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[JustJulz]

Hi friends,
I am just popping in to catch up, and commiserating with you all.

I have been using a gradual step-down approach lately, which is essentially that I reduce by .3 mg (3balls) and have to hold steady for a while- 3-5 days, if not more. I really wanted to go faster, but am finding that if I miscount the balls (off by 3-5 balls) I can go into a tail spin of crying and melancholy. But boy, pop a couple balls and I stop crying in about 15 mins. How weird is that?

I have also found that I make the best progress when I am at the cottage where there are no particular social demands on me, no usual triggers like seeing my ex about something, and no real physical demands. That is also why I seem to pop in at odd intervals too. When I go home, I get caught up in stuff with my kids, the house, managing the farm... having family visit for 10 days... (needless to say I didn't decrease at all while they were there- *rolleyes*). That kind of stress throws me for a loop.

But I am forging ahead again this week, and am now down to 16mg. I want to plunge forward and reduce a little more, but being sensitive and weepy, and a bit snappy with my son is frustrating. How am I going to step down if I am afraid of the reactions I have? I am planning to be here all week, then home a few days, then away for two more weeks visiting friends in a couple different places.

Being away from home might be a little tricky- what if I bust out crying over nothing? Where will I get to take a time out? Maybe being with friends will distract me from the withdrawal symptoms... has that worked for any of you? I know that I will have the op to drink while I am vacationing, but worry that it might skew me... or will it mask my mood changes?

It sucks living scared... not knowing how to get from point A to point B without a major meltdown in between. Knowing that at times I doubt every thing that I am doing, thinking, evaluating... like questioning myself endlessly about "Am I making good choices? Is this a risky behaviour (meeting a new friend)? Is this a valid reason for being angry or upset? Second-guessing myself all the time. Is this a symptom of the drug, or something else, a little hypomania maybe(like shopping for new clothes, when honestly, I am not going overboard)?" All I seem to have in my arsenal is walking, vitamins, happy friends, and maybe just being away from home.

Thanks for giving me the space to let it all out, to vent my fears, and to let me document how I am doing. I do so appreciate this space. Take care, Julz