hello...any one having rage..then the shame after rage thing? First I want to know how you are dealing with it or any advice...second...I thought that if we had a place to "confess" and vent...maybe it would help us, as I am sure there are some of you who may be able to relate and can be understanding.
I am feeling rather ashamed of myself today. Went on another rampage this time I verbally attacked the girls on the phone at the doctors office. Actually this is the second or third time these poor girls have had to deal with my impatience and anger in this month of withdrawls. And each time I know, .....5 minutes later I know,... what I did and feel like crap for doing it.
Normally when the anger hits me so badly it has more to do with being impatient and I can keep myself in check. But when it comes to trying to deal with the doctor, I realized today that I lose it every time. I realized today that it is because I REALLY am mad at my doctor. I blame her for giving me this crap. I blame her for not knowing anything about this poison she so happily hands out like freakin candy, I blame her for not helping me thru the withdrawls as well. I am just so very angery at this woman for putting me thru hell all these months and never once catching all the problems I was having as side effects.
I havent seen my doc since accidentally starting withdrawls. my last pill was sometime around the begining of last month. I havent seen her in a couple of months. And for one reason or another...usually me...I cant make my appt. First the doctor said, via her assistant over the phone, withdrawls only last a week so I should be over it....no appt neccessary.... WRONG. Then, as I hit bottom 2 weeks ago, I tried to make an appt. told the girl I was desperate and in bad emotional state and in my cymbalta confusion thought the girl told me NEXT wednseday was the soonest she could get me in. I went off, but am not sure how bad that one really was. turned out she meant THAT wednesday...I missed the appt. (altho I am happy that I didnt get in at that time because I'd have agreed to just about anything at that point...including another round of cymbalta)
todays episode was calling to say I was running 5 minutes behind and asked would I still be able to get in to see her today.....no, they said, which was fine. was put on hold and thought I was waiting to make another appt. over 10 minutes later someone new comes on and says doctor cant see you today, you have to talk to the main office for an appt.........that was it. I snapped, " I already knew that...now I have to wait 10 or 15 more to go back and make an appt.? she told me she just talked to the doctor....I said...did you actually get off your butt, walk to the back of the building and ask the doctor, herself, the same question we already had an answer too???? well no....she says....YES I KNOW you didnt, I say...and it went on from there.
AT some point I caught myself.....realized THIS IS NOT ME . I was shocked at myself and I tried to tell her...I am having a problem with rage right now..I hope you have a really nice day.....she thought I was just being more sarcastic. Obviously...it did not end well.
Lord, I feel like a hump of poop!! I feel guilty that I ruined someone elses day, ashamed that I could behave in such a way,and yes.. still a litle pissed off that my doctor doesnt get ANY of this. She gets to sit in her little room where she pushes ppl thru in 5 minutes sessions by handing them a med and saying "try this one"...all the while these innocents on the phone in the front of the building have to take crap from ppl like me. I am so ashamed of myself that I want to just forget it and find another doctor (jnow instead of later like I planned) just so I dont ever have to show my face around there again.
The thing is ... that is NOT who I am. I did call back the first time and ask that they tell the girl who made the "wednesday" appt..that I was sincerely sorry. I WILL make amends for this episode of craziness as well....at some point. I am just sooo embareesed by it. AND I am just now realizing had I just gone ahead to the office...not called....I have NEVER been in that waiting room for any less than 30 minutes, before being taken to the exam room...EVER...30 minutes is a QUICK wait in fact, in all the years I have been going there. If I hadnt called I would probably be getting into to the exam room right about now to wait another 30 minutes for the doctor to get to me...for my 5 minute session.
My new thing is RESPONCIBILITY in getting well. I am trying to focus less on how I got into this totally screwed up state and focus more on how I am going to clean up the mess that I have woken up standing in. There is such a thin line there sometimes tho. it is too easy to cross over and say.... Cymbalta made me do it. So I think that, for me, making ammends at times like this is ESSENTIAL. In the meantime...anyone know a GOOD doctor????