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#1 Lovey

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 03:51 PM

Hi its hrk here. Did a very deep therapy session today at counseling etc. Feel very vulnerable and sensitive. oh boy. Also feel removed from my body too. I am watching myself perform actions that need done, so to speak... so odd. Taking itcas easy as I can. Have work this evening from 4-8. The sun is shining bright today. It's nice. Trying to get grounded in the present. Any tips? Going to put on music.

#2 Lovey

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 04:24 PM

I am very anxious and stirred up. Please send help. ASAP adrenaline rush maybe from dealing with difficult topics??

#3 Polly38

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 04:58 PM

Hi HrK

I'm here if you want to chat? Are you on your own or is someone with you?

Polly

#4 Mxpro32

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 04:59 PM

I have a sense that some of my anxiety and depression are related to all the losses and turmoil in my life. Sometimes it feels good to process some of that. It relieves my anxiety, but I'm starting to think I may need to let my brain adjust for a while before digging into that stuff. Emotions are too powerful and raw after having them numbed for half my life (I'm 39). I felt some stuff pop up yesterday and I tried to just feel the pain. At first the anxiety went away and I felt better, but it quickly turned to heavy depression. I'm trying to go with the flow and feel what I feel without attaching meaning to any of it. So I don't know if I'm going to try and avoid those feelings when they pop up, but I may not indulge in them.

#5 Lovey

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 05:28 PM

Pplly thx can u meet me back around 8pm us time? At work now. Mx- yes. Emotions are a lot to process.

#6 Polly38

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 05:38 PM

Hi HrK.

It's 10.40 PM in the UK and I'm just off to bed. What time is it where you are?

Will try and catch you tomorrow. Hope you're OK.

#7 fishinghat

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 05:53 PM

Hi hrk. I remember when I went through my sessions of therapy. Just the talking would send me into anxiety let alone the subject matter. It would always take around a day or two to settle down and I wasn't even in withdrawal at that time.

#8 invalidusername

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 06:03 PM

Hi H...

 

I'm still up and about in the UK til the early hours... 

 

I have been through a number of different therapists - some lasting longer than others, but my advice is along the exact lines of what Hat said. The first session, regardless of how many other previous therapists you have tried, can be a real shocker and will make you feel vulnerable. Opening up to a stranger about deep feelings and emotions. 

 

Best bet is to choke this one down to the fact that a wound has to inspected if it is to heal. You have done the worst part already. I always leave most first sessions feeling it was a bad idea - sometimes the second as well, but it all starts to make sense. 

 

Obviously this will have been exacerbated given the Cym situation as well, but it is good that you went with it as there will never be a "right" time to start therapy. You just have to dive in. Just make sure that you have a good rapport with the therapist - it may take a couple to find the right one, or you may already have found them. 

 

I'll be here for a while yet if you need any further support my friend...

 

IUN


#9 Lovey

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 07:20 PM

Im between classes. Will hop on after in anotger hour and a half. Ty all. Means the world.

#10 invalidusername

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 09:13 PM

Still awake here in the UK :)


#11 Lovey

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 09:32 PM

Ok, I made it! I did great and i am home now!

#12 Lovey

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 09:41 PM

Being around others and showing up helped a lot. Being around people I like and trust was helpful to get me out of thinking and loopy thoughts. That therapy session was a lot. Ive been seeing therapists since age 15 off and on. This gal is good. She's a lot younger than me but seems to well educated. She is kind and a good listener. She lets me set the direction for what i need to talk about. I wanted to take on a really hard subject today. It was time. Been avoiding it and it will not go away so i needed to talk about it. The conversion got taken over by talks about mom and I got very angry. I am trying to separate myself from her and she always comes up and seems to take over my session's topic before i know it. We are going to monitor this, my therapist and I. i expressed my anger about my mom taking over my life and wanting to separate more. Its complicated I guess. The mom issue. I love her of course but she gives me toxic behavior and negativity. i try to stay away mostly but i care about her too. I feel guilty for not trying to help her, but when i do it never does too much good and costs me too much. I become hurt and angry and indignant.

#13 Lovey

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 09:47 PM

I've been with this new therapist about 4-5 months or so. About a 6-8 week gap from prior therapist who is on long term maternity leave. This new gal is a better fit going forward so i will stay with her. by the way,I became physically nauseous during our sesdion talking about all this deep shit. I am now nauseous also. I took pepto bismol. Making ginger tea. Unwinding. I went in wanting to talk about my father today which is a topic i usually won't touch. Too painful. So I was glad i felt ready to address it after ALL THESE YEARS and then the conversation is thwarted by mom shit AGAIN. But at least we have a plan going forward to avoid thst happening again.

#14 invalidusername

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 09:53 PM

Sounds like you took on a fair bit with all this parent talk... never had that subject approached before myself, but I can well imagine it is the cause for many a session in the therapists room. Although I would say a therapist should be guiding you to a certain extent. Mine often steers me back on to the right route and nearly always comes back to where she tells me my problems lie. She is very clever in that I never see it happening!!

 

Well, I will have to call it a night this end as is almost 3am in the UK and I am trying to reel some of the time in to get more daylight. Very difficult being nocturnal this time of the year....


#15 Lovey

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Posted 10 December 2019 - 10:15 PM

Oh there is a lot of redirecting from her. You're correct. i just get to choose the topic i want to address for the session. Which fire is hottest. She is great at helping not get too far off but sometimes, like today it got away from both of us. We are still learning each other. Only been a short time. Thank you IUN sir. Have a good rest now. Good night.

#16 fishinghat

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Posted 11 December 2019 - 09:14 AM

Oh hrk, I sympathize. Family, you can't live with them and you can't live without them. This just isn't the time for family issues and negative thoughts, During my withdrawals my therapist basically said to stay away from them and not even phone calls until I was better. It helped but this is not the answer for everyone. I take it she does not understand your situation and how she effects you at a time like this?

