7 replies to this topic

[brzghoff]

hey there (gawd this is long),

 

i haven't had a chance to re-visit the forum since i started my new job. i have to admit the anxiety has been kicking in big time. the company is wonderful, great pay, great benefits, everyone is really nice, and an awesome product. this is an up and coming dot com that shows great promise - only 4 years old but we have a number of fortune 500 partnerships we've just formed. i also love my boss. all in all this is the best job i have ever had - really! at 56 years old its about time!

 

so whats with the anxiety ? its the training and learning all the new processes. i have to learn 14 different computer applications to do my job - sales and demos to businesses. i have been through 3 weeks of training so far and we have another two weeks. there are four of us new hires going through it together. i feel like i am having a harder time learning everything compared with the others. it is a lot to learn but i feel like its a longer learning curve for me. i am also 20-30 years older than the other hires. in this job market the older you are, the more they think you are not tech savvy and you get stereotyped. thing is i am very tech savvy - at my former jobs it was not uncommon for me to assist those much younger than me on our systems. however, this is a technology company and everyone here is smart. very smart. its refreshing but challenging.

 

i know that my anxiety has always been tied in part, to my perfectionism. i am very competitive and i know that i am beating myself up for not being at pace with, or beyond, my peers in the training group. there is absolutely no evidence that my boss is not happy with me. on the sales side, he is thrilled with my consultative style and used it as an example to others. i know i am being irrational in my thinking. i know that i will learn this stuff, even if it takes a little longer. i also have no idea just how much my peers are picking up on it, it just seems to me like they've got it down. its just that i love this company so much i do not want to lose this job! however there is no evidence whatsoever that they would fire me. its all in my head. but even knowing that, when i sit down at my computer and start working on some of the programs, if i get stuck on the least little thing my anxiety soars, my brain fogs up and i am a cognitive mess. of course that compounds the problem.

 

the anxiety is not as bad as when i first quit the C, but its close. what's noticeable is that with the anxiety comes all the familiar symptoms i felt in withdrawal: fear, brain fog, easily brought to tears, irritability, and the physical symptoms: heart palpitations, aches and pains, gastro issues, and interstitial cystitis - i have to pee all the time. i quit the C 22 months ago and all of a sudden it feels like yesterday.

 

what this means to me is that the anxiety that kicks in with rapid withdrawal or cold turkey is often the cause of the physical symptoms. if you research/google "anxiety physical symptoms", the lists will look familiar, there are an incredible number of symptoms that i read on this forum that are endured during withdrawal. back in the day when i would miss a dose and then when i first went into withdrawal i would first feel the physical symptoms - but i still think it was anxiety-induced. its not uncommon for those with anxiety to feel the physical first. my husband suffers from occasional bouts of anxiety and he first feels it as a physical symptom, palpitations, gut butterflies, uneasiness/weakness, gastro issues. what happened to me is that the initial anxiety i felt was due to withdrawal (brain chemistry seriously out of wack), but it became a learned behavior - fear of fear. i started catastrophizing about every little thing and before you know it i created a generalized anxiety disorder. for those just coming off the C, nip the anxiety in the bud with a good CBT therapist and you may be able to lick the worst of it a lot quicker.

 

re: the physical symptoms of anxiety - they will not kill you and anxiety won't make you go mad. but its always good to get checked out at first on-set just in case. once the doc gives you the all clear, treat the symptoms with care, but focus on the mental aspects with therapy, diet, exercise and good mental hygiene! clear that up and the physical will likely follow. well, unless you were taking the C for pain. that's another story. but if you developed anxiety in withdrawal, controlling it could help reduce some of the pain, and certainly the other symptoms as well.

 

if we take an active role in our recovery - especially the anxiety - we have a much greater prognosis for getting "normal" again. anxiety doesn't go away on its own. it does take time but regardless of the cause, the treatment is the same. recognize and challenge negative thinking, accept the anxiety and "float" with it - that helps to neutralize and de-sensitize the central nervous system. being engaged in our recovery is key. that's the only thing that's worked for me.

[lady2882Nancy]

Hi brzghoff

Good to hear from you. That sounds like quite the job and something that I would have been really into in my past.

I can understand the problems though. Do not forget the brain-gut link.

The gastro issues lead to the mental issues.

