No replies to this topic

[theasherleague]

Hi all!

My story:
25 years old, female, diagnosed with severe manic depression about 8 years ago. Had a Dr (psychiatrist) that was happy to push pills (much to my disliking, but I was so out of control I figured he of all people knew what was best). I was put on a wide array of things over a 4yr period and then he moved. My new Dr took the time to really listen and was very cautious about prescribing me anything. We decided Cymbalta would be best (been on it 3yrs). I noticed a HUGE change for the better as well as my friends and family. It was a Godsend for a long time. Now I'm the single mother of a two year old boy (I am VERY lucky that his dad and I are still on good terms. We couldn't make it work as a couple, but he is an amazing father) and just finished Cosmetology school. When we broke up, I moved back home with my parents who have been there for me through all my mess with my disease.

For the past year or so, I've noticed a lot of things that 95% of people would chalk up to being a mother or a student (at the time)--memory loss (I'm talking forgetting things almost instantaneously and a few times they have been major things), feeling in a fog, having the constant feeling that something just isn't right...like, always confused and lost about who I am and why I don't 'feel' the way other people do, being INCREDIBLY lazy (it's done a number on my self-esteem as a parent and in general. I spent my entire life loving to be active and outdoors. Now? I'll come up with any excuse to sit and do nothing)...Overall, feeling like nothing close to myself.

I've had a few times due to whatever reason I've had to go a few days without my Cymbalta (60mg all 3yrs). Let me say when I started reading the thread about what people were feeling, I almost dropped off my chair. For the first time, I saw I wasn't the only one going through these insane, horrifying withdrawals.

Yesterday was big for me in a few ways, but one was that it was day 4 of being without (damn Wal-mart) and I knew from the past that I was in store for the mood swings, brain zaps (When I saw they had a name, I laughed hysterically), dizzy spells, nausea, headache and body aches. When I went to the pharmacy to get my refill, the woman in front of me was taking forever so I began to get very fidgety and of course, pissed off. I think my brain was so flooded with the Hulk response, it shut down completely because before I knew it, I had a ridiculous case of the giggles that granted me several odd stares from the pharmacists. As much as I was laughing, my eyes were watering because I wanted to cry at the same time. Not to be crude, but I felt mildly mentally retarded. There was no control over my own body and my brain would not function for the life of it.

I stay at home with my son except for two days of the week when he goes to the sitters so I can get things done around the house and job hunt. Thank God it was his day over there yesterday because I would have probably been admitted to the ER for a massive panic attack otherwise.

The biggest "aha!" moment yesterday aside from FINALLY seeing I wasn't alone in this mess was seeing people that are just as determined to get off this awful drug as I am. I saw post after post about the feelings I've had over the last year as far as not feeling 'right' and it all clicked--for once, it all made sense. It wasn't some big quest to find my meaning in life, it was my body telling me to get off this junk! No wonder I've been so confused about what I want or who to be..I literally can't be myself because all my body knows is Cymbalta!

So this is day 1 of starting to wean myself off it. I did a put a call into my Dr yesterday and will be talking to him today. After reading everyone's very helpful posts, I want to take the approach of counting the little balls inside the capsule. I'm sure he'll want to move me down to a lower dosage, which wouldn't be horrid I suppose, but I'm putting my foot down that I am going to get off of this forever, with or without his help. Maybe he can put me on Prozac or something to help with the withdrawal hell, but honestly, if it means getting off this sooner, I'd be willing to endure a small nightmare.

I'm both extremely excited and scared. I've wanted this for so long, and everyone kept telling me it did such wonders that I need to stay on it. I'm not saying all of my problems (forgetting things, being insanely tired and lazy feeling) aren't from being a single mom (although I live at home, my parents don't interfere. They are always there to help if I need it, but they realize it means everything to me to be able to do whatever I can to support my son and our family without being made to feel like a charity case of sorts). However, my gut and somewhere in there, my head knows that being on this is doing far more harm then good, and has for God only knows how long.

Here's to the start of a journey to get myself back. Thank goodness for all of you and your being so open about your experiences. It gave me the courage I didn't have on my own. I already love you all <3