#17 invalidusername

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Posted 11 December 2019 - 12:09 PM

Had my therapy today - woke up an hour before the alarm, but wondered if I should try to sleep again. Ended up sleeping and having the most vivid dream about sleeping past my alarm! I was in a right state when I woke up! According to my therapist it is my textbook symptoms of not being in control playing out... the root of my stress.. yada yada. She is absolutely right, but I was in a semi-derealisation state for most of the session. This is when I know it is time to calm things down. My brain just wants some time offline, but with the wife to care for 24/7 it just doesn't get it. Still got two clients and some shopping left to do this evening. Can't say I am looking forward to it.

 

It is like a good friend of mine often says, the world is a bus and you just want to pull the cord and get off...


#18 Lovey

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Posted 11 December 2019 - 10:09 PM

friends, I had a heroic move today in keeping my dentist appointment despite huge anxiety! and, especially after the day i had yesterday.  I took mxpro's advice about kind of going on with things and not indulging the fears and thoughts too much.  The weird thoughts and feelings were still there but I chose to place myself into action and into other activities that needed to be done. I.E. dentist. 5 shots of Novocaine! and two cavities later.... I am alive! haha.  I made myself a playlist with lots of Beatles and songs to help me tune out what was happening.  Music helps me a lot.  

 

fishinghat, mom doesn't grasp my point of view or my life experience, the way I function/operate, however you want to think of it.  I think some people struggle with empathy. Especially if they don't even understand their own patterns and ways of functioning and relating to the world, and to others.  I could write a long dissertation on this, and may, at some point. For now, just working on myself. And trying to stop feeling guilty for not trying to take care of her.  She has her own struggles, but I certainly can't fix her! So that was a lot of what we addressed in my session yesterday.  I grew up caretaking, both her and myself.  She was lacking in affection and encouragement, which led to a lot of negative self concept.  I feel pretty good about the person I am.  There is still a little more work there to be done though. Re-programming my mind and beliefs so to speak, to align with what I can now see, as an adult, the truth about myself.  You can't pour love from an empty bucket, sums her up pretty well.  


#19 Lovey

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Posted 11 December 2019 - 10:17 PM

iun, I understand what you mean.  I want to run away and live in a little beach house near the ocean.  Paint for hours every day!  

I also struggle with "not being in control"........the serenity prayer is helpful I think.  Life feels very scary sometimes.  Trusting God is really the foundation of healing, but also trusting ourselves.  I've lived through, and survived so much, and I have God to thank, but also myself for making lots of good and healthy choices.  Knowing  where to ask for help and who not to ask too! I am thankful for you, and my friends on here.  When I get some extra cash, I will become a site supporter.  Good night everyone. zzzzzzzz gonna catch some zzzz's  


#20 fishinghat

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 09:30 AM

Hrk, there is an old German saying...

You can't make someone happy unless you are happy too.

You must take care of yourself and get yourself in the right way before you will have the strength and focus to help your mom with her problems.

#21 Lovey

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 11:38 AM

Fh truer words were never spoken.

Plus I need to realize it is not my task or my job to fix her.

#22 invalidusername

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Posted 12 December 2019 - 04:14 PM

Absolutely right - it is NOT your job to fix her. Only you can fix you and only she can fix herself. Simple.

 

After reading your messages about anxiety, I would strongly suggest you look up David Daish's videos on poo tube. I found him at the height of my struggles and they really helped along with Claire Weekes' work, which is what he also followed to come out the other side. The guy was a legend and is still posthumously helping people today.

 

https://www.youtube....er/OldRockMan58


#23 Lovey

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Posted 14 December 2019 - 09:35 PM

In fight or flight mode all day.purely exhausted all day. Trouble processing light and motion. Keep thinking i am seeing something from the corner of my eye. Going to bed to get a lot of rest. How's everyone doing?

#24 Lovey

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Posted 15 December 2019 - 09:44 AM

Can anyone corroborate seeing images out of the side of your vision?

I'm having trouble processing visual information in general, too much bright light. Am I a gremlin lol?

Probably need to slow down. Have been very active and busy. Calling in to work today. Need a day off. Someone please talk to me. The itchy buggy feeling is bad today too:(

#25 fishinghat

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Posted 15 December 2019 - 10:02 AM

Hi hrk. The vision issues are fairly common. I only had a sensitivity to light and especially flashing lights.

From what you wrote I think the day off was a good thing. Slow and steady Hrk. It will pass.
Hang in there.

#26 Lovey

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Posted 15 December 2019 - 10:17 AM

Thanks fh! I appreciate your response so quick. Its a scary lonely feeling sometimes.

I'm feeling very slow today. Like I am in slow motion. And seeing trails on motion. Especially my own arms and hands. Oh boy. It will pass. You are right.

#27 fishinghat

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Posted 15 December 2019 - 01:24 PM

I remember many times to ask my wife to set with me when I was having a hard time with my anxiety. She did not have to do anything but just stay beside me. I did not want to be alone.

#28 Lovey

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Posted 15 December 2019 - 03:52 PM

That sounds wonderful fh. It is just me right now, but i have good friends I can call. Would love to get a dog. Weighing the cost and time commitment. might start with fostering. They will help with the finances. i just worry about a vet bill if anything happens with a dog i "own". Cleaning up the doodie would prove a challenge too. Yuck! Grew up with dogs and love them. never had to clean up the doodie before. I'm in a condo community and would have to now.

#29 invalidusername

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Posted 15 December 2019 - 05:44 PM

You are never alone with us here H....


#30 Lovey

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Posted 15 December 2019 - 06:01 PM

Sending a thousand heart emojis-



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