My  anxiety always leads to having my IBS flare up and that disrupts the serotonin levels in the gut which affects the serotonin levels in the brain hence the fear, brain fog, tears and irritability. This link is being looked at more and more as the cause of mental health issues.

Basically if we can learn to keep the physical symptoms of anxiety under control and yes "float" through the beginning feelings as you describe, it limits the fear, brain fog and so on.

Since I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and have many triggers for anxiety, I find that pausing for a moment and doing some deep breathing with the gut while repeating my calming phrase works well to calm the gastro issues and limits the mental issues. Sort of like a mini meditation. I can even do this now while driving as ambulances with the sirens and lights going are one of my triggers although I am glad that in most circumstances I have to pull over to let the ambulance go by.

 

All the best in your new job, it sounds like a dream job to me too.

Take care of you

Nancy

[angryinhouston]

Hi brzghoff - I just wanted to say that I understand how you're feeling and how perfectionism leads to anxiety. "Comparison is the thief of joy," as the saying goes. If you're a reader, I highly recommend Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection.   Hang in there...it gets better.

[brzghoff]

UPDATE:

 

doing well these days - anxiety is well under control as of late. i am kicking butt on the job now - no more feelings of inadequacy . just a month shy of two years off the C and i am feeling pretty good!

 

it does get better, and yes it will get worse but then better, then worse, then even better, then kinda bad... but never as bad as it was in the beginning!

[fishinghat]

Great to here from you brz. Even happier that you are doing well. Thanks so much for posting.

[DebMorris]

So happy to hear this.  I am hoping to go back to work in June.  I also cry at the drop of a hat but they are quick, I think of it as my way of healing.  I feel going back to work will help me so I am not sitting around thinking about things.  Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD, because I always have flash backs of everything I have gone through with going to hospitals etc...

 

It is very inspiring seeing you get back to work & handling it as you are.  Good Luck!!!

Debbie

[brzghoff]

its now been 2 years and two weeks since I stepped off the cliff and ended my relationship with cymbalta. this is what i've learned at this point (much of it i've said before)

 

it DOES get better! i was on anti-d's from 1996-2014. the last ten were cymbalta. after two years off all antidepressants i can tell you most days are good days. after the first six months into withdrawal the only symptom that remained was anxiety - pretty severe at that. not panic attacks but extended periods of catastrophic thinking and the physical manifestations such as shaking, gut butterflies, dizziness, brain fog/confusion, insomnia and memory problems. it totally interfered with day to day functioning for the first year off the "c". as time has marched on the symptoms have subsided over all considerably... but the good/bad days look like a chart of the dow jones over that same time period! ;-)

 

i cannot stress enough that the only thing that got me better is addressing the anxiety head-on through the tools i learned in therapy. clonidine is the only prescription med i took to help with anxiety - but only .1 mg at night before bed for insomnia. its relatively innocuous. i take it as-needed, these days its rare. i took 5 htp for a month on month off over the past six months or so, but i am not even sure how effective it was after the very first month i took it. the only reason i took anything was to get me to a point where i could be effective on the mental "work" i learned from my therapist.

 

i am still on a mood stabilizer, lamictal. however, given the hell i went through, i don't give it any cred for helping me through withdrawal. i did at one point, but looking back over the past two years, i don't think so. i still want off, but am not quite ready to make that step. i hear mixed reports about if it is difficult to wean from. i think its like most meds, it depends on the person.

 

my best evidence as to my success is my new job i started feb 15. its stressful but i am managing it well. we can't avoid stress, its about learning how to manage it. there are some seemingly insurmountable obstacles in my position. i work at a tech startup and things change more than they stay the same - goals change, project focus changes, process changes, everythig as the company as a whole learns to get things right. i could not have come close to surviving this position a year ago. it helps that the company takes care of its people (unlike the company i worked with this time last year)

 

best of luck to all you can do it!

[brzghoff]

hey folks, i had to jump off suddenly when creating that last post and circumstances are such that i haven't been able to get back here until now. the one thing i neglected to say - and neglected to say BIG TIME - is that nothing, absolutely NOTHING compares to the support i have received from everyone on this forum. there were times i felt so low and alone but the encouragement i've received here gave me hope and allowed me to keep going and experience that process of self discovery.

 

thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! i love all of you!