth the effort.

[Mxpro32]

Also, I still woke up at 3:30 last night, but was able to go back to sleep without xanax for the first time. I feel like I got decent sleep finally

[fishinghat]

Slowly but surely.

[Mxpro32]

Yesterday evening I had some mean anxiety come on waiting for my 6 year old to choose hot wheels with his Target gift card. Woke up and couldn't go back to sleep and I've had anxiety and anxious thoughts today. It's disappointing every time I take a step back.

[frog]

I really try to make the best of my good days to have something to hang on to during the bad days. On Saturday my husband and I spontaneously went out to a nice dinner. I haven't felt well enough to handle that (and enjoy it more importantly) in over 2 months. It was a real treat to feel normal again. Then last night I had heart palpitations from trying to raise the dose of my sleep aid to get more sleep and had a bad night tossing and turning and trying to stay calm. Today I feel more anxious and uneasy.

 

The good days I feel invincible like everything is just going to be good from now on and then those bad days feel like nothing will get better ever again and it will always be up and down like this. 

[invalidusername]

That invincible feeling is what you need to watch for. The balance will come. Its all about maintaining a sense of neutrality and not see everything as black and white... good or bad. Life normally has ups and downs and we all need to accept them when they come. I'm feeling low and exhausted today. I could easily take a valium and forget it but this only intensifies the black and white. I'm not THAT bad so I'm around a neutral area. This is what everyone gets now and again and refer to it as something like an off day. I need to learn that these happen and deal with them instead of getting worked up over not feeling any better and wanting to medicate it by default... but it's a tough one today but I refuse to take anything. I must learn...

[Mxpro32]

Man, I’ve had some pretty crushing depression today.  It’s been a little while since I felt this dark.  The thought of my kids growing up makes me cry, and I feel like my best days are behind me.  I see my counselor again tomorrow, hopefully I get some relief.  

[invalidusername]

These days will come and go - hollow words when you are in the thick of it I know, but just rest knowing you will come out the other side. Keep your sights on the end of this tunnel - there is light there my friend.

 

Remember you are the one who delivers relief to yourself, not the counselor. They are but a guide - try your best to find relief through any other means... positive thoughts, meditation... your faith...

[fishinghat]

So true IUN.

[Mxpro32]

I really need to find a way to sleep longer than 4 hours a night. I am so exhausted, and this has to be contributing to my depression. My mid night Xanax doesn't put me back to sleep anymore. What can I do?

[fishinghat]

Mxpto, have you ever tried subingual melatonin?

[Mxpro32]

Yes, I used to take one with the Xanax when I woke up and it would put me back to sleep. It's stopped working though.

[fishinghat]

Yes, you can build tolerance to it. The good news is that after 2 weeks off it will again work. I have leaned on sublingual melatonin on an off again/on again basis for a long time. In  my case it only takes one week to loose my tolerance but in most cases around 2 weeks. You might try it again.

[Mxpro32]

I've still been using it even though it stopped working. Desperate I guess. I'll give it a break and see. What about zzz quil?

[fishinghat]

It depends on which Nyquil product you are talking about. I will check something and be right back.

[fishinghat]

OK, you got me. I didn't even k now that Vicks had a product called zzzquil. I went to their site and it says currently unavailable but will check into it further.

[fishinghat]

Vicks sells several zzzquil products but the bottom line is they either contain melatonin or diphenhydramine (same as Benadryl) for their active ingredient. Some have added herbal products as well that can help. Try to stay away from the ones that use Valerian Root as that can cause liver damage with extended use. Many members had good success with diphenhydramine 50 mg/night.

[Mxpro32]

Crap. I've already been trying 50mg of benedryl with no luck

[Mxpro32]

I've been just steady depressed lately with no motivation. My kids don't even bring me joy because I'm preoccupied by mourning them growing up. Every time I hug them or hold them in my lap I feel like crying. Like everything is passing me by too fast. Ive gone from anxiety and worrying about all the things that could happen, to depression about things that are inevitable, like my kids getting bigger, me aging and eventually dying. I'm dealing with the realization that life is going to keep changing no matter what. I've spent a good portion of my life stressing and trying to keep life from changing and in my "control". I'm questioning whether digging into heavy stuff with my new counselor is helpful right now. I've been meditating for a week, so I wonder if the "accept things as they are" portion of meditation is causing me to start toying with accepting life's inevitabilities. Maybe I'm just depressed and over sensitive from withdrawals. It sucks feeling like this. Especially the kids getting bigger thing. I've been crying my eyes out.

[fishinghat]

Boy, do I remember that period. I could cry for no reason at all. Everything was doom and gloom. 

 

Don't you just love Cymbalta?!!  NOT!

[Mxpro32]

So, how long am I in for? This is awful

[fishinghat]

Typically 6 to 8 months adter your last dose to start to come out the other side but it can be as little as a few weeks or as long as a year.

[Mxpro32]

I'm convinced I would feel much better if I could get more than 4 hours of sleep each night. Just the thought of sleeping through the night perks my mood up.

[invalidusername]

....as it would anyone. It is not just the thought, you need the sleep for the cerebral fluid to backwash the brain pathways, which is what makes us refreshed and clear headed in the morning, but you need to get sufficient REM sleep for this to occur. 

[Mxpro32]

Is this symptom of waking up fully alert in the middle of the night a common withdrawal symptom? If so, how long does it typically last?